August 11, 2006

Schadenfreude Friday: Variety, The Spice of Life

First, for those of you who can't stand football and might be tempted to click through to the next blog on the list, let me share with you exactly how much I care about football. I like football about as much as Pam Anderson likes small breasts, as much as Nixon liked tape recorders and Mel Gibson likes Jews. In short, I'm not a fan. So, I'm always a little delighted when a fine-tuned football hot-rod blows a tire.

...according to Sports Illustrated...

Maurice Clarett's bond on a charge of carrying a concealed weapon was set at $5 million Thursday, a day after the former Ohio State running back was arrested following a chase with police and four loaded guns were found in his sport utility vehicle. Clarett's latest run-in with the law began when police noticed an SUV driving erratically in the early morning hours Wednesday. A highway chase ensued, ending when police spiked Clarett's tires, sending his vehicle limping into a restaurant parking lot. Officers said they could not easily subdue Clarett because the bulletproof vest he was wearing thwarted their stun guns. It took several police using pepper spray to get the 6-foot, 245-pounder into handcuffs.


It's also fun for me to see celebrities get a good old-fashioned smackdown.

..according to The Smoking Gun...

Lindsay Lohan's hard-partying antics and recent bout of "heat exhaustion" has left one Hollywood big shot steamed, The Smoking Gun has learned. In a blistering July 26 letter to the 20-year-old actress, James G. Robinson, who heads the L.A. firm producing Lohan's current movie, calls her recent erratic behavior "discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional." Robinson, the 70-year-old chief executive of Morgan Creek Productions, writes that Lohan has "acted like a spoiled child and in doing so have alienated many of your co-workers and endangered the quality" of "Georgia Rule," a movie now being filmed and which stars Lohan, Jane Fonda, and Felicity Huffman.


And what did she do immediately after taking receipt of this letter? Went out and partied, banged 12 guys and did a 12-foot high pile of cocaine. Okay, I made those last two things up. But we'll always have Paris...

Paris Hilton was issued a traffic ticket after parking in a red zone and losing the keys to her $400,000 Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren. And living up to the Hilton family name, Nicky Hilton stupidly asks: "Can I put time in her meter for her?" failing to realize that they're parked in a red zone.

...and then the car exploded and the world was a better place.

Posted by Chris at August 11, 2006 07:04 AM
Comments

Also, I read today that Paris was bitten by her pet kinkajou. Bless you, little primate. I wish I could sic an army of lemurs on Lohan.

Posted by: Nicole at August 11, 2006 07:38 AM

What horrible thing about us/me takes such joy ina celebrity smackdown? Delightful!

Posted by: That Girl at August 11, 2006 08:01 AM

Ha! Everybody loves a celebrity smackdown! Happy Friday :)

Posted by: Nadine at August 11, 2006 08:13 AM

You sure picked some good ones this week. Paris is always good for something even if no one else is acting up. And how often does that happen?
Cas
that's a pretty expensive car!

Have a great weekend!

Posted by: cassie-b at August 11, 2006 08:18 AM

We'll have Paris except for the "banging 12 guys" part.. didn't I read that she's now celibate? Does she even know that word?

Posted by: Kaz at August 11, 2006 08:27 AM

Wow. I'm sensing some hostility this week! I am a big football fan, but I still loved seeing Clarett getting busted. What an idiot. (And a crybaby, but that's another story)

Posted by: Jessie at August 11, 2006 08:50 AM

Freakin' paris hilton...i heard her stupid song once. ONE TIME. and now it's been stuck in my head for weeks.

why does good music never get stuck in my head? WHY?

Posted by: suze at August 11, 2006 09:29 AM

No-talent fame-whores set my teeth on edge. *cough* *Paris* *cough* Hurrah for football/ celebrity smackdowns!

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at August 11, 2006 09:35 AM

Yup - read about her kinkajou too - gotta love that critter!
Was that football guy the one I saw on tv who, when asked how many guns he owns, said "As many as most people own" and then rattled off this big list.
Um, I know I don't make up the entirety of "most people" but I don't own any let alone a whole personal arsenal!

Posted by: Traci at August 11, 2006 10:15 AM

Um, I can *pretty* much guess where she lost those keys. Didn't anyone hear them jangling when she walked away from the vehicle?

As for the kinkajou, does the name Lemmiwinks ring a bell?

Ow.

But, oh, the joy!

Slap em both hard and send them to bed without dinner. Heh.

