May 23, 2006

So Random It's Painful

Some evenings, I try and get a head start on the next day's post. I have an idea so I write it down. Maybe I write around it a little bit. I need all the help I can get because, frankly, I usually get up and get in early. Last night? I worked. Yes, I had work to do so once Mia went to bed, I was doing that work thing until 9:30 or so. This is the price you pay for a week off. So, of course, I didn't have time to brainstorm. Consequently, this morning? I've got nothing. I mean, my head is actually empty. I'm afraid you're just going to have to put up with my random Tuesday morning thoughts. And a meme.

First, for those of you who really dug the hickey look, I'm happy to report that it's still enjoying the good life on my forehead.

I know. Hot, right? I wore good ass pants (yeah, guys have them too, okay?) to distract people from my head. I'm not sure how successful that will be since I spend the majority of the day sitting on said ass. But it's worth a shot, right?

Some time ago, I was tagged by the insanely hilarious Tink (you should totally go visit her because she's funny as all hell). Lest she think I'm an incredibly unresponsive asshole (albeit one with a fashionable dot on his forehead and great ass pants), here's the meme money shot.
I AM a father, a husband, a flaming liberal, wannabe rockstar, music junkie, voracious reader and freak magnet.
I WANT to buy the world a Coke.
I WISH I was independently wealthy so I could spend more time at home with my kid while simultaneously avoiding all the things that accompany sudden wealth and fame, like a bad coke habit and conversion to Scientology.
I MISS Callie and Pixel, now residing in kitty heaven.
I HEAR voices...telling me to do subscribe to magazines from Publisher's Clearinghouse. Go away! Go away, Ed McMahon and Dick Clark!
I WONDER what would happen if animals could really start talking. I bet the penguins would talk our ears off.
I REGRET not getting the full three gallon bucket of coffee instead of the measly one-gallon bucket I picked up this morning.
I AM NOT Aretha Franklin disguised as a little white man.
I DANCE in my kitchen and frequently injur myself doing so.
I AM NOT ALWAYS sane. This shouldn't be a shock.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS rude gestures with startling frequency. Eat your heart out Justice Scalia.
I WRITE in several different styles of handwriting depending on my mood. I'm sure this a trait frequently displayed by serial killers...or people who hear voices that sound like Ed McMahon or Dick Clark.
I CONFUSE right and left. I'm 33 years old yet I still fuck that up.
I NEED an exact clone of myself to be a stand-in for me at work while I nap under my desk.
I SHOULD really get on that clone thing because that would be killer. Unless, of course, my wife liked my clone better. That would just suck. I'd be sad.
I START laughing and can't stop.
I FINISH laughing and feel like I'm going to hurl. But I don't. Funny shouldn't end with vomiting. Sucks the funny right out of whatever it was you were laughing about.
I TAG anyone who needs an excuse for content or frequently hears the voices of Ed McMahon and Dick Clark.

One more thing. To avoid future trainwrecks such as this fine post, help me help you. What would you like to see here? What questions haven't I answered? What portions of my life haven't I provided you a glimpse of? Consider this your virtual suggestion box.

Posted by Chris at May 23, 2006 07:39 AM

Limericks. This site needs more limericks.

And cowbell.

Posted by: Nicole at May 23, 2006 07:45 AM

So we've done the book list, the song list how about the movie list? Top ten, top hundred whatever. How about favorite actors? Least? What magazines can you not live without? Do you save issues of them? Have you found youselves on a horrifying list of parenting mags since Mia was born? Do you and Beth make fun of the various articles that tell you how to have the perfect baby? Is my mind all over the place? Too many questions? Can she ever stop..?

Posted by: Nic at May 23, 2006 07:46 AM

Speaking of random thoughts...

Did you know that when I laugh really hard (like at Hickeywatch2006 Day 2) that I snort through my nose?

Did you know that I read your blog every morning at work while I eat my breakfast?

Did you know that if you have enough oatmeal snorted up your nose while you laugh it will make such an annoyingly loud snotty sound that it will cause your co-workers to question the amount of work you are doing?
At least the Instant Maple & Brown sugar variety...I couldn' swear by any others.

Posted by: fauve at May 23, 2006 07:47 AM

Hey--I want to see a pic of the good ass pants. :) The hickey on your head is good, but the good ass pants would be a much better way to start my day.

Posted by: Alissa at May 23, 2006 07:48 AM

i also confuse left and right. frequently. so much so that I'm forced to do that trick that they taught you in like grade 2, where you hold our your hands to find which one makes the "L" and that stands for "left". yep. they didn't tell us that it really stands for "loser". that was good of them...

