November 28, 2006

On The Bus

Even if you're not a parent, were I to start singing The wheels on the bus go round and round, chances are you'd be able to finish the verse and maybe even add a few more. Go ahead. Try not to. The song, while insipid on several different levels, is viral. And my daughter loves it. Before you jump to the wrong conclusion, no, I'm not going to get all sappy on your asses because, remember, aside from being a good dad (I think), I'm also Terribly Inappropriate But Not In A Bad Creepy Way Father.

The other night, we were singing the song over dinner (my, how life changes). The progression was logical until we got to the end.

The wheels on the bus go round and round
Round and round
Round and round
The wheels on the bus go round and round
All through the town

Normal, right? Just like you learned it as a kid. Inevitably, the doors on the bus open and shut, the windows on the bus go up and down, the horn on the bus toots and the driver on the bus says "move on back" (which I think seems vaguely racist). Still, nothing terrible. Enter me.

The drunk on the bus goes bleh cough bleh
Bleh cough bleh
Bleh cough bleh
The drunk on the bus goes bleh cough bleh
All through the town

The hooker on the bus goes fifty bucks
Fifty bucks
Fifty bucks
The hooker on the bus goes fifty bucks
For me to go down

Michael Richards on the bus says oh god I'm sorry
Oh god I'm sorry
Oh god I'm sorry
Michael Richards on the bus says oh god I'm sorry
I'm really not a racist.

Black Panthers on the bus say your ass is ours Kramer
Your ass is ours Kramer
Your ass is ours Kramer
Black Panthers on the bus say your ass is ours Kramer
Say a prayer you honkey mo-fo.

And that's really just about where I lost the thread. At honkey mo-fo. While I've truly done a great disservice to whatever genius wrote that song, I feel like I'm missing something, some golden opportunities to further expand this children's classic. The question is, what? Come on, I'm sure you've got ideas. All together now...we all need a sing-along on a Tuesday morning, right?

Posted by Chris at November 28, 2006 07:23 AM
Comments

Oh greatttttttt - thanks a lot, now I will have that little tune popping around in my head all day... time to turn the volume up on the PC and see what I can drown the wheels song out with...

Posted by: Stephanie at November 28, 2006 07:44 AM

honkey mo-fo.

I can't stop laughing.

Posted by: Alissa at November 28, 2006 07:55 AM

HONKEY MO-FO!

This, my friend - THIS tops the mullet!

Posted by: Emily at November 28, 2006 07:57 AM

One of the great joys of parenthood- making up alternative lyrics to childrens songs!

Posted by: Lisa at November 28, 2006 07:58 AM

Jeez... all we do is incorporate things like "The Daddies", "The Mommies", "The Nanas", "The Papas", "The Grandmas" all doing stuff that her Daddy, Mommy, Nana, Papa, Grandma, et cetera do. We're so lame.

Posted by: Jeff at November 28, 2006 08:02 AM

Stuck in my head! Also, hee.

Also also, having become a regular rider of the CTA, I can confirm that drivers on the bus actually DO say "move on back." Which I will never be able to hear in the same way ever again.

Posted by: Dawn at November 28, 2006 08:11 AM

If I ever have a kid, I'm definitely coming to you for parenting advice - you're definitely the kind the world needs more of!

Posted by: Heather at November 28, 2006 08:28 AM

Paris Hilton's bus pass reads: "skank, skank, skank"
skank, skank, skank
skank, skank, skank
Paris Hilton's bus pass reads: "skank, skank, skank
All through the town.

Posted by: wordgirl at November 28, 2006 08:35 AM

I have a tendency to do this as well, but... allow me to warn you to be careful. Especially around the holidays. For example, my duaghter came home from school singing Jingle Bells the other day. After completing the chorus, she paused and requested help. Stuck for the words myself, I scanned my mind, began humming, found the words and started to sing... The John Valbey version! Fortunately I caught myself after only a couple of words... but... all I had was visions in my head of my daughter going to school the next day signing,

Filling fart balloons
With a nozzle up my ass
I'd like to fill another
But I think I'm out of gas...


Posted by: Latte Man at November 28, 2006 08:51 AM

The Muslims on the bus say "kill all Jews"
"kill all Jews"
"kill all Jews"
The Muslims on the bus say "kill all Jews"
And the infidels that harbor them, tooooo.

Posted by: Brad at November 28, 2006 09:05 AM

Wow, I've got nothing clever to add at this time of day! Mia will be a big hit at pre-school! :)

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at November 28, 2006 09:33 AM

Elcie's in the living room singing O Little Town of Bethlehem at the top of her lungs.

I'll be combining the two all day long.

It's 6:34 and I'm being bombarded.

Posted by: ann adams at November 28, 2006 09:34 AM

do you ever sing her the song about the ladies stuck in the loo?

chorus
oh dear, what can the matter be?
3 old ladies locked in the lavatory
they were there from moday till saturday
and nobody knew they were there

the first old lady was jennifer knicker
she went there to hide from the vicker
he vicker was quick but miss knicker was quicker
and nobody knew she was there

chorus

the second old lady was pamela pumphry
she went there to make herself comfy
then she got stuck and she couldnt get her bum free
and nobody new she was there

chorus

(i forget who the third old lady was.) but its the same principle, make it up.

my 9 month old son likes singing too.

great site

thanks

Posted by: em at November 28, 2006 09:40 AM

"Honkey mo-fo!"