Posted by: Julia at August 11, 2006 10:45 AM

eek! Before the last paragraph gave me context, I interpreted the "but we'll always have Paris..." as some wistful yearning for the time you *did* do 12 guys and 12 feet of cocaine in a wonderful European City...

It is early and my 1 year [and 1 day!] old is looking for some mummy time so what can I say... ;)

Posted by: Jacqueline at August 11, 2006 10:57 AM

If only.... (car explosion etc) then we wouldn't be subjected to shows like the Simple Life or that stupid song of hers anymore!

Posted by: ::c:: at August 11, 2006 11:05 AM

"...and then the car exploded and the world was a better place."

Is that a joke?

Because you shouldn't get people's hopes up like that, you know.

It's not nice.

...That'd be real cool, though.

;-)

Have a great weekend, Chris.

xxx

Posted by: Alice at August 11, 2006 11:36 AM

I'm sooooo disappointed in you. The next thing you'll be saying is that you enjoy futbol instead and actually watched the World Cup. As Anita Bryant used to say... "A day without football is like a day without sunshine" ... or something like that. Serendity Now!

Posted by: Johnny "Tailgator" Smoke at August 11, 2006 12:13 PM

Well I like football but chumps like Clarett are just proof that someone wasn't measuring the helmets quite right and his musta been a little loose.

And, oddly, speaking of car explosions, my best friend's battery blew up last night as she was starting her car. I was standing right beside it and my ear is still ringing. How weird is that?

Posted by: Sue at August 11, 2006 01:17 PM

Can you imagine being the cops trying to take this guy down? "He;s 6 feet, about 245. He's what? A professional football player? Break out the stun guns. What do you mean he's got a bullet proof vest? Can we just run him over?" There's no wackaloon like an enormous, athlete wackaloon.

And I have to say I'm a little frightened by the blank, no-one-is-home stare Lindsey Lohan always seems to be wearing these days.

Posted by: Annie at August 11, 2006 01:40 PM

Paris has a chihuahua too, which is living proof that masters do look like thier pets. It's only a matter of time before she's doing Taco Bell commercials.

Posted by: dragonlady474 at August 11, 2006 01:46 PM

So many idiots, so little time. Gotta put them all in one Schadenfreude.
Most amusing, as usual.

Posted by: Heather at August 11, 2006 02:50 PM

The prosecutor asked for a $1 million dollar bond for Clarett ... the judge decided more was better. If I find the keys to that car, can I keep it?

Posted by: Bill L at August 11, 2006 03:48 PM

Paris Hilton's pet monkey also bit her in the head recently. Wouldn't you?

Posted by: mamatulip at August 11, 2006 04:07 PM

Isn't it hilariuos how people just can't get enough of them? (btw, you missed Jessica Simpson)

Posted by: Ava at August 11, 2006 05:47 PM

Love the last line. Paris is almost too easy though.

Posted by: Melissa at August 11, 2006 06:26 PM

It upsets me that these people take up space in my brain. I wish I could just forget about them!

Posted by: Beth in StL at August 11, 2006 06:50 PM

Heh. I'm a big football fan, not to mention a big Ohio State fan... but let me tell you that this girl sure did enjoy the fact that Clarett has screwed up majorly and is finally going to get what he deserves for his greed and stupidity.

And, honestly, who needs a $400,000 car?!??? How's about she just give ME that money, and I'll live off of it for a looonnngggg time? Sounds good to me. She's got all that money and more, and she STILL can't buy a brain. What a damn shame, Paris.

Posted by: ironic1 at August 12, 2006 03:49 PM

I thought about this over the weekend and Iím pretty sure no one has ever described Clarett as "fine-tuned." This kid has had problems from day one. IMO "Fine-Tuned, Gone Wrong" would be if Peyton Manning went on a shooting spree after signing autographs for 5 hours at the "Boise, Idaho Fantasy Football and Card Swamp Jamboree"

Clarett is just a screwed up kid that couldn't handle the success and potential that was laid at his feet. Unfortunately I'm very familiar with this type of behavior however mine was always self-destructive not sociopathic. This kid has been given way too many chances because of his athletic talents. Itís time to take more severe steps to clamp down on his anti-social behavior. Heís a bad person, which brings me back to my uncleís saying, the real problem is in the hearts and minds of men.

Look at me gettiní all serious and stuff.

Posted by: Johnny Smoke On The Water at August 14, 2006 10:02 AM