July 18, 2006

Dishes, Discoveries and Dumbassery

I did some yard work on Sunday. You know, trimmed the hedges, weeded a few flower beds...that kind of stuff. Then I spent another portion of the day supporting an eager little girl as she walked around the house. Both of these things led to some pain. Not Rush Limbaugh Oxycontin pain. More like a fistful of Advil (which sounds like an old western, maybe an old western for geriatrics). By the end of the day, the social demands of which led me to consider installing a revolving door in the house, I was tired. After Mia was asleep, I crashed on the couch and flipped on the TV. It was then that I received a dire warning from my satellite dish informing me that entertainment was dead and I had indeed killed my television. All I wanted to do was collapse on the couch for a while. But it was not to be.

Yesterday was a Monday, and a nice hard day to boot. I got home and did some full-contact baby-playing. We hid-and-sought, we peeked-and-a-booed, then she peed on me. After a nice long shower, I answered some work email, responded to a few of you fine people then headed to the couch for some first-class vegetation. But it wasn't to be. I flipped on the TV and...nothing. So I bitched about it for a while. Then I took action.

If you happened to be in the Northern Virginia area last night and saw a dude in PJs, a t-shirt and running shoes sprinting around his house, that was me. And as I was running around, silently cursing television, satellite companies and modern technology in general, I uncovered a few fundamental truths.

Fundamental Truths I Discovered Sprinting Around My House In My PJs:

1. I'm vastly out of shape.

2. White Trash Neighbors are indeed moving! Their cars? Loaded with their White Trash Belongings. Good riddance, fuckers!

3. Running shoes and PJs? Not the best fashion statement in the world, leading to possible confusion with the actual White Trash Neighbors.

4. Hedge trimmers? Slice right through coaxial cable. Specifically the one leading from my satellite to my house. Like butter, baby.

Posted by Chris at July 18, 2006 07:14 AM

Oh no! That's gotta be the worst, finding out you did it yourself, after all that!
Congrats on the *ahem* heartbreaking loss of the WTN.

Posted by: Heather at July 18, 2006 07:46 AM

Heh. Now, when the WTNs go to their new place, they'll tell their new neighbors about the WTN at their old place who used to run around in his PJ's and running shoes and who cut through his own co-ax.

And then they will laugh.

Posted by: Contrary at July 18, 2006 07:52 AM

Oh, no. YOU broke it. I always hate it when it's my fault. I assume you can fix it?

I took the garbage down last night and while I was at it mailed a letter...in my robe. So it's not just you.

Posted by: Alissa at July 18, 2006 07:56 AM

Ok, here is what you need to tell the satellite company. You were checking on a noise in the middle of the night, had to throw on your running shoes and while investigating the WTN came at you with hedge trimmers. You ducked and the cord took one for the team.

It could work......

Posted by: Wicked H at July 18, 2006 08:03 AM

I prefer "for a few Advil more." I liked the ending better.

Posted by: Bill at July 18, 2006 08:21 AM

Well, at least the White Trash Neighbors are actually moving. That has to offset the dissapointment of realizing you are the one who sabotaged your television-watching. Cuz dude, that sucks.

Posted by: Jessie at July 18, 2006 08:23 AM

Can your cable be saved? Soon? I hate it when the cable goes out around here.

Posted by: wordgirl at July 18, 2006 08:35 AM

1. no comment, as I am in no shape right now to discuss the shape of others.
2. Hooray to the pending departure of the wtns. :)
3. That's why I always where my berks with my pj bottoms dude ;)
4. oh no! there's nothing worse than finding out that you are the cause of your tv-lessness. hope it's an easy fix.

Posted by: suze at July 18, 2006 08:43 AM

1. You can't be tooooo out of shape if you're interacting with Mia all the time - I'm sure she's a great work out.
2. HOORAY!!!! I'm very happy for you.
3. Rock the PJs! (It will make me feel better about wandering around my yard in a big fuzzy robe every morning when I take my dog out for a pee)
4. Ahh yes hedge trimmers: Friend AND Foe. Respect the hedge trimmers.

