December 07, 2006

The Great Tagline Smackdown Of 2006

I've been online now for three and a half years. Since that time, I've hopefully become a better writer and come up with more amusing stuff but some things haven't changed. Like the design of the site or the taglines I use. Depending on when you've visited, you've seen one of two titles: a world full of pricks, there's only one rude cactus
...putting the suck in succulent

And it's time for those to change. Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and I hope you do, because frankly I'm stuck and I need to borrow your brains)? Come up with a new tagline for Rude Cactus (I'm not one of those freaky people who refers to himself in the third person - I'm talking about the site). The rules? There are no rules. Make something up. Be witty. Be creative. Be silly.

Third Place: The third place winner will become the proud owner of a genuine Rude Cactus compilation CD. Nice, huh?

Second Place: The fine upstanding reader who enters the second place entry will win an autographed first edition copy of Stephen King's latest, Lisey's Story. Sure, in all likelihood, the book won't actually be signed by the author. Instead the signature might be from yours truly but we somehow ended up with two copies so don't argue. It's free. I've heard that the book isn't all that great so maybe Mia will illustrate it for you. In addition, second place will net you a two-disc customized genuine Rude Cactus compilation.

First Place: The author of the winning entry will win a prize so insanely mindblowing that I'm keeping it a surprise. Suffice it to say, if you don't play along and, therefore, blow your chance of winning, you'll be kicking yourself in the ass and that's no easy feat. Plus, you can really pull something doing that. I'll give you a hint - it's not a puppy. It's not a hooker either. Sorry.

Winners will be announced next Thursday so comment here or send me an email with your entry. You can enter as often as you want so don't be shy.

Obligatory Fine Print: All entries become the property of Rude Cactus Worldwide Enterprises, a division of Cactus-Fish Partners Ltd., a subsidiary of Big Brother & The Holding Company. Members of the Cactus-Fish family are not eligible. Nor are Bill O'Reilly (don't like him), George Bush (not a big fan either), Paris Hilton (skanky), Britney Spears (similarly skanky), Jim Morrison (dead), Liberace (also dead) or Elvis Aaron Presley (missing). All entries must be submitted by midnight December 14, 2006.

Posted by Chris at December 7, 2006 07:00 AM

Keeping in mind I've had not a drop of coffee yet....

Rude Cactus, Rudimentarily Prickly

Yea I know, don't quit my day job. Off in search of caffeine!

Posted by: Wicked H at December 7, 2006 07:41 AM

Rude Cactus............Tequila's Proud Daddy.

Posted by: Julia at December 7, 2006 07:49 AM

"Elvis Aaron Presley (missing)."


I'll have to think about this whole tagline thing. Did you mention a deadline?

Posted by: Contrary at December 7, 2006 07:51 AM

Dude, my brain is fried (well it's only 8 am, so can you blame me?) I'll have to get back with you on this...

Posted by: Corinne at December 7, 2006 07:58 AM

Rude Cactus, putting the spin in spines or putting the spine into spin.

Posted by: William at December 7, 2006 08:00 AM

Sorry I have another....Rude Cactus, Pretty to look at but hard to handle.

Posted by: William at December 7, 2006 08:01 AM

The first and only thing that's coming to me right now isn't at all original and won't win me any prisez but I'm overly (and ridiculously) fond of "This is not a sermon, just a thought." I'm embarrassed to tell you how often I use that in real life. I'll see if I come up with something that actually, you know, fits with the site and get back to you.

But in the rare (uhm, most likely) chance that I don't, can I still win something? Because I'm tired of doing this kind of thing and not winning anything. Now a better person would just try harder, but I've already established time and time again that I'm no good so I've decided to just start asking for shit. What's the worst that can happen, right? People will say no and then I'll cry a little (don't you feel sad for me now) and then a shiny piece of dust will catch my eye and all will be forgotten so really, it's like no trouble at all. Unlike you having to actually read this inane comment. I'm almost tempted to keep going to see how far I can take this silliness.

