June 01, 2006

Bitches, Man, Bitches

The quote comes, of course, from the brilliant Boyz N The Hood which, aside from bringing us this fine quote has only slight relevance to the matter at hand. The matter at hand, being, well, bitches.

See, Beth, Mia and I were just at the pool again, seeing as the pool is a ginormous hit with Mia. I expect her to develop gills soon. We're sitting in the baby pool and there's a pack of women at ten o'clock (the direction, not the time) gabbing. Here's a snippet:

Woman 1: So, we got Jayden [an aside: Jayden was the kid's real name. What is it with these people and names?] into the Biff and Babs Uber-Snotty Preschool. We had to pull some strings at The Club.
Woman 2: Oh, we looked at that one but they didn't serve tea and watercress sandwiches for lunch so we settled on St. Timothy's School For Future Wealthy Land Rover-Drivers.
Woman 3: A couple people at our club have kids in that school.
Woman 1: What club is that?
Woman 3: Riversnob.
Woman 2: We were members but then they started letting everyone in and stopped their all-day caviar buffet.
Woman 3: They're just trying to let a younger crowd in. Of course, it costs a lot. It's like paying for a Benz in cash every year.
Woman 1: My parents got us into Snootyvale last year. It's quite reasonable so we have all our family dinners there. And? They have three golf courses. And if you get mad when you play, you can just kill your caddie and they cover it up.

Now, listen - I don't have anything against country clubs and private schools. I couldn't care less what people do with their money and I certainly can't begrudge anyone a quality of life that they have, hopefully, earned. But Christ's wiggling ass, can't people just shut the fuck up about it? I feel most sorry for Beth - she has to put up with these lunatics for the rest of the summer. Personally, I think she needs to begin a campaign of horror, a way to really freak these women out on a fairly regular basis. Some suggestions for Beth:

1. Head to the pool and pack a lunch. Pork rinds and a nice frosty 40 of refreshing malt liquor would do nicely. Don't forget to share - pass it around.

2. Raise the stakes. Hire a helicopter to drop you and Mia off in the parking lot then bitch about the Hummer limo being in the shop.

3. Share stories about your family and their little club. Like, the time that Uncle "Hammer Fists" Vito and Jimmy Hoffa went out for a drink. Or the time Vinnie Two-Shots started randomly popping anyone he saw wearing Prada.

Your turn. What am I missing?

Posted by Chris at June 1, 2006 02:08 PM

A nice frosty 40? Well, shit, now you got me thirsty.

Posted by: VirgoJen at June 1, 2006 02:37 PM

Sweet! She should also not forget to bring the boombox with an awesome Cactus mix....I'm sure you could find something suitable ;)

But suggestions? Some Beastie Boys.. or Green Day.. Anything that has loud, "crunchy" guitars really...

Posted by: Sue at June 1, 2006 02:38 PM

Welcome to my hell. I have no suggestions at all. I like to talk about my club memberships - Sierra Club, Communist Party Club, Fans of South Park Club. If that doesn't do it, I say that I like to spend all my spare time hanging out by the methodone clinic handing out clean syringes to the junkies. That usually shuts them up.

Posted by: Ms. Q at June 1, 2006 02:43 PM

I feel Beth's pain. I went to a school with similar bitches' kids for both middle and high school. (Seriously, one of my friends had 7 1/2 bathrooms.)

Posted by: Spring at June 1, 2006 02:43 PM

Oh my! What are those people doing at the pool hanging out with common folk anyway? Personally I think she should go to the pool wearing cutoffs and a ripped up old t-shirt with "I'm With Stupid" written on it and make sure she's wearing extra eyeliner and bright blue shadow. For a classic touch she should make sure and belch extra loud while drinking her 40.

Posted by: Beth in StL at June 1, 2006 02:58 PM

I like the one approach.

Starting a few sentences with, "My uncle, John Gotti..." usually works wonders in clearing the crap out of the pool area.

