December 14, 2006

The Envelope (And Vibrator) Please...

Last week, I threw down the gauntlet in the form of the Great Tagline Smackdown of 2006. As I've come to expect from you guys, the response was overwhelming. You guys are funny and clever and honestly I hate to pick the handful I'm forcing myself to highlight here. There were over 150 entries and you invariably cracked me up over the last week. As you know, my sense of humor is quirky so I might not be able to explain exactly why the winners cracked me up so much...but they did.

Third Place prizes - some genuine, custom-made Rude Cactus musical compilations - will actually be taken home by a five folks.
Patricia - "Rude Cactus: Neither Rude Nor A Cactus. Discuss"
Whit - "Rude Cactus: Polite is for Ferns"
Sarah - "Rude Cactus: Because Polite Prick is an Oxymoron"
Michelle - "Rude Cactus: Better Than An Angry Beaver"
Librarian Girl - "Rude Cactus: Sharp, Succulent, and Often Ornamental"

Second Place - the fake autographed Stephen King first edition as well as the double-compilation - goes to the lovely Alektra for her contribution - "Rude Cactus: Giving Three Shits, Thank You."

First Place goes to Martin for the inexplicably hilarious "Rude Cactus: What Normal Would Be if Normal Was Something Else." What has Martin won? Why, a 2GB MP3 player. But wait, there's more! The MP3 player won't arrive empty. Nope. It'll contain a hand picked selection of fine music.

I wish to offer Jennifer an honorable mention for persistence due to her 1,294 submissions which were all utterly brilliant. Music is headed your way too!

Thanks to all of you who humored me and played along. And to the winners - congratulations. Expect your prizes after the holidays, but only if you send me your addresses.

On a completely different note, when I got home I caught sight of something out of the corner of my eye. Upon closer inspection, I realized that I had indeed parked next to a vibrator. See for yourselves.

Should I take that as some sort of sign? And if so, of what?

(Update: To clarify, I park in a common parking area surrounded by other houses. The object in question was, therefore, not something which necessarily belonged to us. If it had been in our driveway or on the front porch, well, then I'd have to worry...)

(Update Part II: Son of Update: I wish to clarify that the ownership of said vibrator is unknown. The Cactus-Fish household is in no way associated with this wave of vibrator invasion, hitherto referred to as The Red Menace. Were we to own such a thing - not that we do - we'd never allow it to go AWOL and become a free-range vibrator.)

Posted by Chris at December 14, 2006 07:16 AM | TrackBack

When you got HOME?? As in this was in your driveway?? HAHA... I woudl take that as a sign you should have come home earlier...

Posted by: Stephanie at December 14, 2006 07:43 AM

Thank God. I knew I left it somewhere.

Posted by: Wicked H at December 14, 2006 07:43 AM

When you got home? I thought you lived in a house? You have an interesting driveway...

At any rate, parking next to a vibrator anywhere is, um, weird.

Posted by: Alissa at December 14, 2006 08:05 AM

Wow. Yeah, odd is definitely..uh, I don't even know what to say it's just so weird. I totally agree with Stephanie though and maybe you should try to get home a little sooner...Did you talk to Beth about this?!?!

Posted by: Michelle at December 14, 2006 08:13 AM

Maybe it fell out of your car...have you noticed the engine humming at all?

Posted by: William at December 14, 2006 08:15 AM

Totally agreeing with the HILARIOUS first post - Beth needs to be asked - I read her post from yesterday - she needs some sort of release! ;) Love the new tagline, btw!

Posted by: Kell at December 14, 2006 08:19 AM

I think there's a short story there, somewhere.

I love the new tagline!

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at December 14, 2006 08:20 AM

Since I am Mia's Cyber Granny, I must keep my answer clean.
Don't touch that thing, you don't know where it's been!
Love the new tagline!

Posted by: Maribeth at December 14, 2006 08:35 AM

Oh for fucksakes Chris....I just came up with my entries...I guess I think of midnight December 14th a little differently than I should ;)

The dildo....hilarious.....meaning--there is no substitute for the prick that will always be known as rude cactus :)

Posted by: Nanette at December 14, 2006 08:37 AM

Bright red huh? Interesting choice. Says something about your neighbors... I'm just not sure what.

Posted by: ktjrdn at December 14, 2006 08:41 AM

I hate to tell you, but it looks like one of those plastic cigar holders.

Posted by: Traci at December 14, 2006 08:42 AM

OH MAN! Some woman is going to be VERY frustrated whenever she realizes THAT bad boy got lost. Unless of course she wore it out and it's dead and supposed to be in the trash as she was on her way to buy a new one...I'm over-thinking this, aren't I?