Or not. Happy Thursday! ♥

Posted by: pea at December 7, 2006 08:01 AM

Rude Cactus...prickly, but in a good way.

Posted by: Alissa at December 7, 2006 08:04 AM

OK, it depends what you're going for...

Rude Cactus... pointedly irreverant
Rude Cactus... pointedly irrelevant
or possibly some combination of those two, such as
Rude Cactus... pointedly irreverant and irrelevant

and finally, the one that made me laugh out loud when I thought it:
Rude Cactus... just like a porcupine, but without a heart
(not that it's accurate, but then again, neither is the part about you being a prick)

Posted by: Jeff at December 7, 2006 08:28 AM

"Rude Cactus - A Prickly Pair [sic] Since 1972"

Posted by: Allan at December 7, 2006 08:28 AM

"Rude and prickly"

Posted by: Dawn at December 7, 2006 08:34 AM

"Sticks you where the sun don't shine."

(One "a" in Elvis's middle name, because I am a nerdy stickler.)

Posted by: Nicole at December 7, 2006 08:41 AM

Also, "Pointedly suggestive."

Posted by: Nicole at December 7, 2006 08:46 AM

I like a little spin on the whole "I have learned the difference between a cactus and a caucus. On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside." said by Morris Udall.
So, my suggestion is....

Rude Cactus - where all the pricks are on the outside!

Posted by: Traci at December 7, 2006 08:54 AM

"Sticking it to the man since 2003."

Posted by: wordgirl at December 7, 2006 09:15 AM

Rude Cactus - Leading the fight against asshats since 2003

Posted by: Heather J at December 7, 2006 09:25 AM

rude cactus: dropping it like it's hott
rude cactus: neither rude nor a cactus. discuss. (okay. that's not a good one but it made me giggle)
rude cactus: taking on the world one prick at a time

man. i suck at this. no wonder i never win jack. bother.

Posted by: pea at December 7, 2006 09:36 AM

Well, I was going to enter, but if I can't win a puppy or a hooker? I'm totally not going to bother.

Posted by: Dawn at December 7, 2006 09:38 AM

Brainless today. It's too early on this coast.

Lisey's Story wasn't bad but not up to his earlier stuff.

Posted by: ann adams at December 7, 2006 09:48 AM

"Rude Cactus: What normal would be if normal were something else."


Posted by: martin at December 7, 2006 10:28 AM

I like 'in a world full of pricks' yadda yadda ...

What's wrong with that one?!

(I fear change.)

Posted by: s@bd at December 7, 2006 10:51 AM

I've always liked the quote from So I Married An Axe Murderer

"It's like Sputnik- spherical, yet quite pointy in parts" best said with a Scottish accent

Posted by: Matt at December 7, 2006 11:00 AM

Rude Cactus...Get the Point!
Heck if I was good at coming up with slogans I would already be working at an ad

Posted by: Pat (Trish) at December 7, 2006 11:01 AM

...or just the last half...

Rude Cactus: Spherical, Yet Quite Pointy In Parts

Posted by: Matt at December 7, 2006 11:02 AM

Rude Cactus: The Dirty, Dirty Whore.

Rude Cactus: A Prick In your Asshat.

Rude Cactus: Fuck you, republicans.

Oh I don't know. I'm high on Rubistussin right now so I can't really tell ya. ;-)

Posted by: Oakley at December 7, 2006 11:19 AM

If it's not a hooker then I'm out.

But, what the hell. 'storing liquids since 1986'. That's what I'm bringin'.

Posted by: andy at December 7, 2006 11:40 AM

I have two:

Rude Cactus: Poking You In the Eye (because you know you like it)


Rude Cactus: Prickly on the outside, Soothing on the inside... ( aloe).

Posted by: Amy at December 7, 2006 12:02 PM

...poking you in the eye since 2003.
... taking pleasure in the pain of asshats since 2003.

Sorry, it's all I've got.

