November 22, 2006

Protecting Breakfast, One Donut At A Time

Look, I don't know what they're putting in donuts - or coffee for that matter - these days, but whatever it is must be worth some serious Benjamins (see how hip I am on a Wednesday morning?). I was standing in line at the neighborhood Dunkin Donuts yesterday morning (not this morning because I'm working from home...yep, sitting here in PJs typing...are you jealous?) and I noticed something absolutely astounding. Take a look.


See those yellow things on that expertly rendered diagram that proves that, at times, I have a little too much time on my hands? Those are security cameras. Seven security cameras. Now, I live in a quiet suburban neighborhood. Under what circumstances do you think seven security cameras are necessary to guard a donut establishment? (That's not rhetorical...really, I'm asking!)

Whilst sipping coffee from the aforementioned and heavily fortified donut establishment in my office, the fire alarm began to go off. Luckily, I knew it was just a test because of all the fliers in the lobby and elevators. Still, it was a bit unnerving...until our building, HAL 9000-like, began speaking. See, the alarms are twofold - there's the typical siren thing immediately followed by spoken word messages. "Attention! Attention!" HAL said. "A fire emergency has been reported in the building. Please proceed to the nearest fire exit and exit the building immediately." And sure, that sounds all kinds of ominous but the voice, well, think Queer Eye Guy Carson Kressley. It was like I was being ushered outside the building to try on a new hoodie and some suede moccasins while learning how to cook a caviar-stuffed chicken and give myself a facial. And I have to say, there was something incredibly calming about Vaguely Homosexual Fire Alarm Narration Guy. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Posted by Chris at November 22, 2006 07:09 AM

Those are some mighty important donuts!! When I hit the local Star Bucks joint for my foo foo drink I'll have to look at how many cameras there are. I'm in Risk Management and I don't see the need for that many cameras in that tiny of a location, but I'm probably missing something here. Maybe there have been issues with employees stealing donuts or from the cash register. Very interesting though.

Posted by: DMM at November 22, 2006 07:38 AM

I cannot figure out why Dunkin Donuts would need seven cameras. I'm really trying to get it. Really, I am - but I'm just....not.

Posted by: Emily at November 22, 2006 07:42 AM

I totally had the same thing happen today! I was in a fish shop with my mother and I counted 10 - that's right, TEN - security cameras. In a FISH shop. In a very safe Australian neighbourhood. We were wondering what there was to protect. "Stick 'em up! Hand over all your salmon!" Nah, that can't be right. Surely not...

Posted by: E :) at November 22, 2006 07:55 AM

Perhaps the cameras are for the employees? To keep them from stealing money from the register, or, more importantly, to keep them from stealing donuts and coffee?

Posted by: Alissa at November 22, 2006 07:56 AM

It's the whole "Big Brother" thing. What bugs me is that these days I feel obligated to do my hair and make up when I go out to McDonalds! Lord knows who is watching!!!

Posted by: Maribeth at November 22, 2006 07:58 AM

Dude. I think it's fairly obvious.


We must protect them at all costs!

Posted by: kara marie at November 22, 2006 08:12 AM

Wow, you should work from home more often. This was hillarious!

Is the donut shop open 24 hours? Because I know our Dunkin Donuts is and maybe they feel they need the cameras for the night shift. At least I know that I would want lots of cameras if I were working the night shift - anything to deter would-be robbers is alright wiht me.

Posted by: Jessie at November 22, 2006 08:34 AM

Alissa's comment has me thinking of that Far Side, the one with the donut shop owner scratching his head at the cash register, saying "I just don't get it. I'm movin' over 500 donuts a day." Behind the counter there's this HUGE fat kid, as only Gary Larson can draw them. Ha ha ha!

Now I forgot what I was going to say.

Posted by: Alison at November 22, 2006 08:35 AM

#1: I just want to note that is a fabulous diagram and I think you are working in the wrong profession. I bet you could get oodles of $$ drawing up floor plans.
#2: We have a brank-spanking new Dunkin Donuts going up in our town. I'm curious to know now how many security cameras there will be in our uber rural town...

Other than that, I don't know why they have seven cameras. Those must be some damn good donuts.

Posted by: Michelle at November 22, 2006 08:35 AM

Those must be some SERIOUSLY good donuts you have there... OR some pretty shifty (and probably FAT) donut theiving employees


Posted by: Stephanie at November 22, 2006 08:39 AM

The Voice ushering you out of the building puts a whole new meaning to Flaming.

