November 30, 2004

Time Keeps on Slipping...

It feels like its been a long day...but then again, it seems like I always say that.




Lost: November. Thirty days tall, approximately four weeks wide. Slightly chilly and dark. Last seen with accomplices answering to the names October and September, also missing, whereabouts unknown.

Posted by Chris at 08:30 PM | Comments (22)

Audioblog: The Inconsequential Audioblog Post

Don't ever say I didn't warn you...this post is completely and utterly inconsequential to life as we know it. That said, go vote while you're here, okay?

Posted by Chris at 06:21 PM | Comments (8)

To Tell The Truth (Volume IV)

My mind's a complete blank. It happens from time to time. What does that mean to you? Reader participation time!! Of the following ten "facts" only three are entirely true. You pick the right ones, you get a prize (generally in the form of a good Cactus-approved mix CD - and yes, Judy, this means another on top of what I owe you). In the event of a tie, the first correct responder will be the winner. Here goes...

1:My first car was a Jeep Wagoneer with the fake wood crap on the sides. It was demolished when I rear-ended an optometrist, of all people. The first thing he did was jump out of the car, hand me his card and ask if I had problems with my eyes.

2:The first album I ever bought was Tears For Fears' Songs From The Big Chair. I was bummed though - it didn't actually have the song "The Big Chair" on it but I did manage to find it on the b-side of a single.

3:Before I started college, I was determined, like about half the incoming freshman class, oto be a psychology major. That quickly changed and I became a history major instead.

4:When I was a little kid, I had a bizarre fascination with the television show Dance Fever. More than once, my parents walked into the living room and found me trying out some of the moves.

5:In junior high school someone dared me to try out for the pep squad. The only requirement was that you had to wear the outfit (meaning the skirt). So I did. I didn't make it past the first cut.

6:I got really, really drunk before going to my college orientation. I remember nothing.

7:In addition to the blog, I keep a paper journal to record my thoughts. Some of these things end up on the blog, others don't. I've been keeping a journal for years.

8:Of the many places I've traveled, my return to Argentina (where I was born) was possibly the most interesting. Of course, this was before the economy collapsed and Argentina became the biggest Dot-Bomb ever.

9:I have been under the protection of bodyguards.

10:I still have my original Atari 2600...and it still works. Sadly, I only have a few games left but I'm always scouring Ebay for more.

Posted by Chris at 08:56 AM | Comments (47)

November 29, 2004

The Weekend Entertainment Wrap-up

You've got four days, four solid days, ahead of you in the form of a nice long weekend. What are you going to do with it? If you're a sloth like me, you rent some movies, buy some CDs and stare at your ever-growing pile of books. Then you pull your sleeves up and start plowing through them.

The Movies:
When a Coen brothers movie works, its a wonderful thing to watch. There are, of course, duds in everyone's resume. That's where The Ladykillers comes in. Everyone over-acted, the jokes were stale, and the only reason to remake the movie from the 1950's original seemed to be dropping the f-bomb every 30 seconds. Seriously, no fucking problem with the fucking f-bomb here. Just a problem with this movie. Yes, there were a couple very funny lines. For those, I'm eternally grateful. They kept me awake.

Secret Window was a bit better. But is it me or is King constantly writing (and then selling) novels about writers who don't quite fire on all cylinders? The acting was good, Johnny Depp in particular, and the movie itself, while not earthshattering and somewhat generic, was entertaining. In stark contrast was Tape, a low-budget stage adaptation starring Ethan "White Trash, Bad Teeth" Hawke and then-wife Uma Thurman. In an effort to find the good in everything, I'll say it was marginally well-acted. That didn't quite save it from sucking, however.

Beth and I ventured out to see Finding Neverland, something I was convinced would be a schlock-fest in the form of a strident family film. Do you get the impression I wasn't too keen on seeing it? Yeah, not so much but I'm a good husband and went anyway. The verdict? It was a slight schlock-fest and it was kinda strident but it was actually a nice film. And for those of you who just see Depp for the stud-factor, this one proves he's a damn fine actor.

When we first saw the trailer for Sideways, I wanted to see it. It opened this weekend so we hit the theaters to catch it. It wasn't quite as strong as I'd hoped, but it was an excellent film. The acting, primarily Paul Giamati, was excellent. And who knew that dude from Wings could actually act? The music was good and if you're at all interested in wine, you need to see it. But can you tell me why we were the youngest people in the theater by a good ten years?

I saved the best for last - Man on the Train is going on my all-time favorite movie list. Yes, its French and subtitled but that really shouldn't turn anyone off. A certain blogger (that would be me) disses a lot of foriegn films. Prior to this one I could have been heard attempting a white trash southern accent saying, "Dis ones one dem fern fims. Got dem poppy-up eenglish words on da bottom." This film proves something through - many foreign films, particularly French movies, do more for character development in two hours than Hollywood crams into ten hours of good filmmaking. I can't recommend this one enough.

The Music:
What's the most hyped album this year? U2's How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb. Is it worth the hype? Eh, kinda.

Granted, the hype was huge. "Vertigo," the lead-off single from the album, got everyone thinking this was a high energy album. So imagine my surprise when the second track limped along losing any momentum the opener had created. Gone was the sense of immediacy. Sure, it picks up but never completely delivers on the promise of a return to the great anthems and urgency of Joshua Tree. That said, How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb combines the experience the band showed with All That You Can't Leave Behind and the strengths of Joshua Tree to provide us with their best in a long long time. I may not buy into the "greatest band in the world" theory, but they're sure trying and they sure sound good doing it.

I found myself listening to other things as well...Dylan's Blonde on Blonde and Blood on the Tracks, The Stones' Exile on Main Street, Rufus Wainwright's Want Two, Marillion's Marbles and Peter Gabriel live in Vienna.

The Books:
What's a weekend without reading a few books? I wont talk about any of them here (that's what my end-of-the-month review is for), but three books ain't bad in a weekend.

And now, the ratings...
The Ladykillers:
Man on the Train:
Secret Window:
Sideways:
Finding Neverland:
Tape:
How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb:

Did you guys actually make it through this whole thing? I'm impressed!

Posted by Chris at 07:27 PM | Comments (11)

Thanksgiving Lessons Learned

Things I learned over the long weekend:

It is possible to entirely forget about work. This is a highly desirable yet fragile state interrupted by alarm clocks on Monday mornings.

My family? They're nuts. I already knew this but each little gathering merely confirms it. Luckily, they're a lovable kind of nuts, not the kind that go on killing sprees or have six cats or keep adding onto their already too massive house. Despite or maybe because of all these things, I'm thankful for them.

I frequent Dunkin Donuts too much. Evidence? The conversation my wife ended up having with the owner on Saturday in which she suggested they try and get me to eat better.

I'm an overachiever when it comes to lazy activities. I watched a gazillion (or five) movies, read three books, listened to a few new albums and worked on my site. None of these activities required standing up.

My neighborhood is almost like West Side Story, only with furry woodland creatures instead of Sharks and Jets. You remember the squirrel, right? Well, I hope you gathered that it didn't die of natural causes. It was attacked. Then I spied a pissed-off looking skunk in my backyard (very much alive, on the correct side of the dirt, if you will) on Saturday and witnessed a cat fight (literal, not figurative) yesterday morning. I think they're all tied together. Get me, I'm like Magnum PI...except for the mustache, the fact that I'm not in Hawaii and I'm mainly dealing with animals here.

Spyware can just kiss my ass...instead of kick it. Yes, my home machine is grappling with the evil forces of spyware. Oh, and thank god for XPs system restore.

I have an acute case of schadenfreude when it comes to professional sports, specifically football, in Washington. Why is it that I take so much pleasure in a Redskins loss? Perhaps I just like the fact that the return of Joe Gibbs isn't akin to the second coming the way everyone thought.

Posted by Chris at 09:47 AM | Comments (16)

Haiku For Monday #56

"Good morning, this is
Monday. Forgot about me
did ya? Now get up!!"

Posted by Chris at 06:41 AM | Comments (8)

November 28, 2004

Night Lights




Just your ordinary streetlamp...and a guy with a camera pressed up to his face spinning around on his deck at night.

Posted by Chris at 11:13 AM | Comments (14)

November 27, 2004

...Gathers Moss

OR, THE DEATH OF MUSIC JOURNALISM

It shouldn't surprise anyone that I, a musician and music lover with half the stock of your average Tower Records in my basement, love reading about music. Especially from writers who truly love music themselves. Now, there's a guy you might have heard of who's perhaps my favorite writer of all things musical - Nick Hornby. With High Fidelity he managed to write the treatise on the mix tape and, in his collection of essays entitled Songbook, he illustrated the powers of music as a filing system for memories. If you haven't read either, get thee to a bookstore posthaste. Seeing the movie version of High Fidelity just isn't good enough. And even if you don't know any of the songs he discusses in Songbook, you'll most likely find it enjoyable.

Hornby isn't the only competent writer who owns a stereo. No, there are actually plenty of those. The sad thing is that they don't seem to work for Rolling Stone any longer. And I'm kinda sad about that.

Over the past couple years, my issues of Rolling Stone have faithfully been delivered to me and in that time, I've noticed a disturbing trend. Lists. Its all about lists. The latest issue showcased the "500 Greatest Songs" in the history of man. Previous issues have listed the greatest albums, most influential bands, most stylish cover art, best production, biggest hair, etc... Here's the lesson - when you don't want to think up content, make lists. Its not that I don't enjoy lists. I'll get into arguments about why the Beatles made it onto the list 26 times and Nirvana only once...or Richard Thompson and Nick Drake never. Sure, Dylan's brilliant but where's Aimee Mann?

As for Rolling Stone, the enthusiasm doesn't seem to be there anymore. I'd like them (and everyone) to feel like Hornby does - "...when people ask me what music I like, I find it very difficult to reply, because they usually want names of people and I can only give them song titles. And mostly all I have to say about these songs is that I love them, and want to sing along to them, and force other people to listen to them, and get cross when these other people don't like them as much as I do..."

Posted by Chris at 04:30 PM | Comments (15)

November 26, 2004

Thanksgiving (The Aftermath)

Yesterday, I couldn't believe it was already Thanksgiving. Today, I can't believe that its over!

Beth and I headed over to her parents' place yesterday afternoon for dinner with her parents (of course), her brother and his wife and my folks. And we did what any right-thinking American family would do - we ate way the hell too much and then, of course, complained about how much we ate. I'm pretty convinved Beth's mom is some sort of sorceress or something. From her moderately sized kitchen, she somehow managed to produce the largest quantity of food I think I've ever seen in one place. If my recollection is correct, we had mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, turkey, two kinds of stuffing, two types of gravy, an experimental rutabega, corn, brussles sprouts and a spinach strudle. Of course this was followed by two types of pie. Are you surprised we were all in such pain?

