October 13, 2006

Schadenfreude Friday: Tara Firma

My initial choice for this week was the Yankee pitcher crash in Manhattan. I had lots of good, completely insensitive one-liners ("That one was high and inside, sports fans!"). But then the damn media had to go and humanize the guy. Then I felt bad for him and the wife and kid he left behind. And I figured you guys would just throw stuff at me and call me mean. So I opted for a much more appropriate choice on which I think everyone can agree.

Actress Tara Reid, whose botched breast surgery made her a Hollywood laughingstock two years ago, underwent additional surgery to repair the damage, according to a report in Us Weekly.

In an interview released on Wednesday, the "American Pie" actress told the magazine she had surgery last month to reduce the scarring on her breasts and to even out her stomach after cosmetic surgery in 2004.

Reid unwittingly exposed the disastrous results when she posed for pictures at a November 2004 party and her dress strap fell down.

"I was on Web sites as having the ugliest boob job in the world. I was devastated," Reid, 30, told the magazine.

Reid said the surgery hurt her professionally and personally.

"Guys I was dating would be like, 'What's wrong with them? They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.' So embarrassing, I mean, you definitely had to turn off the lights. And then there was my stomach."

Oh no! She couldn't work because of her boobs? Who knew. I mean, I always thought it was just because she was an underdressed party girl who was more interested in binge drinking and projectile vomiting than she was getting a real job. But I guess, why work if you can just get loaded and flash your ass for all the world internetwebosphere to see? Because I'm sure being an total skank has nothing to do with her lack of steady employment.

Kudos to Tara for going all out though. Britney's a skank but refuses to acknowledge it. Paris is too but, while outrageous, most of her stunts seem as though they're just softcore attempts at partying arranged by her publicist. Tara though, well, Tara's committed.

Posted by Chris at October 13, 2006 06:46 AM
Comments

First off, allow me to congratulate you on not going with your first instinct. Because that would have been bad. And you're good. Plus, my throwing arm is killing me this morning. So thanks for that.

Also, "Guys I was dating would be like, 'What's wrong with them? They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.' ??!

Guys, plural...that she was dating, were seeing her boobs?

Tara, sometimes, it's okay to just say no. Really. I swear.

Now go get tested for some as yet undiscovered STD and for God's sake, keep your top on.

Posted by: Contrary at October 13, 2006 07:24 AM

What, Britney a skank---naw she's just countray! LOL Thanks for the laugh.

Posted by: Nanette at October 13, 2006 07:24 AM

I never really realized how totally unattractive she is. Booty falling out of skirts, boobs falling out of tops, and apparently, a flabby stomach.

Please. I mean - if you hadn't altered yourself to begin with and / or gone around losing clothes, nobody would've known that your original boobs were smallish and that your stomach was flabby.

Is it obvious that I'm not really pro-plastic surgery?

Posted by: Emily at October 13, 2006 07:31 AM

Dude, you get points for a great title.

Posted by: Alison at October 13, 2006 07:34 AM

Didn't we all back in highschool and college days love the totally committed skanks that we knew?

Posted by: Bill at October 13, 2006 07:47 AM

Dad Gone Mad actually has a NSFW photo up of her nasty-ass boob job. And WOW. It's disgusting.

Posted by: Nicole at October 13, 2006 07:51 AM

You should check out Dad Gone Mad today, he's got a little something say about Tara too...
I am so sick of celebrities... really I am

Posted by: Stephanie at October 13, 2006 08:06 AM

Well said. She's committeed...or ought to be.

Posted by: wordgirl at October 13, 2006 08:08 AM

That's pretty poor when your boobs control whether or not you may get a job or not!

Posted by: Michelle at October 13, 2006 08:24 AM

I'm beginning to think that Hollywood is just more and more sad each day.

Posted by: Heather at October 13, 2006 08:28 AM

Total skankdom and cosmetic surgery seem to be the prerequisites for fame nowadays. How sad is that?

Posted by: Evil Genious at October 13, 2006 08:37 AM

The thing I don't get, is how all these Hollywood people keep having wardrobe malfunctions. I mean, I'm nursing and have done it pretty much everywhere and I do'nt think anyone has seen my boob yet. What is so much harder about being an actress and keeping your boobs concealed?

Posted by: Leah at October 13, 2006 08:56 AM

DUDE, that's TOTALLY the reason I'm not famous.
Thanks for writing about it. I feel really connected to you right now.

Posted by: s@bd at October 13, 2006 09:10 AM

Good choice. Excellent title.

Tara was so cute, in American Pie, before all the partying and "enhancement". Really, though, nobody would have known how bad her boob job was if she hadn't shown up so wasted that she couldn't even tell her dress was falling off (or so wasted that it seemed like a good idea to show off the new boobies for a while). I've seen the pics; she really can't claim "wardrobe malfunction", given how long that puppy was loose.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at October 13, 2006 09:14 AM

I guess the weird stomach was a botched attempt to have some sculpting type of surgery to give her the appearance of six-pack abs.

Makes me feel better about my own flabby but unadulterated body.