Posted by: shelley at December 7, 2006 12:14 PM

Rude Cactus, Dude Smacked Us.

(Geez, I suck at this.)

Rude Cactus, Just Another Coffee Achiever

(I really suck. Maybe I'll try again later. Or not.)

Posted by: Alison at December 7, 2006 12:17 PM

i've got nothing...

Posted by: ali at December 7, 2006 01:09 PM

Rude Cactus: Not just a little prick.

Rude Cactus: Asshat free since 2003

Yeah, I'm home sick, spent the whole morning sleeping and then woke up to the realization that our bedroom doorknob was busted and I was locked in. Not bringing my A-Game today. :p

Posted by: Hope at December 7, 2006 01:26 PM

I had to come back.

Rude is better than Polite Cacti.

Rude Cactus....Green, prickly and oozing.

Rude Cactus....Hookers, Midgets and goats. (I just had to throw that in there.

Posted by: William at December 7, 2006 01:49 PM

Rude Cactus...sublime yet sharp
Rude Cactus...just another prick with an attitude (sorry, couldn't resist the pun...but don't believe it)

I'll keep thinking...after all in one of my past lives, I was a copywriter.

Posted by: Krush at December 7, 2006 01:50 PM

Rude Cactus: Polite is for Ferns

Rude Cactus: That's Not Jelly

Rude Cactus: A Few Pricks Short of Cacti

Rude Cactus: I'm Flowering on the Inside

Rude Cactus: Big Prick, Shallow Roots

Rude Cactus: Crude. Act. Us?

Rude Cactus: World's Biggest Fan of Honea Express

I either have a million of 'em, or I've got nothing. You decide!

Posted by: whit at December 7, 2006 01:55 PM

Two Words: Cocktastic!

Of course it makes no sense, that's the beauty of it.

Posted by: Eric at December 7, 2006 01:57 PM

Rude Cactus :: 20% more and prick-a-licious

Posted by: Eric at December 7, 2006 01:59 PM

I don't know why I didn't sit and think about these things and post one comment. I'm retarded.

Rude Cactus:: Now with 20% more prick.

Okay, these all suck, they are just plays on your original slogan which is much better.

I'm the weakest link, goodbye.

Posted by: Eric at December 7, 2006 02:00 PM

Rude Cactus - A Prick You Won't Soon Forget.

Rude Cactus - The Prick Hurts So Good.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at December 7, 2006 02:29 PM

Rude Cactus - Because Polite Prick is an Oxymoron.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at December 7, 2006 02:30 PM

Oy! I come to read, and I get an assignment?

Rude Cactus: Sharp, succulent, and often ornamental.

Rude Cactus: Sharp and dry.

Rude Cactus: I've got a million points.

Rude Cactus: Tall, green, and handsome.

You just did this so you could laugh at all of us, didn't you?

Posted by: Librarian Girl at December 7, 2006 02:51 PM

Rude Cactus: 100% Dry Prickly Wit

Rude Cactus: Pricks, Politics and Parenthood

Rude Cactus: Prickly on the outside, Rude on the Inside

That's all I've got for now. :)

Posted by: Laura at December 7, 2006 02:53 PM

Rude Cactus - Throwing jabs for your amusement

Rude Cactus - The drink you'd order if you were a REAL man

Rude Cactus - Out of the desert and into your living room

Posted by: dreadmouse at December 7, 2006 03:02 PM

Rude Cactus: Putting thorns in the socks of stupidity.

Rude Cactus: Sticking it to the man, one prick at a time.

Rude Cactus: I got more posts than Denny's got hosts.


Posted by: whit at December 7, 2006 03:02 PM

Rude Cactus :: Don't come here looking for a courteous houseplant.

Posted by: angela at December 7, 2006 03:17 PM

Pokey and prickly, but oh so succulent.

(Didn't read the rest, so maybe I repeated.)

Posted by: Sharri at December 7, 2006 03:50 PM

Rude Cactus - home of the free middle finger.

