March 14, 2006

Search String Madness!

The good news is that the whole dentist thing yesterday went well. No cavities or anything, although I did get a talking-to about my poor flossing habits. Those people are just obsessed with floss. I think they're getting paid off by the corporate flossing giants. Sadly, most of my creative powers were, apparently, housed in that gunk between my teeth because honestly I've got nothing. Luckily for me, it was about time to comb my search strings so, without further ado, here they are.

Rude games to play now. I'm going to recommend the always-fun Fuck With Weird Search String People.
A-Team soundtrack words. It was an instrumental, jackass.
Bootie butt. Isn't that somewhat redundant? Like "boobie tits" or "penis dick"?
You look very GQ. Why, thank you!
I don't know my neighbors. You wanna borrow our white trash neighbors? You're welcome to 'em.
Remove your pants. You first.
Am I having a boy or girl? and Free test is it a boy or a girl. Since there's obviously some demand, try the following: First, you'll want to grab a package of fresh boneless chicken breasts, a package of nails and some ping-pong balls. Also? A copy of J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye. Remove the chicken breasts from the package and nail one to each available wall. Now, shove as many of the ping-pong balls in your mouth as you can. Open your copy of Catcher In The Rye and begin singing it to the tune of Gilligan's Island. Continue until chicken begins to smell or you reach chapter 10 in the book. Then call your doctor and schedule a sonogram. That other stuff doesn't prove a damn thing except that you're the asshat I assumed you were having searched my site for this information.
Acupuncture pressure points for pee. Look, I have no idea what you're going for but I can tell you this - needles and any body part involved in peeing really don't go together.
Ass dog! Penis cat!
Harry Potter cartoon porn. Yes, from the little known, unpublished adventure, Harry Potter and the Sex Slaves of Fluffandhump.
Louie Anderson you go now! Thank god I'm not alone. He is annoying as hell, isn't he?
Shaving with cool whip. Hey, whatever works.
The scariest shit on the web. I'm looking at it.
How do i know if my boobs are growing? Gah!
Picture of pregnant lobster. Oh great, now people are here looking for crustacean porn.
Ranch dressing cow urine. Ahhh, the secret of Hidden Valley.
Shit! Nothing makes sense so I won t think about it. I'll go with the ignorance. Amen, my friend. Amen.
Dick Cheney nude pix. You sick fuck. Please step away from the Internet.

Posted by Chris at March 14, 2006 08:06 AM

Ok, the last one literally made me shudder... Ewwwwww

Posted by: amber at March 14, 2006 08:12 AM

>Picture of pregnant lobster. Oh great, now people are here looking for crustacean porn.


Posted by: e at March 14, 2006 08:12 AM

I am so tempted to do a search for Dick Cheney nude pix now! Scary...

Posted by: Amber at March 14, 2006 08:28 AM

Oh my. My mind is racing--no, not in a good, positive way. And, of course, I can't stop giggling!

Posted by: Kristen at March 14, 2006 08:33 AM

I'll trade you the Dick Cheney porn for the ENDLESS searches by stalkers of Patrick Dempsey that I get.

He's hot, but, hey, he's no Dick Cheney! :)

Posted by: Pammer at March 14, 2006 08:41 AM

I like the people who use exclamation points. Like this! Because dammit, internet, I want answers and I want them now! Ass dog! Louie Anderson you go now! Why isn't this working?

Posted by: Fraulein N at March 14, 2006 08:57 AM

I'll have to change my writing style. All I ever get is people looking for recipes.

This is funny.

Posted by: ann adams at March 14, 2006 09:19 AM

I'm almost afraid to look at my search strings. I think it would creep me out too much. :)

Posted by: Marilyn at March 14, 2006 09:30 AM

I've never looked at my search strings. I'm sure I'd never get anything as funny as "Ass dog!"

Posted by: candace at March 14, 2006 09:38 AM

LMAO You are hysterical. Love your humor! But yeah, scary search strings.

Posted by: Tricia at March 14, 2006 09:54 AM

oh dear god. no one needs to see that last one.

Posted by: suze at March 14, 2006 10:06 AM

I almost spewed my coffee all over my keyboard with the ass dog one. LMAO.
Yay search strings.

Posted by: hannah at March 14, 2006 11:03 AM

LOL - those are some really good ones - but of course it's the commentary you add that makes them that much more funny!

Posted by: Marie at March 14, 2006 11:14 AM

Crustacean porn. Now I'm picturing a lobster hunched over the keyboard, pecking away with his pincers and getting frustrated at all the wrong keys he's hitting while searching for porn.

Posted by: bad penguin at March 14, 2006 11:25 AM

This is why I block search engines.