Posted by: Traci at October 13, 2006 09:18 AM

This morning I read [a story] (the last one on that page, entitled "Wreckage searched for crash cause") in the paper, and couldn't help but think how insensitive and self-serving the media is. Not that I didn't already feel the same way based on a million other recent stories... but whatever.

I mean really, I can understand talking about insurnace if it was a homicide and she was a suspect, but what are the chances that the mans wife and child give a shit right now whether or not they get the $1.5 million benefit?

Outside of sports and politicians, I don't really think celebritys are worth discussing - all they're good for is some 8-cents-a-minute (yes, I did the math - 90 minute movies, $8 a ticket) entertainment every now and then, and the occasional nipple-slip. Which Tara has always been kind enough to provide. Can you fault her for that?

Posted by: Adam at October 13, 2006 09:19 AM

Tara really is committed, isn't she?

I love that you used the word "skank." Twice! The inner bitch really came out to play today, huh? Haaa, "Tara Firma." Awesome.

Posted by: Fraulein N at October 13, 2006 09:33 AM

High and inside.

(snort)

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at October 13, 2006 10:19 AM

Tara's body is a total train wreck. ew.

Posted by: ali at October 13, 2006 10:30 AM

Not to take this where you didn't want to go, but a guy on the radio in Chicago yesterday was talking about how it couldn't have been A-Rod in the plane, because 'he couldn't hit anything this post-season.'

Come on. I wanted to hear the one-liners. Damn morality.

Posted by: andy at October 13, 2006 10:40 AM

Hmmm..... I wonder if it crossed her mind to even out her stomach at the gym?

Yea - it's always good to leave the dead alone on Friday the 13th. Good choice.

Posted by: Rachel at October 13, 2006 10:42 AM

I don't know what scares me more, Tara's boobs or the fact that you trolled around on PerezHilton.com...

:)

Posted by: oakley at October 13, 2006 10:47 AM

Glad you restrained yourself with Corey Lidle. I hadn't kept up with him too much but I remember him as one of the good guys when he played with the A's.

Tara, Paris, and Britney all in one post. My education is complete. Had it not been for you, I would have gone through life blissfully unaware of her boobs.

Have a great weekend.

Posted by: ann adams at October 13, 2006 10:48 AM

I love "Schadenfreude Friday". I just wanted to remind you.

Posted by: Isabel at October 13, 2006 12:35 PM

The fact that you went with your gut impresses me, I'm so proud. :) And besides, I hate when I throw things at you. AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yeah, I really never understood the interest in Tara, I still don't. She's disgusting. I don't know why any of those "skanks" get the press that they do, but what do I know? It's been years since I projectile vomited and showed my ass to the Internet! ;)

Posted by: Kate at October 13, 2006 12:59 PM

Maybe she and Britney should form a support group...

Posted by: Michelle at October 13, 2006 01:54 PM

Honestly, someone please send me a memo when class and dignity come back in fashion. And, by the way, kudos for taking the classier option today.

Posted by: Annie at October 13, 2006 02:18 PM

Tara Firma?--HA!

High and inside?--HA!HA!

Support group?--HA!HA!HA!

Okay, the cover of "Us" magazine (yes, I read that crap..to laugh) has her picture on the front, breasts hanging out, with the headline:
My Plastic Surgery Nightmare--Botched implants, bad liposuction, and a painful recover. "I'll never be perfect again," she says. "But I've got my confidence back."

A little presumptuous on the "perfect", me thinks. And the article goes into gross detail about her "donut mastopexy" (sounds like donuts got her in trouble in the first place with that stomach stuff), and even further with the appearance and condition of her areolas.

O. M. G. They have all lost their minds. I said it earlier in the week and I'll say it again, "People have no shame."

Posted by: kristen at October 13, 2006 03:45 PM

Tara Reid gives skanks a bad name. She needs to worry about fixing more than her boobs.

Posted by: Debbie at October 13, 2006 04:09 PM

I'm sorry, but I have an issue with the article you quoted. Tara Reid has been a Hollywood laughingstock MUCH longer than two years, and it didn't take a botched boob job to make her one!

Posted by: Beth in StL at October 13, 2006 06:58 PM

yeah. i don't feel real bad for her. i have lots of scaring on my breasts from a reduction, i personally, don't heal well. i'm fine with it, i think my breasts are punk rock. but my scars are similar to hers, and it both pisses me off and depresses me when she acts like they make her so freakish. does that mean i have to quit my job? am i outing my frakenboobies here? oh dear.

you REALLY did not need to know about my breasts, did you. :)

Posted by: jodi at October 13, 2006 07:28 PM

I would so love to have the money to get bat shit drunk all over the world like the celbritys, but the money is also all I envy.... I don`t think I even would mind the pictures if I had enough money, but hey every bodu haves there troubles, and issues, and nobydy ever get happy with what they got, unfotunantly

Posted by: VVV at October 14, 2006 07:43 PM

This girl is worse off than Britney. There's like no comeback possible for Tara. Britney MAY have a chance, though. We'll see. ;)

Posted by: haley-o at October 15, 2006 10:57 PM

God, somebody help this woman! I'm kinda scared of her breasts, if I look at them they might start talking to me!!!

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