July 07, 2006

Schadenfreude Friday: Schadenoverload

Too. Much. Material. Really, guys, there's just too much out there. It's schadenoverload (also a style of armoires from Ikea). I'll give you a few to choose from this week.

Issue One: Skyrockets In Flight...No Afternoon Delight For You!
Lil' Kim Jong Il. I think I probably made my point yesterday. The famous Wonkette even gave me the nod on this one. How cool is that?

Issue Two: Sentencing Delayed
Yes, folks, Enron mastermind Ken Lay died earlier this week. I've made no secret that I'm against the death penalty but I'm all for saving taxpayers' money. However, I honestly don't take any pleasure in this. As a matter of fact, I'm a little upset due to a nugget discovered yesterday evening:

The death of Enron Corp. founder Kenneth Lay will likely cause his conviction to be erased from the record, experts said Thursday. The 64-year-old executive's sudden death Wednesday from heart disease allows his lawyers to ask the court to vacate his conviction for fraud and conspiracy in Enron's scandal that left thousands jobless and wiped out billions from investors.

Issue Three: Bringing Tanks to A Rock Fight
The whole Israeli-Palestinian thing is irking me this week. I don't live there so I'm not going to make any judgments, only observations. I'll say this much - the force used by the Israelis seems, somehow, disproportionate to most recent threats raised by the Palestinians. It's like dynamiting your house because you found ants.

Issue Four: Someone Needs a Jeff Probst Ass-Kicking
Yet another Survivor winner in trouble, according to the Associated Press...

A winner of the popular reality show "Survivor" was arrested Wednesday after allegedly shooting a puppy with an arrow. Brian Heidik, 38, was released on bond after being charged with battery and cruelty to animals. During the bond hearing in Douglas County Magistrate Court, Heidik told a judge he thought the dog was a coyote that has been harassing his pets, WSB-TV reported on its Web site. Douglas County Chief Deputy Stan Copeland said it was a puppy.

"At about 3 a.m., his wife called to report that he was outside and that he had shot a puppy that was on his property with an arrow and planned to shoot another one," Copeland said.

That speaks for itself, right? You don't need witty commentary from me. My only suggestion? Drop this bastard in North Korea with his damn bow and arrow and see what happens. Either that or strap him down and let puppies lick his face for all eternity.

Issue Five: It's Like The Onion, But It's Real
As evidenced by the stories above, the wires were freakishly hot with news ripe for the plucking. Which is why I scratched my head and uttered a quiet hrmm every time I checked out the CNN site. Among the stories above the virtual fold this week?

- Coke Wants Court Secrecy After Pepsi Tipoff
- Subway Rider Attacked With Power Saws
- Vile-Tempered Bear Cubs Terrorizing Neighborhoods
- The Tough Hotdog That Won't Die
- Ashley Judd: I Was Treated For Depression
- Putin Kissed Child 'Like A Kitten'

And that's just CNN. Damn them and other news outlets for feeding us trash while actual important shit is going on. And damn us for letting them get away with it. Next thing you know, we'll just vote in any old moronic presidential candidate...

Don't let any of this get you down, folks. This morning, after I'd gotten dressed, I leaned over the bed and kissed my wife goodbye. Lying next to her was the most adorable thing in the world, my daughter, sleeping peacefully with a little smile on her face. Take inspiration from the important things in your life and don't be smothered under the weight of what is often a stupid world. Very often, it's a beautiful place to be as well.

Posted by Chris at July 7, 2006 07:22 AM

The Putin thing is just creepy. I need to get it out of my head and not be reminded of it...

Posted by: Leah at July 7, 2006 07:38 AM

I clearly need more coffee, because I read this:

"As evidenced by the stories above, the wives were freakishly hot..."

Yeah. I know.

Posted by: Alison at July 7, 2006 07:48 AM

Oh, and cool on the Wonkette nod!

Posted by: Alison at July 7, 2006 07:49 AM

I could barely get past the word "Schadenoverload". Too funny.

Great way to start a Friday.


Posted by: Alissa at July 7, 2006 08:07 AM

Even more breaking news from our friends at CNN...

"Half-ton moose causing fatal crashes"

Oh, and even more important....

"Sheryl Crow: 'I do think about Lance every day'"

When are they actually going to talk about REAL issues?? *sigh* HAPPY SCHADENFREUDE FRIDAY THOUGH!!

Posted by: Michelle at July 7, 2006 08:10 AM

Damn, I was going to mention the moose headline but someone beat me to it. Breaking news, y'all.

Posted by: mamatulip at July 7, 2006 08:14 AM

I can't help but to go into conspiracy theory mode and wonder if Ken Lay is actually lounging around a villa overseas.