Rude Cactus - the giant spiky thing you read.

Rude Cactus - lots of nice sand and one rude little man. (no offense!)

Rude Cactus - isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Rude Cactus - effective figure of speech user since 2003.

Posted by: Jennifer Bennett at December 7, 2006 04:38 PM

i'd just like you to know, i was going to come up with a witty one for you, but then somehow i ended up doing a google search for types of cactus, and while exploring the results, i found that some obscure cactus website had stolen a pic of a saguaro cactus from my flickr set without permission or credit to me! FUCK!


Rude Cactus- Please Don't Sit On Me.

i'm too flustered to be witty now. :)

Posted by: b. at December 7, 2006 04:39 PM

Rude Cactus: Better than an angry beaver.

I don't know where that came from, but it sounded funny. ^_^

Posted by: Michelle at December 7, 2006 05:18 PM

"Rude Cactus: Warm and Stabby"

"Rude Cactus: Hot and Sharp"

"Rude Cactus: My prick brings all the girls to the yard"

"Rude Cactus: Surround yourself with my prick"

"Rude Cactus: One. Big. Prick."


Posted by: Karen Rani at December 7, 2006 06:09 PM

"Rude Cactus: A Rockin', Unique Diversion from the Other Pricks in Your Life"

Posted by: Jaycie at December 7, 2006 06:21 PM

Rude Cactus~I came, I saw, I pricked.

Posted by: Dawn at December 7, 2006 07:22 PM

How about

"Don't worry, it's just a little prick."


Posted by: Edge at December 7, 2006 07:44 PM

I've been thinking ("thinking") all day, and have yet to come up with anything. Maybe I'll be brighter tomorrow? (I can hope, right?)

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at December 7, 2006 08:33 PM

Ohhhh I'll have to think about this and get back to you, but it's a great idea.

Posted by: Melissa at December 7, 2006 08:53 PM

"It's never funny until someone loses an eye..."

Close your eyes and visualize this one, ready?

the "intel inside" logo... replace intel with prick.. nothing personal!!! :-)


Posted by: Scoe at December 7, 2006 10:00 PM

Now, you might feel a slight prick

Posted by: Scoe at December 7, 2006 10:02 PM

Here are a couple:

Rude Cactus - Just like peyote, but legal.

Rude Cactus - Dry, prickly, and a bit impolite.

Posted by: Beth in StL at December 7, 2006 10:14 PM

Rude Cactus~I don't give away hookers or puppies


Posted by: Kate at December 8, 2006 12:12 AM

In case you want second had MANY funny ones (not mine) but my fave, the one that made me laugh out loud the loudest was...

"Rude Cactus: My prick brings all the girls to the yard" ~By Karen

That's awesome.

Posted by: Kate at December 8, 2006 12:17 AM

You didn't specify in your fine print whether or not you had to be a resident of the united states to enter, so before I start trying to get my brain firing, just how far across the world are you willing to send these prizes? :)

Posted by: erica at December 8, 2006 12:17 AM

I'm sorry, Chris! I cannot accept this mission because a) it's late and I'm exhausted and don't think at this hour, and b) because I SUCK at taglines. Maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow, though.

Posted by: Haley-O at December 8, 2006 12:49 AM

Rude Cactus: A Crude Practice

*shrugs* Ok, I tried. :)

[Yes, well I have toddler brain too as you know. ;)]

Posted by: Jacqueline at December 8, 2006 01:25 AM

Rude Cactus- Because Mean Prick was too obvious!

Rude Cactus- Go ahead, touch it, I dare you!

Rude Cactus- Kicken ass and pricking Republicans

Posted by: Jeff A at December 8, 2006 01:27 AM

I thought of more

Rude Cactus- Reading, Rocking, and bashing politicians.

Rude Cactus- My kid thinks I'm cool so shut-up!

Rude Cactus- Could someone light a match please?

I think I should stop now!

