February 02, 2006

Every Cactus Has Its Thorn

The other night, Beth and I were beached on the couch, having successfully tucked Mia into bed, when we saw an ad for Monster Ballads. It was one of the typical "as seen on TV" music ads - clips of the original videos with song and artist names scrolling up the screen. David Coverdale belting out power ballads in the middle of a rain-soaked highway; Poison, teased hair and more makeup than Tammy Faye, bent over acoustic guitars with smoldering cigarettes hanging out of their mouths; the Nelson twins jumping around on stage looking more like Bizarro Olsen twins than legit musicians...you know what I'm talking about. As the name of each hair metal ballad went by, I noticed a disturbing trend. I owned every song. Turns out, of the 35 songs in the collection, there are only five that I don't own. Worse, I don't just own the songs, I own the albums from which they came

I don't know whether to wear my hair metal history as a badge of honor or a spandex-covered scarlet letter of shame.

Posted by Chris at February 2, 2006 07:04 AM

I actually own "Monster Ballads" and "Arena Rock". AND, I still listen to them...

Posted by: Cher at February 2, 2006 07:43 AM

HONOR! And you've got a partner in crime right here.

Posted by: Chag at February 2, 2006 07:44 AM

It's a medal of honor! I not only own Monster ballads, but the albums and much more.. I long for the 80's

Posted by: Angelia at February 2, 2006 07:51 AM

I know the commercial and I think we might have you topped. Sarah and I have had discussions about monster ballads we own that did not make the album but should have.

Posted by: Gabe at February 2, 2006 08:02 AM

We own Monster Ballads. My husband is also the proud owner of Monster Booty. That one's not quite as good... And we still own all the original albums, mostly on tape. Plus a huge collection of "greatest hits" albums on CD.

You are not alone.

Posted by: Alissa at February 2, 2006 08:06 AM

be proud! I own them all, too. And I own one called Power Ballads, which is the same thing.

Posted by: Lisa at February 2, 2006 08:06 AM

There is no shame in being a former(or current) hair band fan...those were some good time!!! I still have my Ratt and Twisted Sister concert shirts! And although I dont have any of my hair band cd's on my itunes, I still have every CD....cause sometimes you just need to rock out to Poison.....

Posted by: Lisa at February 2, 2006 08:26 AM

It's ok. My husband knows ALL of the lyrics. It's from the time in his life when he had a mullet. Yes, a mullet. Perhaps it's needless to say that was before I came along?

Posted by: heels at February 2, 2006 08:31 AM

As long as you're no longer wearing spandex, you should consider it a badge of honor. I can usually be found rocking out to power ballads in my car.

Posted by: wendy at February 2, 2006 08:32 AM

let your freak flag fly. hair bands are good hairspray-soaked fun.

Posted by: kara at February 2, 2006 08:36 AM

while i was watching it i thought to myself "i actually like all of these songs!" cool.

Posted by: jaymarie at February 2, 2006 08:40 AM

hahahahahaha you own the nelson twins....


Posted by: stinkerbell at February 2, 2006 08:47 AM

Hee, Monster Booty.

Posted by: Fraulein N at February 2, 2006 08:51 AM

I've secretly been wanting to order that for years. I might still. But I won't tell my husband.

Posted by: donna at February 2, 2006 08:51 AM

I remember once someone asking me what an LP was. At that moment I was actually speachless! On a side note, I am sure that the hair band types would shake in their spandex if you held up a lighter.

Posted by: anonymous at February 2, 2006 09:03 AM

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Order NOW and you can own ALL of these classic cuts! (Chris- did you miss the ALL in the commercial? It's 1-800-HAIRMET...)

Posted by: vicki at February 2, 2006 09:13 AM

Rock on with your power ballads!

Posted by: suburban misfit at February 2, 2006 09:38 AM

depends....have you owned them for 20 years, or did you purchase them recently on iTunes to re-live your glory days? Hmmmm???