I hope you all had as wonderful a Thanksgiving (or, if you're not in the States, just Thursday) as we did. Now, I have to try to catch up on all my email! I've been such a slacker lately...

Posted by Chris at 02:35 PM | Comments (16)

November 25, 2004

Thanksgiving

I have a hard time believing Thanksgiving is here already! I've been wondering what happened to September and October and, all of the sudden, December's almost here.

Its cliche and traditional to sit around and think of all the stuff you're thankful for...and I think I'm lucky enough to have a pretty long list. I won't bore you with that here. But I do want you to know that I'm thankful for each and every one of you. Why you read, IM, email, leave comments and link to me, I'm not always sure, but I appreciate the fact that you do. I have always said that I've got the best readers, the best friends, in the world. When I'm running through that list of stuff, that list of things I'm genuinely thankful for, I assure you that you're all on it.

I leave you with one of my truly favorite songs. It may not seem completely appropriate but there are a couple lines that seem about right. Please right click, save as, and have a wonderful, safe holiday.

Posted by Chris at 09:52 AM | Comments (25)

November 24, 2004

Update: The Squirrel

So that you may all have closure to the tragic squirrel incident, I'd like to report that it is resting comfortably in otherworldly furry slumber. I braved the cold, the rain and odd stares from the neighbors, armed with a shovel and gloves, carved an eternal resting place amongst the trees he (or she) once called home, and laid the little woodland creature to rest. It would have been quite moving...

(disturbing content ahead)

...had I not almost cut through our underground cable line...and the squirrels head not, well, come off.

Posted by Chris at 01:28 PM | Comments (28)

Sleeps With The Fishes Squirrels

I'm working from home today. I grabbed my cup of coffee and went out on the back deck overlooking my backyard. In doing so, I noticed that we had a visitor - a squirrel. A very dead squirrel.

Now, I'm not one for conspiracy theories but what are the chances this is an accident? Far from a high-crime area, our neighborhood is quiet and scerene. But its Fall, and the summer of Timmy The Lawnboy has passed. Last year I felt compelled to rake my own leaves and turn down his offers of help shoveling snow. I can't help but feel, a la Godfather, that this is his horse-head-in-the-bed way of saying, "let me rake your lawn, bitch." Granted, the kid's only ten or eleven. But still. I guess the fact that he mowed the lawn in a custom-tailored Italian suit should have tipped me off.

Posted by Chris at 07:57 AM | Comments (13)

November 23, 2004

Air Conditioning The Neighborhood

At the request of Pink Stiletto, I've snapped a shot of my fridge. The thing is? Its not an exciting week in our fridge. There are holidays for which we aren't preparing anything - that's what family is for. So its pretty quiet in there...



-

Posted by Chris at 07:49 PM | Comments (17)

Essential Truths


Truth #1: Its fucking cold in here! Guess I should put my pants back on...

Truth #2: The good thing about being the boss? Delegation. Bad thing about being the boss? Delegation. Its a quiet day and I'm just waiting for other people.

Truth #3: My big meeting scheduled to take place tomorrow isn't happening. This means I can work from home. That makes me happy.

Truth #4: Cameraphones are for people who are bored at work...like me.

Truth #5: You can't handle the truth! At least the fifth one!

Posted by Chris at 12:48 PM | Comments (11)

A Tuesday History Lesson

The Lincoln Memorial at night

This 19 foot tall, 175 ton marble sculpture was crafted by Daniel Chester French in 1915. The memorial in which it sits is surrounded by 36 columns representing each of the states of the Union at the time of Lincoln’s death. The population of the United States when Lincoln was shot was estimated at 32 million. When the monument was completed in 1922, the Union had expanded to 48 states. The names of each of these states were carved into the exterior walls of the monument.

Lincoln’s hands form an A and an L in American Sign Language. This is reported to be merely a coincidence despite the fact that Lincoln, in 1864, signed the charter for Gallaudet University, the nation’s first permanent public school for the deaf.

Lincoln’s son was very nearly killed after a fall near a passing train. He was yanked to safety by John Wilkes Booth’s brother. John didn’t seem as nimble as his brother, however. After shooting Lincoln, Booth jumped onto the stage and promptly tripped – over an American flag.

Tom Hanks is Lincoln’s third cousin four times removed.

Lincoln was the first president to grow a beard. He did so at the suggestion of an 11 year old girl who wrote Lincoln a letter and mailed it to the White House. Lincoln is also the first and only president from Kentucky and one of only two presidents without church affiliations. The other was Andrew Johnson, Lincoln’s vice president. When Johnson, a democrat, succeeded Lincoln, a republican, no vice president was ever named.

Posted by Chris at 08:09 AM | Comments (13)

November 22, 2004

A-Dressing My Concerns

Kraft Foods Global, Inc.
Consumer Response Group

To Whom It May Concern:

I wanted to take a few minutes and express my concerns over a specific Kraft product I recently acquired – Kraft’s Free Honey Dijon salad dressing. While I enjoy many of your fine products (who knew you made all the things you make – Grey Poupon mustard, Jell-O, Balance energy bars, Oreo pie crusts, Grape Nuts cereal, a plethora of cheeses, Barnum’s Animal Crackers, Altoids mints, and Planters peanuts – to name a few?), I must say, kind people, that the dressing is simply not good. As I’ve heard young people exclaim these days, it sucks ass. Yet, surely that sullies the good name of ass and does a great disservice to the nether-regions of so many.

After tasting the dressing in question, it became clear that, if I was stuck in a desert in a far off land again, and the only thing available for me to consume was this dressing, it would be a toss-up between that and my own arm. Having been rescued last time by the remote N’Du-lu tribe in central Africa, nursed back to health only by native tabala leaves and the potent powers of dried, ground African bumble bee wings, I’m not eager to repeat this experience. There are few things one can count on in life but here are two - I will not be traveling to Africa again, no matter how big the diamonds are reputed to be, and I will not be buying Kraft’s Honey Dijon salad dressing again.

People say Stephen King is a scary read - I was rather perturbed to read the nutritional information. The dressing is touted as being “fat free” yet the nutritional information clearly indicates it contains a “trivial” amount of fat and cholesterol. As my grandfather would say, “as my grandfather would say, ‘tell the truth or I’m lighting someone in this room on fire and its certainly not going to be me.’” Grandad Murray was a strict disciplinarian but boy howdy did he love his foodstuffs. And the stories! One day, Murray was out on the farm with his combine and he got a hankering for a steak. About a split second later, he was crossing the fields into the pasture and he ran right over the first fat cow he saw. Grandma Eunice saw what was going on and, armed with her butcher paper, headed out to the pasture and started wrapping up the meat right there. “It was amazing,” she recalled from her deathbed, “how they were just perfect cuts of meat! Old Murray never was able to repeat that stunt and he went through a couple hundred head of cattle trying.” Anyway, tangent. Focus. Surely any fat, no matter how “trivial” the amount negates any claim of fat-freedom!

In closing, let me just quote Gregory Peck’s character in the forgotten yet unfortunately named Hitchcock classic “Death Knocks Twice Then Rings The Doorbell and Finally Settles for Leaving a Little Note” – “You were never cut out for this killing business, Malloy, but you always made very fine cheese. You shoulda stuck to it!”

Posted by Chris at 04:34 PM | Comments (17)

Haiku For Monday #55

Why do weekends fly?
Perhaps the birthday surprise
Made it seem that way.

Posted by Chris at 07:13 AM | Comments (7)

November 21, 2004

Surprise!!

At last I can spill the secret I've been keeping for months. I couldn't tell Beth and I couldn't even tell the Internet! As a movie title once proclaimed, its about last night...

You see, last evening we were supposed to go to Beth's parents for a nice family dinner, to celebrate her recent 30th birthday. At least, that's what she thought we were going to do. Our families all get along very well, which is wonderful. My parents were supposed to be there along with her brother and his wife. As we left to drive to her parent's place, imagine her surprise when the doorbell rang and a strange person told us "your car is here." Beth looked at me funny, I smiled and said "trust me." She seemed even more shocked when she saw an incredibly long stretch limo waiting in front of our house. And, once she stepped into the limo, our entire families were already inside.




We kept our destinations a secret but we soon arrived in downtown Washington at Ten Penh, a swanky, hip restaurant that happens to be one of our favorites. The restaurant menus had been changed for the evening to read "Happy 30th Birthday Beth" at the top. The dinner was spectacular and the birthday cake that followed caused us all to nearly explode.

After dinner, we hopped back in the limo and took a tour of the monuments. The earlier rain had subsided and we found ourselves visiting the Lincoln Memorial on what turned into a spectacular and unusually warm November evening.

Beth, still unaware of what was to come if anything, and the rest of us piled back into the limo and headed to the DC Improv to see Jake Johannsen. For nearly two hours we laughed our asses off, so much so that my throat is killing me and voice is about 27 octaves lower this morning...somewhere in Barry White territory.

We made it home and into bed by 2:00 this morning, after what was a sneaky yet amazing evening. I'm still amazed I didn't blow the surprise - I have no poker face - but it was well worth the pains of keeping such a secret.

Posted by Chris at 11:10 AM | Comments (39)

November 20, 2004

Sleep, And A Clumsy Butt

Last night's main mission? Acquire sleep. Mission status? Accomplished...kinda.

Beth drifted off into a nice peaceful sleep...I wasn't yet tired, so I cracked open a book and read for awhile. Then I had to get out of bed. In an effort not to disturb Beth, I attemtped to get out of bed the way Houdini might have tried to get out of a straightjacket. Both cats strategically located themselves on the bed so as to further raise the level of difficulty. It won't be a surprise to anyone that, clumsy as I am, I managed to send the lamp on my side of the bed flying across the room...after I hit it with my ass.

Of course, Beth woke up. "Are you okay?" she asked groggily. "The cats okay?" she continued, sure that they had caused the ruckus (its not often, I get to use the word "ruckus"). "Yeah, they're fine," I said. "I knocked the lamp off with my ass!" I continued, as if proud. In retrospect, I should have just blamed the cats.

Posted by Chris at 04:55 PM | Comments (14)

November 19, 2004

Simple Equations




Simple equation: Friday+Home=Good. Like I said, simple. You've put up with some weird stuff this week from me - odd search stings, the freaks I run into on a seemingly regular basis, and more about my sex life than you probably ever wanted to know. Thanks for hanging with me...despite the fact that I've been so busy I haven't visited you all as much as I should have. To make up for it, I give you Tenacious D - please right click, save as.

