December 07, 2006
The Great Tagline Smackdown Of 2006
I've been online now for three and a half years. Since that time, I've hopefully become a better writer and come up with more amusing stuff but some things haven't changed. Like the design of the site or the taglines I use. Depending on when you've visited, you've seen one of two titles:
...in a world full of pricks, there's only one rude cactus
...putting the suck in succulent
And it's time for those to change. Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and I hope you do, because frankly I'm stuck and I need to borrow your brains)? Come up with a new tagline for Rude Cactus (I'm not one of those freaky people who refers to himself in the third person - I'm talking about the site). The rules? There are no rules. Make something up. Be witty. Be creative. Be silly.
Third Place: The third place winner will become the proud owner of a genuine Rude Cactus compilation CD. Nice, huh?
Second Place: The fine upstanding reader who enters the second place entry will win an autographed first edition copy of Stephen King's latest, Lisey's Story. Sure, in all likelihood, the book won't actually be signed by the author. Instead the signature might be from yours truly but we somehow ended up with two copies so don't argue. It's free. I've heard that the book isn't all that great so maybe Mia will illustrate it for you. In addition, second place will net you a two-disc customized genuine Rude Cactus compilation.
First Place: The author of the winning entry will win a prize so insanely mindblowing that I'm keeping it a surprise. Suffice it to say, if you don't play along and, therefore, blow your chance of winning, you'll be kicking yourself in the ass and that's no easy feat. Plus, you can really pull something doing that. I'll give you a hint - it's not a puppy. It's not a hooker either. Sorry.
Winners will be announced next Thursday so comment here or send me an email with your entry. You can enter as often as you want so don't be shy.
Obligatory Fine Print: All entries become the property of Rude Cactus Worldwide Enterprises, a division of Cactus-Fish Partners Ltd., a subsidiary of Big Brother & The Holding Company. Members of the Cactus-Fish family are not eligible. Nor are Bill O'Reilly (don't like him), George Bush (not a big fan either), Paris Hilton (skanky), Britney Spears (similarly skanky), Jim Morrison (dead), Liberace (also dead) or Elvis Aaron Presley (missing). All entries must be submitted by midnight December 14, 2006.
Posted by Chris at December 7, 2006 07:00 AM
Keeping in mind I've had not a drop of coffee yet....
Rude Cactus, Rudimentarily Prickly
Yea I know, don't quit my day job. Off in search of caffeine!
Rude Cactus............Tequila's Proud Daddy.
"Elvis Aaron Presley (missing)."
I'll have to think about this whole tagline thing. Did you mention a deadline?
Dude, my brain is fried (well it's only 8 am, so can you blame me?) I'll have to get back with you on this...
Rude Cactus, putting the spin in spines or putting the spine into spin.
Sorry I have another....Rude Cactus, Pretty to look at but hard to handle.
The first and only thing that's coming to me right now isn't at all original and won't win me any prisez but I'm overly (and ridiculously) fond of "This is not a sermon, just a thought." I'm embarrassed to tell you how often I use that in real life. I'll see if I come up with something that actually, you know, fits with the site and get back to you.
But in the rare (uhm, most likely) chance that I don't, can I still win something? Because I'm tired of doing this kind of thing and not winning anything. Now a better person would just try harder, but I've already established time and time again that I'm no good so I've decided to just start asking for shit. What's the worst that can happen, right? People will say no and then I'll cry a little (don't you feel sad for me now) and then a shiny piece of dust will catch my eye and all will be forgotten so really, it's like no trouble at all. Unlike you having to actually read this inane comment. I'm almost tempted to keep going to see how far I can take this silliness.
Or not. Happy Thursday! ♥
Rude Cactus...prickly, but in a good way.
OK, it depends what you're going for...
Rude Cactus... pointedly irreverant
Rude Cactus... pointedly irrelevant
or possibly some combination of those two, such as
Rude Cactus... pointedly irreverant and irrelevant
and finally, the one that made me laugh out loud when I thought it:
Rude Cactus... just like a porcupine, but without a heart
(not that it's accurate, but then again, neither is the part about you being a prick)
"Rude Cactus - A Prickly Pair [sic] Since 1972"
"Sticks you where the sun don't shine."
(One "a" in Elvis's middle name, because I am a nerdy stickler.)
Also, "Pointedly suggestive."
I like a little spin on the whole "I have learned the difference between a cactus and a caucus. On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside." said by Morris Udall.
So, my suggestion is....