Posted by: kalisah at February 2, 2006 09:40 AM

No shame there - I have quite a few of them too.

Posted by: Heather at February 2, 2006 09:41 AM

Badge of honor for sure. And I'm envious that you own the albums. Every time I see the commercial for that CD I want to buy it!

Posted by: Cristina at February 2, 2006 09:56 AM

depends... did you have a mullet?

Posted by: jodi at February 2, 2006 10:01 AM

I've been seeing that commercial a lot and rock out to it each time, while also laughing at the rediculous hair and clothing styles. Seems like yesterday so I have "sigh" a little when I realize it was 15 FREAKIN years ago. Wow!


Posted by: VirgoJen at February 2, 2006 10:01 AM

We saw that commercial the other night, and I cracked up because a) I don't have a TV in France and b) the French don't have commercials for that kind of crap anyway...but I have to agree with Jaymarie: I kept saying "Oh, I like that song. I used to LOVE that one!"

My point? Embrace your hair metal history. (Says the proud former Durannie who didn't like hair bands except in secret).

Posted by: Alison at February 2, 2006 10:09 AM

Oh man, now I'm singing "Ev'ry rose has its thorn..." Damn you.

Posted by: Alison at February 2, 2006 10:12 AM

Hey, we saw that commercial last night! And had a conversation about how silly they all look...and how we do, in fact own some of those songs ourselves. Which, with my husband, turned into a story about how he just got some live version of the one Skid Row song that he ever liked. Because he has to own all the music, ever.

Posted by: bad penguin at February 2, 2006 10:17 AM

That's awesome. I'm more than a little jealous of your hair metal collection.

Posted by: Dawn at February 2, 2006 10:23 AM

Is that last part a question? Do you want an opinion? ;)

Posted by: Theresa at February 2, 2006 10:34 AM

Badge of honour, definitely.

You'll be like me. Someone who says "I listen to music that can be described as crap by some people but those people are ignorant and stupid and horrible and bastards and ill-informed and even if they're not I don't care."

Seriously RC, us music lovers need to stand and unite:


Posted by: Alice at February 2, 2006 10:46 AM

Rock On, Rude. ROCK ON!!!

Posted by: Wicked H at February 2, 2006 10:49 AM

You can't be the only who likes that kind of music - afterall someone took the time to compile that and sell it 'cause they thought there was a market for it...

Posted by: Marie at February 2, 2006 11:00 AM

Two things...

1. Embrace the love of hair bands

Posted by: eeek at February 2, 2006 11:05 AM

Every time I see that commercial, I tell the BWB that I want that. I say honey, I'm serious, I really want that. He just rolls his eyes. I promise honey, I'll leave it in the car for just me to hear!

Posted by: A.K. at February 2, 2006 11:07 AM

Muhahahahaha! I love to make fun of all that music! My parents listened to it when I was little in the early 80's!

Posted by: Jess at February 2, 2006 11:18 AM

I sooooo know what you mean, Chris! I own most of the songs AND albums as well. And I was okay with that until my sis-in-law called it "butt rock" and made fun of it.

HOWEVER...wear that metal badge of honor proudly!

*Amy turns and walks out of the room with her fist held high in the air, loudly singing "We're not gonna take it! No, we ain't gonna take it! We're not gonna take it anymore......"*

Posted by: Doula Amy at February 2, 2006 11:42 AM

Well Chris.... I know what it means to walk along a lonely street of dreams.....



Posted by: Sue at February 2, 2006 11:45 AM

Way to represent, buddy! Wear your mullet with pride! Most of that shit is great...

Although if you really have the Sheriff album we may need to talk...

Posted by: CroutonBoy at February 2, 2006 11:52 AM

This is the kind of commercial that when it comes on everybody in the room looks at me.

Gabe already admitted that we have discussions about the monster ballads and what was left off. We also try to figure out how many of the albums we already have.