Posted by Chris at 06:04 PM | Comments (13)

Exhausted

I think I say it at the end of just about every week - I'm exhausted. But really, this time its true (boy, megaphone, "wolf!")! It doesn't help that work's been especially rough. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying it but there have been about 3,486 too many meetings. And I've been dealing with budgets which means numbers and I hate numbers. The real problem is that I've been waking up, oh, around 3:00 in the morning. I like being up and getting into work early...but that's insane. But I'm here! And so far, I'm the only one on my floor that's here. That's a Friday for ya.

Places to go, people to meet, meetings to attend. More later...

Posted by Chris at 07:21 AM | Comments (16)

November 18, 2004

World Wide Weird

Two things - in the Unintentionally Funny Spam category, I give you the following. I'm not really sure why I find it so funny, but it cracked me up!




Next,I was mulling over my site stats this afternoon and I stumbled on the search strings that brought some people here. Have I mentioned lately that people scare me sometimes? Figured I'd share some more with you.

Search strings: Searching for search strings? My god. Doesn't that cause a rift in the space-time continuum?

Big bootie: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?

Monday sucks Mickey Mouse: Mondays suck. But I don't know if they suck that bad. Maybe only Donald.

Albino porn: Might I recommend White Men Can't Hump?

Hello my name is tags: Hey, Tags!

Ass slips: Ever just been sitting there at a bar after work and suddenly find yourself on the floor? Yep, another case of ass slippage.

Freddie Mercury - hat birthday party: I'm not sure what to do with this one. Really, what were you thinking? Too. Many. Jokes.

How to eat cactus: Please step away from the blog.

Mooning gnome: And my Indian name is Laughing Cactus.

Blas Elias 2004: How scary is it that I know Blas Elias is the drummer for hair metal band Slaughter? Very.

Freezing snow nude: All it takes is a sustained temperature at or below 32 degrees. I'm not sure why nudity is required.

Rasputin tits: Well, same to you, Ivan The Terrible Ass!

Hovercraft portable toilet: Get a patent. You're going places, baby. Taking multi-tasking to an all new level.

Posted by Chris at 06:02 PM | Comments (26)

Good Samaritan...Almost

I was on my way into work this morning and there was this car, a gold Saturn, about fifty feet ahead of me in a left turn lane. There was something, like a long streamer, hanging from the underside of the car. And when I say long? I'm talking another good fifty feet. The light turned green, we turned and then the driver pulled over, obviously recognizing that there was something wrong. I was going to stop and help until, well, I saw what she was dragging. The streamer wasn't a streamer at all. It was yellow tape bearing the repeated phrase POLICE LINE: DO NOT CROSS. Uh...oops?

I'd like to draw your attention to my wife's site for what is, I believe, one of the funniest posts I've read anywhere in a very long time. And I'm not just saying that because she's my wife.

Posted by Chris at 07:12 AM | Comments (24)

November 17, 2004

Technical Difficulties

Yep, Rude Cactus was down a good portion of the afternoon. Somewhere, some dude operating heavy machinery took out some piece of fiber that was a critical link in the Cactus Network. Anyhoo, seems to have been fixed. I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog entry of the day.

Posted by Chris at 08:15 PM | Comments (8)

I'm A Sex Machine...No, Really

We need to have the sex talk. Yeah, you and me. Its about time, dontcha think?

You see, my wife and I are trying to achieve knockedupitude, preggers, and, if we're lucky, we will also be with child. We're both reasonably bright people so, after a great amount of thought and some careful planning, we figured the best way to go about making this whole thing happen was to have sex. We did some of that...then did it some more and, for good measure, threw in a little extra added bonus sex. But, as you know from past posts, that hasn't so much worked. Doctors were called, dye was injected into places no dye should ever be injected, sterile plastic cups and bad porn got involved and much testing was done. The results were promising. Beth's healthy and I'm not shooting blanks spermifically challenged. Still? Nothing. No bun in the oven and the rabbit's still chomping carrots in its hutch. So the doctor gave us a simple prescription - have sex every other day.

So I'm a sex machine. (And before I go on, can I just ask where this supposed doctor was when I was 15? Give a kid a break!)

I don't want anyone to think I'm bitching about sex. Don't break out the world's tiniest violins and play a sonata for me. I have, however, discovered that where sex is involved there is a certain advantage to being a woman. Women can just lie there while men have to be, well, motivated. ATTENTION! All members must report for duty and rise to the occasion, wink wink nudge nudge. Frankly such performance on command can be a little intimidating. And awkward. Yes, sex can be awkward with someone you've been with for 12 years, someone to whom you've been married for five years. Don't doubt me. It can be less than romantic at times.

We're silly too. That doesn't help. Like the other night when I did my armadillo impression (don't think too hard, people. You'll hurt yourselves and never visit my site again. While it involved little clothing, it was mostly innocent. I wasn't trying to add a page to the Kama Sutra or anything). And then there was the evening after a long, difficult day in which I'd clearly worked too much and somehow summarized sex into a standard project management work breakdown structure:

1 Do it (s: 9:57 PM e: 10:34 PM)
1.1 Foreplay (s: 9:57 PM e: 10:09 PM)
1.1.1 Kiss wife (s: 9:57 PM e: 10:01 PM)
1.1.2 Get nekkid (s: 10:02 PM e: 10:03 PM)
1.1.3 Kiss wife more (s: 10:04 PM e: 10:07 PM)

You get the picture. In my own defense, I didn't break out the dry erase markers and plot it out on a Gantt Chart. Even though she was overheard whispering the words "talk consultant to me."

But even with all this planning, the adherence to strict time lines and the self-consciousness and lack of romance that accompanies any undertaking such as this, its still sex. And its with the woman I love. And its for a very good cause. Until then? Nose, or something, to the grindstone.

Posted by Chris at 07:26 AM | Comments (46)

November 16, 2004

My Own Horn: Toot Toot

As my dear friend Alektra mentioned in an earlier comment, I've been nominated for a Diarist award for best overall blog. This isn't a plug by any stretch of the imagination. I don't toot my own horn particularly well. But should you be interested in taking part in the votes, go to the open voting site to cast your ballot. There are some great folks with great blogs and entries nominated this time around. Its an honor to be among them.

Posted by Chris at 07:56 PM | Comments (11)

The Name Game

Beth and I played a little guessing game over dinner, trying to recall a friend's name. She knew it. I had to guess.

Beth: Ok, you want to keep guessing?
Me: Yeah. Guillermo!
Beth: No. Not even close.
Me: Winston?
Beth: No, think Biblical. Like Moab.
Me: But not Moab?
Beth: No. Not Moab.
Me: Moses? No...too obvious. Lets see. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Harvey, Stan...
Beth: Bubba!
Me: Yes, Bubba! Little known patron saint of gun racks and wife-beaters.

Trust me, the answer was not Bubba. I never did guess correctly.

Posted by Chris at 07:34 PM | Comments (5)

Turds of a Feather...

I present to you the following conversation between two store employees at a local office supply place.

Dude One: The turds are totally awesome this year.
Dude Two: Yeah, man. The turds are excellent this year.
Dude One: Better than the turds last year.
Dude Two: You bet.
Dude One: Oh, and when they go hunting, they totally bust through walls and shit.
Dude Two: And they break out those bows and rifles? Kick ass.
Dude One: Yeah. Awesome turds this year

Is "turd" some new street lingo for something I know nothing about? Am I that old and out of touch? Otherwise, WTF?

Posted by Chris at 07:25 AM | Comments (26)

November 15, 2004

Weekend Flix

Aside from the birthday weekend, what else did we do? Well, we watched a lot of movies. Even went to two. Here's the rundown...

Dirty Pretty Things
Dirty Pretty Things is the latest starring that cute chick from Amelie. I’m not sure I can adequately describe the plot. Let’s just say that it was weirdness. And I’m not opposed to weirdness, in general. But weirdness must be well executed. I’m not sure this was. Quick plot summary: Former doctor who ran away from political strife in Africa is an illegal immigrant driving a taxi and working in a hotel in London. Amelie Chick is a Turkish refugee and working illegally in the same hotel. And this hotel? Weird shit goin’ down, peeps. Like organ donations. See? I told you it was strange. Normally, I’d watch pretty much anything with Amelie Chick. The problem is, she brought nothing to the movie. Its like Grace Kelly showing up and leaving the hotness in her trailer, Audrey Hepburn forgetting the elegance in the car, or Robin Williams refusing to break out the funny. These things just shouldn't happen. But it did here. The breakout star was Chiwetel Ejiofor. His performance is worth the rental fee.

The Office: Season One
I realize I’m a couple years behind the rest of the world when it comes to The Office. I’ve got BBC America. I’ve flipped it on and I’ve never really been all that amused. But you people keep telling me I should watch it and, being a dutiful blogger, subject to the will of his readers, wishing only to please, I follow instructions. What did I think? I’m not sure. Its not the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. But it is funny…in an extremely dry kind of way. And I know why I didn’t find it funny flipping it on in the middle of an episode on TV. You have to watch these in order, you have to get to know the characters and their neuroses (of which there are plenty). Its astonishingly well-written, wonderfully acted and the entire thing is genius. I’m warming up to it.

Bridget McBeal: For No Good Reason
Playing the lead role in Chris The Good Husband this weekend, since it was my wife’s birthday, I agreed to go see the latest Bridget McBeal movie. Let me clear up something here and now – I do not despise chick flicks. I actually enjoy many of them. This, however, was not one of them. The first one was decent. See Bridget. See Bridget be insecure and stuff. See Bridget bitch and moan about being single. See two guys fight over Bridget. See Bridget pick one and be happy. Fine, enough said. Did we need more? Nuh-uh. But we got more. This time Bridget’s got it all and yet she’s still all complainy. While she was a likable character in the first, she’s just a brat in this one. The fake, posh British accent Renee Zellwigout puts on doesn’t help either. Why not move Bridget to Boston, set her up in a law firm where she can imagine she’s seeing dancing babies and fall in love with quirky legal partners or, maybe, Robert Downey Jr. and pepper the whole thing with lots of Vonda Shepherd and Barry White tunes? Oh, wait. That’s been done, hasn’t it?

The Life of David Gale
It was expected that The Life of David Gale would be a controversial film. It wasn’t because no one actually went to see it. Including me. But I’m glad I eventually got around to watching it. Sure, its heavy. You wouldn’t really expect a movie about the death penalty to be a feel good film, wouldya? While yes, it is a downer, its also extraordinarily well-acted - Kevin Spacey is excellent as is Kate Winslet. Its less of a discussion about the death penalty than it is a story about one extraordinary case. And although my wife guessed it half-way though, there’s an interesting twist.

