December 01, 2006

Schadenfreude Friday: Schadensmorgasbord

You know, there's just too much going on this week, too many asshats in the news being all asshatalicious. So why choose? Here are some of the best.

  • The Headline: Britney Spears Shows Her Crotch Again

    The Quote: "Britney Spears seems intent on finding out what the human limit of flashing your beaver is. This is the second night in a row and the third time in one week she's been photographed without panties on."

    The Verdict: You didn't catch it the first time around? Lucky you. The papparazzi were waiting for me to get out of my car this morning. Thank god I had underwear on.

  • The Headline: Pastor who gave eulogy accused of murder

    The Quote: "Even in 2004, when the Rev. Howard Douglas Porter eulogized a friend killed in a car crash in which Porter was driving, the victim's friends and relatives were suspicious. They feared Porter deliberately planned the crash to get his hands on the multimillion-dollar trust fund of Frank Craig, an 85-year-old farmer."

    The Verdict: Apparently you can be a man of god and an asshat. Who's going to hell now, sucker?

  • The Headline: Traces of radiation found on jets in investigation of Russian ex-spy's death

    The Quote: "Investigators found traces of radiation on two British Airways planes Wednesday as police widened a complex international investigation into the mysterious poisoning death last week of a former Russian spy. The discovery of polonium-210, the rare and lethal radioactive substance that killed Alexander Litvinenko and ignited a public health scare, could be a sign that police are on the trail of a suspected killer who traveled between London and Moscow."

    The Verdict: Do not glow gentle into that good night.

  • The Headline: Thursday 'View' kind to drunken DeVito

    The Quote: "The ladies of "The View" are laughing off Danny DeVito's loopy behavior during his appearance on the daytime talk show. "Danny DeVito is not an alcoholic," co-host Rosie O'Donnell said Thursday. "He's just a guy who had too many with his friend." On Wednesday's show, the 62-year-old actor admitted he'd had a late night out with George Clooney and said, "I knew it was the last seven limoncellos that was going to get me.""

    The Verdict: Actually, the video is up on YouTube and it's pretty damn funny. The dude's lit! Although wouldn't you be if you were married to Rhea Perlman?

  • The Headline: Legally blind woman, 94, bowls a 244

    The Quote: "Esther Medley of Centralia is legally blind, but when she bowls she can glimpse a bit of the floor to line up with the lane. Medley, 94, can't see straight ahead, so her 86-year-old husband Ralph tells her which pins are left after her first ball. That's how Medley recently bowled a score of 244, which included eight strikes, at Fairway Lanes in Centralia.""

    The Verdict: In no way is this schadenfreude but it sure is a damn fine story. I couldn't bowl a 244 if all the pins looked like Ann Coulter.

And there you have it - a symphony of schadenfreude. What did I miss?

Posted by Chris at December 1, 2006 07:06 AM

Wow. What a week. The whole britney thing is just bizarre. Who knew K-Fed was actually the classy one in the relationship?

Posted by: Lisa at December 1, 2006 08:19 AM

you know, i had hope for brit in the first few days after the divorce was announced...she seemed to be pulling it together. But no more...

And that bowling story? AMAZING. I'm lucky if I bowl over 100.

Posted by: suze at December 1, 2006 08:52 AM

hee hee - I'm just imagining bowling pins that look like Ann Coulter...heh.

Posted by: carrster at December 1, 2006 09:12 AM

You know, you would think that I would have learned my lesson from clicking on links to see Lindsey Lohan's lady bits. But, alas, no. I couldn't resist clicking through to see Britney.

Twice in a row is stupid. Three times in one week? That's pathological!

Posted by: Hope at December 1, 2006 09:19 AM

Anna Nicole being evicted is more sad than funny, but fits the criteria . . .

Posted by: Betti at December 1, 2006 09:20 AM

I am just glad that we did not get to see Danny Devito without panties.