Posted by: Cassia Zoe at December 14, 2006 08:44 AM

Hey, maybe that vibrator was actually the elusive polite prick!

Congratulations everyone!

Posted by: Contrary at December 14, 2006 08:49 AM

I'm with William.

Posted by: s@bd at December 14, 2006 09:00 AM

Ew. Yeah. Just ... don't touch it, whatever you do.

Posted by: Fraulein N at December 14, 2006 09:15 AM

I've been looking for that. Damn.

Posted by: Brad at December 14, 2006 09:15 AM

It's a clue from the cosmos that it's not the tagline you should be changing. Rather, you should change your blog name to "Abandoned Vibrator".

Posted by: wordgirl at December 14, 2006 09:16 AM

For the love of all that is holy, would you please clarify that it was not MY vibrator lying in the street?

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at December 14, 2006 09:16 AM

Whew!!! Good thing it wasn't yours. Worry indeed! Who on earth would treat such an important piece of equipment that way. You could have driven over it and broken it, and that would have been TERRIBLE!

Posted by: K at December 14, 2006 09:34 AM

Well, I didn't win and that sucks. But there were lots of good entries! So who won the vibrator?


Posted by: Edge at December 14, 2006 09:42 AM

Maybe Beth is trying to tell you something.

Posted by: Liz at December 14, 2006 09:42 AM

Wow, those are all great taglines!!

I can't stop parked beside a vibro, eh? That's not something you hear every day...

Posted by: mamatulip at December 14, 2006 09:55 AM

Those are all fantastic. I no longer feel bad about not entering, because I never would have come up with anything that good. (Giving three shits. Heee.)

Posted by: Dawn at December 14, 2006 09:56 AM

definately a sign you've not been home enough lately ;)

Posted by: suze at December 14, 2006 10:00 AM

Holy crap! Thanks Chris!! :)

Posted by: martin at December 14, 2006 10:01 AM

Glad to see you got some good tag lines. I didn't even try because mine would have sucked. And the vibrator ... I'm speechless.

Posted by: Heather at December 14, 2006 10:21 AM

Geez a little extra effort at the office and thats what you get in return! :-)

Posted by: Steff at December 14, 2006 10:22 AM

The first thing I thought when I saw the picture was "plastic cigar holder thingy" as well. Did you actual confirm that it was what you thought it was...?

Glad I didn't win first prize! I don't want the feds waiting at my door when an MP3 player loaded with pirated music arrives!

Posted by: Kaz at December 14, 2006 10:53 AM

Those are great! I knew you'd get some hilarious submissions. :)

Posted by: Zandria at December 14, 2006 11:03 AM

Love the wining They cracked me up!!

And a vibrator??! Ohh My! lol what a lovely parking gift, lolol. I seriously hope you didn't touch it with your bare hands...and I also hope you didn't bring it in your house, lololol

Posted by: Tammy at December 14, 2006 11:13 AM

that's a pretty crappy looking vibrator.
just sayin'

Posted by: ali at December 14, 2006 11:28 AM

Oh yay, the results are in! Good choices....your readers are FUNNY!!! I think you made a good selection...if that means anything :)

I have no words for the vibrator incident, it's much too early and coffee has yet to be consumed.

Posted by: Kate at December 14, 2006 11:31 AM

AH! That's where she went!

Posted by: Elaine at December 14, 2006 11:49 AM

but, but- I want music too! i know, i didn't suggest anything but how bout you gimme some anyway because you feel sorry for me. because i have three 15 month olds. ponder that.

Posted by: kimblahg at December 14, 2006 11:54 AM

Suuuuuuuuure...uh hu. That thing has your name written ALL.OVER.IT.

Posted by: VirgoJen at December 14, 2006 12:03 PM

I went to the store yesterday and noticed that I parked on someone's snowcap (the head was not in it). I thought about picking it up and setting it on the curb, but as I walked towards it I noticed that it said "FUCK OFF" across it.
So I kicked it under my car and left it.

On a different note, throw that bad boy in thedishwasher for a nice sterile cleaning and it will be back chipping teeth in no time.

Thanks for the prize!

Posted by: whit at December 14, 2006 12:15 PM

i admire your responsible virbrator ownership principles.

Posted by: jodi at December 14, 2006 12:24 PM

You planted that to make yourself look less boring, didn't you?

That definitely gives new meaning to a picture is worth a thousand words!

Posted by: Jules at December 14, 2006 12:32 PM

Although I'm sure it's totally out of pity that I won something, I don't care.




Oh yeah. You're not so bad either. Thanks!

Posted by: pea at December 14, 2006 12:37 PM

Rude Cactus: Neither Rude Nor A Cactus. Discuss"


Posted by: Betty at December 14, 2006 01:06 PM

Yay, now we can play spin the vibrator. With gloves of course!

