April 06, 2006

Rude Cactus, Man of Science

I, quite honestly, underestimated the mass-appeal of Slurpees (except for a few of you and it sounds like you have very valid reasons to hate such a frosty treat). Perhaps I shall formalize the Slurpee Consumption Rules and post them sometime in the future. You'll be happy to know, however, that I'm not just making these things up off the top of my head, all willy-nilly. It's not mere conjecture. No, I have science on my side. Like Gil Grissom, I follow the evidence.

Allow me to introduce the Slurpee High-Intensity Testing (S.H.I.T.) XG2800 Unit. But, um, don't spread this around. This is top secret, confidential, hush-hush stuff, okay? I S.H.I.T. you not.

Now, I obviously can't go into great detail about the mechanics of the device beyond what you see here. Nor can I describe the testing process in-depth. I am happy, however, to share the artificially-flavored fruits of our labor. You'll notice that, as time passes, the temperature of the beverage decreases, thus the overall slushiness or Meltiness Quotient, increases. Conversely, as time passes and the temperature rises, the physical effects subside. Thusly, the Brain Freeziness Index decreases. Our scientific research tells us, therefore, that between 15 to 20 minutes post-purchase is the ideal time for maximum taste and minimum physical harm - the perfect Slurpee storm, if you will. However, we're well aware of the fact that a Slurpee may indeed taste better and provide a greater level of refreshment before this time. So proceed with caution. It is, of course, highly probable that we don't yet have a handle on such a robust testing tool. Perhaps we just don't know S.H.I.T. As always, I encourage you to use caution and common sense when embarking on any Slurpee adventure. Meanwhile we'll continue to bring you the cutting edge research you've come to expect from the Rude Cactus Labs as we get our S.H.I.T. together.

Posted by Chris at April 6, 2006 07:27 AM

A walrus AND a flux capacitor? Wow. That's some high tech stuff. :)

Posted by: Alissa at April 6, 2006 07:56 AM

I think I now have a clearer idea of what the hell you do for a living-- nobody can make charts and graphs like this without skill and practice.

My favorite part was the Doohickey IV: Doohickey vs. Mothra. That was a nice touch.

Posted by: jen at April 6, 2006 07:58 AM


Posted by: Lauren at April 6, 2006 08:03 AM

Atari 2600 is a perfect piece of equipment for testing and I loved Doohickey vs. Mothra.

Posted by: Bill at April 6, 2006 08:26 AM

Wow. I was skeptical at first, but I then I saw the flux capacitor and well, I'm sold.

Posted by: Fraulein N at April 6, 2006 08:54 AM

Incredibly funny!! And now I can honestly say, "Rude, I think you are positively full of S.H.I.T.!"


Posted by: Kristen at April 6, 2006 08:59 AM

dear fucking god that was far too brilliant for a thursday morning.

Posted by: suze at April 6, 2006 09:02 AM

HEE. I love it.

Posted by: Dawn at April 6, 2006 09:08 AM

FTLOG now I have to STUDY for the quiz! Sheeesh.

Posted by: Wicked H at April 6, 2006 09:14 AM

Wow. What can I say. You really should be working for NASA.

Posted by: Michelle at April 6, 2006 09:19 AM

Um, Chris? I think you may have too much time on your hands. It's hillarious, but still. Too much free time.

Posted by: Jessie at April 6, 2006 09:33 AM

Contrarily, I think you need more time to better explore and improve upon your s.h.i.t. I don't see where Al Sharpton is involved, so it must be missing something. I do have to admit that the Jackson Inverter sounds like something I tried one time in college. Well done.

(I love slurpees. At the same college my friend and I used to walk a mile and back EVERY nite at midnite just for the slurpees. okay, and then some times spike them. big deal.... Ecto cooler slurpee + Tequila + half an old, flat, mike's hard lemonade = no classes tomorrow!)

Posted by: andy at April 6, 2006 10:06 AM

Doohickey vs. Mothra -- I love it. But I think the sheep goes with the Atari 2600, not the walrus.

Posted by: bad penguin at April 6, 2006 10:15 AM

Lovely and of course cutting edge. Have you ever heard of Rube Goldberg?

Posted by: ann adams at April 6, 2006 10:25 AM

That's just beautiful, man.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at April 6, 2006 10:33 AM

Please tell me that no actually slurpees were harmed during this study. I notice from Graph B, that you measured the "Meltiness Quotient", please ensure us that no slurpees were allowed to expire to this point. That would just be wrong...

Posted by: Karen at April 6, 2006 10:47 AM

So that's why the water's that funky blue color at water world.

