March 08, 2006

Inappropriate Things I Did Last Night

Stress, people. It drives you to do some crazy things. I had a big decision to make about work last night and found myself doing some rather, well, inappropriate things. Let's take a look, shall we?

Thing One: Craps
Just before we sat down to dinner, I tried to teach my daughter how to play craps with two of her blocks.
Beth: What are you doing?
Me: Teaching Mia to play craps with her blocks.
Beth: Oh. How are you doing?
Me: The house has been cruel but it looks like we're getting dinner comped.

Thing Two: Raise High The Roof Beam Bitches
Mia was in her jumpy seat/contraption/thingy. The whole jumping experience is really much better, in her opinion, if we jump along with her. She enjoyed it tonight. She raised her hands in the air, over and over again, like a comedian going for extra applause. I did the same. At some point, I might have also said, rather enthusiastically, "Let's raise the roof on this bitch." Um, several times.

Thing Three: Innocent and Always Prepared? My Ass!
Two weeks ago - one...two...two! - the neighborhood gang of Girlscouts we bought cookies from tried to deliver our two boxes. I didn't have cash, but I did have a screaming baby in my arms, and they refused to take a check. The nerve. I told them to come back. Finally, last night, they returned. We owed them $7 but Beth and I agreed we should dock them at least $2 for the late delivery and crappy service.
Beth: Did you give them all $7?
Me: Yeah.
Beth: But they were late.
Me: Well, I pulled one of them aside and I kicked her ass.
Beth: Oh, that's fine then.
Me (evil voice): Four went out to deliver cookies...only three returned. Mwahhahaha.

More of my fantastic behavior is documented over at Beth's site. Go see how truly hot I am. Meanwhile, it's happy humping.

Posted by Chris at March 8, 2006 07:10 AM

It's International Woman's Day so... Happy humping to You! I hope the answer to work problem because... either clear or 786, whichever your horoscope says.

Raise the roof on that bitch!

Posted by: That Girl at March 8, 2006 08:19 AM

Wanna know what I hate more than those girl scouts? Jehova (

I had some come to my door one time with their crap and I told them that I was a Satan worshipper. They never came back for some reason. ;)

Posted by: Red at March 8, 2006 08:54 AM

Hope the work stress issue has been figured out. At least you got to have a lot of fun while stressed - my husband was stressed out last night and so was incredibly crabby. I can promise you that he had absolutely no fun while being stressed (and neither did I).

Posted by: Jessie at March 8, 2006 09:00 AM

You guys get WAY better girl guide cookies that we do.
And I believe they are slightly cheaper as well.
happy humpin

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at March 8, 2006 09:11 AM

Everytime I think of Girl Scout cookies I think of that stupid movie "Corky Romano". When he says "Would you like some Girl Scout cuhkeees?"

Posted by: Jamie at March 8, 2006 09:23 AM

Could be worse. By the age of 3, my first born knew all the words to Paint It Black...

LMAO @ "how truly hot I am" I about peed myself laughing looking at those pictures.

Posted by: fauve at March 8, 2006 09:37 AM

This post made me crack up this morning, which is nice for me, but not for my neighbors in the adjacent cubes. :)

Posted by: Dana at March 8, 2006 09:50 AM

Oh, good! Now I don't feel so badly that Husband's been teaching The Swimmy to play poker since she could drool on his poker chips!

Posted by: Pammer at March 8, 2006 09:53 AM

Did you ask them if the cookies were made from real girl scouts? :-D

Posted by: Ginny at March 8, 2006 09:53 AM

Funny. I think I'll go read the other side of the story.

I don't remember "be prepared" when I was in the Scouts. I think that's the boys.

I learned poker from my uncle when I was very young - not that young though. I've been teaching the girls but it's a hard game to learn when there's nothing at stake and I don't especially want to turn them into gamblers.

Posted by: ann adams at March 8, 2006 09:54 AM

So many times I've wanted to kick girl scout ass! always do what I cannot bring myself to!

Posted by: Jade at March 8, 2006 10:21 AM

Dude, I paid $5 a box for my cookies. Did I get taken?

Posted by: Elaine at March 8, 2006 10:36 AM

Mine were late, too. I'm so glad you decided to do something about it!