Kill Bill Vol. 2
I’ve never been Quentin Tarintino’s biggest fan. I think he’s overrated. And pretty much a freak. And a spazz. I know…pot, kettle, black and all that. Why Reservoir Dogs is so highly thought of, I’ll never understand. Pulp Fiction was good, not great. But the combination of volumes one and two of Kill Bill constitute a brilliant film. Maybe I’ve finally seen the light. Maybe I get it now. While Kill Bill Volume 1 was primarily focused on carnage, the second volume showed us the relationships driving the whole story (well, there was some eye plucking, gunshots to the head and plenty of blood too). The combination of excellent acting, beautiful direction and fantastic music made me believe that Quentin’s not just an overrated hack. He might actually know what he’s doing. But he’s still a spazz.

The Grudge
Know what I really like? A good horror movie that creeps my ass out. Not one with a requisite decapitation every two minutes but one that toys with you a little bit, one that’s a little smart, not just one that aims for the lowest common denominator. The Grudge fit the bill. Sure, there are very few people you’ve heard of in it, the acting’s not spectacular and Buffy Michelle Slayer didn’t add anything – that character could have been played by anyone. Its not a character-driven movie - just an overall things-that-go-bump-in-the-Japanese-night kinda movie. Creepy? Yes. Fun? Definitely.

Aimee Mann: Live at St. Ann’s Warehouse
Aimee’s the Mann! The recently released package (containing a live DVD and accompanying audio CD) is a pleasure to listen to and watch. Mann’s performance is much like her songs – nothing flashy, pretty straightforward but enthusiastic. Her backing band was solid (although her guitarist? Yeah, I could do that. Aimee, if you’re listening and need a guitarist for that new album, let me know, okay?) and the setlist was fantastic. Dude, she played a killer version of Invisible Ink, my favorite Mann song. What more could I ask for?

Bottom Line:
Dirty Pretty Things:
The Office: Season One:
Bridget McBeal: For No Good Reason:
The Life of David Gale:
Kill Bill Vol. 2:
The Grudge:
Aimee Mann: Live at St. Ann’s Warehouse:
Monday:

Posted by Chris at 02:59 PM | Comments (16)

The Birthday Weekend Recap

Much to her dismay, Beth turned thirty this weekend. Instead of boldly ignoring the entry into a new decade, we pretty much had a whole birthday weekend. You only turn thirty once, right?

Friday and Saturday were relaxing days. There were movies and TiVo watched (I'll talk about those later...wait for it), books started and books finished, fine dining and general merriment. But Sunday? That was the big day! I cooked us both a very large breakfast to start off the day - eggs, hashbrowns, bagels, tea and orange juice. Then we relaxed that off for a little while before going to see a movie (The Grudge...again, wait for it). Sufficiently creeped out, we went home and I gave Beth my second birthday gift, the first being extravagant bling (again, you only turn thirty once and diamonds just have to help ease the pain, right?). She's always been a Paul Simon fan so what would be better than every single one of his albums? So she listened to Paul while I read some stuff and watched some stuff. Then we headed out for dinner at our favorite Indian place. Wonderful as always. We returned, stuffed, and I hauled out the cake I'd bought to celebrate the occasion. Is there anything better than cheap grocery store cake? I think not.

There it is - the quick birthday weekend recap! Now I have to turn my attention to budgets and project plans and work breakdown structures and all the other fine buzzwords that go into rolling out a project. Um, I preferred the weekend, thank you very much.

Posted by Chris at 09:52 AM | Comments (17)

Haiku For Monday #54

Ahhh grasshopper. Sole
response to screaming alarm
clock? Karate chop!

Posted by Chris at 07:13 AM | Comments (9)

November 14, 2004

Happy Birthday Beth!!


DSC01933 copy.jpg

Posted by Chris at 08:32 AM | Comments (24)

November 13, 2004

Looking Up

It's Saturday! The cold weather stuck around but the rain seems to have fled (have I mentioned how miserable it was here yesterday?). Best of all? No meetings! Happy Saturday everyone!!

Posted by Chris at 08:49 AM | Comments (12)

November 12, 2004

Meetings...GAH!!

That last meeting? Yeah. I almost shoved a pen into my eye just for a diversion. Crazy Client and all his damn examples...

CC: So, lets say we had 100 reports, added 50 throughout the year, completed 5 of them. What kind of progress would we be able to show for the quarter?
What I Wanted to Say: What the fuck are you talking about? Its Friday. I don't do math on Friday.
CC: Or let me use another example. Say we have a 25% increase in the reports and we mitigate 75% of those yet we still have 1500 for the year. What do those numbers speak to?
WIWtS: You're the sick bastard that came up with all those fifth grade word problems aren't you? You and your obsession with trains leaving the station and how many jelly beans were left when Sue, Walter and John had taken all their favorite flavors.
CC: I can see you don't get where I'm coming from...another example: We have 100 reports, added 50 throughout the year, completed 5 of them. What kind of progress would we be able to show for the quarter?
WIWtS: That was your first example, you tool. Why don't you tell me how long it will take you to get your ass and the horse it rode in on back to the hole from whence you came. Use the following equation to compute: X x Y=Z

Let X=sustained asskickings per minute
Let Y=force of X in pounds per square inch
Let Z=the speed at which a client will flee given said asskicking.
Solve for Z

No, I'm not disgruntled at all. What would make you say that? Seriously, I've had just about enough of this meeting thing for the week. One more to go...

Posted by Chris at 02:30 PM | Comments (10)

Friday, You Say?

...surely you jest. At the rate this week has been going, I figured it for some day in, oh, 2018. In other words...long week!

Yes, I have more meetings today but not nearly as many. The thing that bothers me most about today? I have to present briefings about two projects I'm running to The Uber Boss. In the grand scheme of things around here, he's pretty much Godzilla to my Mothra...War and Peace to my Harlequin romance novel...Hummer to my Big Wheel. In other words, he's important. So, yeah, that's got me a little nervous.

Before I hook my bag of coffee up to the IV drip in my office, I want to respond to what Beth said during Open Mic Thursday. Yes, I did actually give myself a concussion from jumping on the bed. And no, I wasn't five - I was 22 or 23. Also, I did in fact trash my knee dancing in the kitchen with my lovely wife. I put it right through a wall. There are many more...maybe if you're nice to her she'll share more. Because yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am a doof and proud of it!

Posted by Chris at 08:00 AM | Comments (14)

November 11, 2004

At The End Of The Day

Oh dear lord the meetings! Yes, they started early and ended late but I'm still alive (somewhat) at the end of the day...

Thanks to all the guest bloggers. You guys seriously livened up what was sure to be a boring blogging day. Its nice to see faces both familiar and new. Thank you all for gracing my site with your brilliance today! I bow to your greatness.

Now I'm off...to collapse on the couch with some Survivor then slip into a comatose state which will hopefully leave me in utter bliss, dreaming of non-worky things, until 5:30 AM at which time I get to wake up and do this all over again. At least it'll be Friday!

Posted by Chris at 08:26 PM | Comments (5)

Open Mic Thursday

I rolled out of a warm bed into a cold bedroom, drove into work despite the federal holiday (that we don't get off), and I'm now staring at my Outlook calendar in disbelief. Starting at 9:00 this morning, I'll essentially be in meetings until around 4:00 this afternoon. Instead of running screaming from the building, I guess I'll just tough it out and see what happens. So, talk amongst yourselves. No, really. Today has miraculously become Open Mic Thursday - in other words, your turn to say whatever it is you want to say here. Whatcha waiting for? Don't be shy!

Follow the link and login using the following information:
Username: Guest
Password: meeting$$uck

Don't let me down, tell all your friends and don't forget to sign your work.

Posted by Chris at 08:18 PM | Comments (6)

I'd like to buy the world a big smack upside the head

Rude? Prickly? I can be a bit of both. I figured it was only proper to take advantage and guest post here.

After a long day at work, sometimes you just wanna come home and have a nice, tall glass of Coca Cola. That works fine, usually. But if you have a roommate who likes to tighten the bottlecap like they're securing Fort Knox, it gets to be a little much.

The fact that I have to use a rubber jar opener just to get the cap to budge, further proving that I could do to start a weight training program, puts me in a bad mood. All I wanted was a glass of Coke! I'd gladly drink it a little flat if it meant that the damned cap would turn without me having to shred my palm in the process!

With the bottle finally opened, I retreat to my room with the entire mess, no glass needed. Somehow, the experience has already been ruined for me, carbonation or not.

I'm not usually this melodramatic. Or maybe I am.

-Daria, the Diner Bitch

Posted by at 06:25 PM | Comments (1)

*blinks*

Can it be? Could it be? Is it possible?? That Chris was crazy enough to let some of us weirdo's post on HIS much coveted blog? He did!! He did!! S U C K E R!! *heh* I almost put an F instead of an S, yes yes it was a typo!

So what shall I talk about. Politics? Uhm no. Sex? Nah. My kids? Heaven's no! How's about a joke? Yes a joke is what is called for here!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

Thank yew, thank yew, I'll be here all week try the hossenfeffer. =)

On a side note, I am desperately in love with chewy sweet tarts. Gawd I just want to eat and eat and eat them!

Lauren

Posted by at 05:41 PM | Comments (2)

Writer's Block

I write copy for a living. It's not my whole job, but it is a big part of what I do. I started a new project this week that involves a different kind of writing. I've been reading source material and turning ideas over in my head, and then I sat down today and THUD! ran right into a brick wall of uncreativity. I have sidebars. I have lots and lots of words. But I have no "hook", no thread to tie it all together.

And so, to avoid running down the hall screaming and tearing my hair out, today I have crossed every other item I could off my work list. I made little labels for my file drawers. I showed a co-worker who had never heard of Jude Law (!) just how cute he is. I read blogs. I sent my friends snarky emails about WalMart Wine. I got outraged that some ABC affiliates won't air Saving Private Ryan. And now, in desperation, I am turning to "write something completely different on someone else's blog" therapy.

And you know what? I think it is helping...yes, that just may be an idea forming in the back of my brain.

Thanks, Chris!

-- Bad Penguin

Posted by at 05:23 PM | Comments (0)

Your vote was rejected for counting.

A lot of people will be getting letters like that in the next few weeks. These will be the people that voted on provisional ballots because they weren't on the voter rolls, went to the wrong precinct (and refused to go to the correct one half a mile down the road), didn't register in time, or voted in the wrong county. Oh, and there were some who hadn't voted in years and were dropped from the rolls.