Rude Cactus - where all the pricks are on the outside!
"Sticking it to the man since 2003."
Rude Cactus - Leading the fight against asshats since 2003
rude cactus: dropping it like it's hott
rude cactus: neither rude nor a cactus. discuss. (okay. that's not a good one but it made me giggle)
rude cactus: taking on the world one prick at a time
man. i suck at this. no wonder i never win jack. bother.
Well, I was going to enter, but if I can't win a puppy or a hooker? I'm totally not going to bother.
Brainless today. It's too early on this coast.
Lisey's Story wasn't bad but not up to his earlier stuff.
"Rude Cactus: What normal would be if normal were something else."
I like 'in a world full of pricks' yadda yadda ...
What's wrong with that one?!
(I fear change.)
I've always liked the quote from So I Married An Axe Murderer
"It's like Sputnik- spherical, yet quite pointy in parts" best said with a Scottish accent
Rude Cactus...Get the Point!
Heck if I was good at coming up with slogans I would already be working at an ad agency...lol
...or just the last half...
Rude Cactus: Spherical, Yet Quite Pointy In Parts
Rude Cactus: The Dirty, Dirty Whore.
Rude Cactus: A Prick In your Asshat.
Rude Cactus: Fuck you, republicans.
Oh I don't know. I'm high on Rubistussin right now so I can't really tell ya. ;-)
If it's not a hooker then I'm out.
But, what the hell. 'storing liquids since 1986'. That's what I'm bringin'.
I have two:
Rude Cactus: Poking You In the Eye (because you know you like it)
Rude Cactus: Prickly on the outside, Soothing on the inside... (know...like aloe).
...poking you in the eye since 2003.
... taking pleasure in the pain of asshats since 2003.
Sorry, it's all I've got.
Rude Cactus, Dude Smacked Us.
(Geez, I suck at this.)
Rude Cactus, Just Another Coffee Achiever
(I really suck. Maybe I'll try again later. Or not.)
Rude Cactus: Not just a little prick.
Rude Cactus: Asshat free since 2003
Yeah, I'm home sick, spent the whole morning sleeping and then woke up to the realization that our bedroom doorknob was busted and I was locked in. Not bringing my A-Game today. :p
I had to come back.
Rude Cactus....it is better than Polite Cacti.
Rude Cactus....Green, prickly and oozing.
Rude Cactus....Hookers, Midgets and goats. (I just had to throw that in there.
Rude Cactus...sublime yet sharp
Rude Cactus...just another prick with an attitude (sorry, couldn't resist the pun...but don't believe it)
I'll keep thinking...after all in one of my past lives, I was a copywriter.
Rude Cactus: Polite is for Ferns
Rude Cactus: That's Not Jelly
Rude Cactus: A Few Pricks Short of Cacti
Rude Cactus: I'm Flowering on the Inside
Rude Cactus: Big Prick, Shallow Roots
Rude Cactus: Crude. Act. Us?
Rude Cactus: World's Biggest Fan of Honea Express
I either have a million of 'em, or I've got nothing. You decide!
Two Words: Cocktastic!
Of course it makes no sense, that's the beauty of it.
Rude Cactus :: 20% more and prick-a-licious
I don't know why I didn't sit and think about these things and post one comment. I'm retarded.
Rude Cactus:: Now with 20% more prick.
Okay, these all suck, they are just plays on your original slogan which is much better.
I'm the weakest link, goodbye.
Rude Cactus - A Prick You Won't Soon Forget.
Rude Cactus - The Prick Hurts So Good.
Rude Cactus - Because Polite Prick is an Oxymoron.
Oy! I come to read, and I get an assignment?
Rude Cactus: Sharp, succulent, and often ornamental.
Rude Cactus: Sharp and dry.
Rude Cactus: I've got a million points.
Rude Cactus: Tall, green, and handsome.
You just did this so you could laugh at all of us, didn't you?
Rude Cactus: 100% Dry Prickly Wit
Rude Cactus: Pricks, Politics and Parenthood
Rude Cactus: Prickly on the outside, Rude on the Inside
That's all I've got for now. :)
Rude Cactus - Throwing jabs for your amusement
Rude Cactus - The drink you'd order if you were a REAL man
Rude Cactus - Out of the desert and into your living room
Rude Cactus: Putting thorns in the socks of stupidity.
Rude Cactus: Sticking it to the man, one prick at a time.
Rude Cactus: I got more posts than Denny's got hosts.
