September 07, 2006

Trannies, Tampons and Poles


Hand grenades, quicksand, land mines, rabid chickens, stingrays, falls from great heights, falls from great lows, a myriad of cooking-related incidents, heart attacks and strokes, murder, those evil natural causes, disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle, torture at the hands of an enemy spy agency, unusual wood-chipper accidents - all unfortunate ways by which one could leave the living world behind. Last night, however, I met the invisible foe, denizen of the afterlife, the silent killer. Yes, I stared death in the face then laughed. Well, fell down, actually. That's right. I had a run in...with...tampons!!

Dun dun dunnnnnn....

See, Mia, like any 13 month old, likes getting into stuff. Apparently sometime yesterday she found Beth's stash of tampons in our bathroom. And dumped them everywhere. I'll have you know that those little round white buggers are pretty much invisible in the dark and stepping on a batch of them is like being stuck in a cartoon in which the person you're pursuing dumps a bucket of marbles in your path. I think I sprained my ass. Thankfully, it's not broken. I can safely avoid an assectomy.

In other news, I'd be remiss if I failed to recount a conversation which took place earlier regarding the firemen.

Me: To be fair, I didn't actually call to evacuate the house or move to another state. What I haven't told you is that, whilst driving by the firehouse a few days ago, I spied a hottie firewoman. So, by all means call, if you have to call them to come by just wait until I get home.
Beth: Maybe it wasn't a hotty firewoman - maybe it was just a hotty firetranny?
Me: Well, I didn't see a hose. Of course, "she" was driving.
Beth: I've seen her!
Me: And? Tranny or not?
Beth: I'm gonna have to go with tranny, just because how much fun would that be?
Me: Fun for whom?
Beth: For me, of course. And I suppose for the tranny as well.
Me: If its a tranny, how do you suppose they figure out who goes down on the pole?

Posted by Chris at September 7, 2006 07:19 AM

Glad to hear you're okay after your unfortunate encounter with tampons... I won't even go into the tampon (clean tampon) fight some girls on my floor in college got into.

Posted by: Corinne at September 7, 2006 07:35 AM

Ok, the tranny conversation was just too much!

Posted by: Heather at September 7, 2006 07:39 AM

You guys are crazy. Seriously.

I'm betting Mia set you up. She put those tampons there on purpose and was just waiting for you to fall!

Posted by: Alissa at September 7, 2006 08:02 AM

Firetranny sounds like ... something else. Not like a firefighter who happens to be a tranny, but like some kind of slang the kids might be using.

I just haven't figured out what it sounds like yet.

Posted by: Fraulein N at September 7, 2006 08:52 AM

I've probably said (typed?) this before, so excuse the repetitiveness. Repetitiveness. ;)

I absolutely can not wait until Mia is talking. Given the conversations she overhears, she's as likely to spout off iambic pentameter as pirate-mouthed Dr. Suess-esque rhymes.

I'm excited for all of you, I'm certain that you're in for a fantastic time.

Posted by: Betti at September 7, 2006 09:08 AM

I dont understand this post, and I am glad. Can we have another contest?

Posted by: linda at September 7, 2006 09:10 AM

I understood this post and I'm giggling.

Posted by: ann adams at September 7, 2006 09:30 AM

I just find the both of you quite hysterical, and i agree with Betti, the things that will come out of mias mouth will be entertaining to say the least. hopefully she takes none of that conversation with her to school or the playground, kids and parents may wonder. Keep up the entertainment and hope your sprained bum feels better soon, kudos to mia ;)

Posted by: Jodie at September 7, 2006 09:40 AM

I understood this post, am giggling, and desire another contest. But this time, make it one I can win.

Posted by: candace at September 7, 2006 09:41 AM

Most fire chicks I know are lesbians and all of them take the stairs.

Posted by: Chris at September 7, 2006 10:21 AM

firetranny has got to be my new favorite word.

Posted by: ali at September 7, 2006 10:24 AM

Good thing you safely dodged the assectomy otherwise you couldn't wear the hot ass pants anymore huh?
And yeah - Mia is gonna be spouting some weird stuff at school. Have fun with that. ;)

Posted by: Traci at September 7, 2006 10:47 AM

hotty firetranny. awesome.

Posted by: suze at September 7, 2006 11:13 AM

Well as long as you weren't attacked by scattered adult toys...

Posted by: oakley at September 7, 2006 11:13 AM

Ha! My mom once told me a story of how she got into her mom's tampons, took the cotton part out and slipped ten applicators on each of her fingers, like what you do with olives when you are a kid. She then proceeded to go out into the living room where all of the dinner guests were to scare them with her "monster hands". You've got some really funny times ahead of you with a fully mobile toddler.

