October 18, 2006

Tattoo You, And Sticker Shock

I mentioned a few half-assed post ideas that, apparently, you're somewhat interested in. And who am I to argue?

Without further ado, I give you a very hypothetical conversation between Ricardo Montalban and Tattoo regarding Asian hookers.

Ricardo: Ahh, Tattoo, my faithful, diminutive friend, have I told you about my recent experiences with Asian hookers?
Tattoo: No boss. I didn't know you were into that sort of thing.
Ricardo: Well, wee one, they don't call this Fantasy Island for nothing.
Tattoo: I see, boss. So, tell me about them.
Ricardo: The other night, I was driving around the island and stumbled upon an absolute beauty on the road behind the Fantasy Multiplex.
Tattoo: The lane! The lane!
Ricardo: Her hair was black, and astonishing.
Tattoo: The mane! The mane!
Ricardo: Once I got her back home, though, she was almost more than I could handle. She produced a length of wood and began flogging me.
Tattoo: The cane! The cane!
Ricardo: I thought I was going to pass out after such physical exertion.
Tattoo: The strain! The strain!
Ricardo: My left arm was tingling and I had to find my pills before any other symptoms developed.
Tattoo: Chest pain! Chest pain!
Ricardo: Yes, Tattoo, but everything was okay. Until my wife walked in while we were in a, well, compromising position involving a bowling ball, a tub of lard and a dozen clothespins.
Tattoo: The shame! The shame!
Ricardo: That woman, I swear Tattoo, makes my existence unbearable.
Tattoo: The bane! The bane!
Ricardo: Anyway, she left in a huff and the hooker and I did a little blow....
Tattoo: Cocaine! Cocaine!
Ricardo: And I pretended to be a cowboy...
Tattoo: John Wayne! John Wayne!
Ricardo: While...wait...Tattoo! What's that noise?
Tattoo: The plane! The plane!

Then there's the sticker incident. I wish there was a stunningly hilarious narrative I could spin for you...but there isn't. Beth, in a semi-sleep deprived state found a sheet of Halloween-themed stickers in the kitchen. Then she assaulted me, forced me to the ground and used them to decorate my nether-regions! Okay, so, that didn't happen. Instead I just stood there, curious to see how this was going to unfold. A little while later it was time for bed and I noticed that the Little Cactus was still sporting his costume. As I attempted to peel one of the stickers off, I was struck by a lightning bolt of pain. But that was no lightning bolt; that was merely the side-effect of a rather powerful, industrial-strength adhesive used on said stickers. I finally worked up the courage to peel the three candy corn stickers and one large pumpkin sticker off, clutched my groin in agony and went to bed, silently weeping. Ahh, 2006. The year my penis dressed up for Halloween. Good times.

So there you have it - two of the mysterious post ideas explained. And, I might add, one of the more nonsensical and surreal posts I've ever written.

Posted by Chris at October 18, 2006 07:00 AM
Comments

Dude. You have issues. (Please keep sharing them.)

Posted by: HazelHazel at October 18, 2006 07:14 AM

For one thing, his name is Mr. Rourke! Criminey.

Oh, that's right. I watched it. I watched it and loved it. You have cheapened the memory of Fantasy Island for me. For that, you must pay.

Mr. Rourke: Tattoo, what do you thing I should use to beat Chris about the head and shoulders?

Tattoo: The chain, the chain!

May the stickers of a thousand pumpkins infest your nether regions.


Posted by: Contrary at October 18, 2006 07:38 AM

I don't think I even have a comment. I just wanted a record that I had seen this ;-)

Hope you're feeling a bit less, um, sore, today.

Posted by: Alissa at October 18, 2006 07:54 AM

Ricardo: The I sat on a block of ice in times square for 5 days.
Tattoo: David Blaine David Blaine.


JOCK-O-Lantern was Little Cactus' costume?

Posted by: Bill at October 18, 2006 08:14 AM

HA! Great conversation...of course now I'm going to have the voice of Tattoo in my head all day saying "the plane, the plane"...

You and Beth think of such interesting ways to keep your relationship exciting! ;)

Posted by: Lisa at October 18, 2006 08:28 AM

Ha! I like how you had to add 'large' pumpkin sticker!

Mr Rourke: Tatoo, help our dear guest remove the stickers from his package.
Tattoo: But, the vein, the vein!

Posted by: Nanette at October 18, 2006 08:32 AM

"She produced a length of wood and began flogging me"

Hee. Are we sure it was a "she," Mr. Montalban? Hee. I'm twelve. And a half.

Posted by: Fraulein N at October 18, 2006 08:41 AM

"Little Cactus sporting his costume"?!
You bent my brain just now . . . probably for the best, but gadamn, I'm going to have a tough time judging appropriate from inappropriate things to post online / say out loud. ;)

Posted by: Betti at October 18, 2006 08:48 AM

And we all think you are
insane insane!

But in a good way.

Posted by: Jeff A at October 18, 2006 09:14 AM

I'm trying to think of an adequate response.

Nope, too early in the morning.

Posted by: ann adams at October 18, 2006 09:22 AM

All I have to say is Ow... That doesn't even sound fun.

Your conversation made me LOL though, fo' sho'.

Posted by: Sechakecha at October 18, 2006 09:47 AM

for once, i'm speechless.

Posted by: s@bd at October 18, 2006 09:50 AM

I'm so sorry but when I stop laughing I'll try to come up with a sympathetic comment for part two. Part one was way too surreal for me but I can see that you have a wonderfully twisted sense of humor.

Posted by: Bridget at October 18, 2006 10:00 AM

I started snorting at "the lane, the lane"...

OMG that was hysterical. Thanks for the morning funny!

