August 30, 2005

Inappropriate Songs For Children

Sure, Mia's really damn cute most of the time but she, like all of us, has her moments. One thing that helps? Singing. Now, I have, quite literally, tens of thousands of songs at my fingertips. But when it comes to actually remembering the lyrics, without the benefit of hearing the song or the melody, I completely blank. So, I make stuff up. And that ain't pretty. It's even mildly offensive.

Last night, after a bout of screaming, I finally got Mia to settle down while Beth took a shower. When Beth came back downstairs, she found Mia asleep in my arms and me cracking up quietly to myself.

Her: What?
Me: Nothing.
Her: Why are you smiling like that?
Me: It has nothing to do with the completely inappropriate song I just sang to our daughter.
Her: I'm sure.
Me: Well...she can't speak English. Yet.

A few minutes after a handoff, Mia started fussing. I broke out the song once again, this time with Beth present.

The hooker on the corner goes to the whorehouse
Goes to the whorehouse
Goes to the whorehouse
The hooker on the corner goes to the whorehouse
To blow herself a john

Now, sure, I realize that this isn't quite the message we all want to send to our children. But, as a musician, I see an opening here, an untapped market if you will. Educational, un-sugarcoated, real-world songs for kids. Other titles I'm brainstorming include:

The Rich Get Richer While The Poor Sleep In Boxes
Let's Pretend Africa Doesn't Exist
Goodbye Beaches, Hello Global Warming
Rubbers Aren't Just For Rainy Days
Eat A Sandwich: The Ballad of Lindsay Lohan
IEDs Go Boom
If You Need A Tank of Gas, Grab Your Ankles

Posted by Chris at August 30, 2005 08:28 AM

LMAO! That's like our modified Farmer In The Dell = The hooker picks a john, the hooker picks a john, hi ho the derry-o the hooker picks a john.... For some reason it works better than the original version.

Posted by: Marie at August 30, 2005 08:41 AM

You guys are crazy. (Good Crazy). I particulary like the title, "Rubbers arent just for Rainy Days". Cant wait to hear it.

Posted by: alfredsmom at August 30, 2005 08:44 AM

Great song!

Sorry this weekend didn't work out. I swear, we're going to have to make a special trip.

Posted by: autumn at August 30, 2005 08:47 AM

WARNING: She'll be speaking English before you know it, but she won't tell you she speaks English yet. She'll wait and repeat something you've said (or sang) at the most inopportune moment.

...Experience speaks!

Posted by: Amber at August 30, 2005 08:47 AM

LOL... those are hilarious! nursery rhymes for adults! haha. and i can totally hear "If you need a tank of gas, grab your ankles" being sung to "if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands..."

Posted by: Judy at August 30, 2005 08:50 AM

yes i have to say i made up words to. Mine were more mainstream and childish. I love your titles. Lets pretend Africa doesn't exist. see that would just make any baby cry.


Posted by: melanie at August 30, 2005 09:16 AM

You are halarious.

Posted by: JuJuBee at August 30, 2005 09:19 AM

Could you become the potty-mouthed Raffi? And you songs sounds SOOOOOO much better than R Kelly's In the Closet. I am nervous about having kids because of my potty mouth. I know I will be tagged as the parent whose children spread bad wrods on the playground.

Posted by: verucaamish at August 30, 2005 09:35 AM

Sounds like you have a moneymaker in the works! Keep up the'll be rich in no time! LOL ;)

Posted by: Michelle at August 30, 2005 09:46 AM

You crack me up!

Posted by: Hazel at August 30, 2005 09:48 AM

hee. this reminds me of a list that i found somewhere of children's books that didn't make it. fun stuff.

Posted by: pea at August 30, 2005 09:51 AM

Hee, that's awesome! Mia's going to have a very ... interesting vocabulary once she starts talking.

Posted by: Fraulein N at August 30, 2005 09:52 AM

People people, you are scaring me! If that child has a hooker moment I am going to remind you of this day of singing! Chris if you don't know the word for Mia's sake just HUM!

I swear I laugh so hard here that I cry and need depends!