Posted by: Queen of Ass at March 8, 2006 10:58 AM

I'm thinking Mia knows more than you know about craps. Just a guess... ;-P

Posted by: Polichick at March 8, 2006 11:19 AM

That's funny. Just read a comment about Jehovah's Witnesses, and I've posted about them today... Anyhow, careful with the beating up of girl scouts with cookies; it could turn ugly. Oh, sure, MOST of them are harmless enough, but one or two of those cute little girls with fluttering eyelashes have black belts in karate and skills that can have you wimpering for your mother within 30 seconds, and I don't mean in a good way...

...Trust me.

Posted by: Alice at March 8, 2006 11:34 AM

Ugh, I am so not looking forward to my Daisy Scout turning to a Brownie next year and having to sell those damn cookies like I did as a kid. I hate hassling people to buy. I may just make a large donation to get out of doing it.

Posted by: Sabrina at March 8, 2006 11:53 AM

You and me, both standing strong in the middle of a particularly heinous work week. What can make it better? For me, it is payday...looming on the horizon with which for me to buy shoes.

For you....kicking girl scouts asses?

Hmmmm... something is amuk.

Posted by: melati at March 8, 2006 11:56 AM

Hey, I owe a Girl Scout $7 too, for my Thin Mints and Samoas. It has not come to violence yet.

Hope you got the work decision sorted out.

Posted by: bad penguin at March 8, 2006 12:15 PM

Those girl scout bitches better watch it. I think my box of cookies are from LAST YEAR. They taste stale.

Posted by: Dooneybug at March 8, 2006 12:26 PM

roflmao@girl scot thing!! What a man!

Posted by: dragonlady474 at March 8, 2006 12:40 PM

So when Playing craps with blocks, I have to assume that they are the standard ABC 123 blocks right? What type of roll would be considered a Hard eight? Or how about a YO-eleven?

Posted by: Bill at March 8, 2006 01:55 PM

you so wimped out on those girl scouts.

Posted by: jodi at March 8, 2006 02:26 PM

It's about time you taught that girl a skill. You wouldn't want her to think she could get off on just her looks. My dad taught us to play poker when I was around 6. We bet with M&Ms and pretzels. I am fucking great at poker becasue of that. The "raising the roof Bitches" comment is cracking me up. Well, I'm off to Beth's site to see how truly hot you are.

Posted by: Melissa at March 8, 2006 02:32 PM

Mia needs to start her own blog. SHe's got tons of great material on just her parents alone. heehee

Posted by: Lisa B at March 8, 2006 02:34 PM

After a stressful day, I feed my kids cheesecake and popcorn for dinner.
They usually don't notice the couple of bottle of wine i've put in body until after they awaken from the sugar coma.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Posted by: chantel at March 8, 2006 02:50 PM

Dude, you could have totally beat their little girlscout, strumpet-asses. They are drug dealers and deserve to be treated as such. Try telling me girl scout cookies are not legalized crack.


Posted by: JackassJimmy at March 8, 2006 03:07 PM

save that girl scout! we can put her in the cookie mix for next year! girl scout cookies made from real girl scouts are the BEST.

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at March 8, 2006 03:16 PM

The Girl Scouts here take checks. What gives? Love the reference to Salinger. And teaching your child Craps is just giving her some practical skills she can use later on. Is that so wrong?

Posted by: wordgirl at March 8, 2006 04:02 PM

Why are my girl scout cookies more expensive than yours? I'm paying $4 a box for them. But I can't kick any of them (not that I've actually seen them) because it's my boss' girls and he just brings in the sheet and we buy them.

And, I can't wait 'till Mia starts talking and ends up swearing like a sailor at 3 yrs old.

Posted by: hannah at March 8, 2006 04:30 PM

Your wife should be thanking you and kissing your feet for upping your daughters skills like that - dice, vocabulary - come on!

I need to kick some girl scout ass. I don't even have a girl and I always get suckered into buying a shitload of cookies I won't eat.

Posted by: DebbieDoesLife at March 8, 2006 08:07 PM

You had me literally laughing out loud with the craps and the raising the roof. Just. Too. Damn. Funny.

Posted by: ironic1 at March 9, 2006 05:30 PM