Hope you get over your sticker shock.. :)

Posted by: Sue at October 18, 2006 10:23 AM

Nothing new to add, but thought I'd comment anyway.

Hy.ster.ical.

Posted by: Jonathon at October 18, 2006 10:25 AM

Andy, better known in another life as "supreme dictator of rhyming" offers several other rhymes for you...

Champagne, insane, quiche lorraine, acid rain, and clearly the most Tattoo-ish...

Spokane.

Enjoy.

Posted by: andy at October 18, 2006 10:32 AM

Andy, better known in another life as "supreme dictator of rhyming" offers several other rhymes for you...

Champagne, insane, quiche lorraine, acid rain, and clearly the most Tattoo-ish...

Spokane.

Enjoy.

Posted by: andy at October 18, 2006 10:32 AM

Oh. My.

I was dying reading the conversation, and I have to say, all the others that could come up with additional conversation bits are also too funny!

And the stickers... I just hope Beth made it up to you... after she stopped laughing, of course.

Posted by: Karen at October 18, 2006 10:35 AM

Thanks, Chris. I'll sleep better tonight knowing all about this. It was pretty tough to sleep last night wondering...

Posted by: Maribeth at October 18, 2006 10:37 AM

Note to self: no stickers on nether parts, ever.

Posted by: Alison at October 18, 2006 10:39 AM

The sticker ordeal was a little disturbing but hey, at least it made me laugh.

Posted by: VirgoJen at October 18, 2006 10:45 AM

You missed talking about Mardis Gras (Tulane Tulane!), the moon (it wanes! it wanes!), wacky tobaccy (mary jane! mary jane!).

I rofled.

Posted by: Hope at October 18, 2006 10:49 AM

You missed talking about Mardis Gras (Tulane Tulane!), the moon (it wanes! it wanes!), wacky tobaccy (mary jane! mary jane!).

I rofled.

Posted by: Hope at October 18, 2006 10:49 AM

I also, apparently, double commented. Whoopsies!

Posted by: Hope at October 18, 2006 10:50 AM

You do a mean Mr. Roarke (sound just like he would)...and Tattoo isn't bad either.

Posted by: Michelle at October 18, 2006 11:10 AM

poor wittle cactus...

Posted by: autumn at October 18, 2006 11:40 AM

So I read that whole conversation and I did so with the actual voices in my head. Wow, you have quite an imagination. I was trying to think of something witty to say, but I just can't seem to muster up anything this morning. Although, I'm still waiting on those pictures. C'mon, you know you took pictures! ;)

Posted by: Kate at October 18, 2006 12:05 PM

Anytime I need rhyme ideas for a song, I'm totally coming to you now. ;-)
And, uh, sorry about wee cactus. Hope he's feeling better. (please, no need to respond to the latter part.)

Posted by: Heather at October 18, 2006 12:45 PM

:D

Posted by: anita at October 18, 2006 01:05 PM

And I thought I would have to disown you after your Asian hooker conversation. (You know my stand on that topic.) But, you did good, Cactus. You did good.

As for the stickers. Now you know what bikini waxing feels like.

Posted by: oakley at October 18, 2006 01:22 PM

You'd think they'd put a warning label on those stickers or something!

Don't know if Mr. Roarke and Tattoo could talk about Batman any. Bruce Wayne! Bruce Wayne! Of course, you already thought of John Wayne, so what I came up with is So lame! So lame!

Posted by: Beth in StL at October 18, 2006 01:44 PM

Wow. Penis costumes. That might beat my Turkey Testicle Festival diatribe. :)

Posted by: Laura at October 18, 2006 01:53 PM

THis made me laugh out loud. As in spitting my water out at the monitor. Thanks for doing this post. Whew... I'm out of breath from laughing.

Posted by: Lisa B at October 18, 2006 03:13 PM

THis made me laugh out loud. As in spitting my water out at the monitor. Thanks for doing this post. Whew... I'm out of breath from laughing.

Posted by: Lisa B at October 18, 2006 03:13 PM

THis made me laugh out loud. As in spitting my water out at the monitor. Thanks for doing this post. Whew... I'm out of breath from laughing.

Posted by: Lisa B at October 18, 2006 03:13 PM

OMG, I don't know which story was funnier!! You have GOT to keep these stories coming - I'm hooked!

Posted by: GigglePixie (Evil Genius) at October 18, 2006 03:13 PM

The pain! The pain! Hope you're healed now. :)

Posted by: Heather at October 18, 2006 08:52 PM

LOVE surrealism! ;) This was hilarious! Brilliant dialoguing, simply brilliant! What an imagination, too: "bowling ball, a tub of lard and a dozen clothespins"? -- I can only imagine!

Posted by: haley-o at October 19, 2006 12:48 AM

*snort*

LOVED the dialogue! of course it drove me to drink..."the grain, the grain"...which most certainly was responsible for my headache..."the migraine, the migraine"...and you know what happens when my head hurts..."abstain, abstain"...

You're the best!

Posted by: kristen at October 19, 2006 07:03 AM

I never knew you were such a good rhymer. :)

Sorry to hear about your nether regions. Hope all has recovered.

Posted by: Zandria at October 19, 2006 11:02 AM

TMI! TMI! (Oh, please, please keep sharing!)

Posted by: ironic1 at October 19, 2006 07:35 PM

I secretly willed you to elaborate on the Boss/Tattoo conversation. Thank you for getting the telepathic message. It was better than I anticipated. You should copyright that. It's priceless. Thumbs up!

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You know, my mom used to let me stay up just late enough to watch "the plane, the plane" part of that show. Your dialogue is like some surrealist retelling of everything I know about Fantasy Island!

TechDad has pre-emptively informed me that I am not allowed to decorate his nether regions. Just in case. Hope you're healing!

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