Rude Cactus :: Don't come here looking for a courteous houseplant.
Pokey and prickly, but oh so succulent.
(Didn't read the rest, so maybe I repeated.)
Rude Cactus - home of the free middle finger.
Rude Cactus - the giant spiky thing you read.
Rude Cactus - lots of nice sand and one rude little man. (no offense!)
Rude Cactus - isn't it ironic, don't you think?
Rude Cactus - effective figure of speech user since 2003.
i'd just like you to know, i was going to come up with a witty one for you, but then somehow i ended up doing a google search for types of cactus, and while exploring the results, i found that some obscure cactus website had stolen a pic of a saguaro cactus from my flickr set without permission or credit to me! FUCK!
Rude Cactus- Please Don't Sit On Me.
i'm too flustered to be witty now. :)
Rude Cactus: Better than an angry beaver.
I don't know where that came from, but it sounded funny. ^_^
"Rude Cactus: Warm and Stabby"
"Rude Cactus: Hot and Sharp"
"Rude Cactus: My prick brings all the girls to the yard"
"Rude Cactus: Surround yourself with my prick"
"Rude Cactus: One. Big. Prick."
"Rude Cactus: A Rockin', Unique Diversion from the Other Pricks in Your Life"
Rude Cactus~I came, I saw, I pricked.
"Don't worry, it's just a little prick."
I've been thinking ("thinking") all day, and have yet to come up with anything. Maybe I'll be brighter tomorrow? (I can hope, right?)
Ohhhh I'll have to think about this and get back to you, but it's a great idea.
"It's never funny until someone loses an eye..."
Close your eyes and visualize this one, ready?
the "intel inside" logo... replace intel with prick.. nothing personal!!! :-)
Now, you might feel a slight prick
Here are a couple:
Rude Cactus - Just like peyote, but legal.
Rude Cactus - Dry, prickly, and a bit impolite.
Rude Cactus~I don't give away hookers or puppies
In case you want second opinions...you had MANY funny ones (not mine) but my fave, the one that made me laugh out loud the loudest was...
"Rude Cactus: My prick brings all the girls to the yard" ~By Karen
You didn't specify in your fine print whether or not you had to be a resident of the united states to enter, so before I start trying to get my brain firing, just how far across the world are you willing to send these prizes? :)
I'm sorry, Chris! I cannot accept this mission because a) it's late and I'm exhausted and don't think at this hour, and b) because I SUCK at taglines. Maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow, though.
Rude Cactus: A Crude Practice
*shrugs* Ok, I tried. :)
[Yes, well I have toddler brain too as you know. ;)]
Rude Cactus- Because Mean Prick was too obvious!
Rude Cactus- Go ahead, touch it, I dare you!
Rude Cactus- Kicken ass and pricking Republicans
I thought of more
Rude Cactus- Reading, Rocking, and bashing politicians.
Rude Cactus- My kid thinks I'm cool so shut-up!
Rude Cactus- Could someone light a match please?
I think I should stop now!
Ok...now I'm irritated...why did you have to turn it into a contest? Now, my creativity has gone down the toilet, LOL as if I had any to begin with. :P If it wouldn't have been a contest, I would have a page of ideas, but, alas--nothing. At least I have time :)
And I see that Ann Coulter is eligible...hmmmm
I wish that I had the greatest idea for your new line. But I don't. Sorry. I would have liked to hear that third prize.
Rude Cactus - a thorn between two roses
Rude Cactus-Because what else do you have to do first thing in the morning?
Rude Cactus-a subdivision of Cactus-Fish Enterprises
Rude Cactus: Giving you the big one since 2003.
Rude Cactus: Stroke with care
Rude Cactus: sharp, erect and to the point
Hey, since I can't think of anything, I've just been staring at the post for a while and I noticed something: You said you'll announce the winners next Thursday, but your contest doesn't end until Thursday night. I'm guessing that wasn't intentional...
World Lego Spitting Champion
Rude Cactus: 1000 points of "ouch"
Rude Cactus: Water it down too much and it dies
I guess these aren't really tag lines, I just liked them. They're anagrams for "Mia Beth Chris"
-A Birth Chimes
-Bra ethics, him?
-Bra itches him
-Ha, besmirch it
-Harsh mice bit
-RAM bitch, he is
Rude Cactus: I'll update my blogroll when hell freezes over.
send me my prize
Rude Cactus: Revel (rebel) in the Heat
Throwing barbs one prick at a time.