Posted by: Betti at July 7, 2006 08:34 AM

It kills me when "News" show talk about celebrities or when they run idiodic fluff pieces like the story about Putin. If they need time to fill they should run stories of good things that are happening in the world that may inspire people to continue to do good things.

Posted by: Bill at July 7, 2006 08:41 AM

There are days when I really do want to believe what you say about the important things, but I think that, however it happened, I'm way too much of a cynic. I feel very badly for the children of today for the world they will inherit. So much so that I often think that if I really loved my children (being currently childless), the best thing I could do for them is to not have them.

Posted by: martin at July 7, 2006 09:02 AM

I almost puked when I heard about the power saw subway attack. What, oh what, is wrong with our society?

Posted by: Liz at July 7, 2006 09:38 AM

See? PUPPY-KICKERS. Damn them.

That Putin story freaked me out. Then BBC actually showed the picture of him ACTUALLY kissing the boy's stomach as opposed to CNN, who, last I saw, only showed a picture of Putin creepily holding the boy at the sides. *shudder*

The Ashley Judd story seemed pretty pointless too. I mean, I love Ashley Judd like whoa but I really don't care if she was treated for depression. Having people know you got treated for depression is no picnic either and even though I've never been hospitalized, just going for a visit every six weeks is bad.

I also saw a link for a video clip at CNN about a kitten that survived a trip through a wood chipper. I mean, what the mother-loving eff is up with this world?

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at July 7, 2006 09:39 AM

Am I the only one who thought the Ken Lay death was suspicious? I think he killed himself to keep from going to jail....My husband thinks he's faked his own death.

Posted by: kalisah at July 7, 2006 10:08 AM

"The tough hotdog that won't die." Wow.

Real news is, like, so boring. Bear cubs and Ashley Judd's personal life are soooooo much more interesting.


Posted by: Janet at July 7, 2006 10:38 AM

This should cheer you up.

"And now the liberals want to stop President Reagan from selling chemical warfare agents and military equipment to Saddam Hussein, and why? Because Saddam 'allegedly' gassed a few Kurds in his own country. Mark my words. All of this talk of Saddam Hussein being a 'war criminal' or 'committing crimes against humanity' is the same old thing. LIBERAL HATE SPEECH! And speaking of poison gas... I SAY WE ROUND UP ALL THE DRUG ADDICTS AND GAS THEM." - Rush Limbaugh, Nov. 3, 1988

Posted by: ann adams at July 7, 2006 10:52 AM

Brian always seemed like a puppy-shooting kind of guy...i find this news completely unsurprising...

Posted by: ali at July 7, 2006 10:53 AM

Speaking from the point of view of a family member whose Hubby worked for a bankrupt airline (still flying though in bankruptcy), and who has now lost ALL their retirement and the airline is now seeking to discontinue our medical, I am appauled that anyone would overturn Ken Lays conviction on a technicality like death. Guilty, is guilty!
These big wigs have stolen so much from the little guys like us. But do our elected officials and judges care? No. Why? Because they have the best deals for retirement on the face of the earth and these retirement programs are not available for you and me, because, hey we pay for their retirement! And they won't pay for ours.
Ooooops. Sorry for the rant. I just got this news and I am still hot under the collar.

Posted by: Maribeth at July 7, 2006 11:02 AM

Wow, congratulations for the Wonkette link. Well deserved. *sniff* And we'll be able to say "we knew him when..." :)

I tend to suspect that the world has been in pretty much the same state of wholesale higgledy piggledy for the last 50 years, it's just that now we're constantly being updated about it, thanks to the Information Superhighway, and all.

You know, unless you just read about bear cubs.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at July 7, 2006 11:17 AM

I don't understand why Ken Lay's lawyers feel the need to petition the court to get his record swiped (heh, geddit? swiped?) clean. He's been convicted. There is no new evidence that exhonerates him.

Makes me mad.

Posted by: melati at July 7, 2006 11:43 AM

I saw "schadenoverlord", not "overload". So I guess that's you, eh? You're the Schadenoverlord.

Posted by: candace at July 7, 2006 12:04 PM

There's nothing better than when mainstream news stories are straight from the Onion.

My favorite, a couple weeks ago:
Transvestite Gang Terrorizes New Orleans

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at July 7, 2006 12:24 PM

This is completely off-topic, but I just noticed that you changed your sidebar. It looks good.

Posted by: Spring at July 7, 2006 01:25 PM

The news sucks but I'm totally a news whore. I guess it came with turning 30.

Posted by: Venting Mama at July 7, 2006 02:13 PM

thanks for a rundown of the headlines i've missed this week. :) Now I feel like I can hold myself amongst the mildly-informed, which is a vast improvement over my terrible lack of attention to current events this week...

Posted by: suze at July 7, 2006 02:13 PM

I love this -- "Take inspiration from the important things in your life and don't be smothered under the weight of what is often a stupid world. Very often, it's a beautiful place to be as well."