Posted by: freezio at April 6, 2006 10:49 AM

Tough to argue with hard science like that.

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at April 6, 2006 10:56 AM

Ow. Too. Early. Head. Hurts. Must. Not. Think.

Posted by: oakley at April 6, 2006 11:04 AM

You are just WAY to bored.

Posted by: Sabrina at April 6, 2006 11:14 AM

Thank GOD slurpee season is on its way. My co-workers and I have a tradition of scrounging up change about once a week during the summer and voyaging over to our neighborhood 7-11 for some mid-afternoon frozen refreshment....mmmm.

Posted by: Liz at April 6, 2006 11:24 AM

Seriously, I am demanding that you make a chart showing us how you find so much time when you have a baby at home who is cutting six teeth!

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at April 6, 2006 11:39 AM

How on EARTH did you find the Thingymabooble?? I've been looking for one for years!!!

Ah well, its probably for the best that it is being used for such noble purposes!

Posted by: don at April 6, 2006 11:44 AM

*snicker* SO *snicker* FUNNY *snicker*

The CHART. OH my gosh, the CHART!

Posted by: Noelle at April 6, 2006 12:09 PM

Excuse me, is that a Slurpee stain on your chart, or am I just seeing things? If you spilled the blue Slurpee, I am definitely calling SPS. Slurpee Protection Services, duh.

I was ready to be impressed with your chart and graph, but I then spotted your subtle attempt to poison my mind with American Idol references and I had to throw the whole thing out as "junk science". Too bad. It's the best research I've seen all year otherwise! Who funds your research anyway? Is this our taxpayer dollars hard at work again?

Posted by: Ms. Q at April 6, 2006 12:20 PM

Hu-what??? It's all so...technical. I had no idea that Slurpees were so complicated. Clearly I've failed in the past to fully appreciate the depth and complexity of this icy treat. I'm shamed to the core.

Posted by: wordgirl at April 6, 2006 12:39 PM

you are a freakin' GENIUS!

Posted by: jodi at April 6, 2006 01:11 PM

You didn't disapoint me on this one. I'm glad to know that you know this S.H.I.T. It's very important stuff. And now I can totally picture you as a Grissom wanna-be. HAHAHAHA.

Posted by: Melissa at April 6, 2006 01:14 PM

In honor of not knowing S.H.I.T., I would like to propose that Professor Cactus name a Slurpee after said S.H.I.T.

Posted by: Michelle at April 6, 2006 01:52 PM

And it should be S.H.I.T. brown.

Posted by: Michelle at April 6, 2006 01:53 PM

This is so much better than the Flying Spaghetti Monster. :)

Posted by: Laura at April 6, 2006 02:18 PM

I don't know what a flux cap. If the Slurpee Testing Unit Plans have one - it MUST be legit!

Posted by: Emily at April 6, 2006 05:08 PM

Dude, how the hell do you have time for all this stuff. And is that the actual flowchart symbol for thingymabooble? I've been using the wrong one all this time...

Very funny

Posted by: CroutonBoy at April 6, 2006 05:36 PM

That is all frightfully complex. And now I *really* want a Slurpee.

Posted by: Heather at April 6, 2006 05:41 PM

wow, thats very clever, crazy, but clever.

Posted by: Elena at April 6, 2006 09:53 PM

Seriously. How in the world do you come up with this S.H.I.T.?! VERY funny, sir. Good day to you.

Posted by: Kristina at April 6, 2006 10:50 PM

Oh MY GOD. I've been reading your site for a long time. If I would have just come to it recently, I would SWEAR this entry is the work of my husband!

Posted by: Lisa B at April 6, 2006 11:57 PM

And by the way... Very funny. Loved it.

Posted by: Lisa B at April 6, 2006 11:57 PM

May the gods of all that is holy and icy smile upon you, you Einsteinian freak!
BTW, did you know that one who continues to suck on a straw after the Slurpee (or any other of a gazillion beverages)is gone and makes that disgusting tthhhwwwhhhkkk sound is referred to as a "glick"??? Did'ja, huh, huh, huh?

Posted by: at April 7, 2006 10:53 AM

That was me. Jeezus, I'm having a horrendous week...

Posted by: JuJu's Mom at April 7, 2006 10:55 AM

LMAO. Flux Capacitor. I once told my mechanic that was broken when I brought my car in. He didn't get it.

Posted by: Nicole at April 7, 2006 01:01 PM

you need a vacation man

Posted by: cathy at April 7, 2006 04:46 PM