Politeness is overrated.
Why should all the pricks get the water?
(Gosh, these all make you sound kind of mean. Which you are not!)
Now for that final prize... it's a hooker puppy, isn't it?! (EW!)
Rude Cactus - So a fish and a cactus walk into a bar...
Rude Cactus - King of stating the obvious.
Rude Cactus - now isn't that special?
Rude Cactus - now in extra strength.
Rude Cactus - is it in you?
Rude Cactus - the quicker picker upper.
I'm starting to think I should quit my day job...writing is much funner.
Ooh, one more:
Rude Cactus - now extra mild
Rude Cactus: Bringing the Pain since 2003.
Rude Cactus: I told you to wear gloves!
Rude Cactus: 1,000 points of light--er--pain.
Rude Cactus: I 'aint sayin' he's a golddigger...
Rude Cactus: Straight up! no lemon or salt.
Rude Cactus: Up Yours! (this one sounds like a Nike ad!
Rude Cactus: Cute as crud
it's an anagram... that's all I got after reading all the really good ones already here.
I'm feeling quite Liberal right now so....
Rude Cactus.... I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass.
Rude Cactus.... I hate Bush before it was cool.
Rude Cactus.... This is what Liberal looks like.
Yeah I know crappy and you don't run a political website thingy but after listening to 2 hours of bush bashing its all that came to mind. Maybe something better later.
rude cactus: pointing out the stupid because it's fun
Not feeling very creative but:
Rude Cactus: Cacti Fun Guy
I know, I know. (hangs head)
Rude Cactus: Right to the point
Rude Cactus: Funny and friendly in a prickly sort of way
Rude Cactus: One read and you're stuck
OK, I think I'm done...I have much more boring (papers) things to write this week.
Haven't read any other suggestions yet... but here goes:
Rude Cactus: Standing tall and hard since 2002
rude cactus: home of the smoking hot ass
okay, again, not really something that can be used but i just like saying smoking hot ass.
i promise the next submission (should there be one) will totally be for real.
Here are some more I thought of
Rude Cactus ... Have You hugged your cactus today?
Rude Cactus ... Louder and Prouder than ever.
Rude Cactus ... The Memories. The Madness. The Music.
Rude Cactus...spiked extra hard for your reading enjoyment.
Rude Cactus...prickly but lovable.
You've got some good ones here. Although I do like your original.
I woke during the night with the idea. I don't know where it came from. And it is rude.
Take a ride. Strap one one.
Forgive me. I really don't know what that's all about.
Don't have a tag line, but I found a funny picture...
Just a few as I come up for air from finals. Some are long. I apologize, I'm writing law school finals.
Rude Cactus - Schadenfreude: it's not just for Asshats anymore
Rude Cactus - Another Camera-Happy Dad, but good at it
Rude Cactus - What's an audioblog?
Rude Cactus - Writer, Photographer, Donut Consumer
Rude Cactus - Husband to an awesome Wife, Father to the sweetest girl, and he will have his revenge... on Asshats
Rude Cactus - Giving Three Shits, Thank You.
Rude Cactus - Even Eeyore Needs to Get Buzzed
Rude Cactus - My Girls are Cuter than Yours
So one of these might be a hint, but it's up to you to decide.
And let me say that the last 200 pages of Lisey's Story do get better. Though if I win 2nd place, I'd rather have a picture Mia drew.
Hmm, I have been thinking about this for days, but don't think I have anything better than some of the comments I've read. You have some creative readers.
Anyway, here are my suggestions:
Rude Cactus - spiky yet satisfying
Rude Cactus - now with extra caffeine
Rude Cactus - the softer side of spiky
Well, at least I tried :)
OK one last stab (pun intended) before closing:
Rude Cactus... your mother lied to you when she said it'd make you go blind
Rude Cactus... where I let the voices in my head roam free
Rude Cactus... Haiku, Schadenfreude, and other words Dan Quayle can't spell
Rude Cactus... Haiku, Schadenfreude, and other words Republicans can't spell
and not sure how it'd work into either "rude" or "cactus" but I thought you'd appreciate this: "statistics are like bikinis; what they show is exciting, but what they hide is crucial"
Rude Cactus - All your base are belong to us
Rude Cactus - Getting down to mass lax
Rude Cactus - The thinking cap is ON
Rude Cactus - Wearing the pants
Rude Cactus..."I reject your reality and substitute my own"
..."Reprocessing reality since 2003"
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