Posted by: suze at May 23, 2006 07:48 AM

When I look at the forehead hickey, I get this vision of those little plastic guns that shoot the darts with the round rubber thingy on the end? You know the kind with the rubber thing that you normally use to stick things to windows? It so looks like you got ploinked with one of those.
I have to stop and think, ok I write with THIS hand, so it must be my right!

Posted by: wlfldy at May 23, 2006 07:55 AM

The Rude Cactus News Network shot is money. Seriously - one of your better ideas. And so, so funny...

I wonder if people at work are curious about it. If I worked with you, I'd ask you if someone hit you in the head with a Nerf dart. That's sorta what it looks like...

Posted by: Emily at May 23, 2006 08:10 AM

Explanation for painful randomnimity: Suctioning of brain cells. Way cheaper and less obvious than a lobotomy. No scarring is a real selling point...

Posted by: JuJu's Mom Linda at May 23, 2006 08:13 AM

I don't know if you've ever covered it (it's quite possible that you have) but most embarrassing childhood/adolescent moment is always a good post - especially since lots of people can usually relate and so that makes you feel better about yourself. It's very cathartic I promise.

Posted by: Jessie at May 23, 2006 08:44 AM

Heh, meme money shot. Hey, that mark on your forehead kinda looks like a ... never mind. I'll be good.

LOVE the RCNN banner, though. Pure friggin' genius.

Posted by: Fraulein N at May 23, 2006 09:00 AM

You could always do an audio post of Mia playing guitar . . .

Posted by: Betti at May 23, 2006 09:01 AM

Boring and lame question..but where did you go to college?

Posted by: Ginny at May 23, 2006 09:05 AM

Or continue writing about nothing at all as I do.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who fills up a space with a meme. Or a recipe. Or even jokes and bad puns.

Posted by: ann adams at May 23, 2006 09:07 AM

What I most like about HickeyWatch2006 is that it gives us hope that there could possibly be a HickeyWatch2007. Of course, HickeyWatch2023 probably won't be as much fun for you but I bet it's good blog fodder. hee. :D

Posted by: pea at May 23, 2006 09:18 AM

I'm pretty sure I remember you saying that you're vegetarian. How about posting a yummy veggie recipe that us meat eatters might use instead, like a lasagna or shepard's pie dish? I really can't think of anything interesting this morning....But I do like vegetables, so knowing different ways to use them in recipes is always cool :) That or you can tell us more about your adventures with the baby backpack...

Posted by: Michelle at May 23, 2006 09:18 AM

I want a picture of you in the ass pants.

Posted by: Queen of Ass at May 23, 2006 09:19 AM

Are good ass pants preferable to bad ass pants? :)
I'm curious to know what kind of comments you've been recieving about your hickey.

I guess I'll have to do the meme because I frequently hear Ed McMahon talking to me...He taunts me because I didn't enter the publishers clearing house sweepstakes.

Posted by: MrsJoseGoldbloom at May 23, 2006 09:21 AM

thought you might be able to find a few words to say about this article:

Posted by: Judy at May 23, 2006 09:25 AM

The dinner party idea was a good one. What about neighbors? If you could choose your neighbors from an array of famous or dead...who would they be. I ask this because an evening with someone is TOTALLY different than living next door to someone and dealing with issues like trees and common fences and dogs that crap in your yard.

Posted by: wordgirl at May 23, 2006 09:31 AM

Rude Cactus News Network is my new favorite and sole source of all the news that's fit to print. Because if I read it online, it must be true. Right??
Topics?? I'm still curious about what comments the forehead hickey has generated at work and what fun you've had explaining it. "You think this is bad?? You should see the other guy!" ;)

Posted by: Traci at May 23, 2006 09:31 AM

We definately need a good ass pants picture.

Hickey on the head. Freaking hilarious! I wonder how long it will take to go away? I remember getting hickeys when i was younger and those damn things would take forever to go away.

Posted by: Pinky at May 23, 2006 09:34 AM

HickeyWatch2006 with the RCNN banner - genius.

Virtual Suggestion: What first brought me to your blog was that your wife's name was the same as mine, but the reason I've stuck around for this long is your political commentary. Since we are both flaming liberals and I agree with you on pretty much everything going on in this crazy world, I would vote that you write more about politics and the like.

But don't get me wrong - I enjoy all of your writing and I insist you keep writing about your everyday life with Beth and Mia. We've all gotten to know you so much better that way. And by all means, keep the pictures of that beautiful baby coming!

Posted by: Beth in StL at May 23, 2006 09:36 AM

god, the hickey is as funny today as it was yesterday. Outstanding!

