August 16, 2006

Inappropriate Humor...And Lettuce

[Aside: And aside intro, if you will. I feel it necessary to explain that my sense of humor is partially based on being somewhat inappropriate...and random. Like, I'd be the guy who'd say something about eating fried Muppet during my time in Korea in a room full of children for no apparent reason. But I try to know my audience and do my best not to offend, so I guess I'm more appropriately inappropriate than anything. Part of the fun in being me is seeing people react to what I say. And watching them laugh. Please keep this in mind.]

Last night, Beth and I were discussing someone neither of us particularly care for. She's no one you know and not particularly someone you'd want to know. Sadly, we don't have the same luxury.

Her:'s not just that she's a pain in the ass...she's mean.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Her: Really, really mean. She pisses me off!
Me: She's a dirty loose whore!

[Aside: See? There I am being all inappropriate. Trust me, I don't have a negative impression of or feelings for women in any way shape or form, be they nuns or ladies of the evening.]

Her: And? She's a republican.
Me: So she's a dirty loose republican whore!

[Aside: Again with the inappropriate thing. I'd like to take this particular aside to assure you that I have nothing against republicans. Or republican women. Even loose republican women some of whom might be rather, uh, expensive dates, if you get my drift. I know many wonderful republicans. I believe they're slightly misguided but I don't love them or value their friendship any less.]

Her: True.
Me: Now I'm curious.
Her: About what?
Me: About what percentage of hookers are republicans. Maybe I should ask the Internet.
Her: Go for it.

[Aside: So, I really am curious. And I'm asking you, oh great Internet. If you had to guess, what would you say the political affiliation is in that somewhat limited demographic?]

[Aside Aside: In no way, in the previous aside, do I mean to imply that you, my friends, are either hookers or should, for any reason, be more in-the-know about hookers than anyone else. We're clear on that, right?]

Her: ...what did Gwenyth [a coworker] name her kid?
Me: Peter.
Her: That's a nice, normal name.
Me: Yeah, I thought so. Of course I just tried to come up with a crazy middle name for you but realized I wouldn't be able to pull it off.

[Aside: Another key to my sense of humor is understanding when I can't pull a joke off and, instead of sacrificing the whole thing, I describe what would have gone down had I decided to pursue it. Very rarely is there any payoff but when there is? Comedy gold, people. Like Ed McMahon and a whoopie cushion or a liquored-up Gary Coleman and a mechanical bull.]

Her: If we had a boy [this is not a hint, Internet], I think we should name it Sir. Like Sir Lancelot. Sir Lancelot Cactus-Fish.
Me: And if we had twins, we could have Sir Lancelot and Sir Gawain.
Her: But Gawain sounds a lot like Dwayne. So we should just do Sir Gawain and Sir Dwayne!
Me: And? If we had another girl, we could name her Dirty Loose Republican Whore!

And then we had a lettuce fight.

[Aside: Well, come to think of it, it was more of an experiment than it was a fight. We wondered how satisfying it would be to drop - or, rather, propel - a head of lettuce into the kitchen floor. So we found out. The verdict? Pretty darn satisfying.]

There's no chance our kid's going to grow up normal is there?

Posted by Chris at August 16, 2006 07:09 AM

I think "normal" is relative. Hopefully she'll get the best of both of you: Beth's meticulous good-girl side and your quirky sense of humor and musical knowledge topped with a side of, "My parents taught me it's okay to be silly and have a good time. I'm enjoying life."

Posted by: Emily at August 16, 2006 07:21 AM

Nope, she ain't, but then normal sounds sooo boring to me.

Posted by: Red at August 16, 2006 07:22 AM

Yeah, that does look really satisfying. If I tried throwing a head of lettuce on the floor my husband would probably run into the room with the broom and ask me what the hell I was doing. One of the non-perks (or I guess it could be a perk) of being married to a neat-freak.

Posted by: Jessie at August 16, 2006 07:23 AM

Um, I'm not sure I followed your conversation at all! But the lettuce thing looks like a ton of fun! Love the pic of Beth in the center there.

Don't worry, Mia will be just fine. She just won't want to invite any of her friends over becasue her parents are "weird". Well, that, or you'll be the totally cool parents and your house will be full of teenagers at all times.

Posted by: Alissa at August 16, 2006 07:44 AM

If my husband had been as bizarrely fun (or funnily bizarre) as you, I might not have divorced him.

(Internet, I do not have a crush on Rude. I have my own man-who-makes-me-laugh now, thankyouverymuch).