Posted by: Betti at July 18, 2006 08:49 AM

Out of shape? I am still nursing a sore arm from simply screwing in 4 (okay, they were each at least 5 inches long) screws into a plastic outdoor playset (one of my daughter's birthdya presents) over the weekend.

I prefer to just tell people I hurt my arm screwing.

Posted by: Kaz at July 18, 2006 08:50 AM

I would totally blame it all on the WTNs. Even the pain and the bad fashion statement. But especially the cut cable. Call the cable company and say that your vindictive neighbors cut the line as they were moving away to get back at you for having the cutest kid on the block -- no, the PLANET. That should work.

Posted by: shelley at July 18, 2006 08:53 AM

Oh no! I can really relate. A day without my satellite TV is like a day without sunshine!

Posted by: Maribeth at July 18, 2006 08:59 AM

OH NO!!!
That is hilarious...Well, the post is. Not having TV is certainly not a hilarious issue. I hope the problem's solved quickly--especially since Big Brother All-Stars is on tonight, and you don't want to miss that!

Posted by: haley-o at July 18, 2006 09:08 AM

Ok, the PJ's and sneakers thing is no worse than me going outside in my jammies, barefoot, with a haircolor highlighting wand in one hand (sssh, don't tell anyone the highlights aren't natural) to start the lawnmower for my son. Really, it isn't!
But cutting through your own cable?? That is priceless!

Posted by: Traci at July 18, 2006 09:29 AM

ouch. when you realize only you are to blame, that is always the hardest truth. sorry about your lack of tv...

Posted by: steph at July 18, 2006 09:39 AM

1) I know what you mean. *wheeze*
2) Yay!
3) I see people going into Starbucks dressed like that all the time (OK, mostly on weekends... and I know we're more casual out here on the West Coast) Anyway, I say running shoes and PJs are de rigeur for the summer house-lap-runner! [/Anna Wintour]
4) Of course. Can you just get some new co-ax and attach it yourself, or do you have to make an appointment for Bob-the-satellite-guy to come out next Tuesday between 12 and 5?

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at July 18, 2006 09:40 AM

See, hedge trimmers aren't exactly the tool I would be going for right about then....maybe you'd want to try customer service first next time....?

Posted by: Queen of Ass at July 18, 2006 10:13 AM

Not the coaxial cable, noooo! It's all better now, though, right?

Posted by: Fraulein N at July 18, 2006 10:22 AM

I am SO happy for you guys that your shit-ass neighbors are finally leaving. Nothing is worse than bad neighbors. (Well, a few things, but not many.)

Posted by: RSM at July 18, 2006 10:22 AM

That'll teach you to do yard work. It's one of the many reasons why I never do. :)

Posted by: Julie at July 18, 2006 10:36 AM

YEAY! The White trash are moving! Did you do a "happy dance" in your pj's out on your lawn when you discovered this? I would have along with a middle finger salute!

Posted by: Lisa B at July 18, 2006 10:57 AM

Wow... so that was you on the tv? Oh, you missed it cause your cable was cut, huh? That sucks.

Can you mangle the ends and say a killer squirrel got it? Or maybe just head to best buy or circuit city or one of the gazillion places that sell the cable and get a new one...

Posted by: Karen at July 18, 2006 11:14 AM

and by the hands of something as low tech as hedge trimmers.... the irony.

Posted by: jodi at July 18, 2006 11:24 AM

That's what we yankee girls (who migrate to the South for life) call a "headslapper moment."

Posted by: PoeticaL at July 18, 2006 11:31 AM

there's no fuckin' like the fuckin' you give yourself.

My DH cut through the cord to the electric hedge trimmers he was using one time. Yeah, he survived. Dammit.

Posted by: the speckledpup at July 18, 2006 11:40 AM

OMG I am so happy for you that the White Trash Neighbors are moving. That is so cool.

Posted by: jenn at July 18, 2006 11:49 AM

As long as you weren't wearing a speedo, you're okay.

Posted by: fauve at July 18, 2006 11:56 AM

See what happens when you do chores?

Nothing good, I'll tell you that for free.

Posted by: melati at July 18, 2006 12:02 PM


Posted by: Heather at July 18, 2006 12:19 PM

Um...oops. :)

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at July 18, 2006 12:30 PM

Oh, that's too bad about your cable.

