November 30, 2005

I Told You I Was 12

The last couple of days (well, nights, really) have been hard. Really hard. Neither Beth nor I have gotten a great deal of sleep lately. Beth's gotten considerably less than I. Mia has decided, apparently, to give up sleep altogether. She'd much rather play, thankyouverymuch. This shit's frustrating, people! This morning, it wasn't any easier.

Beth, having reached her breaking point (so indicated by the bottle of Jack Daniels and pint of Ben and Jerry's she was consuming for breakfast), woke me nice and early this morning to take over. Mia had been nearly impossible to get into bed last night and refused to sleep much even after we finally got her reasonably comfortable. I picked Mia up and started the whole rocking thing...and was promptly bathed in puke. I was shirtless so this was a really refreshing experience. Mia Wardrobe Change #1. Then? She pooped. Not just any old poop but one of those forceful poops that somehow defies gravity and lets slip the surly bonds of diaper. After a change of diaper and wardrobe (Mia Wardrobe Change #2), we went back to the rocking. And the pooping. Yes, folks, this poop equaled its predecessor in enthusiasm - what we call a "blowout" in the Cactus-Fish household - and necessitated another diaper and wardrobe change (Mia Wardrobe Change #3). Apparently the changing table offended Mia in some way because, whilst making the required wardrobe change, she pooped on it too. Nothing better than free-range poop at 5:00 in the morning.

If you're keeping score at home - Mia 3, Dad 0.

I'm now dressed, at work and my eyes are somewhat open. I don't think I smell like baby puke or poop but I have some serious concerns about how productive I'll be able to be today. It could be because I'm so tired but there was one thing that made me laugh like an idiot this morning. On the way to work, I pulled up beside a truck obviously hauling scaffolding to a construction site. I was level with the cab when I looked over and saw the sign on the door. It was simple, descriptive and direct - ERECTION SPECIALISTS. Heh.

Posted by Chris at November 30, 2005 07:02 AM

isn't parenting glamorous? i'm sorry your morning was... odorous. if it makes you feel better, i'll be sitting on a plane for 5 hours with a kid whose first act this morning was to chuck breakfast at me and proceed to scream for an hour. it's a good day all around, i guess.

Posted by: misi at November 30, 2005 07:17 AM

If JD and Ben and Jerry's for breakfast is any indication of how tired Beth was this morning, it was probably a good thing that you took over for the Pooping/Puking Episodes. Good job, Dad!

Posted by: Raybelle at November 30, 2005 07:22 AM

Hmm. How do you suppose one goes about being certified as an "Erection Specialist"?

Blowouts are no freaking fun. When I was working at the daycare, there was one little 3 year old, cute as can be, who just wasn't getting the whole potty training thing. So he was still in diapers and 9 times out of 10, after naptime, I had to literally give this boy a bath because of the blowouts. No one else would do it. Used to drive me crazy!

Posted by: pea at November 30, 2005 07:45 AM

Chris: The chiro in me yearns to respond this way. I guess now you know why Mia had trouble sleeping. It sounds like something was disagreeable with her body, fighting off a bug perhaps. Anyway, sometimes ya just got to let the body do its thing to remove aggrevating agents (by either puking or pooping more than usual). Anyway, to help induce sleep in a newborn, rub her ear lobes. Specifically the lower part where girls often wear their earrings and then go higher up to the middle of the ear on the outmost edge of her ear. Those are acupuncture pressure points that help relieve irritation and calm baby. Try it the next time she's fussy.

Posted by: Dolly at November 30, 2005 07:45 AM

Oh, Chris!

If it makes you feel better, I just informed Beaux of the reality of projectile poop. He's now very scared of having a baby at any point in the future.

Posted by: samantha at November 30, 2005 07:49 AM

and suddenly my biological clock comes to a screeching halt and somewhere my boyfriend breathes a sigh of relief, unawares as to why.

it's all i can do to get dressed in the morning, let alone deal with puke and prolific poop. good job dad!