Posted by: statia at March 14, 2006 11:29 AM

Those are really interesting! LMAO! There's some weird sick folks out there. Dick Cheney Nude pix? OMG!!! I had two this week that I couldn't believe. My Kid Hates Me and my all time favorite: Fucked my Bestfriend's mom. Gotta love Google and MSN!

Posted by: Sabrina at March 14, 2006 11:40 AM

Dick Cheney nude pics!! Hold me. I'm scared.

I actually felt a little bad laughing at some of those, but when I realize there are people looking for bootie butt and Dick Cheney nude (same person?) I wonder if I really want to be affiliated with people using the internet in this manner!

Flossing is good. But I agree that the dentists are in cahoots with the flossing industry.

Posted by: Ms. Q at March 14, 2006 11:52 AM

What??? You don't think Cheney's hot? I only searched that once, I swear.

Posted by: Queen of Ass at March 14, 2006 11:55 AM

Explain to me why these all return your site. Especially, the Ass Hat! one...

Posted by: wlfldy at March 14, 2006 12:27 PM

Um. I reread my comment and I have to say, it didn't come out like I meant it. I mean, not that your site is Ass Hattable, or anything. Anyway, I didn't mean it like that. I just wonder why Dick Cheney porn points back to Rude Cactus. OMG! What is Dick Cheney doing to the Cacti of America. Careful, he's got a gun and he knows how to use it.

Posted by: wlfldy at March 14, 2006 12:30 PM

Ranch dressing cow urine.

Seriously? What could this even mean?

(maybe I should goodle it and find out!)

Posted by: Isabel at March 14, 2006 12:45 PM

i can assure you, as the daughter of a hygienist, they don't get paid by the flossing giants. oh the life of luxury I would have had, growing up, if they had!

Posted by: jodi at March 14, 2006 12:50 PM

Ok so this totally has nothing to do with your post, but I just checked out the bean site and the picture of Mia sleeping...sigh...she looks like a little angel! :)

Posted by: Dana at March 14, 2006 01:14 PM

Oh my gosh. They're all weird, but the last one!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Posted by: Heather at March 14, 2006 01:21 PM

GAH!!!!!!!! MY EYES!!!! I've got this horrible, terrible, awful mental image I don't need right now... that last one?! You could've totally kept to yourself... EW, EW, EW!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Corinne at March 14, 2006 01:46 PM

Strange; I had just finished reading The Cathcer in the Rye. Now one of the great American classics will be indelibly linked to a nude Dick Cheney in my mind. Thanks a ton.

Posted by: Gavin at March 14, 2006 02:36 PM

oh my lord. what a fabulous way to respond to all those CRAZIES searching the internet. i still don't understand the 10-times-a-day hit i get for "patricia heaton's boobs". good god. people are demented. ;)

Posted by: Sarcomical at March 14, 2006 02:43 PM

I am so tempted to search for Harry Potter cartoon porn. However I think that a horrible screen that would pop up if i searched for it at work.

I really need to remember to not drink coffee while reading your posts.

Posted by: Melissa at March 14, 2006 03:08 PM

Uh...yeah...I'd like to know why someone searching for "Dick Cheney nude pix" was directed to your blog. Is there some hidden area on here that I'm not aware of? (laughing)
Also, I loved "It was an instrumental, jackass" and I'm so with you on Louis Anderson: he's even more annoying than the admonitions to floss.

Posted by: Kristina at March 14, 2006 03:50 PM

I laughed at every one of these. How do you find your search strings? I'd be interested to see what brings searches people are using that lead them to my site...after all the title could lead to some interesting folks.

Posted by: Krush at March 14, 2006 05:19 PM

I literally laughed out loud at Penis cat! And the Louie Anderson/you go now... well, the person needed to search for John Pinnette, because, well, that's part of his routine. But I guess all overweight white guys look the same. Heh.

And, eeewwwww on Ranch dressing cow urine. Just wrong.

Penis cat!

Posted by: ironic1 at March 14, 2006 06:10 PM

dick cheney nude pix? ewwwwwww, GAWD!!!

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at March 14, 2006 08:00 PM


Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at March 14, 2006 08:11 PM

How do you look at search strngs? Because I really want to know if my readers (few though they may be) are as weird as yours!

Oh, and naked Dick Cheney pics? Guilty. He's pretty fly for a white guy. (I have to go now, I just threw up in my mouth a little when I typed that)

Posted by: Contary at March 14, 2006 08:40 PM

I can't stop laughing!!!!!!! Thanks Chris.. Your search strings are always a riot!! Strange people!!

Posted by: Tammy at March 16, 2006 11:56 AM