I like your version much better than the original. :)

Posted by: Zandria at November 28, 2006 10:13 AM

You'll think I'm nuts, but I sing those weird songs to my dog Greta. Anything to calm her in her final days of pregnancy!

Posted by: Maribeth at November 28, 2006 10:34 AM

'the bum on the bus has syphillis, syphillis, syphillis
the bum on the bus has syphillis,
gout, and scabies'

That's the best I got.

Posted by: andy at November 28, 2006 10:44 AM

LOL! Thanks for the laugh...

Posted by: Kelly at November 28, 2006 11:19 AM

A disservice? No! A contemporary tribute!

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at November 28, 2006 12:33 PM

The guy on the bus is jacking off, jacking off, jacking off. The guy on the bus is jacking off, so I sprayed mace into his eyes.

Change the bus to train and make spraying him with mace a dream sequence and you have my experience on an 8 p.m. LA Blue Line.

And you are one sick man, Chris. Yet, so funny. And we keep coming back! :)

Posted by: Oakley at November 28, 2006 01:08 PM

wow. you're much better at changing up that song than i am...

Posted by: ali at November 28, 2006 01:16 PM

I used to hate that song with a passion! Now? Now I can get into it!

Posted by: Queen of Ass at November 28, 2006 02:18 PM

I've got nothing for that one, but every time I sing our national anthem, I want to say, "O Canada, our home is native land..." I heard it in 6th grade, and it just seems more accurate. ;-)

Posted by: Heather at November 28, 2006 02:38 PM

Oh dear God.... too damn funny. And, uh, thanks for the new earworm. I've previously been mentally incarcerated by Gayla Peevey's "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" -- yes, since LAST November -- and now I will be a prisoner to the hippo, a bus, and all the freaks that ride the damn bus!

Thanks. A freakin' lot. LOL

Posted by: ironic1 at November 28, 2006 05:28 PM

You can't make me do it, you can't make me sing on Tuesday. It's against my religon. And let me be like the 20th person to thank you for that song rotating through my head. Nice work chief.

Posted by: Kate at November 28, 2006 05:47 PM

It was about a year ago that I was hanging out with some wee little 3-year-old twins who taught me that there was more than one verse to the song. They even had all the hand gestures worked out, and I was duly impressed. I have to admit that they didn't get quite as creative as you. Which I'd say is definitely a good thing.

Posted by: angela at November 28, 2006 06:05 PM

This is hysterical! I'm sad I missed this earlier, my day would have gone by much faster with this version stuck in my head!

Posted by: Colleen at November 28, 2006 10:09 PM

That is AWESOME! I think you could publish those verses! Nothing at all inappropriate about them! ;)

The monkey spontaneously breaks into the arm movements for Wheels on the Bus all the time.... She seems to hate the song, though.... The spontaneous arms thing is super adorable, though -- she can't quite get it right, so it looks totally bizarre. :)

Posted by: Haley-O at November 29, 2006 12:02 AM

Oh, forgot:

The crackhead on the bus says dabadabadaba
Dabadabadaba
Dabadabadaba
The crackhead on the bus says dabadabadaba
All through the town.

Posted by: Haley-O at November 29, 2006 12:05 AM

Huh? I dont get it. (No response required)

Posted by: Leilani at November 29, 2006 12:28 AM

:) LOL....I'm not feeling very inspired....I'll throw my hat into the ring anyway!

The paparazzi on the bus say
Show us your kitty
Show us your kitty
Show us your kitty
Brit, Firecrotch and Paris

Posted by: Nanette at November 29, 2006 02:05 AM

Since your being so realistic;

The homeless dude on the bus says
you got some change
you got some change
you got some change
The homeless dude on the bus says
you got some change, just to buy some wine.

Posted by: nila at November 29, 2006 04:25 AM

The old woman on the bus is still asleep,
still asleep,
still asleep,
She may miss her stop,
Is she still asleep?
Maybe she is dead.

Ahhhhh, your song brings me back to a time when I rode the bus for two years to school. It sucked balls, but something interesting happened everyday.

Posted by: kim at November 29, 2006 11:34 AM

The seats on the bus sure smell like piss
Smell like piss
Smell like piss
The seats on the bus sure smell like piss
As well as Number Twoooo.

Posted by: Librarian Girl at November 29, 2006 08:02 PM

The asses on the bus go ouch, ouch, ouch
ouch, ouch, ouch
ouch, ouch, ouch
The asses on the bus go ouch, ouch, ouch
How 'bout putting some cushioning on them seats

The heads on the bus go bob, bob, bob
bob, bob, bob
bob, bob, bob
The heads on the bus go bob, bob, bob
How 'bout putting some seatbelts on them all
Before a head goes "Pop!"

*********************************
I know I suck, please be my friend still...pretty please :D

Posted by: Dee at November 30, 2006 12:36 AM

I only hope I can be as cool of parents as you and Beth...
oh and you totally effing cracked me at the honky mo-fo part. I was holding it together until then...

Posted by: stinkerbell at November 30, 2006 04:11 PM