June 15, 2006


Last night, Beth and I started discussing Mia's first birthday party. It went something like this...

Me: Want to do invitations this weekend?
Her: Invitations?
Me: To Mia's first birthday party.
Her: Oh, sure.
Me: Who are we inviting?
Her: Just family, I think. Unless you have other ideas.
Me: Oprah.
Her: Oprah?
Me: Yeah, that would be cool. Although I really can't picture her hanging out with a baby. Possibly not the coolest celebrity to invite.
Her: So, instead of Oprah then...
Me: Judas Priest lead singer and noted homosexual Rob Halford. He's awesome. And think of the great lesson in diversity.
Her: He's gay?
Me: Yeah, he was gay before it was cool to be a heavy metal-singing gay dude.
Her: If he brought a gift it would probably be a little leather onesie.
Me: That might be a little strange.

Most of that is beside the point, unless you were curious about Rob Halford's sexual preference which, honestly, no one but Rob should care about. Still, steering the course somewhat closer to the point, I've realized that birthday parties for extremely small children (either very young or just really, really tiny) are kinda stupid. No, I'm not saying that you, because you threw a bitchin' bash for your one year old, are stupid. I'm just saying that I don't quite see the point. It has to be more for the benefit of the parents rather than the kid. Because I see the whole thing playing out something like this -

12:00: Guests arrive.
12:01: Gifts are handed over, baby crawls, adults talk about the weather.
12:05: Weather topic exhausted, men move onto sports, women ogle child and discuss breastfeeding or strappy shoes (I'm not a woman so how would I know?).
12:15: Parents open gifts, baby eats wrapping paper.
12:20: Boxes gifts came in become best toys ever.
12:30: Cake! Baby smears it on face, eats handful of Cheerios.
12:45: Baby screams, tired, parents kick out guests.
1:00: Baby takes nap, parents greet mystery guests Johnny Walker and Jim Beam.

That? Doesn't sound like fun. Except the drinking thing. Because, I'll tell ya - it's been a rough week and sure, it's only 7:00 AM, but a drink would be good right now.

Now, all of this begs the question - instead of Oprah and Rob Halford (who I do think would be a kick-ass guest), what celebrities should we invite to Mia's first birthday party? Because I totally want to now.

Posted by Chris at June 15, 2006 07:01 AM

Definitely Brad and Angelina. They have 3 small children, and know ALOT about Africa which would come in pretty handy after you've exhausted the weather topic. Unless you wanted to talk about the weather IN Africa.

Posted by: e at June 15, 2006 07:22 AM

Definetly Dane Cook. He'll teach Mia the Su-Fi, and have the guests laughing for hours.

Cause what's life without a little comedy?

Posted by: Mel at June 15, 2006 07:23 AM

Oh, definately me... because I'm totally a celebrity.. (HA! kidding!) You should totally invite TomKat, because no party is complete without a little couch jumping.

Posted by: Corinne at June 15, 2006 07:42 AM

I'm with you. I really don't see the point. The kid definitely doesn't have a clue what's going on. Even at two it's a bit of a stretch.

Anyway. Madonna of course. She's got the two kids and you know Madonna will rock your world with whatever gift she brings. Cuz, let's face it, the only reason to invite any celebrity is for the loot. Or is that just my greed talking?

Posted by: pea at June 15, 2006 07:48 AM

I would volunteer my services as special celebrity guest because I have the uncanny ability to be very very silly. Babies love the silly.

However, I am not a celebrity, I'm not all that special and I live about a kazillion miles away.

I'd still get Oprah, because think of the gifts!

"Today on Oprah, Mia's favorite things!"

Posted by: Contrary at June 15, 2006 07:50 AM

Spiderman. Definitely.

That's who my kids want to invite to their party, anyway...

Posted by: Alissa at June 15, 2006 07:55 AM

Not Britney Spears.

Sounds like a fun party.


Posted by: Lisa at June 15, 2006 08:42 AM

Ali G! (because he's funny as hell and Mia won't quite understand any lude comments he makes anyway, right?)

P.S. Is it bad that I still get excited about playing with the boxes that the gifts come in? How about the cool bubble wrap?? THE BEST!! k, now I just need to convince someone to buy me a gift!! lol.

Posted by: Jill at June 15, 2006 08:52 AM

Billy Idol. Definitely.

Posted by: mingaling at June 15, 2006 08:53 AM

First birthdays around here (friends and family) are pretty big and they're mostly for the adults. Everybody ooh's and aah's, has a couple of drinks, etc. After the first one the list gets pared down but the first is a biggie.

