June 21, 2006

Effing Celebrities, And Search Strings

First? I had no idea you guys felt so strongly about Angelina Fucking Jolie. One fine reader suggested we add a Tom Cruise wing to the clubhouse. I'll take it further and recommend adding Lindsay Fucking Lohan, Paris Fucking Hilton and Britney Fucking Spears to the club as honorary members. Granted, between them they couldn't figure out how to turn on the lights but it would be a hott wing.

Yesterday whilst poking around in my site stats, I found some interesting stuff. And since it's been a month and a half since I whipped out my big old search string post, I figured it's about time.

Bathtime pictures from France. That's a freedom bath to you, friend.
How parenting make you an adult. It doesn't. You're just much, much larger than your newest roommate, hence the illusion.
Is Estelle Getty still alive. I'm happy to report that good old Estelle is still alive and kicking. However the 84 year-old is reportedly suffering from rather severe dementia. See, I do research for you people.
The complete history of the toilet. Allow me to refer you to Porcelain God: The Social History Of The Toilet.
Infant the home game. New from Milton Bradley!
Detatchable penis dream interpretation. Dude, you're kinda fucked up. That'll be $140 please.
Diaper rash teething. Please tell me you're talking about two entirely separate problems. Please.
Pooping during delivery. Never ever bring me a pizza.
Thank you for hiring me. You're welcome. Now, shine my shoes, damnit!
Sleestacks. "The Laaaaand of the Lossssttt!"
Who invented popups. Could it be...satan?
How to slow down time. You figure that out, I've got a shiny quarter for you. Okay, two quarters.
This shit is whack yo. Aiight, bitch.
Sample emails to rude people. Dear Fucktard, you suck.
Pictures of midgets in Speedos. You people are sick. Fucking sick.
Penis hotdog. I hereby revoke your invitation to the Labor Day BBQ. Its a cookout not a cockout.
Dirty maids. Like jumbo shrimp, an oxymoron. As opposed to Rush Limbaugh - an oxycontin moron.

Posted by Chris at June 21, 2006 07:18 AM

I L O V E this one!

"This shit is whack yo."
"Aiight, bitch."

Posted by: Emily at June 21, 2006 07:29 AM

"Dear Fucktard, you suck."

I may have to borrow this one. Please?

Posted by: Alissa at June 21, 2006 08:07 AM

Estelle Getty seriously has dementia? That's pretty sad, but it makes me wonder if there are any other TV actors out there who ended up with the disability a character of theirs had (though I don't think Sophia truly had dementia, she just didn't care about what she said and even that character trait kinda fell apart in later seasons. Not that I actually watched the Golden Girls or anything.

Posted by: Mark at June 21, 2006 08:26 AM

actually....teething and diaper rash can be related. My Kid never drooled when he was teething. The excessive fluids resulted in constant diarrhea, leading to the worst ever, blistered and bleeding diaper rash.

You can tell your searcher to use pure corn starch, straight from the yellow box, on it.

Posted by: kalisah at June 21, 2006 08:28 AM

"Detatchable penis dream interpretation"??? Is that like some sick form of Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey-while-sleeping game??

Posted by: Michelle at June 21, 2006 08:47 AM

Paris Fucking Hilton? Hott? Oh, Chris, we need to talk.

Posted by: Fraulein N at June 21, 2006 08:55 AM

Someone should be forwarding these phrases to Wierd Al Yankovic, I'm sure he could make a demented polka out out of them. And now I search for coffee.

Posted by: Betti at June 21, 2006 09:10 AM

I didn't know they all had the same middle name! LOL

Posted by: Maribeth at June 21, 2006 09:34 AM

Oh.My.Gawd. Penis hotdog. ...Not a cockout... Priceless.

Actually, your comments were all fantastic... but 'specially the cockout one.

Posted by: ironic1 at June 21, 2006 09:44 AM

Nothing better than sitting down with your cup of coffee (after spending half the night calming down your three year old because there was a gigantic spider crawling on her ceiling) and having a good ol' cry reading blogs.

I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard. Please share search terms with us more often, mmmkay?

Posted by: mamatulip at June 21, 2006 09:48 AM

So $140 is your going rate? I'll have to remember that...

Posted by: Queen of Ass at June 21, 2006 10:03 AM

I love when you do these! Thanks for the morning laugh.

Posted by: Jessie at June 21, 2006 10:17 AM

"Pooping during delivery. Never ever bring me a pizza."

Nearly made coffee shoot out my nose! I never get anything close to the interesting search strings you do.

Posted by: Beth in StL at June 21, 2006 10:42 AM

I agree with ironic1. "Cockout" is absolutely hilarious - followed closely by oxycontin moron.
I love it.
It's good to have a laugh on damnable hump day.

Posted by: at June 21, 2006 10:49 AM

Gah!!! Too funny! That person looking for pictures of midgets in speedos was me. I needed some clipart for my department calendar at work!

Posted by: Ms. Q at June 21, 2006 10:58 AM

ok. i'm in if i can still like angelina. but ton and his couch jumping, britney and her trailer trash, hohan and her drunk driving and paris and her frequent dress flashings of ... how to put this polietly in comments... nether regions, is enough to make me want to play along.