Also - they're not "officially" white-trash neighbors until they load up a horse-trailer with their worldy possesions instead of a u-haul. ;)

Posted by: Lily at July 18, 2006 12:34 PM

yeehaw! I'm so glad the WTN are on their way back to the hills! :-)

Posted by: Polichick at July 18, 2006 12:58 PM

At least you had pants on. We seem to spend a lot of time on our new deck in jammies in teh mornings. It's fenced, but street level. I think we may be the WTN in this burg. And congrats on their imminent departure, by the way. You should throw a block party when they leave.

Posted by: Annie at July 18, 2006 01:19 PM

4. Hedge trimmers? Slice right through coaxial cable. Specifically the one leading from my satellite to my house. Like butter, baby.

heh... oops. :)

Posted by: Judy at July 18, 2006 01:41 PM

Doh! That'll do it...

Sometimes you just gotta dress like white trash. Me? I like going to the grocery store in comfy pants, my ugly hippie sandals (that are supremely comfortable) and a big ol' t-shirt. And if Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear want to berate me for dressing like a homeless person in public, sobeit.

Posted by: Liberal Banana at July 18, 2006 01:57 PM

We should pool our forces together. Maybe between the 2 of us (or 4), we can contain the pee, the flabby stomach, and prevent such idiocy as cutting coax or... lets say... spilling coffee on ourselves while driving.

Posted by: Brad at July 18, 2006 02:20 PM

Such a shame that you can't blame your lack of entertainment on The Man. Unless, of course, you consider yourself The Man. But, very few of us admit to being so closely associated with The Man except the guy in the Sprint commercial.

Posted by: bb at July 18, 2006 02:56 PM

L'ingOL at #s 1-2-3, and sorry about #4! :)

Posted by: Kristina at July 18, 2006 03:55 PM

Well, you can always tell the satelite company that the WTNs left you with a parting gift and they were the ones who cut your cable. It beats the truth any day. And it could be worse, you could have been running round the house in running shoes and your underwear.

Posted by: Beth in StL at July 18, 2006 04:50 PM

Heh. I'm trying to think if I've done anything like that...

I set the kitchen on fire once, but then I put it out with a fire extinguisher. I think the fact that I didn't have to call the fire department erases my stupidity.

(I was toasting coconut in the oven, BTW. That shit burns fast!)

Posted by: Liz at July 18, 2006 07:28 PM

any excuse for a Rush Limbaugh joke eh?
you're so cheap!

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at July 18, 2006 07:32 PM

OH, NO! Hedge trimmers through coax! That's so very sad...

Bye bye satellite... :(

Posted by: Emily at July 18, 2006 08:23 PM

You should be completely aloud to run around your own yard in you pj's and runners whenever you want without being judged.

When I moved back home after college and some days had to drive my sisters to school I would just go in my pj's.

Posted by: Adi at July 18, 2006 08:28 PM

My husband also discovered that when you run over a hole with baby rabbits in it...the lawn mower will suck them right out. My poor husband was horrified at the carnage.

Posted by: MrsJoseGoldbloom at July 18, 2006 11:23 PM

Shelley thought exactly my thoughts. Blame the WTNs for everything.

But not because they were vindictive, but because they really didn't know any better. Like they wanted to test their Flowbee on something before Pa's head, thus your hedges (and therefore your co-ax) were the unassuming guinea pigs.

So don't deny it. Just deflect it. Problem solved. And a good story for the repairman (although watch for any blood relations between him and the WTNs).

Posted by: O at July 18, 2006 11:59 PM

DOH! Oh I bet you were in a FINE mood after that discovery. I have a shorter fuse for some things now that I'm a parent. That would be one of them. Hope you guys are happy and well!

Posted by: Heather at July 19, 2006 12:19 AM


Posted by: statia at July 19, 2006 09:51 AM

We lost our cable signal for three days, and couldn't figure out why. Turns out our neighbor had mowed right over the coaxial cable and sliced it right in half.

Posted by: ku nkiko at July 19, 2006 12:41 PM

Ouch!! I hope it gets fixed soon

Posted by: Pixie at July 19, 2006 03:39 PM