Posted by: Sarah at February 2, 2006 11:56 AM

i'm with you....I used to worship every one of those bands....*shudder*

Hey, I was 12! That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. ;)

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at February 2, 2006 12:33 PM

Oooh, tough call, honor or shame.

Of course, no choice would have been necessary if you'd just kept this alarming information to yourself.

Posted by: bhd at February 2, 2006 12:39 PM

I so badly want that cd. Every time the commercial comes on, I start singing along with all the songs. In fact, a few weeks ago, I had a dream involving one of the songs on that album. I was dancing with a guy and singing the song at the top of my lungs and everyone thought I was SO COOL FOR KNOWING IT.

Of course, this from the girl who launched into a one-person guessing game after someone on an episode of Freaks & Geeks said, "Do you have the new Rush album? It rocks!" My gut told me to go with Moving Pictures, which would have put me a year off but I ignored my gut and shrieked, "CARESS OF STEEL!" I am so teh stupid. 1975 is so not 1980.

Posted by: Rhonda at February 2, 2006 12:51 PM

I too have some of those songs, and I'm known to sing along when they come on the radio...but I keep it in the closet. shhh!

Posted by: MrsJoseGoldbloom at February 2, 2006 12:52 PM

You also got "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" stuck in my head. And that's one of those ones that NEVER leaves :P

Posted by: Heather at February 2, 2006 01:32 PM

Ah, but to round out your collection, you need this: Tunes for Baby that Won't Drive You Crazy Rock Edition. Although, perhaps you need to make the hair band edition.

Posted by: L at February 2, 2006 01:46 PM

I know this commercial of which you speak. And despite also owning and loving almost all the songs..> I WANT THE CD anyway! lol

Posted by: amy at February 2, 2006 02:00 PM

was it the platinum edition? as soon as i saw that commercial, i called cj and told him that i want it for my next birthday.

mostly because of Mr Big's To Be With You is on it :P

Posted by: kate at February 2, 2006 02:11 PM

The best part was when you admitted to owning the entire albums, and not just the singles. Owning the singles would have been a little less of a faux pas.

(Should I even admit that I saw Bon Jovi in concert? And it wasn't even in the 90's. Nope, it was recent. And is it worse to admit that they r-o-c-k-e-d! And Jon has the whitest teeth I have ever seen on a human. Those things must have been expensive!)

Posted by: Isabel at February 2, 2006 02:19 PM

I say, enjoy it while you can. Once Mia's a teenager she'll tease you mercilessly if you listen to them then.

Posted by: Fauve at February 2, 2006 02:22 PM

Spotted you over at onegirlandhercats (alice) and just saying hi for now. I'll be back to lurk later.

Ann (granny) (whatever)

Posted by: ann adams at February 2, 2006 02:27 PM

There's certainly no shame to Monster Ballads. And I'll even one-up you:

"Is that Freedom Rock, man?"

"Yeah, man."

"Well, turn it up!"

But, worse than owning the songs, is that I've seen most of the bands on Monster Ballads live - damn, I might as well just kill myself now.

Posted by: Mr. Big Dubya at February 2, 2006 02:38 PM

I am a hair metal throwback myself. You know what? I love it and those songs make the best damn karaoke EVER!! Vive La Hair Band!! Rock on dude!

Posted by: Amy at February 2, 2006 03:53 PM

P.S. I hereby request a copy of Monster Ballads burned from your very own albums, if you please. I will pay shipping and handling!

Posted by: Amy at February 2, 2006 03:54 PM

honour, definitely

2 of our favourite road trip cd's:

Power Ballads
Hair Swingin' Tunes

and we all know ALL the words ....... (yes BIC lighters have made the odd appearance on these trips)

Posted by: Kathryn at February 2, 2006 03:59 PM

I would sooooo buy that album. And, on casual friday, I think you should wear the sparkly red spandex.

Posted by: jayne d'Arcy at February 2, 2006 04:56 PM

I have a T-shirt that says "mullet removal team". I think its a crack up since I am a hairstylist....

