May 09, 2006

The Early Show

I'm compulsively early. I must be on time. Actually, I take that back...I must be early. When I am not, I begin to tremble and my language becomes utterly foul. A couple weeks ago, I had to travel the same route I had to take this morning. I was carrying stuff for an insanely important meeting. I couldn't be late. I left two hours ahead of time. To go 12 miles. Traffic was a nightmare. I recall referring to the guy next to me who was snacking on his breakfast while refusing to let me merge as a breakfast-eating fucktard dick-nostril with a mother-fucking shit-kicking car not worthy of wiping my ass on. I was not a happy cactus. I made it with five minutes to spare.

That's why I left butt-early this morning, apparently too butt-early. Learning from past experiences (as one is so frequently encouraged to do in life), I allowed myself a little over two hours travel time. And I was over an hour and a half early. At least I wasn't late. And I got some work done. Thanks, Starbucks.

(Side note: I don't know either the origin or precise meaning of "butt-early" but it sounded right at the time.)

Posted by Chris at May 9, 2006 08:16 PM
Comments

I am a butt-early commenter! I'm actually first! I think this is a first for me.

I wish I had the early gene. No matter what I do, I cannot be early for anything. I am sometimes on-time but, sadly I am usually a few minutes late. Just a few. Or five.

Anyway, I know that makes me a horrible person.

Posted by: Ms. Q at May 9, 2006 08:25 PM

Sometimes you just can't judge traffic.

butt-early works...we get it.

Posted by: Jason at May 9, 2006 08:26 PM

um. OCD comes to mind.

Scary, is another.

Posted by: Michele at May 9, 2006 08:28 PM

I'm in NYC this week, flying out of LaGuardia. I leave for the airport 3.5 - 4 hours ahead of time JUST IN CASE. You never know what's going to greet you on the way, Chris--I'm so with you!

Posted by: kristen at May 9, 2006 08:29 PM

I think it's kind of like butt-ugly. Like an ultimate degree of. In a negative sense. (ie. I think I was butt-tired the other day.) Let's use it for the new superlative.

Posted by: JuJu's Mom Linda at May 9, 2006 08:31 PM

I have an idea, but what, specifically, do you do (for work) Chris?

Those meetings sound brutal!!

Posted by: Starfruit at May 9, 2006 08:31 PM

I'm the exact same way. My husband is okay with being on time, so I think I may be adjusting a little. Now instead of 1/2 hour early, I can be 10 minutes early without hyperventilating.

His dad is always late. Anytime I have to go somewhere with him, I end up freaking out. People think it's a great trait because you're not late for anything, but really it's just a great way to get an ulcer.

Posted by: Leah at May 9, 2006 08:46 PM

I'm like that, I have to be early. My friends get annoyed with me, because I'll be there sometimes too early.

If I leave at 7:40 I can get to school in five minutes, if I leave at 7:30 it takes me twenty mintues, it is the weirdest thing ever.

Posted by: ash at May 9, 2006 08:49 PM

Me too. I tremble and panic and it's bad. BAD. My husband? Pepetually late. He may give me a heart attack.

Posted by: Autumn at May 9, 2006 08:59 PM

I try for early but something always happens. It's one of the few times I exhibit impatience (sure) with my little darlings.

Posted by: ann adams at May 9, 2006 09:01 PM

I try for early but something always happens. It's one of the few times I exhibit impatience (sure) with my little darlings.

Posted by: ann adams at May 9, 2006 09:01 PM

Me? Love to be early, but I ALWAYS underestimate the time I need to get there, and I usually cut it close. On the other hand, the boyfriend is always late. And by late, I don't mean a minute or two like me, but rather an hour or two. In fact, he called little while ago and told me he'd be home in 45 minutes. That was, um, almost two hours ago.

Posted by: Jen at May 9, 2006 09:23 PM

Early to butt, early to rise. I believe Ben Franklin said it.

Posted by: Contrary at May 9, 2006 09:52 PM

Your post bring backs horrid memories of trying to get to Bethesda only to get trapped in a cluster fuck by the Pentagon. Traffic was one of the major reasons we moved from Arlington. I know your pain and you have my sympathy.

Posted by: rwhgeek at May 9, 2006 10:14 PM

When I sent my address (for the fabulous prize I get for discerning fact from fantasy in your life) my virus system says that, in fact, it didn't send it.
So...did you get it?

Posted by: wordgirl at May 9, 2006 10:31 PM

Is butt early before or after the 'a$$-crack of dawn'?

Posted by: kellie at May 9, 2006 10:42 PM

YES! I was hoping someone (kellie) would bring that up.

And, I notice you (rude cactus) dangled a little participle there ... tchik tchik tchik ...

Posted by: s@bd at May 9, 2006 11:38 PM

I am so borrowing fucktard from you. Just gotta use it. Must find someone to use it on immediately!! Oh, I know, I've got court in the morning and my adversary is pretty much the dictionary definition of fucktard. Sweet!! I'll let you know how it goes...lol.

Posted by: Jill at May 9, 2006 11:53 PM

Sounds like my daily commute. You can NEVER, EVER predict the traffic. Some days I could actually take a nap in traffic, it's so slow. And other days I fly to work like it's a Sunday morning or something.

...and it's not really a Sunday morning, cause I could never love a job enough to turn up on a weekend!

