March 02, 2006


Would someone please give me an excuse to get out of the two meetings I've got this afternoon? Somehow, I don't think I don't fucking care will suffice. I've come up with the following but I don't think they're any better.

1. I'm sorry, I have to take a nap.
2. You sure you need me? I've got vicious gas.
3. I'm so drunk!
4. God commanded me not to attend.
5. Mind if I bring my lunch? Anyone want some raw garlic and blue cheese salad?
6. I'm on duty as one of Satan's minions today. Gotta stay close to the phone.
7. I've temporarily lost the ability to hear. What? Huh?
8. I've fucking come down with a rare motherfucking case of African Cursing Sickness, bitches.

Posted by Chris at March 2, 2006 01:18 PM

How about:

Duuuuuuudddddeeeee- meetings are so last year!


Just dump a cup of water on the front of your pants and say: I had a little accident- do you really want me?


Sweet- I really needed to hide from [insert name of boss or evil client] anyway...

or my personal favorite...

GREAT- I'll bring the water balloons and you the burlap sacks...we will have a great time!

Posted by: Amy at March 2, 2006 01:27 PM

Maybe the "I have vicious gas" one will at least get you a pass to attend via conference call. It's not perfect, but at least you won't have to be *in* the meeting.

Posted by: Dawn at March 2, 2006 01:31 PM

Use Mia.

I'm sorry I can't make it. My wife's car died/has a flat. And Mia's been real sick and I have to take them to the Dr........

Stay close to the truth. It works for me :)

Posted by: tc at March 2, 2006 01:31 PM

Wrestle around with your pillow over lunch and tell them you've been doing volunteer work putting downs birds with avian flu.

Posted by: Vicki at March 2, 2006 01:36 PM

Some ones I use:

"The lights were against me"

"There's a medical emergency down the hall"

"Walt was taken by the Others!"

"I wouldn't add any value anyway"

"I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts!"

Posted by: CroutonBoy at March 2, 2006 01:37 PM

tell them that you have the poops.

Posted by: RzDrms at March 2, 2006 01:38 PM

I've always loved, "I've fallen, and I can't get up." See if that works.

Posted by: Michelle at March 2, 2006 01:41 PM

i got it! give up meetings for Lent! it's perfect, minus the whole... not believing thing. ;)

Posted by: kate at March 2, 2006 02:18 PM

Silly you for showering for the last five days. This all could have been avoided. Have Beth phone your cell during the meeting and say "hi honey. What's wrong. Try to stop crying and tell me. The baby is sick? How sick? She's really that hot? You want me to come home?"...etc, etc. There's no way to prove/disprove a high fever.

Successfully tried this one...

Posted by: Vicky at March 2, 2006 02:19 PM

I vote for either number 8, or the one I'm using today. I'm closing on my house! Yes, it's at 3pm and therefore I could technically get in a near-full day of work before that, but, um, nah.

Posted by: Leah at March 2, 2006 02:41 PM

"I'm sorry... i need to leave early... [whisper] female issues [/whisper] ... you know!"

Posted by: jodi at March 2, 2006 02:47 PM

I never use the "false illness" lie for anyone other than myself. I know it would be just a coincidence if the kids really DID become ill after I lied about it, but it would still bother me...I'm weird like that. That said, tell 'em you have the shits. Attend the beginning of meeting one if need be, but excuse yourself immediately and head to the bathroom...stay a long time...repeat as needed until told your presence isn't reallllllly needed.

Posted by: Jaycie at March 2, 2006 02:52 PM

Tell them you have eye trouble. You can't see going to the meetings.

Posted by: donna at March 2, 2006 03:05 PM

HA! To you and all the other ideas. Too funny.

How about: Digestive Problems. Nuff said, and most people don't want to hear anything more about it. And your digestive problem could totally be that you just can't stomach another meeting.

Posted by: Jessie at March 2, 2006 03:20 PM

Tell them you have a horrendous case of faucet ass, works every time.

Posted by: A.K. at March 2, 2006 04:18 PM

Too bad it wasn't on casual Friday. Then you could copy that Will Ferrell sketch from SNL and show up in teeny tiny shorts and a muscle shirt and then just act dumb when they say that your attire is inappropriate and that you should go home and change.