Posted by: Cher at February 2, 2006 05:14 PM

Put ON your spandex and consider it all a hair metal badge of honor. I know you'd have legions of Americans bowing down to you... or at the very least, rockin' out with you -- including ME!

Posted by: ironic1 at February 2, 2006 05:16 PM

In my book, definitely a badge of honor ;) I loved that music then and I still love it now. Sure my kids think I am a dork but I'm okay with that. I just can't get into the rap-crap they listen too lol.

Posted by: Chrissie at February 2, 2006 06:09 PM

Oh yeah, I always have to crank up the radio whenever one of those songs come on in the car. I have a good majority of those songs on tape & CD too. You know it was a crazy era in music when Ted Nugent had a power ballad too (in Damn Yankees with Tommy Shaw from Styx - "Can you take me high enough...")!

Posted by: Beth in StL at February 2, 2006 08:41 PM

Haha.. The Nelson twins were my first "rock" concert ever... like in 92!!

Posted by: ::c:: at February 2, 2006 08:41 PM

I actually played some of those songs on stage. We would actually play Poison's "Every Rose..." and then follow it up with Iron Maiden's "The Trooper".

We eventually came up with sets based on who was in the crowd; more women meant Poison/White Snake/Scorpions, more guys meant Iron Maiden/Metallica/Ozzy.

Posted by: Chris at February 2, 2006 09:25 PM

Honor!!! 80's ballads ROCK!

Posted by: Raybelle at February 2, 2006 11:13 PM

As much as I used to make fun of all those hair bands, I find myself singing along when that commercial comes on during The Daily Show and telling my husband, "we should totally order that!".

Posted by: catbird122 at February 2, 2006 11:46 PM

letter of shame??? NO WAY!!!! i went to the website actually more than once....why?? b/c i LOVE these songs!!! i saw poison in concert a few years ago with warrant and quiet riot...and i swear i am normal! lol.

Posted by: lizabetty at February 2, 2006 11:55 PM

I hear ya. I feel like I can NEVER ever criticize my child's taste in music once he hits high school (or his fashion sense) because hello... Heavy metal, monster ballads, mall hair, oversized shoulder pads and many other trends that I blindly went along with. :-)

Posted by: Lisa B at February 3, 2006 12:42 AM

I actually told my sister in law that I wanted monster ballads for my birthday. So I guess I will have to hang my head in shame with you or we can both just roll down the windows in the car and let everyone enjoy our youth one more time. I love hairbands!

Posted by: beanhead at February 3, 2006 06:45 AM

Yes, we love that commercial at our house--we have been walking around singing "Every Rose has its Thorn" and "Winds of Change"

Posted by: Liz at February 3, 2006 09:20 AM

Everytime I see that commercial, I have to stop myself from ordering it. I had all those on tapes and a few years ago I decided it was time to let the tapes go...RIP big hair bands, Spin Doctors and original Batman soundtrack. Hunny still makes fun of me when I sing along. He's the one that drives a Mullet Mobile!

Posted by: MelissaSunshine at February 3, 2006 09:48 AM

haha, that commercial is on non-stop here. Although its overplayed, I still find myself watching every second of it and singing along. Scorpions "Wind of Change" --damn gotta love that harmonic whisteling they embeded into that song.

Posted by: E at February 3, 2006 09:55 AM

Even more embarrassing than that? I totally want the BeeGees Love Songs disc I saw on TV the other night. Dude, next thing you know, I'll be taking Geritol. For real.


Nothing wrong with a little Nelson now and again.

Posted by: Ms. Q at February 3, 2006 11:39 AM

I saw that commercial...most of those songs were from the 80s. You were a child of the 80s! Wear that hair metal history badge with pride!

You've got that Queensryche album? I LOVED LOVED LOVED Silent Lucidity. Hearing that little clip made me want to download it onto the computer. I had bought it on one of those cassette singles. Remember those?

Posted by: Colleen at February 4, 2006 10:01 PM