Posted by: suze at November 30, 2005 07:49 AM

wow. thats definitely a morning right there.

maybe you should share some of beth's breakfast with mia? that might help...

Posted by: steph at November 30, 2005 07:53 AM

what a rough way to start the day...and it's not even monday. yuck. sorry about your luck! :(

Posted by: tiffanie at November 30, 2005 08:38 AM

Sorry to hear about the terrible night. Just think in 18 years you'll get a good night's sleep.

As for the "erection specialist", that is damn funny.... Did you get a pic?

Posted by: Cher at November 30, 2005 08:39 AM

Cher thinks you'll be sleeping soundly in 18 years? She doesn't have my 19 year old daughter onboard...

Mia currently has no motivation to sleep through the night. Quite the contrary- why sleep when you can be with the ones you love? You can sleep later, while Daddy is trying to work. So here's the trick: Figure out why she might want to sleep while you do- at night.
I was never able to conjure that one myself...I think as time passed and we became increasingly tired and less user friendly they got the message but it took quite a while, especially with the first one.

Posted by: Vicki at November 30, 2005 08:58 AM

So many things in life become hysterically funny when you are raising babies.

I remember my son's first portrait experience- I took him (7 weeks old) and his three year old sister to the mall to have pictures taken, and they survived unscathed. when we returned to the parking lot, a flock of birds had relieved themselves on my van. As we pulled into the driveway, the baby had a mega blowout diaper and his big sister made a beeline for the bathroom, announcing loudly "Poop time, Mommy!" Since I was busy changing the boy, I wasn't able to ensure that my daughter did not use the entire roll of toilet paper to wipe herself, thus resulting in a flooding toilet. When I told my mother, who called not long after the mess was finally cleaned up, that I was having a crappy day, I laughed myself silly for five solid minutes.

Posted by: MamaKaren at November 30, 2005 09:05 AM

Heh... that's funny about the truck! I'm sorry about your rough night... maybe tonight she'll do better? Let's hope so... Hey, at least you didn't piss off 20+ cars this morning when the toll-booth refused to take ANY of your money.. (all of the change in my car equaling $1.50 or so)... So because they were all pissed at me, I just drove through... Hey, the way I see it... the stupid toll booth ate $1.50 of mine... I don't care WHERE it ended up (pavement probably when it spit it all out at me)

So.. you got a good laugh on the way to work :) Enjoy that!!

Posted by: Corinne at November 30, 2005 09:05 AM


I promise it DOES get easier and eventually you will get some decent sleep....

Until then drink some Jack and eat some ice cream with your wife :)

Posted by: Kelly at November 30, 2005 09:09 AM

Finding humor in that name is pefectly normal behavior at any age.

Embrace such relief where ever you find it.

Bumper stickers are a good source for a lift of spirits.

Ali and I got a case of the giggles the other day from a sticker that proclaimed "REPUBLICANS FOR VOLDEMORT".

Posted by: Allan at November 30, 2005 09:17 AM

Gah, the poop. (Although calling it "free range" cracks me up.)

And you know I'm totally picturing those guys in the truck handing out samples of Viagra.

Posted by: Fraulein N at November 30, 2005 09:18 AM

All I can say is...Bleh. I know how you feel and I wish we all lived closer, we could take turns with the kids and maybe be sleeping at least every OTHER night which is better than nothing. This is why our children are so cute...otherwise we might want to give them back.

Posted by: JuJuBee at November 30, 2005 09:24 AM

You poor thing and poor Mia! I sure hope you guys get some sleep tonight, the sleep deprivation thing gets to me. I either become grouchy or delirious and goofy.
p.s. Maybe it was an asian company and the sign was supposed to say election specialist lol.

Posted by: dragonlady474 at November 30, 2005 09:38 AM

Sounds like a lovely evening/morning. Is she getting or maybe IS sick? Sounds like an intestinal thing. Especially with the puking AND the pooping. A LOT.