And hang in there my youngest screamed (no crying there - S C R E A M E D) for the first two years of her life and I survived, I twitch a little, but I survived! : )

Posted by: Gypsy at August 30, 2005 10:13 AM

Your creativity continues to amaze me. Panera again this morning... hopefully, I'll get a post on my blog done... probably won't be as witty as "If you need a tank of gas grab your ankles" but probably more along the lines of "If your pregnant and hormonal, throw a fit" *wink*

Posted by: Corinne at August 30, 2005 10:42 AM

This reminds me of one of those SNL K-Tel parodies. Politically Incorrect Baby Songs. Sounds like a sure fire money maker to me. Just don't let Weird Al hear about this.

Posted by: Mike at August 30, 2005 10:42 AM

Don't forget "What happens to a woman's body is everyone's business!" and "War is GOOD for the economy".

Posted by: Stacy at August 30, 2005 11:09 AM

These titles are so funny mainly because they are true!

I laughed so hard, I snortled. (snortle= cross between a snort and a chuckle)

Especially at the Lindsey Lohan one.. she totally Brittany Murphied out!

Posted by: ::c:: at August 30, 2005 11:25 AM

Hee. Lindsay really SHOULD eat a sandwich.

Posted by: Heather at August 30, 2005 11:52 AM

Oh you did not... yep, you did. If you need a tank of gas, grab your ankles? HA! Hahahaha!

Well, if TV has taught me anything (more likely nothing), it's that kids like songs that tell the truth. It worked for Phoebe Buffay on Friends. Not that I ever, um, watched Friends or anything.

Posted by: Noelle at August 30, 2005 12:01 PM


I see years of therapy ahead for her. ;)

Posted by: wendy at August 30, 2005 12:23 PM

Fatherhood is rotting your brain man.. Welcome to my world ROFLMAO

Posted by: Angelia at August 30, 2005 12:44 PM

dear god, man... where is your sense of propriety? shocking! ;)

Posted by: jodi at August 30, 2005 12:55 PM

awwww! maybe her first word will be 'whorehouse'...wouldn't that be precious? ;)

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at August 30, 2005 01:13 PM

I'm partial to "Goodbye Beaches, Hello Global Warming" and "Let's Pretend Africa Doesn't Exist." You could do a whole anti-Live Aid album/concert thing. Which opens up a whole stream of ideas...None instead of One. Corporate Aid instead of Farm Aid. We Are the United States Government instead of We Are the World...

Posted by: Rhonda at August 30, 2005 01:24 PM

That is SO funny! I have tears coming out of my eyes from laughing so hard ;)

Posted by: Leah at August 30, 2005 01:32 PM

Hahaha, she's going to have a blast with you when she starts speaking English :) But there'll be a lot of words she won't know, and she'll be asking about at school ;)

Posted by: ava at August 30, 2005 01:41 PM

Well, it beats the gangsta rap that my kid loves. His first word is gonna be "muthafucka", I just know it.

Posted by: Jason at August 30, 2005 01:51 PM

Wait - that didn't come out right. He already knows words. His first inappropriate word in front of the grandparents is going to be "muthafucka", I meant. I'm a horrible father.

Posted by: Jason at August 30, 2005 01:53 PM

I would get a CD with that on it just for the humor factor. WHO doesn't need a laugh? And especially parents? HELLOO????

Posted by: Queen of Ass at August 30, 2005 03:21 PM

So I already told you my first word was a swear word, and I'm soon to be gainfully employed, so it worked out anyway...

My favorite child-saying-inappropriate-word story is really Denis Leary's. It's about what happened after he took his kid to see him shoot an MTV video...

Posted by: alektra at August 30, 2005 03:23 PM

LMAO :)) Too funny. I'm curious what Mia's first words will be.... ;)

Posted by: Sweety at August 30, 2005 03:29 PM

As a parent, I am appalled that you would speak that way to a child. What on earth...

HAHAHAHAHAHA....okay, I was trying to be all adult and stuff but it just didn't work.

You kill me! Just heed the assvice of the other bloggers who have mentioned how you'll never know when Mia will decide to speak and what will issue forth from you little cupid's bow shaped mouth. Trust me, it will probably be in front of her grandparents or in our case, at church. Lovely!