Okay, I have always wanted to know what you do with all the books you read. Since you review books, do you review all the books you read, and do you plan on reading your reviews years later? HOw many reviews do you have, and how long have you been reviewing books you have read? Do you re-read some books?

What was your major in college, and why did you chose that major.

Is Chris your real name?

Okay, I am done, thanks for the opportunity to ask questions.

Posted by: linda at May 23, 2006 09:40 AM

Well, I'd have to say that just seeing the Hickeywatch 2006 photo has already made my day complete, but I second the motion for the picture of the ass pants!

You are just too, toooooo hilarious, Chris!! :)

Posted by: Niki at May 23, 2006 09:47 AM

P.S. Remember how they used to say that you could put a spoon in the freezer, then rub it on the hickey to make it go away? I totally remember trying that as a teenager, although I don't recall whether it worked, or just made my neck cold and red... ;)

Posted by: Niki at May 23, 2006 09:50 AM

Wow... HickeyWatch 2006. Outstanding.

Questions... I'm sure that living in NoVA, you've read the Post. Do you *heart* Gene? He is hysterical, and I almost laugh as hard at his stuff as I do yours.

If you had to describe in 10 words or less, the biggest change you have seen since being a dad, what would it be?

Ok, boring questions, but I didn't just want to ask for the ass pants picture with out asking a couple real questions... I think you should dedicate tomorrows post to the ass pants. You know, that has a nice ring, ass pants, ass pants...

Posted by: Karen at May 23, 2006 09:52 AM

LOL! Tim does hickey's too, but not ones that stay and camp out on your forehead :)

Posted by: Sweety at May 23, 2006 09:58 AM

I'm only 27, but imagine if I haven't learned my left from my right by now, I'm pretty sure I'll be in the same boat as you in 6 years. When I was in high school, my friends and I would all ride around town all night. We took turns driving. The passenger seat person would navigate. My friends bought me mailbox letters R and L and velcro-ed them on my steering wheel, because they were tired of me failing to turn the direction they told me. It made for interesting destinations when I navigated. We never quite managed to end up where I had planned.

Posted by: ktjrdn at May 23, 2006 10:02 AM

Let me see...

Nope. Can't think of anything.

We're good.

Keep on as you are.

Ooh, and can I nick the "I..." thing to post on my Blog (replacing your answers with mine) please?

I'm having a meme day, it would seem. If I do this one that'll be three...

Posted by: Alice at May 23, 2006 10:35 AM

nice bruise! what a target!

Posted by: Dolly at May 23, 2006 10:45 AM

Responsible journalism (or infotainment as it really is) should be unbiased... no, I mean sensational. We've yet to hear from the Hickey. How does it feel about being on YOUR forehead? What are other hickeys saying? How long does it plan on staying and will it be appearing on any other body parts? or on other people? What's next for the hickey?

As for the Left/Right thing, Smoke's 43 and he still hasn't figured it out. The "L" solution mentioned above sounds like a lot of work for me personally. I simply look for my writing hand (left) and anything not associated with it is obviously right.

I'd like to see the words meme and tagged used in a defintive paragraph.

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at May 23, 2006 10:49 AM

Did Mia give you that hickey or did you burn yourself on your curling iron again?

Posted by: statia at May 23, 2006 10:51 AM

I have to admit--Hickeywatch is cracking me up. :)

I agree with Nic--maybe movie reviews, or some music reviews. Or you could do an editorial each day on something you've found interesting in the news. But you've kinda been doing that, so once again, I am utterly of no help whatsoever. I think it's so amazing that you try to post almost every day. Ambitious, dude.

Posted by: Michelle at May 23, 2006 10:59 AM

I used to live in Arlington, VA, some of my favorite places to eat up there included (but are not limited to) Polo Rico (CHEAP good chicken!), Lost Dog, Louisiana express (bethesda) Austin grill. What are your faves and how have they changed since your young'un got mobile? I think you could write some interesting restaurant reviews. Or beer reviews.
thanks for the hickey update!

Posted by: pagalina at May 23, 2006 11:27 AM

um, yeah, nothing should end in vomiting.

Posted by: ali at May 23, 2006 12:14 PM

Did you get smart ass remarks at your office about your hickey???

Posted by: Pixie at May 23, 2006 12:33 PM

Oy! I would pay to see the look on a total stranger's face when you tell them that your daughter gave you that hickey

Posted by: Lisa B at May 23, 2006 12:40 PM

Stolen from the net: Whether it's coffee, tea or a soda, it's hard to make it through the day without a little pick-me-up of caffeine. But 61 percent of workers surveyed said they'd rather toss their mugs than give up Internet access at their desks.

