July 14, 2006

Schadenfreude Friday: Be Like Mike

There's a clear-cut winner this week, my friends. No, it's not someone in the Bush administration, anyone involved in the latest bout of Middle-East unrest, or even headbutter extraordinaire Zinedine Zidane. Nope. It's Allen Heckard. I can hear you now - who's Allen Heckard?

According to Fox...

A Portland, Ore. man has filed a lawsuit for $832 million, saying he is tired of being mistaken for Michael Jordan, according to KGW-TV.

The television station's Web site says Allen Heckard filed the suit against His Airness and Nike founder Phil Knight on June 29 in county court, claiming to have been mistaken for the basketball legend nearly every day for the past 15 years.

And he's tired of it.

"I'm constantly being accused of looking like Michael and it makes it very uncomfortable for me," Heckard reportedly said.

Heckard apparently is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering. He is suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the world's most famous athletes.

You, Allen, are a complete fucking moron. Could you be a bigger waste of space? I think not. Let me see if I get your logic - you look like a famous dude and this is somehow damaging so you sue for it. It's really that cut-and-dried? That simple?

Our legal system's arteries are already clogged with the detritus of litigious stupidity, initiated by people who are after a quick buck. People sue because their coffee was too hot, their coffee was too cold, they heard a bad word on the radio, exposure to a violent movie at age 10 caused them to lose their shit 20 years later, or they accidentally played an Ozzy Osbourne album backwards and contacted Satan. Basically, people are stupid (not you guys).

Instead of just being lambasted here, I think we should all turn around and sue Allen for being a dumbass. Or, I could just resume my legal proceedings against Jon Cryer.

How about you? Who'd you nominate this week?

Posted by Chris at July 14, 2006 06:53 AM

Things like this make me wonder where his logic was. How on EARTH can he think that issuing a lawsuit was a good idea?!

Posted by: Emily at July 14, 2006 07:15 AM

Jon Cryer should sue you for being better looking than him!

Posted by: PoeticaL at July 14, 2006 07:47 AM

I saw this earlier in the week, what a dumbass - does he really think he can get $1 dollar out of this lawsuit let alone 832 million?!?

And the report I saw on tv, this clown doesnt even look remotely close to Jordan.

Posted by: E at July 14, 2006 08:04 AM

I am wondering what Lawyer took this case, also what Judge would even waste time hearing the all the early filing mumbo jumbo. Also I think this dude should have to pay all the court fees for a years, fo everybody.

Posted by: Bill at July 14, 2006 08:10 AM

I am wondering what Lawyer took this case, also what Judge would even waste time hearing the all the early filing mumbo jumbo. Also I think this dude should have to pay all the court fees for a years, for everybody.

Posted by: Bill at July 14, 2006 08:10 AM

People like this make me ILL... money sucking, got nothing better to do with my time, jerk offs...
Most guys would KILL to be mistaken for Michael Jordan... it could be worse... he could be mistaken for the other MJ (Michael Jackson- cringe)... I hope to god the courts through out this lawsuit b/c its a waste of tax payer money-
gee, can you tell how I really feel on this one?

Posted by: Stephanie at July 14, 2006 08:11 AM

I know the kind of lawyer who would take this case. The ones you see on the TV. "Let, Lawyer, John Doe, get you the money you deserve..."

Posted by: Maribeth at July 14, 2006 08:30 AM

Whew. I'm glad you put in the disclaimer and you don't think I'm stupid.

Posted by: daisy at July 14, 2006 08:44 AM

I am still trying to sue all the fast food chains for making me the fatass I am today. If I win I am going to have a big party! Everyones invited!!!

Posted by: Jeff A at July 14, 2006 09:05 AM

what a freakin' tool.

Posted by: ali at July 14, 2006 09:07 AM

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate stupid people??
I just don't get some of the things people do, I really don't.
I'm going to sue someone for all the neck pain I have from shaking my head in bewilderment!!

Posted by: Traci at July 14, 2006 09:28 AM

Wow, and I thought the "my coffee was hot" lawsuit was stupid. What a loser. What he should be doing is cashing in by getting free crap from people who think he's Jordan, doing paid appearances as a look-a-like and so on.

Posted by: bad penguin at July 14, 2006 09:32 AM

My nomination for dumbass-of-the-week goes to whover is responsible for making sure that the Boston Tunnel is fit for use.

Posted by: Betti at July 14, 2006 09:35 AM

Shouldn't Heckard sue... his parents?

Posted by: Liz at July 14, 2006 09:53 AM

What a joke. And where does he come up with $883 million? This is hysterical. It kinda makes you wish he'd get into a terrible accident and get his face burned off or something... kinda.