Posted by: William at December 1, 2006 09:28 AM

Great post. I think the Britney thing may be the worst. I mean, in one pic you could see her c-section scar. Not that I looked at the pictures or anything, of course. I just heard that it was quite the full view of her nether-regions. But seriously, stage a huge comeback and then fall on your face faster than you can say "Bad Idea"? Huge trainwreck.

Posted by: Jessie at December 1, 2006 09:38 AM

'I couldn't bowl a 244 if all the pins looked like Ann Coulter'

Now THAT was funny.

Have a great Friday!

Posted by: Contrary at December 1, 2006 09:42 AM

How amazing that being drunk as a skunk didnt cause Danny to become a raving anti-semetic racist ass. How could that be?

Posted by: That Girl at December 1, 2006 09:51 AM

It gives "attention whore" a whole new meaning... they are absolutely selling their "lady" bits for the publicity (and I mis-typed pubicity there, first, which is way more accurate).

I'd nominate Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock's filing for divorce already... though that's not really Schadenfreude so much as just, "well, duh".

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at December 1, 2006 10:04 AM

i'll say one thing for Britney...she sure is making Paris Hilton look good :)

Posted by: ali at December 1, 2006 10:14 AM

Gloria Allred! Gloria Allred! What a whore!

Ann Coulter is totally a bowling pin. Totally.

Posted by: andy at December 1, 2006 10:16 AM

Once again, thank you for reminding me why I read BBC.

Posted by: s@bd at December 1, 2006 10:34 AM

Britney, girl. Get some help and get yourself away from America's Walking Petri Dish Paris...before...well, it may already be too late.

I'm a girl and lived my whole life knowing what those girly underparts look like and STILL I am amazed by those pictures. I feel like my contacts have been burned permanently to my eyeballs.

We are snowed in today, so maybe I should just use that time to rest up. **snicker**

Posted by: angela marie at December 1, 2006 11:36 AM

I'm just glad we didn't have to see DeVito's bits.

Posted by: whit at December 1, 2006 12:28 PM

Seriously, that vag? Is the ugliest vag. And I'm totally damaged now after seeing those pictures.

Posted by: statia at December 1, 2006 12:29 PM

Hey I think you got them all, with that bonus bowling story as well. You weren't kidding, it was an asshatalicious (HA!) week! They were talking this morning on my radio show how they started calling Britney and Paris and Nicole (?) the Cat the Rat Pack and the Brat Pack. But they thought that was insulting to the other people were calling in making alternate suggestions. I liked the Three Whoremigos myself. I wish I could remember the other ones, they were FUNNY!

Posted by: Kate at December 1, 2006 12:45 PM

It has been quite a week. Britney was so close to actually being in a position to make a real comeback - she's killing the good publicity she got for dumping K-Fed.

Meanwhile, I just saw this article on and wondered if DHS made the cut for today's post...

I especially like the part where pretty much everyone can see the information - except for the individual it's about. So much for civil liberties. I wonder if this is something the new Congress can get rid of in '07.

Posted by: erin at December 1, 2006 01:07 PM

He can't be an asshat and a man of god both. What he is is a phony.

Have a great weekend. I finally got my internet back. Third modem in two weeks!!

Posted by: ann adams at December 1, 2006 01:31 PM

Dillon is rolling over in his grave right about now. Nice.

Posted by: Adam at December 1, 2006 01:52 PM

"How amazing that being drunk as a skunk didnt cause Danny to become a raving anti-semetic racist ass. How could that be?"

Oh - I loved that!!!!!

Thanks for such a laugh-incuding post!

Posted by: Traci at December 1, 2006 02:04 PM

I read in a book once that "Once is chance, twice is coincidence, three times is conspiracy". I'd say that two nights in a row is even a little bit beyond coincidence. Three times in one week? It's totally on purpose, not matter what they she or her publicist try to make us believe (not that there was really any doubt about that).

Posted by: Judy at December 1, 2006 02:21 PM

What? A man of god and an asshat? Oh you have no idea... Chris, you haven't visited the website of my dear friends, have you?