Posted by: William at November 22, 2006 08:42 AM

well, if you were going to Krispy Kreme and not DD I would say the cameras make all kinds of sense. after all, it's been long rumored that KK puts crack in their donuts and, well, the need for that many cameras suddenly becomes obvious. at DD though? i don't know. what i do know is that the office closes at 12pm today and that's almost as good as being at home in my PJs. happy day before thanksgiving! ♥

Posted by: pea at November 22, 2006 08:45 AM

I'm going to have to figure out a way to slip "Vaguely Homosexual Fire Alarm Narration Guy" into a conversation.

Posted by: amber at November 22, 2006 09:22 AM

they are protecting them from ME.
i'm going to break at some point...and out! DD would be my first place to go!

Posted by: ali at November 22, 2006 09:32 AM

Hehehe...that is a great diagram! Seven security cameras does seem a tad like overkill. :)

Posted by: Zandria at November 22, 2006 09:39 AM

Yep, too much time on your hands. But well worth it to amuse us poor souls who are working today.

Posted by: Heather at November 22, 2006 09:39 AM

Yep, too much time on your hands. But well worth it to amuse us poor souls who are working today.

Posted by: Heather at November 22, 2006 09:39 AM

I'm in my pajamas, too. Plus...a sweater and some cheneille socks. I wouldn't let Carson Kressley see me like this, however.

Posted by: wordgirl at November 22, 2006 09:46 AM

Maybe they are protecting the secret recipe!

Posted by: Steff at November 22, 2006 09:54 AM

I've taken the liberty of adding one thing to your diagram based on my local Dunkin Donuts, that really negates any need for more than the security camera watching to make sure employees are sticky fingering the register. Hopefully it's not too subtle.

Posted by: Adam at November 22, 2006 10:07 AM

Dude, not there's anything wrong with that. I will say that everytime I go in to Dunkin Donuts the clientele gets seedier and seedier. Punks. It's all those kids and their damned rock music.

Posted by: andy at November 22, 2006 10:20 AM

Happy Thanksgiving.

Maybe they have a one size fits all blueprint for the chain?

Posted by: ann adams at November 22, 2006 10:59 AM

Hey I'm in my pj's too. Nice diagram, very professional. Didn't you know that this year's hot commodity was the donut? Sheesh, I thought someone as "hip" as you would know. Anyway...

I had a similar experience with homosexual narration in class the other day while playing a book on tape (Of the Lemony Snicket variety) for my 6th graders. The guy on there was clearly SO GAY. And that's all I could think about for the duration of the chapter. And picturing him in different outfits kept my mind busy...the chapter was boring! ;)

And for Adam...hey hey hey...I saw your little addition to the diagram. Watch it! Play nice with the officers! Ok I totally laughed...just don't tell my husband. :)

Posted by: Kate at November 22, 2006 11:22 AM

WAY too much time on your hands! Ha, like I can talk (I draw out my "future house" floor plans when I'm bored). Anyways, it's so funny that you'd notice those cameras, I guess I'm just not that observant. And, as for the "Vaguely Homosexual Fire Alarm Narration Guy," I had to laugh out loud at that one.
Oh, and I'm glad to hear that Mia's little hand is okay! I bet that really did scare Beth. When my cousin was 3, he was in a shopping cart (in the seat) when his mom flipped it over (on accident) and the handle bar (that you push on) came down and broke BOTH of his legs! Of course, nobody in my family cares for her too much anyways...

Posted by: Celina at November 22, 2006 11:38 AM

You know, Chris, coffee coming out my nose because I'm laughing so hard isn't the way I want to start my day. But it won't stop me from coming back to visit first thing each day. Funniest post ever.

Posted by: Bridget at November 22, 2006 11:57 AM

Come on Chris.. we all know Donuts and Police go hand in hand... so obviously the answer is the local police force are protecting their stash...LOL! They don't want anyone running off with their snack goodies ya know, lolol

Posted by: Tammy at November 22, 2006 12:05 PM

They're doing a lot of construction here where I work and false alarms are pretty common place at this point (sad because students have stopped evacuating the building..I'm waiting for the real fire to happen and kill them all). Since this building is really four different buildings connected by various walkways, all of the alarms sound different. However, the alarm directly over my desk talks and says about the same thing yours does. Except I think ours is, "An emergency has been reported in your area" or something similar.