Posted by: Mike at March 2, 2006 04:24 PM

Tell them to send you the link to the podcast.

However, I LOVE African Cursing Sickness.


Posted by: JackassJimmy at March 2, 2006 04:31 PM

My friend's daughter once got out of giving me a hug by saying: "I can't, my bum hurts" you could try that...

Posted by: Marie at March 2, 2006 04:32 PM

Sorry, I have a bad case of "buns and sauce" works well too.

Posted by: JackassJimmy at March 2, 2006 04:33 PM

You could use a Wally technique and turn on your Aura of Extreme Incompetence.

Posted by: Gavin at March 2, 2006 04:34 PM

Try a bout of "Sybil". Only make up really creative names such as "Duke" or "Starla". Start to argue with those voices in your head. Duke is the wiskey guzzling chauvinistic man who speaks with a slight hick-up from time to time. Starla is the over emotional drama queen that swears she looks like Marilyn Monroe (younger years), and recites scenes from A Street Car Named Desire.
I think this will work.
The voices told me so.

Posted by: Jamie at March 2, 2006 04:40 PM

I was in a meeting once where the guy next to me was eating sardines. I spent most of the meeting gagging (unfortunately, I'm not the assertive type).

So rather than tick off your fellow employees, I say go with the nap excuse.

Posted by: Carolyn at March 2, 2006 05:38 PM

Say something like, "My raging roids are KILLING me. And I can't sit down or even walk."

Posted by: Lisa B at March 2, 2006 05:55 PM

The African Cursing Sickness is the best!! And I am one of Satan's minions on a daily basis, so I do have to stay by the phone. It's not as glamorous as it sounds.

On a serious note, I don't think you would do it, but lying about a sick kid is the worst worst worst bachi ever.

Posted by: Ms. Q at March 2, 2006 07:45 PM

I like #8 bitches! Of course, that may interrupt the flow of income.

Posted by: Nicole at March 2, 2006 08:40 PM

GREAT post...vicious gas (or viscous gas) is awesome. Hope you were able to duck out of death by meetings or survived to see yet another day.

Posted by: Dolly at March 2, 2006 09:54 PM

Ya know, seriously? I'd be a little worried about the whole interruption in income thing.

Posted by: Queen Of Ass at March 2, 2006 10:43 PM

i would go with the temporary hearing loss if its a corporation. Now if its an art department, the drunk thing hands down!

good luck with that. ;-)

Posted by: melanie at March 3, 2006 12:52 AM

i would go with the temporary hearing loss if its a corporation. Now if its an art department, the drunk thing hands down!

good luck with that. ;-)

Posted by: melanie at March 3, 2006 12:52 AM

This being the wooley internet, i figured there had to be something like this...

One I liked

32. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

Good luck staying awake!

Posted by: That Girl at March 3, 2006 07:28 AM

Tell them you and Beth are "trying". And she's just called to remind you that this is the last day she's ovulating so you have to leave early to go home and shag her.

Posted by: fauve at March 3, 2006 08:06 AM

Just put the phone up to your ear & pretend not to hear when they come to tell you about the meeting. Give them a half glance, then hold up a piece of paper with the words "Conference Call" in big black letters. And darn it all, the call lasted so long that it made you miss the entire meeting.

Posted by: MelissaS at March 3, 2006 09:42 AM

I read that as viscous gas. And that, my friend, scared me out of my wits.

Posted by: bhd at March 3, 2006 10:32 AM

I love #8. Dammit, I hate it when the fucking cursing sickness strikes!

Posted by: bad penguin at March 3, 2006 11:41 AM

How about just popping in to the meeting, raising your hand in the air and screaming "I rebuke you all in the name of all that is HOLEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Then pause, and say "AAAh-ITE-DEN" and walk out of the room.

You might even get some short term disability out of it.

Posted by: meghan at March 3, 2006 12:43 PM

How about, "Sorry."

Is there a need for explanation? :-)

Posted by: Bethany at March 3, 2006 05:16 PM