And my motto: approach your life with an attitude of gratitude.

Posted by: amy at July 7, 2006 02:22 PM

The important thing to me is the Oilers winning the Stanley Cup but that can't happen for another year so until then I'll just hope the yankees don't win the world series. Good enough?

Posted by: Grace at July 7, 2006 02:29 PM

Former Enron employee and all, my ex-cronies were all calling each other when Ken Lay died. Ironic thing - although the jury convicted him here, the real trial couldn't be avoided - wonder if he ended up in heaven or hell?

Posted by: Heather at July 7, 2006 02:51 PM

Ken Lay was found guilty but not convicted or sentenced...so basically since he is now "dead", they cant convict him of anything. Those seeking civil suits against him and his estate probably wont see a dime. My own opinion...he's not dead. If he was able to pull off the biggest corporate scandal in history, then he can certanily use his connections to disappear if it meant he didnt have to die in prison and I'm sure his wife and family would rather support that than see him go to prison forever and they lose all their precious assets. He's greedy, and with greed comes desperation.

Posted by: Nik at July 7, 2006 02:58 PM

Oh my god! Shooting a puppy with an arrow????

That is just too horrible for words.

Posted by: Kestrel at July 7, 2006 03:37 PM

PS. That's pretty cool that you got a nod from Wonkette!

Posted by: Kestrel at July 7, 2006 03:38 PM

You must have a good "keep up with the world" influence on me because I read and knew about every story you have up there. My head is Schadenspinning! I'm still your grasshopper, Sensei...Happy Friday!

Posted by: Kate at July 7, 2006 03:39 PM

Wow... it has been a busy week. thanks for your own unique take on the news... you make it seem better than it really is. Cause usually? It just sucks. Well except for the interview with the subway guy... that was just kinda sad in a funny kinda way.

Have a great friday, what's left of it.

Posted by: Karen at July 7, 2006 03:43 PM

Maybe Mr. Lay took the suicide pill...couldn't face the life of a convict...paid off the doctor to do the final deed and make his heart stop so his family wouldn't have to suffer the humiliations for his misdeeds.

Hmm. I do wish they'd cover real issues myself. But what would really put a smile on my face is "man donates free vaccines to NYC's babies this year". Or "Cure found for cancer". Or "rare group of adults admits they are happy EXACTLY the way they are". "Daughter tells her famiy she loves them and is thankful!"

I could go on and on, but I really do wish they'd give us a bone of happiness every once in a while!

Posted by: kristen at July 7, 2006 03:50 PM

And, Can I get an AMEN!!

Posted by: chantel at July 7, 2006 05:48 PM

Ugh. Brian from Survivor's such a loser. What an asshole. I'm so mad reading that....

And, I hate the news. Hate it. It makes me feel all anxious and angry and helpless....

Posted by: haley-o at July 7, 2006 06:14 PM

Here's my question, how the hell does one get past security and get on a subway with a chainsaw? Isn't this a large item, too large to hide in a purse?

Posted by: Melissa at July 7, 2006 06:57 PM

I'll take Issue Two for $1000, Alex.

Ken Lay's fortune was acquired fraudulently. Even though he is now dead (allegedly) his fortune is still around. The money should go back to the rightful owners, those employees who lost everything. His death shouldn't change the outcome of the criminal trial - he was convicted while he was alive and only the sentencing remains. As for the civil trials that I'm sure are in the process of being tried, in my opinion the plaintiffs should be able to sue Lay's heirs. Otherwise you're going to get a lot of convicted millionaires killing themselves so their families can keep the money.

Posted by: Beth in StL at July 7, 2006 07:30 PM

I seriously don't understand the Kenneth Lay thing, but then again I never understood how OJ could walk away from a criminal trial and still be found guilty in a civil trial...

As for Probst, I think your idea for punishment is too kind. They should strap him down and cover him in squeeky toys. And a put a kitten in his pants. A kitten that hasn't yet been declawed. And is covered in gravy.

THEN let the puppies have at 'em.

Posted by: krystyn at July 9, 2006 07:32 PM

"And now the liberals want to stop President Reagan from selling chemical warfare agents and military equipment to Saddam Hussein, and why? Because Saddam 'allegedly' gassed a few Kurds in his own country. Mark my words. All of this talk of Saddam Hussein being a 'war criminal' or 'committing crimes against humanity' is the same old thing. LIBERAL HATE SPEECH! And speaking of poison gas... I SAY WE ROUND UP ALL THE DRUG ADDICTS AND GAS THEM." - Rush Limbaugh, Nov. 3, 1988"

Phony quote.

Posted by: any at July 13, 2006 08:37 PM


Posted by: any at July 13, 2006 08:38 PM