Posted by: bhd at June 1, 2006 03:01 PM

I'm surprised these women will even be seen at a public pool....geesh. I went to a very snobby high school and hated all 4 years of it. Oh, by the way, my cousin has a 2 year old son named Jayden and they are by no means snobby, so maybe that will help you keep the faith a little with the name thing! :)

Posted by: Dana at June 1, 2006 03:03 PM

Remind Beth to poor some of that forty in the pool for her dead homies.

Posted by: jeff at June 1, 2006 03:06 PM

Too funny. I have no suggestions. I have to deal with people like that all the time.

Um...Jayden is a real name. At least it wasn't John McDylan McFaden Fray, III.

Posted by: Melissa at June 1, 2006 03:09 PM

Always refer to Mia as "Daisy May" at the pool. Bring up topics such as Swiss Boarding Schools and Arab Princes that your thinking of betrothing Mia with.

Then make sure she says it all in a Southern Accent. Works for me every time!!

The Frosty Forty is a nice touch.

Posted by: chantel at June 1, 2006 03:14 PM

Um...letting Mia wear an actual diaper rather than swim diapers. Always grosses me out. How about carrying a "ghetto blaster" playing something like old Quiet Riot, or Poison or any of your "Monster Rock" favorites. She could also tease her hair (using Aqua Net of course). Or take several different shades of neon polish and paint each of her toes a different color while at the pool (like the Power Station video..."get it on..bang a gong..your dirty and sweet and your my girl").

I don't know. Just white trash stuff.
Beth and you are so above those folks. I learned a long time ago-if you boast about it, it probably isn't true. If you say you have a big shlong (sp?) it is the size of a bic. If you say that you have money-you are probably over extended on your credit. If you say you are a good parent-you probably are insecure because you know that you are screwing up your kids.
Just a thought...people who brag are pompus.

Enjoy messing with their minds! Let the summer games begin!!!!

Posted by: Jamie at June 1, 2006 03:14 PM

Beth could trade in her swimming suit for an American flag bikini and Mia's cute barrettes for a mohawk.

Posted by: kim at June 1, 2006 03:27 PM

You're missing inviting me. I could clear that gang inside of two minutes.

Posted by: ann adams at June 1, 2006 03:36 PM

You get these bitches AND White Trash Neighbors?? Quite a diverse place you live.

Posted by: kalisah at June 1, 2006 03:43 PM

and yeah....now that I'm reading the comments....if they're members of all these snooty clubs, how come they're not swimming THERE?

If there's anything worse than snooty bitches, it's LYING SNOOTY WANNA-BE BITCHES.

Posted by: kalisah at June 1, 2006 03:46 PM

Nobody puts baby in the corner. Let it out... You're mad as hell and you're not going to take it anymore!

This almost sounds like a little role reversal of the neighbor situation across the street from last week? Snap.

As I'm sure you know, there's nothing you nor Beth can do about this other than make sure she's not at the pool the same time these women are. If that's not an option then she just has to suck it up like the good soldier she is. Trying to irriate these ladies is stooping to their leveling of one-upmanship. Life's too short.

BTW... nice work on
*Biff and Babs Uber-Snotty Preschool
*St. Timothy's School For Future Wealthy Land Rover-Drivers.
*What club is that? Riversnob.
*all-day caviar buffet.

and this was halarious...
They have three golf courses. And if you get mad when you play, you can just kill your caddie and they cover it up.

Hey, Beth could always take up the bagpipe?

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at June 1, 2006 03:48 PM

I wish I could think of something to bug these people. I live this torture every Wednesday when my daughter and I go to gymnastics. But I have to tell you, the haves are feeling it in there pocket book. Why just the other night I over heard a conversation about how her Escalade costs $57 to fill up every two days.

Posted by: linda at June 1, 2006 03:55 PM

Two words: tattoo sleeves.

Here's the link:


Posted by: candace at June 1, 2006 04:06 PM

Oh, and I noticed while I was perusing the tattoo sleeve site that "Fairies" was spelled "Ferries".


Posted by: candace at June 1, 2006 04:07 PM

Beth could invite the WTNs to go to the pool with her and Mia. And then make sure the WTNs sit close to the snooty bitches.

Posted by: Traci at June 1, 2006 04:17 PM

You and Beth ARE liberals, yes? Start a discussion on politics, and I think you're golden. They'll leave in a jiffy so their kids don't get tainted.