Posted by: kim at September 7, 2006 12:15 PM

my cousinephew loves the tampons too. it must be a universal baby thing.

Posted by: jodi at September 7, 2006 12:48 PM

I have this vision of you, skidding down the hall, arms pinwheeling as you try to navigate the Tamponed Hallway of Doom. Lovely.

I'll have to ask my Dad about the firetranny. He's been a fireman almost 50 years. He must know the answer.

Posted by: Annie at September 7, 2006 01:28 PM

Dunno what it is about firemen, fella, but you cannot fight it. Breathe, and know in your heart of hearts, your wife and daughter would leave you in a heartbeat for a suited-up fireman any day of the week. But only if he's suited up, and has the truck. Otherwise, they're mere mortals. And they throw the most amazing parties. Trust me on the parties. You wanna party? Make friends with a fireman. And be sure to have that PBA card with you on the drive home. I'm just saying.

Posted by: bhd at September 7, 2006 02:11 PM

Heh, glad you avoided an assectomy. How would you wear your good ass pants, then?

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at September 7, 2006 02:13 PM

Sometimes, you are just too much. I have no words!

Posted by: Beth in StL at September 7, 2006 02:54 PM

Wow, an assectomy at your age would have been a crying shame. I mean, you'd have to start wearing grandpa pants - you know, the ones where the waist falls right under your man boobs - with suspenders already. And then Mia could never allow any of her friends to see you. Yep, that would have been sad indeed.


Posted by: Evil Genious at September 7, 2006 03:14 PM

silly, of course the tranny goes down the pole first. she wouldn't want the other firefighters looking up her dress.

Posted by: krystyn at September 7, 2006 03:16 PM

Death by Tampon. Interesting.

Well you were all kinds of funny today with the visual I got from the tampon story to the conversation with Beth. And then the visual of a tranny fireperson. Glad I wasn't drinking anything while reading today.

Posted by: Kate at September 7, 2006 03:33 PM

Um...vedy, vedy eenteresting.
I was watching reruns of The West Wing today, thinking about how it used to be good, and how I miss it, and I thought of you and "jupming the shark."

Posted by: Heather at September 7, 2006 03:59 PM

So you're suggesting we all set up tampon booby traps in case someone tries to break into our bathrooms? You're BRILLIANT man!

Firetranny. Wow. The mental image on that one is going to last me for life. I think I'm going to read that to Hoop so he can share the misery.

Posted by: Tink at September 7, 2006 04:32 PM

You guys crack me up!

Posted by: Jazzy at September 7, 2006 06:08 PM

Did the fire"it" have a beard?

Posted by: Dennis Bullock at September 7, 2006 07:58 PM

Firetranny...I wonder if I cna get in trouble for typeing that at work. It is my new favorite word.

Posted by: Melissa at September 7, 2006 08:59 PM

*giggle* I forgot about that ass pants. Tampons CAN be dangerous in the hands of the wrong person. Sometimes with newbies like you, you may want to start out with pads first. (Kind of like training wheels.) And "firetranny"? too funny!

Posted by: kristen at September 7, 2006 10:32 PM

Joey LOVES tampons and pads and anything embarrassing....I'm telling you, Mia and Joey--two peas in a pod. Hope your ass feels better. I can't believe you slipped on tampons!

Posted by: haley-o at September 8, 2006 12:21 AM

That's a strange coincidence, as of recent days, I too have had a drive by encounter with a hot firewoman who does the driving.

Posted by: Chris at September 8, 2006 01:16 AM

I'm sure ten years from now you'll still find tampons everywhere!

I had to look up the meaning of tranny, LOL! I should have guessed it, as Dutch word for it is transeksueel.

Thanks for the laugh & happy Friday!

Posted by: Nadine at September 8, 2006 01:41 AM

This just proves my theory that it would be so much fun to hang out with you guys. Not only would the conversations be loads of fun, but there's Beth killer ass, the making out, and the boobage.

Of course, being able to play with Mia would be a good thing, too. She's just so darn cute!

Posted by: Red at September 8, 2006 07:16 AM

That part about avoiding an "assectomy" was the funniest thing I've read so far today. :)

Posted by: Zandria at September 8, 2006 02:56 PM

I looked up some other names for menstruation today when I was writing my "hot flash" post and found a site where someone said that he liked to call tampons "Dracula's tea bags." How disgusting of an image is that?!?

You're welcome.

Posted by: Liberal Banana at September 11, 2006 02:20 PM