Posted by: Stacy at June 15, 2006 08:58 AM


Posted by: Allan at June 15, 2006 08:59 AM

I agree with you on the party for a baby thing.
I've been kind of thinking the same way here lately and I don't know if it's that I'm (a) an exceedingly lazy slacker mom, (b) burnout from days of picking up toys and wrenching bits of books and paper out of a 9 month old's mouth, or (c) a horrible mother with none of the competitive party spirit of the other better mothers in the world.

But, seriously? I so think you should invite Oprah. Mia would look so cute sitting in the driver seat of a brand new beamer! If you think baby parties are crazy, wait until your kid is in school and you have to enter the local "My kid is way more special than yours so we're renting a couple of hours of totally to ourselves time at Disney or the Museum or the Zoo or any other overdone completely outrageous, practically a mini-wedding birthday party.

Posted by: HR Mommy at June 15, 2006 09:00 AM

hmmm. i can think of a few celebs I'd love to invite to my birthday party....mmmmm....

but I don't know that they're very appropriate for a 1 year olds party ;)

Posted by: suze at June 15, 2006 09:01 AM

I was gonna say Madonna but totally changed it when I thought of providing substance to Mia starting from Birthday 1. So I say invite Bono. He'll get her started on the route of "Free the 3rd World Debt" and "AIDS in Africa" topics. She'll get a head start at a young age. But again the only thing I see Mia doing when he speaks is, grab his Bug Sunglasses and put them in her mouth. LOL.

Posted by: Dee at June 15, 2006 09:03 AM

Oh, I forgot. Who would I invite?????? I really don't even know. Our kid's first birthday is two months away and I'm still waffling on that. How about my secret boyfriend Nick Cage? He's not all that funny, but he sure is pretty. LOL

Seriously? Elmo. I LOVE Elmo. I'm not even sure Vincent cares about him, but I adore Elmo.

Posted by: HR Mommy at June 15, 2006 09:05 AM

I kinda have to go with Brad and Angelina.

You could also invite Jennifer Aniston, just for kicks.

Posted by: Jen at June 15, 2006 09:05 AM

You have plenty of political celebrities nearby, so I'd suggest a supreme court judge or a Senator or two. Hilary Clinton, perhaps?

Posted by: Jessie at June 15, 2006 09:16 AM

Definitely the Governator. Then he can come as the "Kindergarten Cop" to keep the party safe and assume nannying duties while parents entertain those rowdy guests Jim Beam and Johnny Walker.

Posted by: E :) at June 15, 2006 09:28 AM

I say, invite anyone that promises to bring a leather onesie. Because that sounds awesome!

Posted by: Isabel at June 15, 2006 09:33 AM

You know all four of my kids refused to eat the cake and smear it on their face and hair. We had to help them out ;).

I say invite Jose Cuervo, serve Mexican food and you can start drinking before the guests arrive.

Posted by: Lisa V at June 15, 2006 09:40 AM

Elmo. I hear he's already calling Mia on her cell phone, so maybe he'll show. And if not, you can always fall back on Halford.

Posted by: bad penguin at June 15, 2006 09:53 AM

okay...you are so wrong here!!!! First birthday parties are for the child!!!! Just because she will not enjoy this as much as an older child its still an important experience and something she deserves. The pictures, cards, wrapping paper can be saved and treasured for her to enjoy later. Its her very first birthday! You better get it together and have a theme and have some fun!!!! You know, you only have about 14 Mia birthdays before she refuses to be seen with you, so enjoy it while you can and make some memories.

Wow...so disappointed in you today. PUt a party hat on your head and get in the spirit.

Posted by: linda at June 15, 2006 09:55 AM

Hmmm...Rosie O'Donnell maybe. She loves kiddos and you'd still have the gay factor covered. And she gives awesome presents!

Posted by: Traci at June 15, 2006 09:55 AM

How about Kenny G? He might be the only person to be able to get Mia to sleep after eating her cake.

Posted by: Brad at June 15, 2006 09:57 AM

I seem to remember asking if Mr. Rogers could come to my birthday party.

I think the cast of Reno 911 would be fun to attend a party with, I imagine that Ben Garant (Deputy Travis Junior) is great with kids.