So, my PSA for the day is, at least two months before the next election, make sure you're registered and find out where you need to vote. It'll make it easier for everyone.

Posted by at 05:09 PM | Comments (1)

All I have to say...

Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel mihi redde nummos meos!

From: AMY

A nickle if you can translate it without a translator :)

Posted by at 04:37 PM | Comments (0)

gobble gobble.

I don't really have anything interesting for you today. Nope. Sorry. I'm spent.

But this one time, at the grocery store, I saw a turkey cake! Who in their right mind would want a turkey cake?

- burning paper

Posted by at 04:26 PM | Comments (1)

Do the happy dance!

Can I just use this oppertunity to tell the world I'm happy I won't have any school exams for another TEN weeks.

So lets all do a happy dance with Sweety:

*turns music up*

123 step
123 twist 123 jump jump
123 heel twist
123 step
123 step jump jump twinkle
123 twist 123 jump jump
123 twist twinkle
123 twist twinkle

Now everybody! 123...

Posted by at 03:57 PM | Comments (2)

Hm..

You know, I've been thinking.. for a rude cactus you sure aren't very rude... I mean letting all us internet freaks run rampant on your stuff? I think we can safely conclude that Mrs. Cactus is worse. (I especially liked the one about giving himself a concusion while jumping on the bed ...hahahahhahahahahahha)

ehem.. anyway. So no one is too worried or has any trouble sleeping at night, my brain did not actually ever explode, though we had another two real close calls last night at about 2:13am when I couldn't remember how to write html.. But that's all behind us now ::brain swells:: though I still cannot remember much html. And I'm talking simple stuff... ::swweeelll:: like div tags and ::SWELLING:: fancy table stuff and ::!(*^(*$5&HG:: making my pictures stay where I want them-- my brain is very angry, and my hair smells funny and Maryjane keeps punching me in the nose.. stupid hypertextmarkuplanguage. I hate you and everything you're capable of. But you will NOT STOP ME. I have already come too far on my list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::blood vessels popping::

Wait just a minute... ::goes over list with new additions::

check 1. find everything for greymatter.
not check 2. get cuteftp or some other program actually working.
::brain swelling:: 3. begin writing my html.
check 4. bring over-sized scanner to Corinna's house.
not check 4b. hardcore finish all the stamping because it seems that each image needs some stamping and I've saved it all for one stamp-a-thon.
um.. not check 5. scan layout images using over-sized scanner at Corinna's house.
>.> 6. upload and organize images scanned using over-sized scanner at Corinna's house using cuteftp or some other program which is now actually working.
................... 7. along with the html which I have now finished writing.
not even possible yet steps 8-27. go through and make everything actually work.
::instant death:: steps 28-53. get all my photography in order and some kind of gallery online again using the over-sized scanner at Corinna's house and uploading using cuteftp or some other program which should still be working.

So turns out... the over-sized scanner thing isn't going to work out because my mother decided that she was so organizationally advanced that she would take every important looking plug we've ever owned and throw it all together in a nice neatly closed and stored ziplock bag. THANKS MOM! So without the over-sized scanner (which is still at Corinna's house, just for show now I guess [ but it would make a GREAT paperweight at work, it's very large and heavy ] ) all the nice pictures I made are too large to scan! Which means all production has just stopped! Does anyone have a solution for me?! You see, I totally cheat on the whole internet graphics thing because.. I don't use photoshop.. at all.. ever. I actually make every layout by hand.. as in on paper, with stuff that's REAL!! Not 1's and 0's and other randomly weird characters I can't make! I like it better this way, except for when I can't scan any of them. Do I give up now? Or should I give it another 5 minutes? Blogger here I come, again.

Wew, ::2% pressure lifts off of brain:: this post was longer than I had expected, but I needed to get it out. I feel a tiny bit better, very tiny little bit.

My thanks go to a not-so-rude Cactus. Couldn't have done it without you buddy, ::patpat:: OW.. oohh the whole.. cactus thing - No it's ok, really, no no I'm fine it's just a little prickly..

(Coal)

Posted by at 02:55 PM | Comments (0)

Modern Technolog

Do you realize how far office supplies have come nowadays? Fancy "Never Dry Out" highliters, WhiteOut pens, "Super Sticky" post-its, and fast-writing, non-smearing, finetip ink pens.

I mean - how much fun is it to be a student in today's school supply heaven?

Well, except for the whole "school" part, anyway.

Zoot.

Posted by at 02:34 PM | Comments (0)

True Confessions

I've been a bad, bad girl. Chris is being gracious enough to allow me to let it all hang out over at his place....this way I can dish the dirt without airing it all out over at my place

I am guilty of:

*consuming an entire box of Girl Scout cookies

*failing to conceal my ear to ear grin during a parent/teacher conference in which I was informed that my daughter is a genius, and that although she is the envy of her classmates, she is very popular and well-loved

*being secretly smug that my professor singled out my essay to read in front of the class

*faking an orgasm. Hey, it was a *really* long night and it was only one out of FIVE!

*having a thing for these I know it's gross and I really only indulge in them once a year. For some reason, they just taste better when you purchase one at a gas station.

*blogging when I'm faced with an upcoming biology exam, a lit paper due, a play to read, and a five page essay to complete.

*being irrationally moved by a cd compilation that my trying-real-hard-not-to-officially-become-ex delivered to me last night.

*deciding the personal details of my life are ever fascinating and that everyone delights in reading about them.

-lu

Posted by at 02:31 PM | Comments (1)

Grandma, Express Lane, & a bus

I guest blog before on a few blogs, so here goes!

Today the doctor is gona take my cast off my left arm, but might put it on my other arm since it hurts a little because I jumped out my bedroom window to escape my big brothers newgys to my head, because they hurt!

After I see the doctor I'm gona make sure my grandma made it home ok, because she might still be on the bus I put her on yesterday! Thanks Mrs. G for reminding me!

Yesterday when I went shopping with grandma and we was on the Express lane, grandma said something to me that sounded like "Mur-ruh-ah-sa-ruh", and looked at me kinda funny, then everybody behind us said "not again", so I knew she went into her temporary coma.

Somebody then said "They need to make a lane for people like her", but I think if they did it would never move, which is not good.

I then went and paid for grandma's stuff with her money, and after 10 minutes somebody from the store brought me a thing called a dolly so I can wheel grandma away, and I did. When I made it to the entrance I herd somebody say "here you go", then all of a sudden grandma screamed and grabbed the dolly while I was pushing her, but I didn't stop because I think the people in the store was mad, so I guess I saved her life. When I stopped, grandma felled off the dolly and yelled "what the hell are you doing?", so I told her I was moving her, and she said "Ah-ruh-sa-muh" and went into her temporary coma again, so I put her in a shopping cart and pushed her home.

On the way to grandma's house I was stopped by the police because they thought I was stealing the shopping cart, but I told them I needed something to push grandma around, then the police man said that's what buses are for, and he's right. I couldn't pull grandma out of the shopping cart because it was to hard, so I wheeled it to some soft wet grass and tipped it slowly, and she rolled out.

After the police man took the shopping cart away, grandma got up and asked what happened, so I told her she lost her ride, but then a bus came so grandma got on it and looked back and didn't say a word, and while she was staring at me kinda funny the bus doors closed, and when it started to move she fell! I hope she's ok!

Grandma may not have to pay to ride a bus to our house today, because she might still be on it!

Posted by Rockchild

Posted by at 02:25 PM | Comments (0)

MT Scares Me Silly!

Seeing the innards of MT the first time is like...

Like....

Like...

Having sex for the very first time!

So yes, by that estimation, it was not a very good experience for me. And seriously I am a MT virgin here and I'm flopping around like a fish out of water. Or I'm sailing like a ship with no sail...Or a kite with no stringy thingies attached to it so you know, it flies correctly and stuff.

/me scrolls down screen.

What the heck are all these boxes for? What am I supposesd to put here? The (?) takes forever to open to edumacate moi brainage. While looking pretty easy to use, I'm sure it's just a MT ploy to make my post look foolish. Accckness! Wait! I can do that pretty well on moi own. I'm thinking right about now I'm preferring the complexity that is Drupal.

Since the (?) for Extended Entry still hasn't popped up. I'm just gonna continue posting my blabbering in this here Entry Body section if you don't mind. If you do mind Mr. Cactus, tough patooties as you did give moi free range here. (insert maniacal laughter here)

Ooops sorry.

Maniacal laughter.

Not cool.

Sos anyways...nothing to report on this side of the continent other than it's almost 11ish and I've just rolled out of bed. I've decided today is gonna be lazy-lazy day in which I do nothing but prance around the palace in my pajamas eating potato chips and then maybe I'll get my hands dirty in some paint. But first I need to do some laundry, vaccuming, sweep down the patio, water the plants, rearrange the furniture and give the kitties (3) and the doggie a bath. Not all together in the tub mind you cause that could get as bit chaotic. Although chaos can be fun. Oh sure...I can get all that done in less than...oh...6 hours. Then the rest of the day is mine all mine! :)

And how is your meeting going?

So. While this hijacking has been a pleasure in the pleasurable sense, if you'll excuse me now, for I have a super hot date with a bag of potato chips.

Nervously entered on this day by groovebunny

Posted by at 02:15 PM | Comments (1)

A Cotton Wrapped Kind of Life

The fog here will not. go. away. I don't think I've seen sunshine in at least a week. What are some things I have missed because of the fog? Let's make a list!

- The Aurora Borealis. That's right, the freaking NORTHERN LIGHTS were visible from good ol Idaho the last few nights, and I missed em because my old Crown Vic isn't 4x4 capable and I lived in this valley that is filled with...FOG 24 hours a day.

- Sunshine. I *need* sun. It makes me not murderous. I figure I've got a few more days before I start sleeping for 20 hours a day and shooting people while playing GTA III randomly.

Well, that was the shortest list ever. However, it's important. I hate fog, and I figured that Chris' blog was as good as place as any to bitch about the weather.

Chris - I hope that your meetings didn't suck as much as living in a cotton ball does!

-Tami

Posted by at 02:01 PM | Comments (1)

The Meaning of Home

Well do I keep it light or go for the deep story? A little bit of both. Most people consider the place where they grew up as their home. Not me. I moved around a lot as a small child and finally stuck in Houston about the time I was in 5th grade. I grew up mostly in small towns before moving to H Town. I finished out high school living in the same house and going to one school for all of high school. I still never felt at home. Having divorced parents with very different views on parenting and me being a complete people pleaser, I was constantly in a play, acting out a character, whoever I thought everyone wanted me to be.

