May 11, 2006

Bringing The Silly

And now, since the old neurons aren't firing so well this morning, on to the absurd.

I'm just taken a trip into my spam box (which sounds ditry but is actually the place all the incoming spam ends up). I love the senders' names. Take, for instance, Mr. Tart, Calisto Breese, America Casillas, Shelagh Bloyd, Savanah Daily, Unfairer H. Revenges, Osip Tremblay, Discommoded V. Ingestion, Modifiers D. Analyzers, Probable V. Kiddy, Chevron O. Scheme, Braided J. Predicament, Harmoniousness B. Lorgnette, Fornicating Q. Predecessors and my favorite, Parachutes R. Boycotted

Last night, we gave Mia a bath. This is great fun for all three of us, especially in light of what happened last time. Mia has this little fish that fills up with water. When you squeeze it, water shoots out the mouth. I squeezed the empty fish underwater.
Me: Oooh, fishy fart, fishy fart.
Beth: And daddy thinks farts are always funny.
Me: Yes he does. But not water farts.
Beth: Water farts? Why not?
Me: Farts in or around water smell ten times worse than dry farts.
Beth: What? Are you serious?
Me: You mean, you didnt' know that? I thought everyone knew that.

The following communication was believed to have originated with a rather odd home shopping channel viewer and was intercepted during transmission.
Dear [home shopping company],

I am watching the Breezies Intimates Collection and (although slightly dismayed as I expected to see inmates with whom I could correspond) I am loving what I'm seeing. I'm a chesty gal who's always in search of the perfect brassiere (and a nice, chisled inmate doing some time for non-violent offences). When I saw the Breezies Seamless Full Support Underwire Bra with UltimAir, my heart almost leapt from my heavily bosomed chest. What a perfect, novel solution packaged in the wonderful form of lacy underthings! I've found, however, that I'm unable to fully visualize the product on the mannequins your hosts relied upon. Therefore, I wholeheartedly suggest the use of live models, preferably in simulated, erotic situations. Perhaps there is a local coeducational correctional facility from which you may gather volunteers? Regardless, I do believe sales will be enhanced given such demonstrations, not to mention the partial nudity which, let's face it, always draws a crowd.

Thank you for your fine programming and even greater products.

Yours in Christ,
Ima Packinwood

Hello Ms. Packinwood,
Thank you for contacting [home shopping company].

I have forwarded your suggestion to the appropriate department. At [home shopping company], customer satisfaction is our top priority, and we always appreciate comments and ideas from our valued customers.

Thank you for contacting [home shopping company].

Kind Regards,

Dear Ms. Packinwood,

Thank you for contacting [home shopping company]. We always value feedback and suggestions from our home shopping audience. As you may expect, we're unable to implement every shopper's suggestions regardless of how hard we try. Your suggestion was interesting and I'll ensure it's addressed when planning similar presentations in the future. In the mean time, please accept an online coupon for use with you next shopping experience at [home shopping company].

Roger [Last Name]


Thank you for your reply and the coupon. You "sound" like a big, strong, strapping customer service representative. How do you look in frilly intimates?

Yours in Christ,
Ima Packinwood (Are You?)

Posted by Chris at May 11, 2006 07:55 AM

That was hilarious, just what I needed this morning.....especially as I am a home shopping network fan as well! :)

Posted by: Dana at May 11, 2006 07:57 AM

Re the water thing? Amber found out the hard way one day when I was in the bath. I am proud to report, she actually threw up (in the toilet).

Posted by: doobyus at May 11, 2006 08:11 AM

oh, Len? Just totally ruined my breakfast.

but also
Calisto Breese And you know comment spams me the most? BOB. He almost slipped through the crack but I got him....oooh I got him alright

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at May 11, 2006 08:12 AM

Water Farts smelll the WORST. I stopped shower with my husband for that very terrible reason. TMI? oh yeah.

Posted by: Autumn at May 11, 2006 08:14 AM

Thanks for the morning laugh! I too am intrigued by the names spammers use, as well as the subject lines of the emails they send. My favorite to date is "Just like Prescription Ciali$". I don't know if I would ever take something described as "Just like prescription" anything. Nice try though.