Posted by: Julie at June 1, 2006 04:19 PM

Yup. I spent lots of time in pools the past few summers overhearing crap like that. Then I moved to a more middle class town. And its great. But even amongst middle class town there's always some angling and slight references to establish who's got what... So sad. Really. Who cares?

You've got good advice for Beth!

Posted by: Lisa B at June 1, 2006 04:28 PM

Beth doesn't have to do a thing other than show up in her swimsuit with her smokin ass. Muffy and Buffy will drop dead with jealousy.

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at June 1, 2006 04:34 PM

Those people are as bad as the "[Kid's name] is in second grade and has already mastered nuclear fission" type moms. Gah.

I usually turn to someone who I'm fairly certain is as irreverant as me and say, "You know, Swimmy picked her nose the other day and ATE IT! Can you believe how talented she is?! We're so proud."

Posted by: Pammer at June 1, 2006 04:46 PM

"Christ's wiggling ass"!?!?! I'm going to have to find a way to work that one in to conversation more often.

Posted by: BB at June 1, 2006 04:57 PM

aggressive body piercings.

Posted by: jodi at June 1, 2006 05:09 PM

Ok, I can't add to anything that's already here, but just know, I spit water on my desk reading that... sheesh. I could almost hear their snotty voices... ugh!

Posted by: Karen at June 1, 2006 05:11 PM

1) Openly pour whatever is the trashiest alcohol in the states into Mia's cup for her to drink. In the UK it would be either Blue Nun or Buckfast.

2) Make a show of forgetting your purse then ask to borrow money from Mia. Openly take the latest designer purse from her changing bag/pushchair and take out at several $50 notes, thanking Mia for getting you out of a tight situation.

This is fun. I'd think of more but I need to go to bed.

Posted by: Katherine at June 1, 2006 05:48 PM

Be sure and tell Beth that if she goes for option 1, she has to scratch some part of her anatomy at least twice to match that 40 and the pork rinds. Corn nuts would be a good idea too. OR she could just pull a Britney and eat ten pounds of Cheetos and wear her hair in rollers. :D

Posted by: The Pants Speak at June 1, 2006 05:58 PM

Ain't it scary? And terribly sad at the same time.

Posted by: Bethany at June 1, 2006 06:27 PM

Let's see, there are so many awesome suggestions already. What can I add? Oh, have Mia drink Coke out of a baby bottle...I HATE that! And get a big beach towel that looks like the Confederate Flag, lie that out right next to them. And maybe Beth can chew tobacco and spit it in a clear plastic cup??? Yes? No?

Posted by: Kate at June 1, 2006 06:33 PM

LOL! This is too much!! Are these people for real? Seriously?? Where have I been?

Posted by: Jill at June 1, 2006 06:44 PM

Talk loudly about how shitty and white trash the country clubs are in America (nice to use a fake accent) and how they treat people like you, who are foreign royalty, like a regular person and HOW DARE THEY!!

Posted by: statia at June 1, 2006 07:04 PM

Perhaps soon-to-be former WTN's could offer up some suggestions?

My suggestions? Get a baby pool for the backyard and avoid the public pool at all costs.

Or, do as I did and make friends with a couple that has grown children, no grandchildren, full-time jobs, and an in-ground pool. 5 minutes from my house. And swim there.

Posted by: Alissa at June 1, 2006 07:27 PM

Do their country clubs not have pools? Dude they're totally full of it.

1) I was at an outlet mall last weekend, window shopping on a walk before it opened. The weird thing was they were playing lots of classical music and showtune musak so that local teenagers wouldn't congregate there and do bad things like hang out.

So, I say some old school rap, played pretty loudly might alleviate the snotty people traffic at the pool. If it doesn't work initially, I'd suggest inviting them to dance.

I really feel sorry for people who get their sense of self worth from what club they belong to.

Posted by: Heather at June 1, 2006 07:54 PM

You just made me so very happy.


Posted by: Elaine at June 1, 2006 08:37 PM

Why are they at your pool, if they all belong to fancy country clubs? And if they're so goddamn rich, why don't they have their little pool playdates at home in their own damn pool?

