October 03, 2006

Two Questions and a Joke That Nearly Ended My Marriage (But Not Really)

Last night, when I got home, I was standing in the kitchen answering email. It had been a long day, essentially 12 hours of work. Then I noticed the date. Oh shit.

Me: Honey, have we decided what we're doing about our anniversary...and gifts and stuff?
Her: What? You don't remember? Promising to do something romantic and nice and lovely?
Me: *head shaking*
Her: You said you wanted to be in charge, make all the arrangements.
Me: *head shaking vigorously*
Her: Well, now I'm pissed.
Me: Oh god please tell me you're making this shit up. Please.
Her: Yeah, I am. I've got no clue.
Me: Oh thank god.
Her: You either, huh?

Then we were sitting at the dinner table, having gotten Mia to bed, discussing the events of the day - the long, long day - and talking about potential posting material. I was rattling off topics in an effort to assist.

Me: Nicknames! That's always a good one.
Her: But then someone will ask my nickname and I don't want to talk about it.
Me: Huh? What were your nicknames?
Her: You mean you don't remember?
Me: Uh, no. You told me?
Her: I think so. But I'm not telling you again if you don't remember. They weren't nice. Why don't you remember?
Me: We've been together for 13 years. I was listening during most of them but I might have missed something along the way. So, what was it?
Her: I'm not telling.
Me: Okay, I'll guess. Farty McFarterson?
Her: No!
Me: I took a shot. Kids are cruel.

And it was then that I began to laugh hysterically. Now, if you've never hung out with me (and let's face it, 99.9% of you haven't), you wouldn't know that once something strikes me as funny I'll laugh hysterically until my stomach feels like I've done 39,491 situps and vomiting is impending. And though I may, at some point, stop laughing, I reserve the right to revisit the hilarity at any time throughout the following day and often do. This brewing laughter is what Beth recognized, and feared, immediately.

Her: What?
Me: It's been a long day. For some reason my brain just connected that nickname and a list of explorers. I ended up with Flagellan, the farty explorer.
Her: *crickets*
Me: Oh come on. Flagellan? That's good stuff!
Her: But it's really not unless you're, like, nine.
Me: Once again, I have to remind you that I really am a 12 year old boy.
Her: No, I said nine. A 12 year old boy would have told you your joke was gay.
Me: I know...but...Flagellan!

It was shortly after this that Beth left the room. Sitting at the table, I tried to pull my shit together. I took a sip of my drink, thought of Flagellan and nosed my drink by myself.

Come on. Flagellan? That's good stuff.

Posted by Chris at October 3, 2006 07:06 AM

I'd say nine is about right. Flagellen??
I have a young friend that I'll have to share this with. He would probably laugh hysterically. Oh, he's ten. Well, there's not much difference between nine and ten.

But the real reason I stopped by is to wish you a very happy anniversary.


Posted by: cassie-b at October 3, 2006 07:14 AM

all i can give you is that i didn't groan. but i understand the hysterical laughing since i'm prone to it and i get pretty much the same reaction when i'm asked for an explanation. it's gotten so i just say, 'never mind. it's nothing.' if people are smart, they won't demand that i elaborate because 8 times out of 10 it really is nothing.

happy anniversary.

Posted by: patricia at October 3, 2006 07:21 AM

I once shared an office with a guy and every once in a while one of us would make a horribly inappropriate (read: sick and NSFW) joke that would drive us both into the doubled over, nearly-vomiting laughter. Seriously, we would almost pass out. Inevitably, the boss would walk by and come in, wanting to get in on the joke. We could never even compose ourselves enough to lie to him. We'd just wave him on and keep laughing.

Happy anniversary!

Posted by: Nicole at October 3, 2006 07:39 AM

Happy Anniversary.

You know, I'm not usually one that would find that funny. It's just not my style. But here I am, sitting at my computer at work just laughing and laughing. And then I think about it a bit and laugh some more.


Posted by: Alissa at October 3, 2006 07:59 AM

I laughed, but admittedly, it was at Beth's reaction, not Flagellan.

Posted by: Emily at October 3, 2006 08:12 AM

Wow, it really was a long day, huh? :)

Posted by: Jessie at October 3, 2006 08:37 AM

the *crickets* thing was funny.....my husband will enjoy Flagellan. any kind of toilet humor actually.....speaking of nicknames we have one for my 2 year old...shes always farting and laughing about it so we call her Princess Fotz Alot.....what?? we think its funny......happy anniversary

Posted by: Mad Mom at October 3, 2006 08:45 AM

Hee. I am also one for revisiting hilarity. If I find something really funny -- no matter how stupid -- I reserve the right to find it funny forever.

Posted by: Fraulein N at October 3, 2006 08:45 AM

oh and I see you are listening to the new Butch Walker...i love this CD, especially the first 5 or 6 tunes....i saw him in july and hes great. ive been listening to him for years now...how are you liking the new album???

Posted by: Mad Mom at October 3, 2006 08:48 AM

Come on! Fart jokes are always funny! :)

Posted by: Michelle at October 3, 2006 08:48 AM

OK, I must be a nine year old boy because I think Flagellan is pretty freakin' funny. And fart humor always is a big hit in our house.

Posted by: donna at October 3, 2006 09:04 AM

I think the illness and lack of sleep have taken their toll. ;)

Posted by: Traci at October 3, 2006 09:08 AM

Happy Anniversary. Today?