Posted by: Carrisa at July 14, 2006 09:57 AM

I want to sue someone for not looking like ME. Because I mean, who wouldn't want to look like me?

Wait. Don't answer that.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at July 14, 2006 09:58 AM

i don't get people sometimes. i really don't...

Posted by: suze at July 14, 2006 10:01 AM

Oh, man. I caught the teaser for the original report on the 11 o'clock news, "up next, local man tired of looking like Michael Jordan...", and thought it was a fluff piece because it was a slow news day. It was a couple of days before I heard he was suing.

*sniff* Just makes me so proud of Portland... *bangs head into wall*

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at July 14, 2006 10:26 AM

The kicker is that a jury of this moron's peers will likely award him SOMETHING. Never underestimate the collective stupidity!

Posted by: Jaycie at July 14, 2006 10:41 AM

Ditto what Poetica said.

Posted by: wordgirl at July 14, 2006 10:51 AM

Oh no...that is insane. I'm with you on this one for sure...the asshat in the back that is CURSED with looking like Michael Jordan wins this week hands down.

Posted by: Kate at July 14, 2006 10:54 AM

Mr. Heckard should sue his parents for having sex at the exact moment they did, thereby creating the particular genetic combination that resulted in him looking like Michael Jordan.

I can't imagine how a lawyer would ever think this guy has a case. I also can't imagine what judge wouldn't throw it out.

Posted by: Jenn at July 14, 2006 11:00 AM

Clogged legal system problems? Two words: Loser Pays.

Posted by: Ginny at July 14, 2006 11:26 AM

Well, it's not schadenfreude exactly, and I was going to post on it myself, but here's who I nominate: I heard about a woman this morning who had police come to her house on a noise violation. Not bad, but then, THEN, she calls 911 to have them come back...because she wanted a DATE with one of the officers! HILARIOUS!! He came back to arrest her.

"Oh, officer. I've been SO naughty!" You know she loved it.

Posted by: heels at July 14, 2006 11:31 AM

I guess he has just proved that you can sue someone for just about anything.

Now that's not saying you can win!
What a jerk.

Posted by: cas at July 14, 2006 11:44 AM

In defense of Portland, this guy just sucks.

Also, Greta Garbo's people have been contacted!

Posted by: Granola Spice at July 14, 2006 12:06 PM

OK, I may be a little late with this one (so what else is new), but without a doubt my vote goes to Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska. Although I could easily pin it on the people of Alaska for continuing to vote this clown back into office.

But this about says it all:


Posted by: Latte Man at July 14, 2006 12:13 PM

wait, are you saying you think you look like jon cryer? or were the legal proceedings for something else?! wow, i'm confused. back to the coffee pot for me.

Posted by: b. at July 14, 2006 12:20 PM

If you want to keep up with stupid, I recommend Zay Smith's Quick Takes in the Chicago Sun-Times. He features at least one a day. I steal his stuff all the time.

Posted by: ann adams at July 14, 2006 12:44 PM

I hope the judge makes him pay all the court fees and throws this whole thing out. And maybe makes him wear a big sandwich-board sign proclaiming his stupidity.

Posted by: Annie at July 14, 2006 12:57 PM

I totally agree with you about this guy. It is also really disturbing to see how many of those trashy court shows there are on daytime TV and if you actually watch one for 5 minutes it is even more disturbing to see the stupid things that messed up people go there for.
I heard on the radio this morning that a Portland woman was arrested after dailing 911 to have a "cute" officer come back to her house after investigating an initial 911 call, so she could give him her phone number. She was arrested and fined for using 911 inappropriately. What's up with Portland? I love that city and several people that live there. Hope it's not going downhill becuase of these idiots.

Posted by: Sijbrich at July 14, 2006 01:03 PM

Umm.... Shouldn't he be suing his parents? Weren't they the ones that gave him his stunning likeness to Mr. Jordan?

Sheesh... he needs a smack if anything. Why not just be like any other guy would be and use it to get dates...

Posted by: Karen at July 14, 2006 01:10 PM

First off, I'd do MJ in a heartbeat.

Oops. Did I type that out loud?

Allen Heckard? Ick.

We had the delight of living in the Chicago area during what, 34 of the Bulls' 35 championships? The guy is drop dead gorgeous, and his public persona at the time was also dreamy. I totally understand that he's not interested in overweight white women, though. More's the pity.

Jon Cryer is suing Dr. Vince River of somewhere in freaking Montana. I had the opportunity to work with Dr. Rivers - and a whole host of other psychologists - in the late 90's, and that experience is largely responsible for me losing my mind. I'm suing them all.

Oh, and your hair isn't curly enough. Try again.