Anyway, I just love the picture of Mia, standing there looking at the lettuce massacre. It's like she's trying to grasp the concept that her parents are a little, uh, strange. ;-)

Posted by: Alison at August 16, 2006 07:54 AM

Well who the heck wants a normal kid, snoresville. I can't wait to see how she turns out. Also, if she needs $$ for therapy, I wrote IF, I have no doubt your loyal readers would hold a throw-a-lettuce-athon or something.

Am I right fellow readers?

Posted by: Wicked H at August 16, 2006 07:59 AM

I love how Beth looks disapprovingly at Mia in the last picture - like Mia made her do it. And the only evidence that you were actually there are your work shoes in the corner.

Eh, be rude, it's in your nature and your title. Sometimes being rude is just as satisfying as throwing a head of lettuce on the floor.

Posted by: Sharri at August 16, 2006 08:01 AM

Great way to make a tossed salad!

Posted by: Maribeth at August 16, 2006 08:05 AM

Iceberg lettuce?

If so, then dying that horrible death was too good a fate for it.

Thanks for keeping the world safe from iceberg.

Posted by: Allan at August 16, 2006 08:09 AM

Nope, not a
She will be so much better than "normal".

Posted by: Jenn at August 16, 2006 08:10 AM

The other day we were talking about someone in my family not RSVP-ing to our party. I called her a "stupid ho" and my husband looked at me funny and said "That's not really relevant is it?" so I changed it to "inconsiderate ho" and it was all better.

Inappropriate is funny. Who wants normal?

Posted by: ktjrdn at August 16, 2006 08:21 AM

This is proof that if Mia becomes a Republican with low standards in her dating life, you'll still love her.

Ok, ok, she'll never become a Republican!

I'm in the law library on my day off. Shoot me?

Posted by: alektra at August 16, 2006 08:36 AM

I wish my parents did that sort of thing! Throwing lettuce sounds like so much fun! Aaah. The joy of simple pleasures like smashing a head of lettuce...

Posted by: E :) at August 16, 2006 08:42 AM

Expect a nasty letter from DLRWCLU.

Posted by: Bill at August 16, 2006 08:48 AM

Mia looks like she just walked in a totally busted your asses!! That or she was just upset that Mommy and Daddy had all the fun. And normalschmormal! Who wants that?! As long as she doesn't turn in to a dirty loose Republican whore you'll be good to go, and if she does (God help us), at least you'll be in the money$$!!!

Posted by: Michelle at August 16, 2006 08:52 AM

Not normal. Excellent.

Posted by: That Girl at August 16, 2006 08:55 AM

Normal is a relative term.
And hookers? I think they must all be conservatives.

Posted by: Traci at August 16, 2006 09:04 AM

Well I can't help you out with your prostitute survey since I don't know any prostitutes. I did try doing an internet search for "prostitute statistics + political preference" and all I came up with were different political figures who were caught with prostitutes. :::snort::: Go figure!

Your rudeness is a part of who you are...embrace it!

Mia will grow up just fine, however she may have a fear of lettuce.

Posted by: at August 16, 2006 09:05 AM

I just posted the above without my name and info...sorry! Hey it's early and I'm not pumped full of caffeine yet.

Posted by: MrsJoseGoldbloom at August 16, 2006 09:06 AM

Growing up normal is overrated.

Posted by: wordgirl at August 16, 2006 09:10 AM

If I had to guess, I would say that less than 5% of all hookers are Republicans.

You know - the whole "family values", "say no to drugs" thing.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at August 16, 2006 09:21 AM

whew...up until the republican part i thought maybe you were talking about me. kidding.

normal? very overrated.
your wife? so gorgeous.

Posted by: ali at August 16, 2006 09:25 AM

bah, normal? where's the fun in that. And from the sounds of things, you guys have lots of fun.

Posted by: suze at August 16, 2006 09:29 AM

not a chance in hell, but she should have good coping skills by then.

Posted by: linda at August 16, 2006 09:29 AM

Ok, I just fell in love with your wife a little bit. I'm fairly certain that mine has no interest in seeing how food explodes when thrown against our floor.

I, however, tried this experiment with a chicken nugget and a wall when I was working at McDonalds. 14 years later... it STILL feels rewarding. Exploding nugget. Hawesome. Seriously, it was amazing.