Posted by: ann adams at October 3, 2006 09:20 AM

apparently i'm a 9-year-old boy too, cuz i found that hilarious.

either that or i'm just really, really tired.


Posted by: suze at October 3, 2006 09:27 AM

You must have the same humor gene my husband inherited. ;P

Happy anniversary (?) ours is the 14th.

Posted by: A.K. at October 3, 2006 09:39 AM

congrats to you too... ours was this weekend and with everything else.... we didn't get to really celebrate - well, we had a beer and some apps at Wild Wings at 10pm.... We're wild I tell you.

Posted by: autumn at October 3, 2006 09:42 AM

Yes...it IS good. I know I would have never thought of it. What about Flamerigo Gaspucci?

Posted by: wordgirl at October 3, 2006 09:44 AM

I kept lapsing into snorty laughter last night over the phrase "asscheek goiter". (I'm assuming you know what I'm talking about, since you read Defamer...) I don't know why, but it cracks me up, every time. I showed TechDad, and he agreed it was funny, but he didn't actually laugh or anything. I guess I was channeling *his* inner 12 year old.

Happy Anniversary!

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at October 3, 2006 09:51 AM

Now I want to know what Fish's nickname was?

Posted by: Bill at October 3, 2006 10:15 AM

I'm sorry Chris, but I'm going to have to go with Beth on Flagellan.

Happy Anniversary!

Posted by: bad penguin at October 3, 2006 10:15 AM

What an interesting day you had yesterday. :)

Posted by: Zandria at October 3, 2006 11:14 AM

That's damn funny. Perhaps because I was a history person too.

Posted by: Hannah at October 3, 2006 11:27 AM

Okay, I'm by myself over here so I can admit that Flagellan was pretty damn funny. But if anyone had been around I would've had to stifle the snorts of laughter, because if they had asked what was so funny, well...let's face it, I'm always going to be a 9-year-old. :-)

Happy Anniversary to you both!!!

Posted by: GigglePixie (Evil Genius) at October 3, 2006 01:29 PM

i have to agree with beth, they would call the joke gay.
Although, laughing my ass off that you nosed yourself :)

Posted by: shannon at October 3, 2006 01:46 PM

Um, I thought it was funny. But then, I'm a dork. Maybe you're one too?

Posted by: Elaine at October 3, 2006 03:29 PM

Ok, well I ran it by my son who is ten (and a half now) and he found it quite funny. So there you go....validation. Maybe?! :) Oh and Happy Anniversary!

Posted by: Kate at October 3, 2006 03:51 PM

I'd go with 8 myself, but what do I know.

She is so good. Remember the romantic anniversary you were planning. Oh shit, she's good. Now you'd better plan something.

Posted by: Melissa at October 3, 2006 03:55 PM

You and my hubby would get along so well!

Posted by: Jazzy at October 3, 2006 05:39 PM

Unfortunately all it does for me is remind me of that stupid Dr. Scholls commercial, "You must be gellin'."

Happy Anniversary!

Posted by: Beth in StL at October 3, 2006 07:01 PM

I'm the same about laughing hysterically. I laugh and laugh till I'm all maroon in the face and ears and have tears running down my face which makes a ton of people ask why I'm crying!

Posted by: Dee at October 3, 2006 07:49 PM

Flagellan?! Very good...wasn't he partners with Christopher Colon-bus, Jacques "Cop a Squat" Cartier, and Robert Pee-ry?

happy anniversary!

Posted by: kristen at October 3, 2006 07:52 PM

i must be a 12 year old boy too. cuz Flagellen is funny stuff! Be a great SNL skit too! more like MAD TV.

now farty mcfartson is a stretch. but still entertaining... in a the farting and belching vein.

yea. i laugh at my own jokes sometimes. no matter how tacky that may be!


Posted by: melanie at October 3, 2006 08:11 PM

I found the entire post/conversation hilarious, but then I have the sense of humor of a nine year old boy, evidently.

Happy anniversary!

Posted by: coolchick at October 3, 2006 08:47 PM

LOL. Great post. I'm a giggler, too. Especially at weddings. Especially when i'm a bridesmaid. Really. Actually, it's really not funny.... ;)

Posted by: haley-o at October 3, 2006 11:55 PM

Now I can't get "gellin like flagellen" out of my head. I'm sleep deprived and won't be off work til 6 am, so I will be hearing that phrase in my head for a while. Thanks a lot.

You made me laugh, but I have an 8 and 9 year old boy, so I'm practised in laughing at that kind of stuff.

Happy Anniversary!

Posted by: Nila at October 4, 2006 01:22 AM

thats too good!!! LOL I'm laughing so hard coke came out of my nose! LOL

Posted by: CJ at October 4, 2006 11:18 AM

Happy Anniversary. Mine is in October too. Good times.
And I laugh maniacally when I'm tired. My husband calls me Punchy. Anyway, I love the Flagellan joke.

Posted by: Jessica at October 4, 2006 01:52 PM

I have to agree here.

Flagellian, the farty explorer is hilarious.

(I always say I have the sense of humor of an 11 year old boy, so I'll give you AT LEAST 11.)

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at October 4, 2006 03:28 PM

You have a great blog. How can you write such good articles ?

Posted by: Alex at October 5, 2006 03:38 PM