Posted by: Betti at June 15, 2006 10:02 AM

The first birthday party is an awesome excuse for all your grown-up friends to come over, eat, drink, and marvel at how the baby has grown. And if the kid gets some gifts? Bonus! My daughter's first birthday party was FAB, because we didn't make it a "kid" party. We invited everyone over, made grown-up food (and had kid-friendly food for the kids who didn't like the good stuff), drank wine and beer, talked, laughed, and watched as Sophie put her face in the cake. After it was over, the kids went to bed and a couple friends stayed later to watch a movie.


As for celebs? I think everyone else covered it nicely

Posted by: candace at June 15, 2006 10:34 AM

Mr. T

Posted by: Denise at June 15, 2006 10:38 AM

the teletubbies...they scare me, but Mia might be able to handle them.

DO NOT..I repeat...DO NOT invite that purple dinosaur. He's even scarier! Ack!

Posted by: Red at June 15, 2006 10:52 AM

You forgot the step where you give the baby a bath because she's covered in cake and screaming because she rubbed her tired eyes with cake-smeared hands.

Posted by: Carolyn at June 15, 2006 10:54 AM

Your timeline for the party is awesome. Around here, it's an all afternoon affair that leaves you with not enough energy for a nap.

Possible Guests:

Will Ferrel
Chuck Woolery
Jack Black

That is all.


Posted by: jackassjimmy at June 15, 2006 11:03 AM

Barney. Or The Wiggles.

Think like a kid, dude.

Posted by: Queen of Ass at June 15, 2006 11:03 AM

Just don't invite Britney, okay? She'd drop Mia on her head and then try to eat her.

My daughter Mia just had her third birthday. Very low key, cake and ice cream with the grandparents in the backyard while Mia made us run circles, pushing her on her new swingset.

The first party around here is a big deal, much more for shock and awe among adults than for the kids.

Posted by: Lisa at June 15, 2006 11:08 AM

We had a Cinco De Mayo Happy Hour birthday party for Sam last month. Make it a potluck and you'll save yourself some hassle. Keep the margaritas stocked. With that in mind, maybe invite a celebrity chef? That Iron Chef dude seems cool and he'd keep the food coming.

We totally talk about breastfeeding and strappy shoes. Who told you?

Posted by: Annie at June 15, 2006 11:12 AM

Heath Ledger in cowboy garb. I think your wife would back me on that one. And you're probably right on about the strappy shoes, it being summer and a high priority and all.

Posted by: Jenn at June 15, 2006 11:14 AM

First birthdays are fun and a good excuse for family to get together, but I think that the big blow-outs are unnecessary. Some celebration with cake and pictures is pretty much required though not so much for the present for the future.

Celebrity guest: Space Ghost - fun for kids and adults alike.

Posted by: Beth in StL at June 15, 2006 11:22 AM

How about Snuffalofogus? Or George Stephanopolis? I'm sure either one would be interesting, however I don't think Snuffalofogus would be up on world news/current events in such detail as George. That or invite Jack Daniels. He's a GREAT party go-er. ;)

Posted by: Michelle at June 15, 2006 11:38 AM

Pee Wee Herman and the Pee Wee's Playhouse Gang. Definitely. You've got your fun AND teh gay covered, all in one colorful, diverse group! And if it's the real group, you've got your S. Epatha Merkerson, your Laurence Fishburne, and your other people I can't think of right now.

Posted by: shelley at June 15, 2006 11:56 AM

well, Beth seems a little curious about Elmo.... Other than Elmo, how bout Ellen Degeneres--she'd crack y'all up while the kids play with Elmo. Because, you'll need some entertainment for the parents if you're going to have Elmo....Trrrrust me!

I've caved into mommy pressure and am having a party for my daughter Joey's 1st birthday(she's a week younger than Mia). We're doing it at Gymboree--a Gymboree teacher person is going to lead the kiddies in songs and games, etc. It'll basically give the parents and kids something to do for an hour and a half on a Saturday afternoon....And it'll be an excuse to bring lots of TOYS for Joey home!

By the way, delurking here. I read you regularly and always read and comment on Beth's blogs. You two crack me up every day. Thank you!

Posted by: haley-o at June 15, 2006 11:59 AM

I am thinking Johnny Depp.
He could come dressed as Captain Jack to entertain the kids and then after the guests are kicked out, he could maybe entertain mommy ???

Posted by: Jenn at June 15, 2006 12:01 PM

I think birthday parties for kids under age 5 or 6 are pretty much completely for the adults, especially masochistic ones. My oldest turns 5 this year, and I no longer think I can get away with inviting the family over for some chips and dip and a slice of cake, so I will be entering the realm of the "real birthday party"... but suffice it to say I avoided this day for as long as humanly possible.