Posted by: bhd at July 14, 2006 01:28 PM

Last night Jay Leno was making fun of this guy. He said when Allen wins, he's going to send a similar lawsuit to Brad Pitt. :)

Posted by: Laura at July 14, 2006 01:40 PM

I...I...I can't...I...

I can't even think. My brain just liquified and dribbled out of my ears.

Posted by: ku nkiko at July 14, 2006 01:44 PM

Some people are just so stupid.

Posted by: Adi at July 14, 2006 01:49 PM

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and assume that 1.) he is retarded or 2.) he is performing some sort of social experiment and/or making a statement about the legal system.

Or you could all be right and he's just a fucking moron.

Posted by: Kristen at July 14, 2006 02:12 PM

My uncle is a retired superior court judge, my step-dad a former US Assistant Attorney, turned Public Defender and my dad is a mechanic. Seems like my dad doesn't fit into this list? Wrong, he gets sued about once a month because people assume mechanics are crooks (he's actually not, I swear!). But yeah, the sheer volume of frivolous suits I could tell you about... BOGGLE the mind, I tell you. BOGGLE!

I ask you though, if Heckard isn't a fan of fame, what the heck is he doing?

Posted by: Elaine at July 14, 2006 02:26 PM

Hey, Chris; I was wondering if you blog or write freelance anywhere, and if so where? Not only am I interested in reading more of your writing (you are great), but my boyfriend is looking for some freelance political writing work and I thought you might have some tips. If not, I will still read you, no big. Thanks!

Posted by: Tess at July 14, 2006 02:55 PM

I don't get how he thinks this is MJ's fault?

Posted by: kalisah at July 14, 2006 03:04 PM

Well, this is not going to help my suit against Angelina Jolie, damnit.

This guy's suit might have a teensy bit more merit if he, you know, looked like Michael Jordan. The only thing the two of them have in common is the color of their skin (though Mr. Heckard appears in photos to be darker that Jordan), and the shaved head.

But it wouldn't matter if they were twins seperated at birth, this is a nuisance suit and if Michael Jordan has to pay so much as one cent in legal fees, it will a huge miscarriage of justice.

This just pisses me off. Some yahoo wants to get his name and face in the news, and it doesn't matter that he is harrassing a private citizen and costing the taxpayers money to do it.

I say we settle it with fisticuffs. I'm pretty sure Michael Jordan could whip this guy's ass and still have time to make a Hanes commercial before dinner.

Posted by: Contrary at July 14, 2006 03:22 PM

I don't even understand how this works. It's totally illogical.

Posted by: Heather at July 14, 2006 04:14 PM

Portland is my home town. We were rated really high on the High IQ per capita survey. Things like this keep the population in balance. We have really, really stupid and really, really smart.

Another example: A suburb of Portland,
"Lonely Aloha woman arrested for dialing 911 for date with deputy sheriff"

Posted by: chantel at July 14, 2006 04:22 PM

My question is, what the hell would you even do with $832 million dollars??!? I would be choked up with $1 million! "Heckard apparently is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury". And how exactly was he permanently injured? Did another Chicago Bulls player come up and slam dunk one right in his face? What a flippin' ass-tacular-hat. More than likely he'll get something outta it too thanks to our awesome legal system.

Posted by: Michelle at July 14, 2006 04:28 PM

Not sure who I'd nominate, but that sounds like a bit right out of the onion..

"quit pampering me, damnit!"

Posted by: molly at July 14, 2006 04:57 PM

I have nothing to say about Heckard, except that some people have no business using up oxygen that the rest of us could be breathing.

I nominate Kent Hovind, the creationist who was arrested for tax evasion. He claims that he is "employed by God" and has no imcome, expenses, or property.

Posted by: Jen at July 14, 2006 06:08 PM

I nominate my husband for having to go to work today when I'm sick sick sick! Taking care of a baby when you're sick sick sick is the worst! It's THE WORST! BTW, love the phrase "with the detritus of litigious stupidity"--lovely! So, when are you writing a book?

Posted by: haley-o at July 14, 2006 07:13 PM

Holy Guacamole! Thats you!! :P

Posted by: Dee at July 14, 2006 07:32 PM

Not only is Heckard an idiot, but so is the lawyer that's representing him! I mean really - how dumb, or I guess how greedy, can you be?

Posted by: Beth in StL at July 14, 2006 08:28 PM

Yeah. I don't get that either...

Posted by: Lisa B at July 14, 2006 09:10 PM

oh my giddy aunt.
Only in the freaking U S of A.

(and I don't mean that in a bad way just in a 'wow - only in the USA' kind of way. Ermmm ... yeah.)

Posted by: s@bd at July 15, 2006 09:49 AM