I left Houston as soon as I possible could for college in Austin. University of Texas here I come. Freedom here I come. I spent the next 6 years finding myself. My true self, not the one I thought other people wanted me to be. I learned who I was and what I stood for. I made my home. Austin is a very open minded, liberal town (ironically being the State Capital of a very non liberal state) and enjoyed being comfortable in any sort of setting. People watching in Austin is a wonderful experience. It is a melting pot as I am a melting pot of sorts. A mix of old soul hippie chick with a little bit of Jewish American Princess (a very little bit) mixed in.

After graduating in 1999, I moved back to the city I said I would never come back to. Oh, the things love makes us do. As I moved back, I morphed yet again and slowly took on a new persona. Due in part to starting a career, due in part to being back in close proximity to my overbearing, manipulative parents, and due in part to dating a man that I worshipped more than I should have. I moved back to a place where I had no friends, only a boyfriend that worked all the time and a family that needed more than I could give. I changed yet again.

I found my knight in shining armor a couple of years ago and in 3 weeks we will celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary. I have built a home with him here in Houston and my heart will always be with him. I work in an area that is full of Stepford Families. I entertain these people. I work with these people. I am not these people. I am an actress with these people to some extent. They know I am different, that I don't really belong. When I visit Austin, another persona lives. I don't have to be an actress. I am me there. The true me. I can let it all hang out. I am comfortable in the aura that is Austin. I know these people and they know me. I am the hippie chick with the expensive hang bag. And no one looks at me strange. I am home.

Jasmine

Posted by at 01:37 PM | Comments (1)

WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I've got the keys to RUDE CACTUS and I'm speeeeeeeding down the highway in my furry band hat..WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

What? No sorry Officer, I didn't know I was speeding. What? You're taking the keys away from me? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What if I tell my Bon Jovi story? Then can I stay? ;) ha

Amy

Posted by at 01:33 PM | Comments (0)

Crunch Time

I've never guest blogged before. The power! THE POWER! Bwahahahahaha!
*head thrown back, shaking raised fists in the air*

Speaking of power - I've been busy in self-contemplation, and I think that I'm more likely to be a evil super power than a force for good. To wit:

1) I laugh when surrounded by chaos.
2) I unleash my hell-spawn on our community on a semi-frequent basis.
3) Save the world or watch Desperate Housewives? Not even a tough call.
4) I have about eight arms, which I use like a snake charmer and also? To shock and awe.
5) I like to dress like a bad girl.

Shortly after the birth of my second child, I ventured to the zoo for an outing with a friend. All was well until the baby had a diaper blowout of epic proportions, and my 18 month old took off for the playground while I was trying to change his diaper.

Crunch time. Baby with naked, poo-covered butt. Toddler heading for the hills. Stroller with purse and camera and video camera and enough supplies to survive a winter in the arctic plus run a triage unit in a major city hospital, resulting in a heavy load that required two hands to push.

Time's up. What do you do?

With a strangled aaaaaargh! I shouldered my month old son, slimy naked hiney displayed to God and Country, and abandoned the stroller as I sprinted after my fleeing, flapping daughter, who had the indecency to giggle and say "git you!" at me as I was closing in on her. In slow motion, I reached a hand out, and snagged her shoulder. I spun on my heel, long hair swinging in an arc, baby wailing, and toddler protesting. We made it back to the stroller and I held my daughter's torso snuggly between my knees while I wrangled the baby in to a clean diaper.

And then I began to laugh and cry at the same time.

That was the transforming moment, when I went from normal woman to Evil Mommy. I'm thinking the time has come for me to design an outfit. Probably would be a good idea to stick with poo-brown, though, to save on dry cleaning.

Jenny

Posted by at 12:50 PM | Comments (5)

For any residual election anger...

Right. Hello out there! I have a link that I wanted to share. It is a naughtily-titled, angry little site that those of the left-leaning persuasion might find therapeutic. (My boss passed it on to me, because that's the kind of off-color guy he is.)

And as a disclaimer, I am FROM the South. Therefore I can post angry-at-the-South things under the radar, yes? (Man I hope so, because this is fun.)

supine

Posted by at 11:39 AM | Comments (1)

Never give your wife access to your blog

So, what embarassing stories do you want to hear about Chris today? How about the time he gave himself a concussion by jumping on the bed and slamming his head into the ceiling? No? Maybe the one about how he trashed his knee when we were dancing in the kitchen and he danced himself right into the wall? Or maybe I should tell the one about how he was at choir practice and his zipper broke and he had to stand up in front of the entire choir trying to hide the fact that his pants were hanging open. Oh wait, that last one was me. Nevermind.

Mrs. Cactus

Posted by at 11:38 AM | Comments (3)

that reminded me of this

a guy goes to the doctor...
"doctor, doctor," he says "my penis is turning orange!"
doctor examines him and finds nothing wrong, except for the slight discoloration of the man's appendage.
"tell me," says the doctor "have you been doing anything different lately?"
"not really, just been sitting on my couch, eating cheetos, watching porn."

i crack myself up... ahahahaha... get it?
monique

Posted by at 11:10 AM | Comments (0)

woke up on the wrong side of the blog

*Rubbing eyes*

Wait. What?.. Where am I?

What happened to my controls? Where are all my settings? What! Whose categories are those!? Hey! Who are all these people poking at me? Grrr.. gah.. ouch! Watch it!

(miscellaneous muffled noises)

.
.
.
.

(silence)


-Tee.

Posted by at 10:59 AM | Comments (0)

Philadelphia Dictionary

For those of you who don't know me (RockStar Mommy), which is probably all of you, I live in Philadelphia. And those of you who do know me know that I am extremely unhappy about this. I've lived here all my life, and have been plotting my escape since I was a wee little one. And it is coming soon. I swear it. Very soon. I can taste it! And it tastes like a TastyKake.

I don't like the city for many reasons: Rude people (but alas, no cacti); high crime rate; poor conditions of schools, libraries, roads, and most public places, bumper to bumper traffic at any given time of the day; lots of pollution; crappy school systems; and extremely high city wage taxes. But really, the thing that bugs me the most, probably more than all of those things put together? Is the way that most people in Philly talk. The accent / draw / slang ... whatever you want to call it ... it's enough to make you gag at times. Not everyone has it; I don't. But most do.

So, if you ever decide to visit Philly (what? are you out of crack?), I put together a small dictionary to which you can refer in order to communicate properly.

YOUSE or Yoooooz - The plural form of You.
WOONT - Wouldn't
JEET YET? - Did you eat yet?
NO, JEW - No, Did you?
IGGLES - Philadelphia Eagles
CROWN - Crayon
TAIL - Towel
WOODER - Water
TAWK - Talk
AAEG - Egg
DAWG - Dog
WAWK - Walk
BEGGLES - Bagels
CONFRABILL - Confortable
LIE-BERRY - Library
PAYMINT - Pavemint

How do people in your area talk?

Posted by at 10:58 AM | Comments (3)

So, this man goes to the Dr...

The doctor says, "How can I help you?"
The man replies, "It's a little embarrassing, I seem to have lettuce leaf growing out of my bottom."
The doctor asks to have a look, so the man drops his trousers and bends over.
"Ahhhhh" says the doctor,
"Is it serious?" asks the man,
"Well," says the doctor "I'm afraid that's just the tip of the Iceberg."

Amber

Posted by at 10:42 AM | Comments (0)

Whohoo!!!

Well isn't this totally cool! I'm on Rude Cactus! Thankyou to Chris for being foolish enough to let this happen. Thankyou to his boss for filling his day with meetings so he would make this silly mistake.

Three things I want to point out today:

1. My truck is clean for the first time in 6 months because I got tired of getting mud all over my clothes everytime I get out/in it. It will stay clean until it rains and the giant mudpile road that I live on begins to crawl back onto it. There is so much mud on my truck at times, that I have to SHOVEL it out of the garage, which usually looks like it has a dirt floor rather than concrete. But for today, and today only because they are predicting rain, my truck is clean.

2. Supr glue will glue your fingers together very very quickly. If you get it on your hands DO NOT try to rub it off. Taht's justt stupod and makles it haerd to typ.

3. I have two Scharffen Berger Nibby Bars on my desk right now. They are the most delectable chocolate bar you could ever imagine. I promised to share them with a friend a 1:00 pm today. It is unlikely that I will be able to keep my promise. I'm a bad friend but who cares because I have chocolate. :)

Jon in Michigan

Posted by at 09:55 AM | Comments (0)

It's Almost Friday

Fourth day of work week;
Can't wait for tomorrow. Now
where's my damn paycheck?

--Fraulein N

Posted by at 09:12 AM | Comments (0)

meeting$$uck

At my last job, you were considered late if you weren't at least five minutes early. This was a problem for me because I apparently was born without the gene that is aware of time. I'd like to say that my inability to track time is due to being preoccupied with dreamy, happy, happy thoughts of fuzzy bunnies and world peace, but no, alas, tis not so. I just can't get my shit (oh, hmm, can we say bad words around here?) act together enough to be that conscientious with time. Plus, if you have time to get to a meeting extra early then you don't have enough work to do, is what I'm thinking.

Now, going to the extreme, at my new job people call meetings and sometimes don't even bother to show up. Timeliness is so bad around here that I've now become the time enforcer. There's something so very wrong about that. You just don't even know.

We're not talking five or ten minutes late, people. I've seen people show up 30 to 45 minutes late! Seriously, there's not that much traffic in the state of Maryland, but since everyone sooner or later relies on this sad excuse, it's in everyone's best interest to go along with the farce.

Anyhoo... Enough of that. If you'll excuse me, I have to go get ready for a meeting. Anyone want to take bets on whether or not people are prompt?

Patricia

Posted by at 08:46 AM | Comments (2)

Howdy

I never pass up an opportunity to guest blog. I guess because I just like vandalizing someone else's blog! hahaha

Seriously though, I never fail to smile when I come to this blog and often leave practically falling out of my seat laughing. That good be a good thing or a bad thing. LOL

Happy Veteran's Day!!!

Swt GA HunnyB

Posted by at 07:54 AM | Comments (1)

Oh My!

Well, it's been a while since i last saw the insides of movable type! Such nostalgia *sniff*. Thanks to Mr C for making this dream of mine come true!
Anyway,
Meetings suck.
It's true.
And this being open mic blogging i'd like to move swiftly on, and start a discussion on working parents.
Or rather working single parents.
It is a dilemma i am currently working (hah punage!) through.
I want to work. I need to work. I have to be around grown ups for a change (well it's been ten years!) and no offence meant to my kids (of 9, 5 and 2 years old).
But it doesn't seem possible in this evil country of mine (the UK).
Childcare costs are extortionate. Did i spell that right? *shrugs* They will wipe out my income.
It is easier for me to remain on benefits. Surely this is wrong wrong wrong!
Plus i'm dictated to as to where i can live whilst on benefits. I want to do things, and be places but some government/council has ruled that i can't. Unless i come off benefits.

