December 08, 2006

Schadenfreude Friday: It Was The Silliest Of Times...

I can take no credit for anything in today's post. Never before have stories of schadenfreude written themselves so wonderfully. Dickensonian in their profoundity, I give you two tails of tough titties.

...according to The Washington Post...

Catherine Holmes saw the ads for the so-called "dairy diet" and thought it would be a tasty way to lose a few pounds. After all, she loves buttermilk, yogurt and cheese.

Instead, the Arlington woman says, she gained three pounds on the diet, which dairy companies have spent hundreds of millions of dollars promoting. She sued the industry.

But a federal judge has ruled that under Virginia law, Holmes and other people can't take on the industry in court -- only a government entity such as the Virginia attorney general's office can. The decision last week by U.S. District Judge Leonie M. Brinkema in Alexandria threw out the lawsuit Holmes filed last year. [read more]

There are no words. I mean, really, what do you say about something like that? What kind of logic makes one sue an industry that, after the consumption of the food produced by that industry, does not induce weight loss? Seems to me, if you ingest something - especially a lot of something - you shouldn't expect to lose weight. Or am I totally off-base here?

...according to the AP...
It is considered polite to light a match after passing gas. Not while on a plane.

An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened. [read more]

Farts on a plane? Sam Jackson, I think I smell a Snakes on a Plane sequel.

By the way, don't forget about the Great Tagline Smackdown. Vote early, vote often.

Posted by Chris at December 8, 2006 07:11 AM

I'm almost not kidding when I say I would rather have snakes on a plane than farts on a plane.

Most snakes just want to be left alone, but farts are malicious bastards, who just want everyone to be as miserable as they are.

Posted by: Contrary at December 8, 2006 07:26 AM

That woman is a bit off. I'll bet she has a basement full of old exercise equipment that was supposed to do wonderful things in "just 2 weeks"

Posted by: cassie-b at December 8, 2006 07:28 AM

Maybe Lady # 2 was on the same diet as lady #1 but Lady #2 is a tad lactose intolerant...I expect another lawsuit.

Posted by: William at December 8, 2006 07:53 AM

I'd heard about the match incident, but not the dairy lawsuit... I wonder, sometimes, if America is really getting that much stupider, or if it's just that more people have access to lawyers.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at December 8, 2006 08:17 AM

Ha! Fart stories. WOohoO! It would be a woman, too. Most guys'd be like "Yeah, I farted. So?"
Now, I'm not a huge Oprah fan (because it scares me that she has SO much power and influence...kinda like the Catholic church...) but one of my favorite things she's said is...
"So the average man passes gas 14 times a day. How often do women pass gas?"
Audience waits, hanging on her every word ;-)
"14 times a day. Get over it."
One of my guy friends is just so sure that women don't fart...he's all in denial - and in for a bitter disappointment someday.
AND that's quite enough talk about farting. Sorry lol.

Posted by: Heather at December 8, 2006 08:26 AM

I swear to you my husband once lost 20lbs on a cookie diet. All cookies...all the time.
I hate him.

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at December 8, 2006 08:53 AM

I dunno... Litvinenko consumed a lot of Polonium, and he lost a fair bit of weight (yeah, death'll do that to ya).

Posted by: Kaz at December 8, 2006 08:56 AM

These people aren't dairy fart.

Rhymes with...



Posted by: Liz at December 8, 2006 09:13 AM

That's scary, that people believe everything they hear. I've got a bridge I'd like to sell Ms. Catherine Holmes.

And all I can think about is how embarrassed that lady on the plane must be NOW. I mean, she could've just denied the fart, like normal people do.

Also, should they be letting people bring things on a plane with which they can start FIRES?

Posted by: Fraulein N at December 8, 2006 09:16 AM

let's see - "fart on a plane" - ver "we are sorry but we can't find the pilot" - I prefer the Fart thing - just imagine the headlines - A PLANE WAS DOWN BECAUSE OF THE FARTMAN

Posted by: abba-daddy at December 8, 2006 10:23 AM

I hadn't heard the first story, but I agree: ridiculous. People need to be smarter than their food.