Posted by: Vicky at May 10, 2006 12:01 AM

Hearing language like that makes me wonder if you're not some long lost relative of mine lol.

Posted by: dragonlady474 at May 10, 2006 12:12 AM

Did I hear you say Starbucks?! ;)

Posted by: VirgoJen at May 10, 2006 12:34 AM

I am the same same way!!!

I too must be early...to everything. Classes? Meetings? Lunch dates? Movies? You get the picture....

And when I feel I am running late? The cussing sailor comes out in me. :D

Posted by: Amy at May 10, 2006 12:48 AM

That is CRAZY that you need almost 2 hours to drive 12 miles! Where I live? Ain't lookin' so bad now. :-)

Posted by: Lisa B at May 10, 2006 12:51 AM

Oh, lordy. If we ever meet in real life (what's that again?), don't hate me when I'm late. I try to be on time, I really do. It just never happens.

Posted by: candace at May 10, 2006 01:07 AM

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! You said, "fucktard". I'm a late person...late late late. So when I drive I sound a lot like "Angry Chris". Sorry but I LOVE Angry Chris...he swears. heh heh.

Posted by: Kate at May 10, 2006 01:28 AM

You have no idea how much I love you Mr. Rude, but please for the love of god, Walk! When it's only 12 miles. Jeezus. Please.

Posted by: bhd at May 10, 2006 02:43 AM

2 hours travel time... wow! Traffic sucks. I think we all should be payed to be in traffic. But I shouldn't complain, I'm a 15 minute ride away from my job.

Posted by: Sweety at May 10, 2006 02:51 AM

I thought I was the only one. If I'm only five or ten minutes early I actually feel late. And I tend to over do it once in a while too -okay almost always, but... At least I'm never late.

I spend much of my time cursing people who insist upon driving under the speed limit so they can consumer their breakfast, smoke a cigarette or chat with buddies on the cell phone as they meander down the road.

Posted by: HR Mommy at May 10, 2006 07:03 AM

I thought I was the only one. If I'm only five or ten minutes early I actually feel late. And I tend to over do it once in a while too -okay almost always, but... At least I'm never late.

I spend much of my time cursing people who insist upon driving under the speed limit so they can consume their breakfast, smoke a cigarette or chat with buddies on the cell phone as they meander down the road.

Posted by: HR Mommy at May 10, 2006 07:03 AM

I am Queen of the Butt-Early. I have a crippling fear of being late for anything. In this region, though, I think that fear is justifiable re: the traffic. A sparrow fart can tie up the Beltway for HOURS.

Posted by: Boutros at May 10, 2006 08:05 AM

I gotta leave early too...Because if I don't get my bagel and coffee in the morning from Yum Yums I'm a total bitch for the rest of the day. But then again, my job entails cursing like a sailor due to the stress!!

Posted by: Michelle at May 10, 2006 08:16 AM

I know someone who says "butt-hurt," so I've come to the conclusion that you can use "butt" as a modifier on anything.

2 hours to go 12 miles? Sheesh. I think I'd get a monster truck for the commute (if you could afford the gas, that is).

Posted by: Ginny at May 10, 2006 08:26 AM

I am often butt-early for stuff as well, because I have anxiety attacks at the idea of being late. I try to plan for every contingency, including the possiblility of having to change routes because of an accident, the possibility of my getting lost if I go to an unfamiliar location, and the liklihood of my missing a turn and having to detour because either (a) someone didn't let me into traffic at the right moment to make my turn or (b)I hadn't had sufficient coffee to notice that I had not gotten into the correct lane at the correct time.

Posted by: MamaKaren at May 10, 2006 08:56 AM

I just sent you an e-mail and it bounced back. E-mail me your phone number and I'll just rattle it off to you.

Posted by: wordgirl at May 10, 2006 09:05 AM

I begin to tremble and my language becomes utterly foul As opposed to what? AHAHAHAHAAA!!!! *skips off*

Posted by: Lauren at May 10, 2006 10:39 AM

Heh heh....butt-early. I like it. My husband and I woke up at 5 am every morning one year to go to the gym before work. We had a special song we'd sing to make it more tolerable. Ohhhh it's ass, ass, ass, ass, early in the morning. Oh it's ass, ass, ass, ass early in the day. It went in rounds and could be never ending if you wanted. We still sing it on those rare occasions that Kyra wakes up for good at 4 AM.

Posted by: kim at May 10, 2006 10:57 AM

I say things like "butt-ass cold" so don't feel bad :D I, too, am compulsively early. I hate being late.

Posted by: Rhonda at May 10, 2006 12:06 PM

i HATE to be late. hate it hate it hate.
so, i always end up finding myself compulsively freakin' early for everything...i think that's how Starbucks and I became friends....

Posted by: ali at May 10, 2006 02:34 PM

I have to be early... I am always early... because I am NEVER "on time" and if I try to be "on time" rather then early... I end up... ALWAYS... being late, lol... Therefore I am always early, lol.

Posted by: Tammy at May 10, 2006 02:51 PM

Starbucks encourages me to be early! It is my reward for getting up at teh a$$-crack of dawn!

Posted by: Steff at May 11, 2006 05:32 PM

Starbucks encourages me to be early! It is my reward for getting up at the a$$-crack of dawn!

Posted by: Steff at May 11, 2006 05:32 PM