Posted by: Jeff A at December 8, 2006 01:33 AM I'm irritated...why did you have to turn it into a contest? Now, my creativity has gone down the toilet, LOL as if I had any to begin with. :P If it wouldn't have been a contest, I would have a page of ideas, but, alas--nothing. At least I have time :)

And I see that Ann Coulter is eligible...hmmmm

Posted by: Nanette at December 8, 2006 05:39 AM

I wish that I had the greatest idea for your new line. But I don't. Sorry. I would have liked to hear that third prize.

Rude Cactus - a thorn between two roses

Posted by: cassie-b at December 8, 2006 07:08 AM

Rude Cactus-Because what else do you have to do first thing in the morning?

Rude Cactus-a subdivision of Cactus-Fish Enterprises

Posted by: jodi at December 8, 2006 07:26 AM

Rude Cactus: Giving you the big one since 2003.

Posted by: pea at December 8, 2006 08:19 AM

Rude Cactus: Stroke with care
Rude Cactus: sharp, erect and to the point

Posted by: Amber at December 8, 2006 08:32 AM

Hey, since I can't think of anything, I've just been staring at the post for a while and I noticed something: You said you'll announce the winners next Thursday, but your contest doesn't end until Thursday night. I'm guessing that wasn't intentional...

Posted by: ktjrdn at December 8, 2006 08:56 AM

World Lego Spitting Champion

Posted by: Adam at December 8, 2006 09:29 AM

Rude Cactus: 1000 points of "ouch"
Rude Cactus: Water it down too much and it dies

I guess these aren't really tag lines, I just liked them. They're anagrams for "Mia Beth Chris"
-A Birth Chimes
-Bra ethics, him?
-Bra itches him
-Mishear Bitch
-Ha, besmirch it
-Harsh mice bit
-RAM bitch, he is

Posted by: Cassandra at December 8, 2006 10:44 AM

Rude Cactus: I'll update my blogroll when hell freezes over.

send me my prize

Posted by: whit at December 8, 2006 11:50 AM

Rude Cactus: Revel (rebel) in the Heat
Throwing barbs one prick at a time.
Politeness is overrated.
Why should all the pricks get the water?

(Gosh, these all make you sound kind of mean. Which you are not!)

Now for that final prize... it's a hooker puppy, isn't it?! (EW!)

Posted by: the weirdgirl at December 8, 2006 02:05 PM

Rude Cactus - So a fish and a cactus walk into a bar...

Rude Cactus - King of stating the obvious.

Rude Cactus - now isn't that special?

Rude Cactus - now in extra strength.

Rude Cactus - is it in you?

Rude Cactus - the quicker picker upper.

I'm starting to think I should quit my day job...writing is much funner.

Posted by: Jennifer Benentt at December 8, 2006 02:09 PM

Ooh, one more:

Rude Cactus - now extra mild

Posted by: Jennifer Bennett at December 8, 2006 02:11 PM

Rude Cactus: Bringing the Pain since 2003.

Rude Cactus: I told you to wear gloves!

Rude Cactus: 1,000 points of light--er--pain.

Rude Cactus: I 'aint sayin' he's a golddigger...

Posted by: wordgirl at December 8, 2006 02:53 PM

Rude Cactus: Straight up! no lemon or salt.

Rude Cactus: Up Yours! (this one sounds like a Nike ad!

Posted by: DavidR at December 8, 2006 05:16 PM

Rude Cactus: Cute as crud

it's an anagram... that's all I got after reading all the really good ones already here.

Posted by: Kara at December 8, 2006 09:01 PM

I'm feeling quite Liberal right now so....
Rude Cactus.... I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass.
Rude Cactus.... I hate Bush before it was cool.
Rude Cactus.... This is what Liberal looks like.
Yeah I know crappy and you don't run a political website thingy but after listening to 2 hours of bush bashing its all that came to mind. Maybe something better later.