Take care of you guys!

Posted by: Queen of Ass at November 30, 2005 09:40 AM

Husband and I used to call that stage of infantness "The Gauntlet"... as if that is what you are running. I know someone telling you it eventually gets better does NOTHING to ease the sleeplessness, crankiness, etc., but it does.

And that earlobe thing? Works. As does gently rubbing from between the eyes down to the tip of the nose and back again.

Or perhaps slipping some of Jack's finest in HER bottle. ;)

Posted by: Pammer at November 30, 2005 10:20 AM

Ew times 3! How about a pearl of wisdom? How late is her last nap of the day? Let me know, and I shall throw what I hope turns out to be a pearl your way!

Posted by: Theresa at November 30, 2005 10:59 AM

ERECTION SPECIALISTS ha! now when would you have the opportunity for that?

Oh and buddy, you got a little smutz there on your shoulder.
What's that funky smell?

Posted by: speckledpup at November 30, 2005 11:10 AM

Erection specialist gets me every time. As does any job listing for "fabricator." Who knew that construction could be so damn funny?

Posted by: Penny Pressed at November 30, 2005 11:36 AM

Well, if it makes you feel any better, in three hours I will be presenting a lovely seminar on Male Erectile Disorder to a crowd of young adults who probably think it will never happen to them. I LOVE the truck's a

Sounds like Miss Mia wasn't feeling so well. Tummy virus, perhaps. Hope it gets better soon.

Posted by: Jaycie at November 30, 2005 11:52 AM

Ha, that shit's funny, but maybe that's because Miss Lucy has decided that she is a night owl as well and my husband is traveling for five days. ;)

Sorry Mia is sleeping so poorly, it does get better is all I can tell you.

Posted by: A.K. at November 30, 2005 11:53 AM

While holding my God daughter she peed on me turned threw up in my hair, and then cried. I admit that I cried a little too.

Erection specialist is funny. A grocery store chain where I live has a produce postion called Banana Specialist. Hee hee. How do you put those on your resume?

Posted by: Eeek at November 30, 2005 11:53 AM

you just reminded me to get a refill on the ol' BC...I'm sure it gets better at some point. Eventually you'll have a lovely daughter who eats you out of house and home with a severe addiction to Coach and the NEED to attend private college.

Good luck!

Posted by: Heather B. at November 30, 2005 12:15 PM

Wow - yep, you're morning was worse than mine, although I also got puked on.

Tell Beth that I hope Mia sleeps better for her tonight, and also I wish I lived MUCH closer so that I could join her for her breakfast of champions next time around!

Posted by: Marie at November 30, 2005 01:06 PM

Boy, do I remember those days. They suck. Is there anyone who can watch Mia for a little while so Beth can get some sleep? Being home (read: isolated) all day, and sleep deprived can really f*uck with your mental health. Seriously.

Posted by: Sheryl at November 30, 2005 01:06 PM

Smile! Dogs are no better! This morning before 6am I found pee on a silk rug, then stepped on a random puke/diarhea (not sure), then found three more piles of it, then one of the dogs knocked the unattended cereal bowl over so it was milk clean-up time.

And yes, Erection Specialists is a good one.

Posted by: Heather at November 30, 2005 01:52 PM

just keep in mind that at least you're getting fodder for the obligatory stories you will have to tell to embarrass Mia when she grows up.

Posted by: Lizzie at November 30, 2005 02:06 PM

Turtle went through something similar when he was about three months.

And my answer - which is the wrong answer - by many standards - I put him in bed with me. Plopped him down on top of a pillow and let him sleep right beside me. I had to get sleep... and sleep won over what all the advice from the baby books.

Posted by: Snidget at November 30, 2005 02:15 PM

oh man, i'm having a baby RIGHT NOW! that sounds like SO MUCH FUN!!

Posted by: jodi at November 30, 2005 02:32 PM

Dear Mia, today would be a good day to do something especially cute or learn a new skill. If you're not gonna sleep, you gotta give the parents something, kiddo.