Posted by: Jeff A at December 14, 2006 01:06 PM

The Red Menace?

Seriously. Why are we not best friends yet?

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at December 14, 2006 01:07 PM

I thought your WTN's moved out? Not that owning such a thing makes you white trash, but leaving (using?) one in a parking lot just might.

You got some great taglines, and I do love the winner.

Posted by: bad penguin at December 14, 2006 01:30 PM

In the immortal words of Lil John: Ha-what?

That third place showing is SO EXCITING. And the music compilation? Even MORE EXCITING.


Posted by: Librarian Girl at December 14, 2006 02:02 PM

I love your second update....too freaking funny. Man can you imagine what we did before blogs? Who in the world would have believed you without the picture?

Posted by: Melissa at December 14, 2006 02:27 PM

Totally snorted my coffee at "free-range vibrator". My mother is such a organic food junkie and only buys free-range chicken and god help me now when she puts it on the shopping list again. I'll be the one snorting and chortling while wandering the Whole Foods meat department.

Posted by: Nic at December 14, 2006 03:48 PM

hahaha Okay, I just watched "The Oh in OHio" last night and seeing a vibe sitting there just made me think of that again. Maybe this one also belonged to a woman with an addiction to her vibrator and she threw it out of her car to save herself from a long life of continuous orgasm?

Okay, maybe not.

Anyway, I'm tagging you for a meme. If you want to waste some time, come check out and play along!

Posted by: Debra at December 14, 2006 04:25 PM

OMG! Could there be a serial dildo-loser on the run?

Posted by: Geezitron at December 14, 2006 06:16 PM

Congrats to the winners - they were all much better than my lame attempt at a tagline. I'll win a CD one of these days...

As far as the Red Menace goes, there are no words.

Posted by: Beth in StL at December 14, 2006 08:16 PM

Are you saying you don't agree with the "free-range vibrator" industry? DO YOU EVEN KNOW the inhumanity that "traditional" vibrators are subject to, forced to live out their days in cages, sitting in their own waste, never getting a change to MOVE. Does this sound fair to you?

Ok I'm done now.

Posted by: Amy at December 14, 2006 10:13 PM


I bet someone on your block is NOT happy right now.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at December 14, 2006 11:28 PM

Dude. I was sick last week and was finishing up with the semester at work this week and I totally missed all the tagline fun. This is bullshit. I could have won!!!

But I will enjoy the entries!

Oh! And the vibrator photo made me laugh out loud. Hilarious.

Posted by: Janet at December 14, 2006 11:44 PM

Man your readers are so smart! (did I just compliment myself?) Those are some kick-ass taglines!
Also the red menace, hilarious! It could only happen to you (or so I think)! :)

Posted by: Dee at December 15, 2006 12:07 AM

WOW! I've never won ANYTHING before! This rules!

Posted by: alektra at December 15, 2006 07:09 AM

LOL Some of these phrases had me rolling. How fabulous... Congrats to all the winners.

And why is it that you park in a common area - not a garage? Is that common in your part of the country or is your neighborhood just unique? And how can you ever leave anything in your car??

Posted by: Emily at December 15, 2006 07:13 AM

Martin's entry has a grammatical error. I didn't even enter the contest, but just thought you should know... "was" should be replaced with "were."


Sorry, couldn't help myself!

Posted by: E :) at December 15, 2006 08:35 AM

Okay, I was giggling for most of the post until I got to the "Red Menace" part. Then I laughed out loud right as my boss passed my office door. Luckily I have mad quick minimizing skills so she didn't see the picture. Luckily.

Posted by: Jessie at December 15, 2006 09:03 AM

I loved reading the entries for the contest, but I think maybe now you need to consider a tagline with vibrator references. Maybe "What normal would be if it was laways vibrating".

Posted by: Annie at December 15, 2006 02:21 PM

Do you have to pay more for a free-range vibrator? Like cage free eggs?

Posted by: Leah at December 15, 2006 04:55 PM

It would appear from the picture that maybe you actually ran over it, and from the close up picture, it appears to have withstood the damage. So I'd have to say that is one tough red menace! Maybe it's a Timex vibrator.

Posted by: coolchick at December 15, 2006 10:16 PM

What I'm wondering is, was it still there the next morning?

The free-range vibrator reminds me of Dooce's tag line. Certified Organic Free Range. Although that thing doesn't look too organic to me. Ewww!

Posted by: Nila at December 17, 2006 07:36 AM

I saw a tampon on the ground on my way to work this morning. I was like "what the crap? Somebody's gotta be missing that thing."

Anyway...I didn't take a picture. I should have. Your's is comedy gold.

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