Posted by: Sunshine at December 9, 2006 12:50 AM


Posted by: Sunshine at December 9, 2006 12:51 AM

rude cactus: pointing out the stupid because it's fun

Posted by: patricia at December 9, 2006 04:51 AM

Not feeling very creative but:

Rude Cactus: Cacti Fun Guy

I know, I know. (hangs head)

Posted by: Sue at December 9, 2006 01:48 PM

Rude Cactus: Right to the point
Rude Cactus: Funny and friendly in a prickly sort of way
Rude Cactus: One read and you're stuck

OK, I think I'm done...I have much more boring (papers) things to write this week.

Posted by: Krush at December 9, 2006 04:02 PM

Haven't read any other suggestions yet... but here goes:

Rude Cactus: Standing tall and hard since 2002

Posted by: ironic1 at December 9, 2006 08:15 PM

rude cactus: home of the smoking hot ass
okay, again, not really something that can be used but i just like saying smoking hot ass.

i promise the next submission (should there be one) will totally be for real.

Posted by: pea at December 10, 2006 12:07 AM

Here are some more I thought of
Rude Cactus ... Have You hugged your cactus today?
Rude Cactus ... Louder and Prouder than ever.
Rude Cactus ... The Memories. The Madness. The Music.

Posted by: Sunshine at December 10, 2006 12:27 AM

Rude Cactus...spiked extra hard for your reading enjoyment.
Rude Cactus...prickly but lovable.

You've got some good ones here. Although I do like your original.

Posted by: nila at December 10, 2006 03:05 AM

I woke during the night with the idea. I don't know where it came from. And it is rude.

Take a ride. Strap one one.

Forgive me. I really don't know what that's all about.

Posted by: bhd at December 11, 2006 01:23 PM

Don't have a tag line, but I found a funny picture...

Posted by: Kelly at December 11, 2006 03:50 PM

Just a few as I come up for air from finals. Some are long. I apologize, I'm writing law school finals.

Rude Cactus - Schadenfreude: it's not just for Asshats anymore

Rude Cactus - Another Camera-Happy Dad, but good at it

Rude Cactus - What's an audioblog?

Rude Cactus - Writer, Photographer, Donut Consumer

Rude Cactus - Husband to an awesome Wife, Father to the sweetest girl, and he will have his revenge... on Asshats

Rude Cactus - Giving Three Shits, Thank You.

Rude Cactus - Even Eeyore Needs to Get Buzzed

Rude Cactus - My Girls are Cuter than Yours

So one of these might be a hint, but it's up to you to decide.

And let me say that the last 200 pages of Lisey's Story do get better. Though if I win 2nd place, I'd rather have a picture Mia drew.

Posted by: alektra at December 11, 2006 06:29 PM

Hmm, I have been thinking about this for days, but don't think I have anything better than some of the comments I've read. You have some creative readers.

Anyway, here are my suggestions:
Rude Cactus - spiky yet satisfying
Rude Cactus - now with extra caffeine
Rude Cactus - the softer side of spiky

Well, at least I tried :)

Posted by: starrynite at December 12, 2006 06:01 PM

OK one last stab (pun intended) before closing:

Rude Cactus... your mother lied to you when she said it'd make you go blind

Rude Cactus... where I let the voices in my head roam free

Rude Cactus... Haiku, Schadenfreude, and other words Dan Quayle can't spell
Rude Cactus... Haiku, Schadenfreude, and other words Republicans can't spell

and not sure how it'd work into either "rude" or "cactus" but I thought you'd appreciate this: "statistics are like bikinis; what they show is exciting, but what they hide is crucial"

Posted by: Jeff at December 13, 2006 08:18 AM

Rude Cactus - All your base are belong to us

Rude Cactus - Getting down to mass lax

Rude Cactus - The thinking cap is ON

Rude Cactus - Wearing the pants

Posted by: Jennifer Bennett at December 13, 2006 11:56 AM

Rude Cactus..."I reject your reality and substitute my own"


..."Reprocessing reality since 2003"

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