Posted by: Julie at November 30, 2005 02:55 PM

Do you think she might be teething? All 3 of my kiddos cut their first teeth at 3 months. With the first one, the pediatrician didn't believe me until my son's two bottom teeth came peeking out through the gums. I hope you all get some sleep soon! (More sleep, less poop) :)

Posted by: Niki at November 30, 2005 02:56 PM

I was all ready to go get my tubes untied and try for a baby but now you've reminded me why I got them tied in the first place! I like kids a lot. But I LOVE sleep. Seriously. I am such a crybaby when I don't get enough sleep. Then I say terrible things and make everyone hate me.

It will get better. Promise. I think we did the same thing to our parents and look how we turned out. On second thought...

Posted by: Ms. Q at November 30, 2005 03:18 PM

I might have you beat...we have a company here in town that's called (and yes, proudly displayed on all their trucks) Big Boy's Steel Erections

Posted by: dorothy at November 30, 2005 03:27 PM

Been there, been there, been there. When she's an adult and has a very successful career making loads of dough, I think I'd remind her of these types of moments right before Father's Day, your birthday and Christmas.

They grow up so fast.... That's what everyone says and those are the times you hope "They" are right. :-)

Its a good thing little kiddos are so damn adoreable!

Posted by: Lisa B at November 30, 2005 03:34 PM

You poor thing! I've heard babies do that on a regular basis

Posted by: Pixie at November 30, 2005 03:56 PM

Ohhhh Chris, I'm so sorry your little Bean is being so challenging and so...poopy. How many times did you gag in the midst of the puking and pooping extravaganza?

I hope you get a little shut-eye tonight.

Posted by: Colleen at November 30, 2005 04:03 PM

Ahh...the ever famous (and always messy) blowout. I'm sorry you're not getting much sleep (I feel your pain)and I hope Mia gets back on track soon for all involved.

Posted by: Kimmer at November 30, 2005 04:26 PM

ouch. Rough night. You get to pay her back for days like this later, when she's a teen and wants to sleep in (wake her up at buttcrack of dawn) or go on a date (what? after you wouldn't sleep through the night as a baby? I don't think so).

Posted by: Betty at November 30, 2005 04:56 PM

Ack- the memories! Oh. My. Been there... so not long ago. Just take heart in knowing you WILL sleep again. Someday.

-- from another sleep deprived mom

Posted by: Bethany at November 30, 2005 05:52 PM

I've been an auditor at a construction client for the past five busy seasons, and everytime I see that they're doing "erection" at a job site I chuckle. It still gets me after all of this time.

Posted by: Beth in StL at November 30, 2005 07:12 PM

I just have to give a big fat ditto to Suze's comment:

"and suddenly my biological clock comes to a screeching halt and somewhere my boyfriend breathes a sigh of relief, unawares as to why.

it's all i can do to get dressed in the morning, let alone deal with puke and prolific poop. good job dad!"

Posted by: amy at November 30, 2005 08:23 PM

i laughed when i read oral roberts university today... only because it has the word oral in it! i will never be rid of the 9 year old boy inside me.

Posted by: chlamygirl at November 30, 2005 09:08 PM

please let us know if you get some sleep. i wish the Boy and i could come over and take her for a few hours for you and Beth. Hugs.

Posted by: alektra at November 30, 2005 11:42 PM

I had to re-read the first part of your post SEVERAL times. Am I reading it right - in a sexual way? And then the poor poopy mia, etc.?? You kinda glossed over it and didn't mention it again in any detail until the 'erection' thing. Does this mean because you're both tired, 'that' ain't happening? Or, am I missing something? Maybe i'm too sleepy?!?

Posted by: Starfruit at November 30, 2005 11:50 PM

wow. maybe I should have kids now, while I have the energy. Oh, wait. nevermind.

Erection specialists... hehhe

Posted by: Autumn at December 1, 2005 01:43 AM