Posted by: Brad at August 16, 2006 09:29 AM

it's funny. as soon as i read "dirty loose replubican whore" i immediately wondered the same thing you went onto wonder.

this sort of reminds me of the times when i'll emphatically proclaim "bastards!" as a response to things people say to me. it's never really called for and yet i get a giggle out of it every time, especially when the utterance causes the person to blink in surprise.

Posted by: pea at August 16, 2006 09:46 AM

also, that bathing suit totally sucked up all the cuteness alloted for the day.

Posted by: pea at August 16, 2006 09:50 AM

I would guess that if whores have political leanings, it would be Republican, yes. Because women who must work the streets are generally poor (otherwise you'd find some other, less degrading "profession"). And poor people tend to "vote their dreams." They see the Republican party as being the ones who will propel them into riches. *sigh*

Posted by: Liberal Banana at August 16, 2006 09:51 AM

My opinion about the whore/politics debate? I think that most would be deomocrats. "Working girls" so to speak. They know what it is like to work hard for their money, and see many that are hurting just like they are. They aren't "removed" from the people that are struggling everyday. In other words, most probably don't live in the "burbs". Of course, if they do live in the suburbs then they probably wouldn't be considered "loose" (if you get my drift)....and bless their hearts for being THAT good at their professsion!

Posted by: Jamie at August 16, 2006 09:55 AM

Mia's all, "Oh, dear. What am I going to do with you two?"

Posted by: Fraulein N at August 16, 2006 10:08 AM

Nope – no chance at all for normalcy. But that’s okay, because most people’s idea of normal is boring, and she definitely won’t have to worry about that in your household. :)

Posted by: Zandria at August 16, 2006 10:11 AM

"dirty loose Republican whore"...yes, definitely Republican. Only here we call them "dirty loose republican Prozac takin' housewives who go to the crazy cult down the street and strip at the annual neighborhood Christmas party." Hookers? Maybe not, but awfully close! And they all proudly proclaim they're Republican.

Posted by: Kelly at August 16, 2006 10:13 AM

Heh, yeah, normal's no fun at all. Beth really looks like she's having a good time, in that middle picture. Makes me want to try it!

I'm pretty sure hookers are Republican.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at August 16, 2006 10:23 AM

Normal is boring...and your child will never be boring with parents like you!!! However, you may never get to meet her friends because she'll be afraid of what you may do to embarrass her when they come over. As a teenager that will be embarrassing, as a child or adult, that will be fun.

Posted by: Krush at August 16, 2006 10:41 AM

Why would you want her to grow up normal?

Nah... prostitutes are Liberals... get it... hehehehe... ok, sorry.

Posted by: Karen at August 16, 2006 10:53 AM

Eh. Normal is overrated.

Posted by: SMIT at August 16, 2006 11:22 AM

LOL! You're smarth though, we did the same with eggs last year. VERY MESSY.

Beth looks SO great in that picture! She's so thin, you would not guess she's ever had a baby in her tummy. But I understand how she can be so thin: all your food is on the ground! ;))

Posted by: Nadine at August 16, 2006 11:29 AM

I have a cousin who is not so very bright. She gave birth to twin boys. She named one Jimmy Jr. and the other (I cannot believe I'm about to admit this on the internet)... Jimmy Sr.

How's that for brilliant?

And the lettuce thing? looks WILDLY satisfying. Hmmmm... have I any lettuce? Methinks I should go investigate.

Posted by: Elaine at August 16, 2006 11:45 AM

No chance she'll be normal, but she'll be better for it.

Posted by: heels at August 16, 2006 11:49 AM

normal? well, what is normal anyway. but i'm pretty sure she'll grow up funny. and by funny i mean a good sense of humor. not funny as in she'll grow up sidewise or inside out or something. not that kind of funny.

Posted by: jodi at August 16, 2006 11:49 AM

Who wants a normal kid? A fun kid is better. Of course, now I have this urge to go home and chuck some vegetables off my deck to see what happens when they hit the patio, so I may not be the best person to ask.

As for Republican hookers, I bet the percentage is higher than you might think. I'm going to guess 23%.

Posted by: bad penguin at August 16, 2006 12:08 PM

Normal it's all relative. And since she's your relative, I'd say NO.

Posted by: Michele at August 16, 2006 12:44 PM

You guys are so much more fun than my wife and I are. Can we send our daughter to live with you? I think you'll be better for her.

Posted by: Derek at August 16, 2006 12:54 PM

I'm gonna guess that hookers are sleeping during the hours that the polls are open, so they aren't likely to vote even if they do tend to identify with one party over another. Also, there's probably a big difference between the "street walker" types and the "call girl/escort" types in political views, I'm guessing.