And if you want to throw a party for Mia's sake? Invite Elmo.

Posted by: Kristen at June 15, 2006 12:07 PM

Lassie. OK, I know, lame, but I don't pay much attention to celebrities and I was looking at my dogs when I was trying to come up with one.

Regardless of the party, let Mia smear cake all over herself and take a picture of it. I have one of me at my first bday party and I smile every time I see it, even if I of course don't remember it.

Posted by: Heather at June 15, 2006 12:11 PM

birthdays for 1 year olds only become important to the child later, when they look back at the pictures. otherwise, they'll wonder why you didn't love them enough to have a party.

Posted by: jodi at June 15, 2006 12:39 PM

This is kind of like the “name 5 people from history you’d invite to dinner” question. I’d invite Ellen DeGeneres (she loves kids and would be great for a laugh), maybe Penn and Teller to perform some obnoxious tricks for the adults, the crew from Lazy Town because they’re so peppy (except for Robbie Rotten), maybe Barron Trump (that might yield a nice gift or two) and finally Dora the Explorer so you can work on Mia’s español. No todo es miel sobre jojuelas.

And speaking of heavy metal lead singers turned gay… what’s up with David Lee Roth? Did I miss the announcement that he was traded to the other team?

Posted by: Johnny "Cigar" Smoke at June 15, 2006 12:55 PM

I'm the wrong generation to talk about celebrities. I'd probably invite Pete Seeger.

I'm with you. Adult parties are fine for those that enjoy them but I keep a first birthday simple with people the child already knows. Chocolate on the face is a must of course. And pictures of her playing with the empty boxes and gift wrap.

Or have two parties. She can sleep through the second one.

How do you know what the women talk about? Maybe they're talking about all the guys hanging out in the other room. I would be.

Posted by: ann adams at June 15, 2006 01:45 PM

Whatever you do, DO NOT hire a clown. (Shiver).

Wouldn't that be funny if Eddie Vedder made an appearance? LOL. But then, I guess that would be entertaining the parents, not the kids...

Posted by: Michelle at June 15, 2006 02:05 PM

For my daughter's first birthday we had gambling & a rock band.

Just kidding!

Posted by: MrsJoseGoldbloom at June 15, 2006 02:24 PM

Prince. Every one-year old party needs him. He's tiny like a toy to amuse the wee ones and then can perform for us big folk.

I'm thinkin' some righteous herb would help this scenario make more sense.

Posted by: Pammer at June 15, 2006 02:38 PM

Well, if you want to entertain yourself, you invite Ozzy Osbourne, and run a lottery to guess who needs to change their diaper more often Mia or Ozzy.

Seriously, you are thinking about this whole first birthday thing all wrong. The party is not for the kid. It is a chance for people around you to celebrate that you managed to make it through 365 days and despite the odds, the child actually survived :)

Posted by: Latte Man at June 15, 2006 02:48 PM

I'm with Latte man.

We always serve booze at the family birthday party because, yes, these things are sort of painful for everyone else but the kid. And yes, it is sort of for the parents. My child just turned 4 this week. I threw him a kiddie party because he's survived despite our parenting. Our house plants have never lasted this long!

Posted by: Lisa B at June 15, 2006 03:28 PM

I would invite Kathy Griffin. She totally cracks me up with her stories of the dogs, and "the gays"...her friends. She is a great story teller. I think she would keep the adults entertained, and she could bring along her dogs to keep Mia entertained.
But, I think her dogs shit a lot at inconvenient times, so you would have to take that into consideration.

Posted by: Jamie at June 15, 2006 04:56 PM

I guess my question is, am I chosing people for Mia or for you and Beth?

For Mia, I'd go with Elmo, cause she likes him.
For you and Beth...I'll get back to you on this one. A musician though.

First Birthday's are great. But it is for the adults. Kids don't really care until they are two. And only then then if you take them to Chuck E Cheese. Have a party for your friends and family. Maybe a BBQ or um...hmmm what do vegetarians eat? Lettace? Just kidding. Anyways, as long as you get a great picture or for you a great dozen pictures of Mia eating the cake, all is well.

Posted by: Melissa at June 15, 2006 05:46 PM

I like that a bunch of people are using it as an excuse to bring in a gigolo for Beth. hehe.