We're coming up on the five year anniversary since the murders. :(

Posted by: Keri at December 1, 2006 02:22 PM

I can't believe Britney. She seemed to have redeemed herself by dumping K-Fed and then dropped to a whole new low, where even Paris Hilton seemed embarrassed to be out with her.

Posted by: starrynite at December 1, 2006 02:36 PM

The last time I bowled I got a 74. That woman is awesome.

Posted by: Melissa at December 1, 2006 03:19 PM

Your list looks good, but I think you've got the Britney thing wrong. She probably just read your previous post about how we all can do something small to make someone's day. Sure, it was a really bad idea, but she's not that bright.

Posted by: kim at December 1, 2006 03:23 PM

Brit-Brit needs to get a fresh wax before she flashes those parts again. My eyes have stubble burn.

Posted by: Kelly at December 1, 2006 03:36 PM

"I couldn't bowl a 244 if all the pins looked like Ann Coulter."

Of course not, regular pins have more weight and shape (not mention more sense) than AC. :)

Posted by: Latte Man at December 1, 2006 03:52 PM

You had me at "Do not glow...."

Thanks for the Friday laughs!

Posted by: Laura at December 1, 2006 04:26 PM

Maybe Brit's warming all if us up for the notorious sex tape that Kevin's been threatening her/us with.... Maybe she's trying to make it worth less $$$.... ;)

Posted by: Haley-O at December 1, 2006 05:06 PM

oh! i've got one, hot off the AZ press today...

Grandmother convicted of hauling pot...

Posted by: b. at December 1, 2006 05:10 PM

Hey there - sorry I haven't been around much lately. I guess that's what happens when you get a work deadline keeping you at the office all hours and go out of town for Thanksgiving. I'm all caught up on your blog now, and can I just say (a bit late) that the video of you and Mia was just about the best thing ever!

Posted by: Beth in StL at December 1, 2006 09:27 PM

Okay, first of all, I'd have to have at least 8 limoncellos (which I just recently discovered and are they yummy) to appear on The View without killing all of those women. And second? I was on a bowling league as a kid and never in my life have I bowled more than a 120. Of course, they never did try Ann Coulter pins...

Posted by: Annie at December 2, 2006 12:29 AM

Well itís once, twice, thrice times a vagina. On one hand itís incredibly sad to see this situation spin so uncuntrollably out of orbit. Iíve been where Britney is but at a fraction of the income. On the other handÖ where is her family and friends... Paris doesn't count.

Someone falls to pieces
Sleeping all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
She finally drifts away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
And catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave

Be yourself is all that you can doÖ.

Even when you've paid enough
Been put upon or been held up
Every single memory of the good or bad
Faces of Love
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at December 2, 2006 01:18 AM

Dude. I gotta call you out on the Rhea Perlman remark...that was pretty sexist. I mean, good lord, look who SHE's married to! Don't be dissin' the ladies based on looks...diss 'em based on their know, like Ann Coulter. ;)

Posted by: Marilyn at December 2, 2006 09:06 AM

Can't imagine what Britney was trying to accomplish by going commando three times in one week. But did she have to show her still fresh c-section scar along with that stubble? Jeesh!

I did hear she plunked down $3k on underwear at a trendy boutique. Let's hope they weren't crotchless.

Posted by: coolchick at December 2, 2006 11:44 AM

My own delicious little bit of schadenfreude is watching Elizabeth Hasselback's face on the View whenever anyone makes fun of the president. She prunes up her face and you can just FEEL her ass tighten up. Hee!

Posted by: Librarian Girl at December 2, 2006 12:36 PM

Yeah, it WAS quite a week.

Remember all of those little girls years ago who loved to emulate Brit-Brit? They are now in high school and with Lohan and Paris? I shudder to think of the "trend" that flashing the privates may start...

Posted by: Lisa B at December 2, 2006 08:26 PM