If forced to choose, which would you give up?

Posted by: Jaycie at May 23, 2006 12:41 PM

Hickey watch is funny.

I enjoy reading most of what you write so I do not have any suggestions.

Posted by: Bill at May 23, 2006 01:01 PM

I wanna know what kind of comments you've gotten about your forehead hickey at work. Did you tell people that Beth was particularly, um, exuberant this past weekend? Just to see the looks on their faces?

Posted by: Noelle at May 23, 2006 01:09 PM

don't have time to read all the comments (must be nice to be so fucking popular!) but can you take a pic of said ass so we can be the judge? I know, I know, I'm a dirty old lady.

Posted by: Debbie at May 23, 2006 01:20 PM

Ah! You plugged me. I mean...

Huh. Yeah, there's just no righting that.

"I WONDER what would happen if animals could really start talking." You ever watch the Spanish channel and make up English dialog to it? Me neither. But I DO interpret what my dogs are thinking. And lemme tell you, my little boy is PISSED that he has no balls.

"I AM NOT Aretha Franklin disguised as a little white man." Well that's good. Because picturing Aretha wearing a Chris Cactus suit is just disturbing!

Posted by: Tink at May 23, 2006 02:23 PM

Haha, "more cowbell." Nice.
I'm diggin' on the head hickey. You are one smooth guy and a great dad.

Posted by: Kristina at May 23, 2006 02:31 PM

You know, I still mess up left and right, too. I look at which hand my watch is on.

Hmmm, I think this site could definitely use more music. There aren't nearly enough posts about music.

Posted by: Jen at May 23, 2006 02:56 PM

How come when you can't think of anything to post, it ends up so freaking funny and wonderful? I want to know your secret.

Posted by: Melissa at May 23, 2006 02:56 PM

Ha! The good ass pants, did they work?
I am loving the graphics around your photo,

Posted by: Jenn at May 23, 2006 03:58 PM

Okay, how about a post about the weird little OCD, neurotic little rituals we all have? You show us yours; we'll show you ours. ;)

Posted by: HR Mommy at May 23, 2006 04:48 PM

Maybe you have already discussed this? Strangest place you have ever had sex? Ever get caught? Most embarrassing sexual moment? Kind of personal, but probably will be quite a post.

Posted by: Jamie at May 23, 2006 04:56 PM

Memes as content; you gotta love it. I myself will be stealing this from you, possibly including some of your answers because they're way better than anything I could come up.

(Just kidding I would never do that. Especially since there's a good chance you'd see it.)

Posted by: Contrary at May 23, 2006 05:24 PM

Heh, love the RCNN! I would have gone with the concealer, myself, but you're definitely rocking that hickey.

I'm always in favor of pictures of good ass pants, from a purely sartorial point of view, you understand.

Hmmm... questions... you have left/right problems, but how are you with the alphabet?

I'm OK with left/right, but if I'm going to alphabetize something up past about "G" I have to stop and sing the alphabet song.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at May 23, 2006 05:50 PM

I'd like to see pictures of those good ass pants!! (jk)

Posted by: Ava at May 23, 2006 06:27 PM

Oh, and since I have nothing to say on my blog, I'm definitely doing the meme.

Posted by: Ava at May 23, 2006 06:30 PM

After being MIA in the blogosphere for a while, this was one strange post to come back to you. I'm not going to even tell you the scenarios that ran through my mind before I scrolled down and learned how you actually got a hickey on your forehead. :-o

Posted by: Kestrel at May 23, 2006 06:43 PM

How did you get into Computer Security? Do you have any certs?

What are you doing to pursue your rock star status? Guitar lessons, voice lessons, etc??

Posted by: at May 23, 2006 09:38 PM

I found this really neat website. I had lots of information on Canadian music. Right now there is a showcase up specifically talking about popular music in Canada. You should check it out.


Posted by: Kristal at May 24, 2006 03:54 PM

Ok, I'm a day late. Probably a dollar short too, but I'm going ahead anyway because this combines two good topics - music and Dubya.
But curious how you feel about the chilly reception the Dixie Chicks have been receiving with the arrival of their new CD. And the smack down they got on some country awards show Tuesday night where "The show's host, country veteran Reba McEntire, drew the loudest applause when she joked about the Dixie Chicks 'putting their foot in their mouth.' The country trio has been on the outs with a large swathe of Nashville since singer Natalie Maines said in 2003 that she was ashamed to come from the same state as fellow Texan President George W. Bush."

Posted by: Traci at May 24, 2006 08:09 PM