Seven cameras?! Are those donuts made of a fine mixture of crack and gold?

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at November 22, 2006 12:11 PM

It's a new reality show "Damn Dirty Donuts".

Posted by: Kathy at November 22, 2006 12:27 PM

Funny you should mention the donut cams. As it happens, I represent one of DD's competitors in a lawsuit about a bunch of crap some employees pulled. It's going to cost my client a fortune to defend. Never would have happened if they'd had donut cams (which they had in all the other stores) to catch the employees in their shenanigans. Smile for the birdie!

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at November 22, 2006 01:06 PM

donuts. are very, very valuable. let that be a lesson you never forget. honor thy round-holed treat...

Posted by: steph at November 22, 2006 01:38 PM

I wouldn't have even noticed them as there are camera every 6 feet in my building.

Poor you, no donuts. Although you bastard you who gets today off. ;)

I hope you guys have a great Turkey day. Wait you don't eat turky right? Do you ahve a tofu turkey?

Posted by: Melissa at November 22, 2006 01:39 PM

that's awesome - we have a talking alarm in our building too - it's a female voice. I think it might be the AT@T/411 lady.

Dude - that's a LOT of cameras - wonder who else gets their donuts there ;)

Happy Turkey Day!

Posted by: Sue at November 22, 2006 01:45 PM

Maybe it's one of those 24-hour Dunkin' Donuts? That might explain the cameras; those places get kinda creepy at three in the a.m.

What? Sometimes you just gotta have a Coolatta, stat.

Posted by: Fraulein N at November 22, 2006 01:57 PM

Haha!!!......I don't know about the cameras, but we have that same fire alarm guy! Except they either test or break the system about once every two weeks, so I get to hear it way too often!!

Posted by: lilmama at November 22, 2006 03:32 PM

Those cams are to ensure that the "donut guy" doesn't put more than custard in your Boston Cream, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Those are so delicious, who wouldn't want to make sweet sweet love to them? And that coffee? Don't even get me started...

Posted by: coolchick at November 22, 2006 04:00 PM

I had 10K stloen from me by a receptionist... not a fun thing... I still don't have any cameras in any of my business' as I still beleive people are good.

But it was a punch in my 'good people' beleif...

No the 10K wasn't in the cash, it was over time, yes audits were poor on our part... Yes I got my 10K back, Yes I installed some better controls.

Posted by: DavidR at November 22, 2006 04:43 PM

A DD customer attacked a clerk here in MA. He got mad about how much his donuts cost and he picked a fight with her. When things didn't go his way, he threw hot coffee on her.

Perhaps the cameras are to protect the DD employees from customers hepped up on caffeine and cruellers.

Posted by: Hope at November 22, 2006 06:01 PM

I'm trying to imagine what exactly Carson/HAL would sound like. It's quite an amusing endeavour.

Posted by: Heather at November 22, 2006 06:53 PM

Our building's fire alarm system has a voice, too. It's surprisingly calming, even when it's screaming for your attention.

Posted by: angela at November 22, 2006 07:41 PM

I have no idea about the donuts. I don't eat them. hehe

However, I am familiar with the talking fire alarms. The first time I heard them, I was just sitting there thinking "You've got to be f'n kidding me. It talks? The annoying tone isn't enough?"

Needless to say working nights in a warehouse had killed most of my sense of humor.

Posted by: Debra at November 22, 2006 09:29 PM

That diagram is so impressive!!! I mean, I knew you were talented, but THIS! And, how PRODUCTIVE you are when you work at home. Amazing. Simply. Amazing. ;)

Posted by: Haley-O at November 22, 2006 09:54 PM

We had our fire drill yesterday and I was a bit annoyed by the alarm-announcing-guy's voice in my building. How do I get your guy's voice here? There is something very comforting about a gay guy's voice. :)

Posted by: Dee at November 22, 2006 11:13 PM

you crack that shit up.

my shit up?

oh fuck. it's late. you crack me up.

i'm so unhip.

Posted by: raine at November 22, 2006 11:20 PM

Donuts- yummmm...

Posted by: Jack at November 23, 2006 12:17 AM

Obviously you have never tried to swipe a donut from my clutches. That would be a security breach that would require an immediate response. Security cameras for donuts makes perfect sense in my world.

Posted by: Librarian Girl at November 26, 2006 04:55 PM

Ahhh yes... you have way too much time on your hands, my friend. Jealous.

Posted by: Jaime at November 26, 2006 10:06 PM