Hey, it's just a guess. I swear I have no firsthand knowledge. I just hear things.

Also, I'm with those who commented about the photo with Mia looking like she's just busted Beth for making a mess in the kitchen and trying to make heads or tails out of it. Precious.

Posted by: shelley at August 16, 2006 01:15 PM

I think we totally blew that "don't throw your food on the floor" lesson we've been working on for weeks.

Also, when I click your comments link I get two comments windows. Maybe I am just special.

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at August 16, 2006 01:21 PM

Now why would ya want your kid to grow up and be normal when she can grow up to be like you and your lettuce throwing wife??? :)

And as for the hookers and political affiliation... I have to give you an official, "no comment" ;)

Posted by: Kate at August 16, 2006 01:29 PM

You guys=hilarious. I loved the whole "Aside" theme. Way to go, Ed. ;)

Posted by: Kristina at August 16, 2006 01:41 PM

You've finally found good use for iceburg lettuce!

Posted by: melati at August 16, 2006 02:01 PM

Nope. No chance. But who says normal is good?

Posted by: Heather at August 16, 2006 02:09 PM

ummm ... no.

And, hey! Mrs. Cactus: Why can't I find a comment link for 'wean'? HuH? Is that just because I'm special? Because I don't want to be special anymore. I want to comment!

Posted by: s@bd at August 16, 2006 02:32 PM

I'm a huge fan of random and sometimes inappropriate becomes hilarious. In other words, I love this post and lettuce fight thing.

Posted by: Rengirl at August 16, 2006 03:04 PM

1) You guys are just so friggin perfect for each other.
2) Death to iceberg lettuce!
3) Normal's just a setting on the dryer. She'll be wonderful, just like you two.

Posted by: Heather at August 16, 2006 06:35 PM

I'd say that hookers are Republican because I can't imagine that they pay taxes on those earnings.

Normal is boring, eccentric is much more fun!

Posted by: Beth in StL at August 16, 2006 06:52 PM

I know a Gawain. He says it, Gow-in (closer to Gavin). But his parents were total hippies!

Posted by: Granola Spice at August 16, 2006 07:19 PM

You're right. But normal is highly over-rated anyways! And the whole explaining the part of the joke that would've gone down...I know it too well...I'm the same there...
Cute pics. Last pic especially. Kinda like Mia chanced upon Beth and the whole kitchen mess/craziness and thought "Maybe if I tippy-toe backwards they wont notice"...LOL...

Posted by: Dee at August 16, 2006 07:24 PM

I happen to have bought a head of lettuce just this morning, so I'm definitely trying that tonight!!
PS. Oh, no, wait, I'm way too normal to do that...

Posted by: Ava at August 16, 2006 07:30 PM

Normal? Why the fuck would you want her to be normal?

I am cracking up at this post. Hey, by the way, I have tried to email you back after you commented on my last post, but it keeps bouincing. You hate me?

Posted by: Melissa at August 16, 2006 07:37 PM

Has anyone ever had a "normal" childhood? And honestly, would you really want one? Think of how much fun she is having (and both of you). :)

Also, I was wondering what program do you use for your pictures? My pictures are so boring on my webpage. :(

Posted by: Jennie at August 16, 2006 08:58 PM

All the above aside (the post) why would you in your right mind create a mess to clean up??! Does Mia not make enough mess for you? (hypothetical really)=)

Posted by: Jazzy at August 16, 2006 09:04 PM

looks like Beth won the lettuce fight.

Posted by: Dolly at August 16, 2006 10:13 PM

I LOVE the lettuce fight, lolol

Posted by: Tammy at August 17, 2006 12:37 PM

So you threw a head of lettuce at the floor just to see what would happen.

The hell. Where you were when *I* was growing up?

Posted by: gavin at August 17, 2006 03:18 PM

no chance whatsoever.

those are some greast pics.

Posted by: jen at August 17, 2006 10:15 PM

Nope no chance honey...not normal! Snort!
Which "I" think is the best! Keep being Abbey-Normal!

Why didn't I think of lettuce fights when my kids were little? Oh yeah...the cleaning up thing! Smirk

Posted by: Gypsy at August 17, 2006 10:34 PM

Oy, that last picture is so precious. I love watching Joey look at everything, take things in. It's so adorable to see Mia, here, taking this weird scene in.... :)

Posted by: haley-o at August 18, 2006 03:56 PM