Oh chicken and egg, you cruel mistress you.
Well this has been me, Miss Fluffy, at Chris' lovely Open Mic blog. Enjoying it immensly. Even though there were no funnies. Got something off me chest though. (Stop looking at my chest!)

Posted by at 07:54 AM | Comments (0)

November 10, 2004

The Cactus Blooper Reel

Got a camera? Well then you've probably managed to catch some good, bad and just plain disturbing things. Lets say, hypothetically speaking, your wife puts a bright yellow headband on you and takes a picture while you're brushing your teeth. Or maybe you're getting jiggy with it (as much as your white ass can) in the car and - oops - camera goes off. Alternatively, again purely hypothetical, you got caught duct taping the bed (with a really good reason to be doing so, of course) or the cat fell asleep on your head. How about that time you thought it would be cool to be all samurai warrior in a belt and a sweatshirt? Of course, there are just those random deer-in-the-headlights moments everyone's got too. But you'd never voluntarily show those to anyone, right?



Posted by Chris at 03:39 PM | Comments (18)

Bob Barker Shopped Here

Update: I realized only now this post didn't make a hell of a lot of sense as originally posted. I was tired. Really. There's got to be a flop post every now and then, right? Anyway, I fixed it. Hopefully.

If reports are to be believed, washed up (and quite possibly dead) gameshow hosts are signing for purchases all over the Washington DC area. Last week Bob Eubanks stopped off at the local Best Buy and bought indie tunage and the latest Aimee Mann DVD. Wink Martindale bought lightbulbs at Home Depot and yesterday afternoon Gong Show host Chuck Barris picked up ice cream, bread and cheese from the local grocery store.

Okay, okay. Maybe old gameshow hosts aren't running rampant, snatching up household items and groceries. Maybe - hypothetically speaking - someone is just signing all their credit and debit card receipts using washed up gameshow host names in an effort to toy with their bank. How far will I get before the bank calls?

Bob Eubanks
Wink Martindale
Chuck Barris
Jim Lange
Richard Dawson
Gene Rayburn
Bud Collyer
Monty Hall
Jim Perry
Bill Cullen

Posted by Chris at 07:15 AM | Comments (10)

November 09, 2004

Cactus Spill...Cleanup On Aisle Three

Yesterday I asked you guys to spill...and now you expect me to spill too? That's pretty much what this whole site is about, cactus spillage, right? You people are demanding!

Things That Freak My Ass Out The Most: Spiders, heights, flying and ketchup. Hate the ketchup. And mayo. Maybe I just have a thing against condiments. Oh, and large expanses of water with big-ass boats in them. I was snorkling in the Caymans once and caught the underside of a massive cargo ship passing off the coast - eerie.

Outie: When I get nervous, my right hand goes for my bellybutton.

Food Of Evil: I suspect anything in my fridge over a week old to kill me or at the least make me horribly ill. My wife will tell you its more like a day. Really, its a week.

Shiver: I'm convinced I read people very well. So it scares me when I pass someone or someone passes me and I get a very unique shiver. This means, by my interpretation, they're bad and could do me or others harm.

Guilty Pleasures: I like Genesis (preferably the 70's stuff with Peter Gabriel, though) and lots of 80's music. I also love the movies Three Amigos and Ishtar. And I don't mind reading the occasional "chick book" either.

Hold The Toes, Please: Sandals on men? Big no-no. The only thing worse is men wearing sandals with dress socks.

Food of Evil II: Curse of the Ancient Food: There's nothing right about blue cheese...or funky cheese with ashes in it (yes, there is such a thing and I can report that its not good at all)...or cheese that knocks you out of the room with its smell. Or cottage cheese. And yogurt, while an excellent source of, well, dairnyess, bothers me too...as does anything edible with "active cultures." Active culture is best represented, to me, by the Lithuanian downhill skiing team or salsa dancers. Not yogurt.

There you have it. More examples of my neuroses in action!

Posted by Chris at 11:50 AM | Comments (25)

Audioblog: My Back, And First Impressions

Oh my aching back! Which leads me to a story I've told before but somehow still seems fitting.

Posted by Chris at 07:48 AM | Comments (6)

November 08, 2004

Before Digital

I was just looking through some photo albums...you remember, those binder-like things with sticky paper used to collect photos prior to the digital revolution. My scanner's not hooked up but I figured I'd share some of them anyway...



Posted by Chris at 07:32 PM | Comments (22)

Spill It

Between my about section (over there, on the right), my many posts and frequent email replies, you guys probably think you've got me all figured out. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, here's my request for the day - tell me something about yourself, something I or anyone else probably wouldn't guess.

It can be a quirk.

Example One: I have a weird food thing. When I'm in the grocery store, I refuse to buy the first item on the shelf. Orange juice? I wont pick up the first carton on the shelf, I'll reach behind it and get the next. Same with everything.

Or, it can be a phobia.

Example Two: I hate spiders and I'm not a big fan of heights. Spider + tall bridge = dead cactus.

It could even be a stunning revelation.

Example Three: I found Jimmy Hoffa! Oh, my bad. Not him.

You get my drift. Now...spill!

Posted by Chris at 09:52 AM | Comments (73)

Haiku For Monday #53

After culture and
boobies
, weekend's gone. Takers
for "Shirtless Monday"?

Posted by Chris at 07:15 AM | Comments (6)

November 07, 2004

Hello My Name Is...

Last evening, my inlaws had tickets for the four of us to see a Brazilian folk dancing company. This proved interesting for several reasons.

The evening was to be started off with a dinner reception of traditional Brazilian tapas. When we arrived, we were asked to wear name tags. Now, my wife and I have aversions to name tags. I'm not sure why, but I just find it silly. Since they had no idea who we were, we improvised.




And then we got in line for drinks where it was time to horrify the other people in line with us.

Thad: Are you of the Charlotte Simkins'?
Buffy: Certainly not! And you? The Boston Beaumont's I suppose?
Thad: No. I'm from the Flint, Michigan Beaumonts.
Buffy: Ahhh.
Thad: Remember to be nice to me tonight Buffy. If you're not I won't pay to have the Hummer fixed.
Buffy: Its okay. We still have the Beamer.
Thad: Yes. And who knew that if you were going that fast, a toy poodle would go right through the grill of a Hummer? Poor little Muffykins.

Odd stares and raised eyebrows? Of course! The buffet dinner thing was a let down. Actually it just plain sucked so we headed out and ran across the street for some actual, warm and good food. We returned an hour later for the performance.

Now, I've learned an important lesson - I dont think I'm a really huge fan of Brazilian folk dancing. Who knew? The dancing itself was energetic and the music was excellent (give me anything with five drummers and I'm good) but somehow it didn't all come together. Plus there were these two vocalists who were horrible. I really thought they were trying an experiment for a while - at what pitch and volume does the human head explode? They almost found out.

There was a redeeming quality to the whole performance - some of the female dancers performed topless. So, cultural education and boobies! How can you go wrong with that?

Posted by Chris at 08:21 AM | Comments (21)

November 06, 2004

Item L Explained

Ok, ok...yes, yesterday's post was a tease (item L in the office tour) but I figured you guys might remember my tales of woe about the crazy bathroom guy. If not, refresh your memories here and here. Just for the record, I didn't steal the toothbrush and toothpaste from the man - that was a coworker. I don't want you to think I'm actively targeting gross bathroom people for petty larceny.

Hope everyone's having a good weekend!

Posted by Chris at 09:32 AM | Comments (10)

November 05, 2004

Office Space

Good morning and happy Friday. If my email is to be believed, you guys kinda worry when I don't post first thing as usual. You worry about me - I feel so loved! But, yeah, anyway, here I am! I figured today, I'd pull back the curtain a little bit and take you on an incredibly lame tour of my office.




Fridays around here are uber-quiet. This one doesn't seem to be any exception. But I've got a meeting with Crazy Client this afternoon so I'm stuck. Um, anyone wanna play 20 questions?

Posted by Chris at 10:44 AM | Comments (30)

November 04, 2004

On Books: October

I feel uniquely qualified to review the books on my reading list for October. Largely because I've read them. As always at the beginning of the month, here are the reviews...

First, my guilty pleasure read of the month, Bentley Little's The Resort. I lurve me a good, cheesy horror novel, especially one by Little. No, he's not the world's greatest writer but he's got some interesting ideas. As he did with The Association, The Store and The Policy, he takes an everyday situation - staying in a luxury resort in Arizona - and takes it into creepy-ass territory. I still favor The Association over all his other novels, but this was entertaining. I mean, what can you say about horror - it ain't groundbreaking but its a lot of fun.

With Take The Cannoli, Sarah Vowell - contributor to NPR and McSweeny's - examines American culture with honest, often hilarious, and generally bizarre insight. From an examination of Abe Vigoda's character in The Godfather (from which the title of the book was taken) and her subsequent obsession with the film to an examination of Frank Sinatra as the original American punk, Vowell peeks at our national quirks. And shines.

I admire Chuck Palahniuk, not to the extent of many of his loyal followers who've seemingly sipped from the Chuck Kool-Aid, but I honestly believe his Invisible Monsters was one of the wisest books I've read in years. Sadly, Diary doesn't live up to its predecessors. Despite being packed with Palahniuk's usual wit and manic narrative, the book failed to capture me. Sure, it was good...it just wasn't great. Try Invisible Monsters, then Lullaby. If you're still intrigued, and not entirely worn out from the frenetic pace of Palahniuk's novels, check out Diary.

Fidelity is a collection of short stories by Michael Redhill, acclaimed for his debut novel Martin Sloane. While I own his first novel, I haven't yet read it. Instead, I dove into a copy of this collection I happened upon for $10 in NYC. Redhill's obviously a talented writer. He can string together a mean sentence. The problem is that he hasn't mastered the art of ending a story. The collection is worth reading. Just don't expect well-executed endings.

I ended the month with the best - Steve Martin's The Pleasure of My Company. Having read and enjoyed Shopgirl, his debut novel, I looked forward to Martin's second effort. I was handsomely rewarded. The Pleasure of My Company is a wonderful, thoughtful and...god, I hate to use the word for fear of sounding cheesy...nice novel. Martin's a smart guy. We all knew that. But he has a considerable talent with the written word and weaving a simple, satisfying story. Of October's novels, I recommend this above all others.