Posted by: Heather at June 15, 2006 06:08 PM

I'd have to go with good ole Martha Stewart, heck I'd invite her a couple of days in advance, have her plan the party, decorate for you and why not throw in baking the FIRST birthday cake.. Just a thought. But what ever you do It will be just fine too the little princess.... Hope you have a wonderful evening!

Posted by: JENNIFER at June 15, 2006 06:35 PM

Yeah, I agree, we were pressured into having one for Nico. "But you need a picture of him covered in cake!" I do?

you know what's weird Rob Hartford came in conversation at our house too, as we were discussing the merit of Wolfmother... (it's a bit of a debate..)

Weird... very weird... two Judas Priest references in less than a day. More than there have been in weeks and weeks.

Posted by: Nat at June 15, 2006 06:45 PM

My most embarassing work moment was when my boss threw open my office door and started talking to me while I was in there with my shirt pulled up to my neck, trying to use my breast pump.

Actually, that would be my 3 most embarassing moments, as it happened 3 separate times with 2 different bosses.

I don't breastfeed anymore.

Posted by: SMIT at June 15, 2006 07:56 PM

Eddie Murphy & Jackie Chan. They'd humor the kids and adults. Eddie's seemed to have a penchant for a younger audience in his most recent works. Jackie's just all out hilarious, besides, he used to be in the Chinese circus before he did films...you've got entertainment NAILED.

Posted by: Dolly at June 15, 2006 07:56 PM

Oops, I put that comment on the wrong post. Feel free to delete it, I'll repost it on the right one.

Posted by: SMIT at June 15, 2006 07:57 PM

I am guilty of having a party for my daughter who turned one this past February. Not only was she not into it, when we gathered around her to sing happy birthday, her lower lip dropped and she burst into tears. It really freaked her out. It was really just an excuse for all of us adults to eat junk food and drink beer.

Posted by: Shannon at June 15, 2006 07:58 PM

i couldn't agree with you more...people who spend like mad on baby and toddler b-days are just plain silly. now i know they are excited for their kid and all but come on, put that money on college savings rather than a bouncy house or a friggin pony!! a family get together with baby eatin cake is the best way to go...they won't know you didn't invite all the other babies in teh neighborhood, lol.
as for the guest? um....how bout that chick, you know, the baby whisperer....then she could tell you what mia is thinking on her very first b-day...it would be like look who's talking. you could all eat popcorn and listen to mia's thoughts verbalized by a fruit loop lady!

Posted by: lizabetty at June 15, 2006 08:12 PM

i would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have Oprah at any of my children's birthday parties. think about all the loot...

but, if she's not an option, i'll say...hmmm...i don't even have anyone remotely witty or interesting to say.

Dora the Explorer? you'd be the talk of the neighborhood.

Posted by: ali at June 15, 2006 08:45 PM

Ohh I would invite the Dubya because then Mia's intelligence will truly shine in comparison... but then so would any one of your favorite lamps in this case....

Posted by: ::c:: at June 15, 2006 11:12 PM

Hey, it's happy hour somewhere, g'ahead and have that drink!

Birthday parties for 1 year olds are for the parents, no question. We had a little gathering with only family, and he only lasted 45 minutes, never saw his cake, and wanted to only play with the balloons. for him, he had a great time though, and that's what mattered.

Had I been able to invite a celebrity guest, I would have picked Laurie Berkner. Her songs are ones kids love, and parents grow to (mostly) enjoy. Her "We are the Dinosaurs" song is genious!

Happy Birthday to Mia!


Posted by: Shash at June 15, 2006 11:45 PM

I think you need to move the "Baby screams, tired, parents kick out guests." to around 12:30. At least if it's anything like the 1st b'days for my two kids.

Posted by: Chag at June 16, 2006 12:35 AM

Britney and her kid. Not K fed though.

Posted by: Bill at June 16, 2006 05:59 AM

HA! You just described each of my kids' first birthday party. Of course, the cake smearing makes for a great photo oppurtunity.

Posted by: Nicole at June 16, 2006 06:23 AM

I agree with you on a baby party thing. I would love to invite few celebrities on my child b'day.

Oh what a lovely idea!!

Posted by: Linda at June 16, 2006 07:15 AM

The Fraggles! With their tiny bridge making men. Totally.

Posted by: Sweety at June 16, 2006 12:44 PM

This is going to be one wild party. The list is hilarious!

Posted by: Janet at June 16, 2006 02:29 PM