Posted by: colleen at June 21, 2006 11:08 AM

The fun part is, there is content in your blog that puts you in the search results for these strings. Must have been that post you wrote about the a diaper-rash suffering Estelle Getty impersonating midget taking a bath in France with his detachable penis hotdog. That shit is whack, yo.

Posted by: krystyn at June 21, 2006 12:13 PM

Eh, I don't mind Angelina Jolie. She was kind of annoying with Billy Bob Thornton and all the stuff she did before she started working with the UN, but she seems to have calmed down. I won't make any comment about what people percieve as her "home wrecking" because one never knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I watched that Anderson Cooper interview last night and came away thinking I wouldn't mind having a beer with her.

Is she overexposed? Probably. Do I put her in the same league as Tom Cruise? No, because if that psycho had his way my kid wouldn't get the medication he NEEDS to live a "normal" life. So fuck him.

Posted by: candace at June 21, 2006 12:42 PM

Angelina Fucking Jolie is psycho but really hott. I'll let her get away with it. Tom, not so much.

Me, I just get search strings about pee.

"freedom bath" *snicker* Love it.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at June 21, 2006 01:01 PM

I'm honored with the mention Chris. Sleestacks ... I thought I was the only one in the world that watched that show, and I was just there for the chicks. Have a great day man.

Posted by: Tommy Gunn at June 21, 2006 01:02 PM

Chris, I'm totally with you on the sick of hearing about Angelia crap. AND what's crazier is she just had a baby and wants to adopt again...as in immediately. What is wrong with that picture???? Seriously, focus on the 3 you already have at present...SHEESH.

Oh, and you can add Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff and Sienna Miller to that list too.

Posted by: Michelle at June 21, 2006 01:45 PM

I agree, this shit is whack, yo.

Hey, check out my new site. I am finally free of blogger. Yo.

Word to ya motha.

Posted by: Isabel at June 21, 2006 01:53 PM


Holy shit. I just choked on coffee. How does that happen?! It's not like it can get stuck.

"Pooping during delivery. Never ever bring me a pizza." That is the most demented search term EVER. And I didn't think anything would beat out "Everyone loves a colon scrape."

Posted by: Tink at June 21, 2006 03:00 PM

I didn't want to join (or didn't care enough) until I actually saw Cadance trying to defend her. Especially the "nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors." Closed DOORS? They were on the cover of every tabloid in America while Mr. Freakin' Wonderful was still married!

Now I am afraid that severe over-exposure could lead to Angelina induced Dementia, and I want in the club quick, before I need to become a Oxycontin Moron.

Posted by: Latte Man at June 21, 2006 03:14 PM

Hilarious. I love looking at the google searches that get people to my blog....I don't have any that are as good as yours though.

I'm all for ditching Lindsay, Paris and Tom--but not Britney. The girl is seriously entertaining!

Posted by: haley-o at June 21, 2006 03:18 PM

L'ingOL at "Could it be...satan?" and "cookout/cockout." Nice.

Posted by: Kristina at June 21, 2006 03:38 PM

I LOVE when you do the site stat entries. heehee

Posted by: Lisa B at June 21, 2006 04:25 PM

OMG! Those are hysterical... You know... somewhere by someone there is a song titled "Detachable Penis"... have you heard it? Cracks me up everytime.

Posted by: Karen at June 21, 2006 04:32 PM

Oh.My.Gawd. Is it wrong that I hate you so much because you are so funny???? Ok, I secretly love you for it, but it's so strong it feels like hate. ;) And by the way...little side story for ya: Last night I couldn't sleep, ended up watching old cartoons with the hubby and we were totally talking about Land of the Lost, (he even sang the theme song) and he told me that today I should put in a search and bet that lots of stuff would come up. But I was looking for Dr. Shrinker and Shazaam...oh and the Mighty Isis! I swear I wasn't the "Sleestack" searcher! ahahahaha

Posted by: Kate at June 21, 2006 04:39 PM

I just told someone today that the "People Found My Blog by Googling ______" should be the new weekly blogger featurette throughout the blogosphere! I'm going to propose that on my site ASAP. LOVE it. These are my favorite posts EVER.

Posted by: Liberal Banana at June 21, 2006 04:50 PM

Someone please tell me why the extra "t" in "hott". I neeeeed to know. Angelinga Jolie doesn't bother me too much. What I don't understand is why everyone is so obsessed with her. She is one person. Yes, she is very passionate and dedicated to very important causes. Still, she is one person. I can't help but think that she wouldn't be getting this same type of attention if it weren't for the boobs, lips, and the fact that she is with Brad Pitt. That's the part I don't get.

Posted by: kim at June 21, 2006 05:02 PM

Shut up. I'm trying to work here.

I read and re-read that post and cannot stop giggling. Yes, I've admitted my wonder at thatlaughing that occurs over fart stories, but the "cockout"...well, I'm heading straight toward my most embarrassing experience story...peeing my pants.

And the detachable penis query--that's just wrong.

Posted by: kristen at June 21, 2006 05:29 PM

I adore these. I can't quit laughing.

So sorry, I think the Midgets in Speedos one was me. HAHAHAHAHA

Posted by: Melissa at June 21, 2006 06:18 PM

I need to start doing more interesting posts so I too can get these hilarious search terms. I love infant the home game...

Posted by: Annie at June 21, 2006 06:50 PM