Posted by Chris at 07:52 PM | Comments (6)

Confetti Anyone?

Last night, I mentioned it had been a rather hectic day, especially after the big disappointment. But hectic doesn't always mean bad. Remember my eighteen hour days a few months back? The end result was a proposal I thought we had little chance of winning. Yesterday at 5:00 I got the news - we won. And this? Is bigger than the other most recent win...ten times bigger. I don't mean to toot my own horn but...beep beep. Now, can I please get some effing sleep?

Posted by Chris at 08:27 AM | Comments (18)

November 03, 2004

The Day After

Its been a bumpy 24 hours. Its all about highs and lows, right? While I've been absolutely working my ass off - no time for a coherent thought in my head let alone on the blog - I've tried to respond to as much email as is humanly possible given the circumstances. And I've heard from a lot of disillusioned people.

What I feel is sadness, disappointment and anger. I realize that I was more emotionally invested in this election than I might have thought. While I'm a flaming liberal - and quite possibly alienated a few readers in the process of extolling those liberal tendencies - I'm also an idealist. I like to believe that one person can make all the difference in the world. I like to believe that while there's always a good there's also a better looming out there in the firmament. I like to believe in what is fair, what is just and what is ultimately right. I like to believe that all these ideals, all these pie-in-the-sky values I hold so dear, ultimately triumph over the many unjust things in the world. Sometimes things just don't work out that way.

Never have I doubted that the United States is the most wonderful place in the world. Think about it and its truly remarkable. We are a vast nation, both in area and diversity. Regardless of politics, we're a nation that embraces diversity, that presents the world with a strange dichotomy which sometimes seems brash, sometimes seems unwieldy but somehow works. We sometimes trounce civil liberties and seek to limit personal freedoms. We trip and fall getting used to the gangly pair of legs that is democracy. Yet for the most part, it works. And in the past 24 hours, we've seen the system work again. The outcome might be unpopular and personal liberties and rights encroached upon, but no shots were fired, no buildings torched, no one jailed for rebelling against popular sentiment.

While I'm not happy, while I don't believe the president represents me or what is best about this country, I'll embrace the values I hold most dear - the just, the fair, the dreamy notions spawned only by living in a free society in which everyone has a voice - and continue to express what I feel to be right and what I feel is wrong knowing that ultimately these are the things that matter. These are the things that count for something.

Let this be a lesson to everyone - Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Communist, Socialist. Be who you want to be. Say what you need to say. Be disillusioned, be angry, be frustrated but don’t let it stop you from using your voice to its fullest potential. Don't mumble - sing. Don't stumble - run. Don't tap your foot - dance.

Posted by Chris at 05:44 PM | Comments (20)

Woe

My mother, bless her, is not so hot with email. Which is surprising given that she's a speech therapist and teacher. She types in all caps, not realizing its a little rude, and she uses all kinds of punctuation marks and random characters that don't really make a lot of sense. So, can you imagine the email she sent out to everyone she knows this morning concerning her feelings about the presidential election? You need not imagine.

To: Everyone On The Planet
From: Mom
Sent: Wed 11/3/2004 7:36 AM
Subject: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????***********************

WOE IS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I might have put it a little differently but I can't disagree with the sentiment behind it. I'm going to start a petition whereby members of the losing party get to crawl back into bed the day after the election. Not that I'm conceding. I just don't feel overly optimistic.

Fucking Ohio.

Posted by Chris at 08:37 AM | Comments (45)

November 02, 2004

It's Gonna Be A Nail-Biter




I voted...now, wouldya just tell me who won already?

Posted by Chris at 04:41 PM | Comments (27)

Choose Your Own Adventure

This morning's meeting? Over! I'll let you guess how it went. Choose one:

a) Meeting? Eh, screw that! I went to a strip club instead.

b) The meeting went off without a hitch. I earned praise from my coworkers and the clients and successfully launched a year-long, big-money project.

c) One of the clients called me "chief." I hate being called "chief." So, you really can't blame me for the flying tackle, can you? Beating him about the head with a stapler was probably going slightly overboard though. Did you know they let you log on to the Net from the clink?

Mission #1 is accomplished. Now I have to see about that whole voting thing...

Posted by Chris at 01:18 PM | Comments (14)

Early Kickoff

Ahhhh! I love the smell of meetings in the morning! Yes, I'm off to Maryland for the big project kickoff meeting. Wish me luck!

Please remember to vote!

Posted by Chris at 07:18 AM | Comments (7)

November 01, 2004

Audioblog: This Thing On?

No, I didn't forget I had an audioblog. Really.

Posted by Chris at 04:37 PM | Comments (10)

Tales From The Weekend

You've seen the pictures from the weekend, right? No? Go check them out. I'll wait...


I was out picking up breakfast and coffee yesterday morning. The place was packed, with employees scurrying around behind the counter trying to get everyone in the long line taken care of. I was surprised when one of them came around the counter and headed in my direction.

Her: I need to shake your hand.
Barely Awake Me: Oh, okay...why's that?
Her: Your hat!
Barely Awake Me: Hey, of course! I can shake on that. Just keep your fingers crossed!

We shook, she went back to work and I left with breakfast.


My good buddy Netflix sent us some stuff this weekend. The first? Season three of Coupling. Have you not watched this show? Freaking hilarious. Think Friends, only funnier and smarter. Then, Laurel Canyon. I'll admit, I was pretty damn bored by the first half hour. Despite being thrilled by the appearance of Kate Beckinsale, I was all I wonder if Beth will notice if I fall asleep...if I just lie back a little bit, oh, yeah, that'll work...nap, here I come. That never happened though. It got marginally interesting. Stress on the word marginally. In keeping with the Halloween spirit, we popped in Wrong Turn. Appropriate title - it sucked. Beth gave up halfway through but I wasted another 45 minutes and finished the damn thing. Did I mention it sucked? Don't waste your time.

One last thing - you all are voting tomorrow, right? I mean, I know those of you who don't live in the US aren't aren't planning on it but for those who do? Vote! I'm looking forward to a nice evening of pacing around the living room and chainsmoking tomorrow night. Anyone wanna join me?

In summary:
Coupling (season three):
Laurel Canyon:
Wrong Turn:
Harper's Ferry Road Trip:
Being At Work:
Fact That They Pay Me:
Voting:
Halloween:
Leftover Halloween Candy:
Rating Stuff:

Posted by Chris at 11:10 AM | Comments (24)

Haiku For Monday #52

Fifty-two haikus.
Here's a haikuversary
retrospective, yo!

Chris Bitches About Mondays

The weekend is gone
And now I'm trying to work
Crap crap crap crap crap

Monday comes too soon
You can’t hit “snooze” forever
But you sure can try

Cold Monday morning
Icy windshield, freezing hands
I need a stiff drink

Monday already
Oh, where did the weekend go?
Come back, weekend, back!

Four day weekend's done
Back to slaving for the man
Why, why must we work?

What's worse than Monday?
Mid-day dentist appointment.
And many meetings.

Freezing cold morning
Mondays can kiss my chapped ass
Pucker up baby

Winter Mondays seem
Too cold to emerge from bed
But alas I'm here

After a gorgeous
weekend, you expect me to
sit inside all day?

Woohoo, its Monday!
Oh wait, that's not a good thing.
Oh well, never mind.

Don't want to be here.
Note to self: start faking cough.
Yeah, that's the ticket.

Two restful days gone.
Now Monday morning's here and
I've got shit to do!

Dear Monday, why don't
you go bug someone else, eh?
Take off you hoser!

AC? Not so much.
The net? Not so much either.
Monday? Not so great.

Monday, rain, sniffles,
presentation for The Man.
Week's starting off well.

Fall is here and so
are Monday morning meetings.
Yay for four day weeks!

Crap! Monday so soon?
Dumb calendar inventor.
Two-day weekends? Gah!

Monday, I curse you!
Forcing me up at darkness
and making me work!

An Obsession With Coffee

Asprin and coffee
Just what I need this morning
I'll call it breakfast

Brain cells not working
Can't think of witty haiku
Must drink more coffee

It's only seven
But I'm already stressed-out
Coffee, more coffee

Office half empty
Java flowing, workers tired
Bed calling our names

Awake, alive but
I've got too much work to do.
Coffee...more coffee.

I'm armed with coffee
and donuts, but I still don't
wanna be here, yo!

Ain't enough coffee
to keep my sad ass moving
and eyes propped open.

General Bitchery About The Man

Three-day week ahead
But I have the work of ten
Not thankful for that

Empty parking lot
Holiday week, no one's here
Party, my office!

Holidays over
All are returning to work
At least physically

Oh a holiday
Why don't I get the day off?
Bad employer, bad

Holiday? Oh no.
Others sleep, but I am here
Working for The Man.

Calm before the storm
The upcoming week could suck
Fasten your seatbelts

I can only hope
This week falls well short of last
In terms of suckage

I'm back from the beach
to face windowless office
and scads of email.

Gorgeous morning but
I'll be stuck inside all day.
Still, beautiful day.

So many things to
get done by the end of June.
Ugh, ew...and all that.

Spring, yet office-bound.
Would I rather be outside?
Do bears shit in woods?

Holidays, Sick Days and Heavy Weather

Winter came calling
And left behind snowy roads
I'm working from home

Can someone tell me
Just where in the hell spring went?
Its freaking cold out!

Somebody stole the
Easter Bunny because he
never came Sunday.

It's Monday but its
only a three-day week cos
I'm headed beach-ward!

Remember those whose
valiance guaranteed freedoms
and cost them their lives.

Despite warning in
jest, who do you think got burned
lighting fireworks?
If you said "cactus"
you're right! Don't worry - I still
have all my fingers :-)

Can't shake this damn cold!
Called in sick. Monday's for rest.
Working in PJs.

Holiday Monday!
Loosely translated - no work!
Happy Labor Day!

The vacation had
to end sometime. Back at work
at oh-dark-thirty.

Random

Sleep eluded me
Awake and checking the clock
The whole freaking night

Good morning cold day
My eyes are not yet open
Which made driving tough

I'm saving my best
For Thursday's Haiku Smackdown
Come play on Thursday

Did your weekend fly
As quickly as mine seemed to?
Shame it works that way

Out of the office
Friday, playing with my tool.
Billion emails now.

As Aerosmith sang
I'm back! I'm back! I'm back in
the saddle again.

Oh, I have gmail
invites if you're interested.
Drop my a line, yo.

Hey, weekend! Where did
you go? You're always running
out the door too fast.

Can you remind me
what it is I'm doing here
so freaking early?

Posted by Chris at 07:56 AM | Comments (5)