Boone's Farm is the classy way to be trashy, btw.

Posted by: Becky at June 1, 2006 09:30 PM

At least if you're frequenting the same pool as the snotty women, at least you know you have some "class."

Posted by: Zandria at June 1, 2006 09:32 PM

Ooo...Ooo...I have a good one. She can brag and say she flew over to Eagle,Idaho(http://www.eaglefire.org/) for the Rocky Mountain Oyster feed, guzzling beer, good food, oh yeah, and Rocky Mountain Oysters....and if anyone knows what those are...that'll shut them up. This is the annual localfund raiser for the Eagle Fire Department. Quite popular and a lot of good food. Nuts are good y'all.

Posted by: Lisa at June 1, 2006 09:36 PM

I think I have met these moms. I count myself lucky as our pool is part of our townhome community. The majority of us are going to the same school and frankly itis just as good as most private schools. Beth should tell them that she plans to homeschool Mia. Maybe their eyes will roll back in their heads at the thought of that.

Posted by: Nicole at June 1, 2006 09:48 PM

Don't these snobs have their OWN sparkling swimming pools overlooking their country clubs???

Posted by: Natalie at June 2, 2006 01:50 AM


Ooh! I know! She could hire some balding middle aged guy with a lot of tacky gold bling, a huge beer belly, and a rifle to pretend to be her pimp and suddenly burst into the pool area and start demanding money from his cheatin' ho'...?

...Or, not.

But it'd freak the snotty cows into next week, and it would damn well be bloody funny to watch.


Posted by: Alice at June 2, 2006 04:55 AM

I live right around the corner from where they were trying to find Hoffa. Want me to send some "hand coming out of the grave" cupcakes? I know the woman who came up with the idea!!!

Posted by: Dawn at June 2, 2006 08:44 AM

What you two need to do is set up camp. Bring out the grill, get some hot dogs, er, boca burgers, get out the ice cold 40's, the confederate flag beach towels and start blasting some Lynrd Skynrd. Oh, and don't forget cheese doodles. Which you will nonchalantly washt the cheese off your hands in the pool. The aqua net hair wouldn't hurt either. I guarentee there will be no more problems.

Posted by: Michelle at June 2, 2006 09:12 AM

What you two need to do is set up camp. Bring out the grill, get some hot dogs, er, boca burgers, get out the ice cold 40's, the confederate flag beach towels and start blasting some Lynrd Skynrd. Oh, and don't forget cheese doodles. Which you will nonchalantly washt the cheese off your hands in the pool. The aqua net hair wouldn't hurt either. And don't forget to belch and specifically, fart. This will really get them off guard. I guarentee there will be no more problems.

Posted by: Michelle at June 2, 2006 09:13 AM

I loved your transcript of their conversation. And I agree with the others, if they belong to RiverSnob, why aren't they swimming there?

I would suggest that you guys borrow 4 more (vastly different looking) kids under 7, for the day. Then Beth can spend some time using the payphone at the pool, yelling at their various "baby-daddies" about how those Cheetos "ain't gonna buy theyselves", and not to bring that tramp Lurlene along the next time they stop by the trailer. (All the baby-daddies can be sharing Lurlene.)

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at June 2, 2006 12:00 PM

Coming from 12 years of private school, there is a very simple way to drive these women insane. You and Beth and both attractive people who still are madly in love with each other.

Be demonstrative.

No, I'm not talking about groping each other or using baby talk on each other, but longing looks after a kiss or things like that will make these women shut up so fast. My mom was a single mom when I started school, and though my "blended" family never had the money of my peers' family, they could never really compete with the honeymoon phase my mom and dad had when they started dating and got married. This is true revenge.

Yes, I really am hoping you'll do this. And report back.

Posted by: alektra at June 3, 2006 12:14 PM

LOL. Actually, I'm feeling pretty poor--I had to look up "Prada." Had no clue what it is. In fact, I've been meaning to look it up ever since that new movie has come out "The Devil Wears Prada."

Posted by: Ginny at June 3, 2006 12:42 PM