Please post the lyrics to the afore mentioned songs as I want to sing them too!

Posted by: zanie at August 30, 2005 03:46 PM

LMAO!! I love it! I was just inspired to start writing completely inappropriate yet eye opening children songs myself!

If ya really want a raise
drop your pants
if ya really want that raise
spread your legs
if you really want a raise
and no one else will sing your praise
if you really want a raise
drop your pants!

*in the tune of "if your happy and you know it"*

Posted by: angel at August 30, 2005 04:32 PM

dont tell me you haven't seen that episode of friends mentioned in the comments above! great stuff!

Posted by: lee at August 30, 2005 05:16 PM

Ok the fact that you got me to actually hum a tune to the "hooker song" and sing it out loud...see, that in itself is talent!

Posted by: Kate at August 30, 2005 06:30 PM

You crack me up! Those song titles are CHOICE. Can't wait for the lyrics!!!

Posted by: ironic1 at August 30, 2005 06:39 PM

You. Are. Incorrigible. Open your mouth, here comes the soap. And I will be right over to rescue that poor darling. (Beth, I mean, Mia doesn't know any better).
For real, lol.

Posted by: JuJu's Mom at August 30, 2005 07:39 PM

Loving the songs. I for one cannot wait to hear what Mia's first word will be :) It all reminds me of that episode of Friends, where Phoebe has to sing to a group of kids, my favourite song being:

Oh the cow in the meadow goes "Moo",
Oh the cow in the meadow goes "Moo",
Then the farmer hits it on the head and grinds it up
And that's how we make hamburgers!
Noooooooow chickens!

(Yes, I'm a vegetarian).

I'm sure you can improvise the next part.

Posted by: Zoe at August 30, 2005 07:44 PM

those song titles = awesome

Posted by: denise at August 30, 2005 10:43 PM

LMAO that is awesome. That's all I can say. I don't think singing any of those to my almost 5 year old would be good... but she listens to my anti-war, liberal cds and if you ask her who her fave singer and guitar player is, she is quick to answer Tom Morello. Preferably his Nightwatchman gig... not sure if your familiar with it, its political and folky!!

Posted by: Mandy at August 30, 2005 10:56 PM

Songs for Parents Who've Cracked up from lack of Sleep, Volume 1. Collect the entire Rude Cactus set, coming to you soon from your friends at K-Tel records.

Posted by: amy at August 31, 2005 03:11 AM

oh mi god... you are too much

Posted by: stinkerbell at August 31, 2005 05:42 AM

Wow. 42 comments to date on this. I have to weigh in, as this has been a topic of conversation lately with us. I've been doing the same thing with our 6 month-old. My wife does too. Although not as "colorful" as your rendition, here are the original lyrics for a song my wife came up with. It's a bit like a jump-rope song:

I like sweet po-tay-toes
I like corn
Gim-me some, gim-me some, gim-me some more
I like green-beans and pea-ches too
I like anything that looks like GOO!
I want chic-ken and some tur-key
And when I get teeth
I'll want BEEF JER-KY!
[repeat ad-naseum]

Have a media-filled day.

Blog on,

Posted by: Sam at August 31, 2005 09:50 AM


Posted by: Tammy at August 31, 2005 10:14 AM

OK I got all of the song titles but the last one. Call me silly but What does a tank of gas have to do with grabbing your ankles?

Posted by: Matt at August 31, 2005 05:59 PM

OMG, Chris, I totally needed that. LOVE the song titles....more, please!

Posted by: lu at August 31, 2005 06:01 PM

no, that's not appropriate! not at all! pshhh! :)

Posted by: tiffanie at August 31, 2005 06:39 PM

I think we need an audioblog of these songs to get the full effect.
And then we can play them at the office!

Posted by: Kitty at August 31, 2005 07:45 PM

Yeah, I second the audio blog idea. :D

Posted by: Spring at September 1, 2005 10:53 AM

I started singing my own composition, "Who Let the Hoochie Out?" the other night at a pizza place and was reminded of this post.

Posted by: Casey at September 1, 2005 03:36 PM

I fully agree with you, as you can see on the following blog:

Posted by: Annie at September 11, 2005 11:02 AM