Posted by: Jessie at May 11, 2006 08:15 AM

Oh, I so needed a good giggle this morning as the publisher who likes to rework people's quotes will be here today. Ugh.

Posted by: Traci at May 11, 2006 08:43 AM

Snort out loud funny!

Posted by: Wicked H at May 11, 2006 09:25 AM

Most of mine appear in foreign languages (and alphabets as well).

Posted by: ann adams at May 11, 2006 09:40 AM

I think I know your alter-ego (initials I.P.) and I think you need to stop pestering these poor people.

I can't believe you are even discussing the four letter word that starts with f and/or the smell. How will you retain the romance in your relationship with such conversations????

P.S. I've convinced my sons that girls don't suffer from flatulence. Ever. It was working too until some dumb girl in 2nd grade let one rip! My middle son was shocked!

Posted by: DebbieDoesLife at May 11, 2006 10:42 AM

I never understood why they even bother to send these out. Do people actually open mail from Discommoded V. Ingestio, and if do they trust that he will be the guy who get them the BEST C()E ap VI^GR^ or help me en 1arge my PENUS?

Posted by: CroutonBoy at May 11, 2006 10:44 AM

LOL - well for no neurons firing yet those were pretty funny. Thanks for the laughs :)

Posted by: Jules at May 11, 2006 11:33 AM

hahahahaha. DUDE! It's so true, water farts smell so much worse. And don't act like you don't like the smell. You so do.

Posted by: statia at May 11, 2006 11:50 AM

"Ima Packinwood" ROFL. I wonder if Hoop would change his name?

Ugh, but then I'd be "Tink Packinwood" if we ever got married. Nevermind....

Great post!

Posted by: Tink at May 11, 2006 11:53 AM

Well your title didn't lie. That was all very silly and a wonderful way to start my first day of BEING DONE WITH STUDENT TEACHING FOREVER! :) Thanks for the smile.

Posted by: Kate at May 11, 2006 12:43 PM

You're silly.

Posted by: JuJu's Mom Linda at May 11, 2006 01:05 PM

I'm inspired to check my Spam box.

Posted by: wordgirl at May 11, 2006 01:22 PM

Chris Cactus. The Lazlo Toth of the blogosphere. Very, very funny.

Posted by: kara at May 11, 2006 01:27 PM

Re: water farts ... I think in the shower or bath, it's the steam factor.
Did I just say that? lol. Oh dear. Right now I'm dreading that you reply to your comments. ;-)

Posted by: Heather at May 11, 2006 02:23 PM

am i the only one who strangely feels like "lost" is slowly infiltrating itself into our daily, it's actually becoming reality?!

Posted by: RzDrms at May 11, 2006 02:37 PM

That was sooo funny. Just what I needed on a bleary day.

Posted by: Karen at May 11, 2006 04:40 PM

That was hysterical. Loved it.

Posted by: Lisa B at May 11, 2006 05:27 PM

That was hysterical. Loved it.

Posted by: Lisa B at May 11, 2006 05:27 PM

Chris, you so crazy.

And yes, "spam box" DOES sound dirty. Heh, spam box.

Posted by: Fraulein N at May 11, 2006 06:28 PM

Geez, the only spam I get are mortgage offers. I feel like I'm missing out!

Posted by: Jess R at May 11, 2006 11:54 PM

"Ima Packinwood (Are You?)"

Needed cheering up. Knew you wouldn't disappoint me.

Cheers. :-)

Posted by: Alice at May 12, 2006 06:51 AM

Oh, tub farts are always so much stinkier. Although generally more hilarious sounding.

Posted by: erika at May 12, 2006 11:21 AM

You are hilarious :)

Posted by: Ava at May 12, 2006 11:38 AM

Love the spammers you get mail from. BUT...I have one better (unless he mailed you, too):

Have you ever gotten an email from Jokey Smurf???

Posted by: Miss W at May 12, 2006 12:53 PM