Posted by: Jessie at December 8, 2006 10:47 AM

Oh. My god. The guy responsible for farting and then trying to conceal the smell with matches? Must be researching the best ways to disappear off the face of the earth right about now.

Posted by: Kristen at December 8, 2006 11:27 AM

Only the government can sue the dairies? Ties in with milk prices being fixed under some sort of trade arrangement (unless I'm out of date which is possible).

Did you know you need the government's permission to sue the government?

Have a good weekend away from the insanity of the outside world.

Posted by: ann adams at December 8, 2006 11:57 AM

i heard the "fart lady" story on the radio on my way to work one day this week. i swear, i couldn't stop laughing about it. hilarious!

she's going to be forever known as the fart lady. how mortifying for her!

Posted by: ali at December 8, 2006 12:01 PM

Wow, it really does take all kinds!

I think I will sue the fashion industry for ruining my self esteem. I mean I could probably have had anything I want but I had lo SE thanks to their idea of the perfect man. Oh we will make millions, and we aren't in VA so that stupid law doesn't apply!

Posted by: Jeff A at December 8, 2006 12:33 PM

It's sad that the farter was actually the smarter person of those involved in that debacle.

Posted by: Brad at December 8, 2006 01:38 PM

Someone was farting in the jury box (I had jury duty)the other morning while the defendent was testifying on his own behalf. The smell was coming from behind me and I was afraid to turn around and cast an accusing eye.

Posted by: wordgirl at December 8, 2006 02:45 PM

COme on Chris, remember the woman who sued McDonalds because she spilled coffee on herself and said she didn't know it was going to be hot? Dumb people will sue for anything.

Posted by: Melissa at December 8, 2006 03:33 PM

I would take snakes any day over stink air. At least the guy was trying to be polite.

Why did I think your whole dairy story was going to have something to do with the woman's boobs? Oh well, my mind must be in the gutter.

Posted by: Debbie at December 8, 2006 05:36 PM

hahaha I read the Farts on a Plane thing a few days ago.. or maybe yesterday. I dunno. The dairy diet. Wow. Some people.

Remember Margaret Cho's thing on the pomegranate diet? That was funny!

Posted by: Debra at December 8, 2006 07:13 PM

And dude! I am so not on your giant blogroll! Add me please! :p

Posted by: Debra at December 8, 2006 07:14 PM

Oh, I hadn't heard about the dairy diet lady, but I did hear about the fart lady. Common sense, people! I mean, really!

Posted by: Beth in StL at December 8, 2006 09:27 PM

I seriously hope you don't think that reflects on ALL Texas.

Posted by: Queen of Ass at December 8, 2006 10:26 PM

So much easier to blame the size of ones ass on the industry.

Farts on a plane, that's pretty funny. I had no idea people were that stupid. Thanks for reminding me.

Posted by: nila at December 10, 2006 03:10 AM

Everyone's comments were so great, I have nothing to add. I hadn't heard of any of these things... until now. But this sort of thing should make for some interesting dinner conversation at the in-law's tonight! :-)

P.S. I made a reference to one of your recent posts this weekend on my blog. "Stole" one of your ideas... Hope that's ok..

Posted by: motherofbun at December 10, 2006 01:10 PM

I love the way the judge said "sorry love, only the state can sue the industry".

Shouldn't he have said "get over yourself lady, and get your fat arse out of my court"

It never ceases to amaze me the things people go to court for!!

Posted by: Chocolate makes it better at December 10, 2006 07:59 PM

Good job!

Posted by: Markus at December 11, 2006 11:40 AM

Good job!

Posted by: Markus at December 11, 2006 01:28 PM

Good job!

Posted by: Markus at December 11, 2006 02:14 PM

Good job!

Posted by: Markus at December 13, 2006 03:26 AM

yeah, the dairy diet sucked, I am losing a lot more weight having three sexual orgasms a day instead of the three servings of dairy a day. Same deal, more activity (a given)and with all that woo wooing one naturally decreases caloric intake. Wonder if the adult industry will start putting out ads touting the new "Sex Diet".

Three a day, I'm telling you

Posted by: Catherine Holmes at December 14, 2006 11:02 AM